I look back down at Ariella, who holds her hands together while she squeals at me. “Did you party all night long?” I ask her, ignoring the sudden feeling that I’m being watched. I look over my shoulder at the picture of Cassie as I feel her eyes on me. I look back at Ariella, who kicks her feet. “How much did you drink?” I ask her as I unsnap her buttons and her feet come free as she brings them straight to her mouth. “I wish I could bend like that,” I say, grabbing a diaper from the side of the table and opening the wipes container seeing that it’s heated.
“Hey.” I hear Ralph say from the doorway. “Do you mind if I jump in the shower?” I look over at him as he stands there leaning against the doorframe. “It’s fine if you don’t feel comfortable.”
I avoid his eyes. “I think she’ll be okay,” I say. “Do you change her pjs in the morning?” I ask him and finally look over my shoulder at him.
“I do,” he says. “But you don’t have to if you don’t want. The stuff is in the first drawer.” He points at the bureau. “If not, there is something in the walk-in closet.” He points at the door on the other side of the room. “But she hates being dressed up.”
“For now,” I say. “I’ll give her the bottle when I’m done in here,” I say, and he nods at me and turns to walk away, showing me that his ass is perfect.
“Your dad is too hot for his own good,” I say to Ariella. “He is the whole package.” Opening the drawer and grabbing a pair of white pants and the matching gray shirt with hearts all over them, I spot the headband folded with it. I picture him folding her small items. “He also has a big package.” I bend down and kiss her stomach. “You are so pretty,” I say, and she kicks her feet and tries to turn over. I stop her and dress her as fast as I can, and when I walk out of the room, I turn back and grab three diapers just in case I have to change her before Ralph gets out of the shower. I definitely don’t want to come back into this room. I walk with her into the living room, grabbing the bottle. After putting the diapers on the table, I sit with her.
“There we go,” I say to her as she drinks her bottle. I burp her as soon as she finishes and then get up with her, looking for a chair and spotting her bouncer. “Do you want to come cook with me?” I ask, and she just drools on my arm. Picking up the bouncer, I carry it into the kitchen area where I can put her in it but still see.
She smiles at me while I turn and walk into the kitchen and start searching for the things I need in order to cook. She starts babbling, and I look around, going to my phone and putting on the nursery rhymes playlist I made for when Zoey was with me in the car. “Do you want to sing, Ariella?” She looks at me as I start singing to her as I cut up the food. I wash my hands and then go and pick her up as we dance to Baa, Baa, Black Sheep. She laughs at me as I sing and make funny faces at her.
“What is going on in here?” Ralph asks, and I stop moving and then look over. He just got out of the shower because his hair is still wet. He wears another pair of black shorts, but he must be wearing boxers because I don’t see anything, and I was totally looking, with a Dallas shirt with his number on it.
“We,” I say, looking down at Ariella. “We are having a dance party,” I say and then walk over to him, handing Ariella to him. “I started cooking, but I felt guilty that she was just sitting in the chair.” I turn and walk back to the kitchen, where I start to prepare the food now.
“She loves that chair,” he says and looks at her outfit. “Did Candace dress you up?”
“I found that outfit in the drawer,” I say. “And it’s cute.”
Laughing, he comes into the kitchen, carrying her facing outward. “So this is going to be a bit awkward.” He starts to talk, and I don’t know if I even want to know what he is going to say. “There is a baby monitor in her room,” he starts and my heart sinks and I’m sure my face turns beet red. My mouth opens as I try to say something. “I didn’t want to hear, but I kinda did.”
“Oh my God.” That’s the only thing I can say. “Oh my God.” I wipe my hands.
“Listen, Candace.” And the way he says my name makes my heart stop, and it also gives me chills. “You’re amazing,” he says, and I want to cringe. “And I totally crossed the line before with the kiss. I know this, and I am really, really sorry.” He looks down and then back up again. “But I can’t date you.”
“Oh my God.” my voice goes low and he doesn’t give me a chance to say anything else.
“Even if I could, I don’t have the time or the energy to add one more thing on to my overflowing plate,” he says, looking down at Ariella. “She’s my priority.” I hold up my hand now.
“Okay, well, first off,” I start to say, ignoring the burning on my neck and the fact that I feel like I’m going to throw up. I don’t know if it’s because he told me that he can’t date me or if it’s because he heard me discuss his size on a fucking baby monitor. “Thank you for thinking I’m amazing, because I am.” I look down at the shrimp and add it to the pan. “And for apologizing about the kiss, it was out of line. I didn’t want to say it before,” I shrug and look at the pan, “but even if you wanted to date me I don’t date my clients.”
“Ever?” he asks, almost surprised. “Wow.”
“Ever,” I say. “It’s a rule I made when I started, and well.” I trail off, not wanting to talk about it.
“What happened?” he asks, and I haven’t told anyone, not even Evan.
“It was stupid.” I say and turn to cook so I don’t have to see his eyes. “I got hired by my first client. I met him at one of the parties I went to with Evan. Let’s just say he was using me to get closer to my brother. He thought because my brother was a big deal that I would make him big with social media.” I close my eyes, blinking away the tears. “But he wasn’t smart enough; he was sending dick pics on his Instagram that I managed. I should have known.” I put the spoon down and turn to look at Ralph. “He was a ten, and I was a six.”
“What the fuck?” he says, and I laugh at his expression.
“I was the DUFF in that relationship,” I say, and he looks at me with his mouth hanging open.
“It’s fine. He’s now married to a model who hopefully cheats on him every single chance she gets,” I say, and I have a sudden need to chase this whole conversation down with a shot of tequila. “Fuck, that was rough.” I look up at him. “I haven’t told anyone that story,” I say. “Especially not Evan.”
“Who is it?” he asks, and I shake my head. “Also, you know he’s stupid, right?”
“It is what it is,” I say the truth, ignoring the last part of what he said. “Anyway, that is why I won’t date my clients.” I turn back and, putting on a pot of water for the pasta.
“Will you tell me who it was?” he asks, and I shake my head.
“What about you?” I turn and ask him. “How did you know Cassie was the one?” He looks down, then at Ariella. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
“It’s not that,” he says. “It’s just something I have never spoken about to anyone.”
“You don’t have to now either,” I say, trying to keep my hands busy. “It’s probably too painful to talk about. Let’s talk about something else.”
“I don’t know if she was the one,” he says in a whisper, and I turn around to see the horror on his face as he holds a now sleeping Ariella in his arms. “The more I think about it, the more I know she probably wasn’t. But who the fuck knows.” He looks down at Ari, his voice going into an almost whisper. “She will never know any of this. I will never admit it to her.”
I walk over to him, putting my hand on his arm. “Do you love Ariella?” I ask, and he just looks at me. “Then you love Cassie,” I say. “Just in your own way. People love in different ways.”
“That is what I tell myself,” he says, avoiding my eyes and stepping out of my touch. “It’s what I have to tell myself.” He walks out of the kitchen. “I’m going to go put her down. I’ll be back.” He doesn’t wait for me to answer, and even if he did, I
don’t have anything else to say. His words have left me speechless, and the pain in his eyes, the anguish has left me heartbroken.
Chapter 16
Ralph
I walk away from her as the tear slips down my face and onto my arm. I lay Ariella down in the crib and hold onto her railing as I watch her chest move up and down. I look over and see the baby monitor that made me laugh not long ago. I walked into my room, and I knew when I heard her voice that I should have turned it off. I knew I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but then she mentioned my dick, and I couldn’t not listen. I sat there laughing while she spoke to Ari. I also knew we had to discuss things. We were flirting, and it was already getting out of hand with the kiss, so I had to stop it. I thought talking about it was a good idea. I was wrong.
“I’m sorry, Cassie.” I look at her picture and walk across the room. The weight of everything that we just discussed weighs heavily on my chest. Walking back into the kitchen, I see her cooking, and I want to turn everything off and sit her down. I want to force her to tell me who it was who made her feel like that. Who would take what she had to give and just toss it away.
Instead, I sit at the counter, watching her. I try not to notice that the back of her shirt is lace, and you see the white bra strap. “Is she sleeping?” she asks when she turns around and looks at me and I see that her eyes look like she was crying.
“Why are you crying?” I ask, knowing I shouldn’t, but knowing that nothing is going to stop me from asking.
“It’s nothing,” she says, turning around.
“Candace.” I call her name, and she turns around to look at me. “I told you things I haven’t told anyone. Things that I try not to even speak for fear that Cassie can hear me and know how I really felt.” I watch her. “So don’t tell me it was nothing.”
“Fine,” she says, turning off the water and then turning to me. “One, this meal is going to suck because I fucked up the whole recipe, and two, I was crying for you and for Ari.”
“What?” I ask, and she just looks at me.
“I know that one day she is going to ask about her mother, and I know that it’s going to eat you up inside, but you have to know that deep down you love her,” she says, leaning on the other side of the counter with her hands. “I know that it is going to eat you up inside, and I just want to kick you for you to see how amazing you’ve been.”
I shake my head, her words hurting. “How am I amazing?” I ask her, and for the first time, I’m not fucking scared to let it all out. “I grew up lost and alone with no idea what love was.” I start to give it to her, and my mouth goes dry. “Then I meet this girl in foster care, and I think this could be good. But we were like oil and water sometimes.” I watch her face as she takes it in. “I don’t know if I love her. I know that I like her a lot. I know that I want to be with her, but I don’t know if it’s love.”
“Everyone loves differently,” she says softly to me, and I shake my head.
“That is the thing. That’s what I thought. Cassie would do things to get a rise out of me. I felt like I always had to prove to her that I loved her. And then it just got to be too much,” I say. “I would sit down when I was on the road and wonder is this really love. I missed her, but if she wasn’t in my life, I think I would be okay.” I wait to see if disgust goes on her face, but her eyes are still soft with tears in them. “I would be okay, but I don’t know if she would. I was all she had, and sadly, it weighed on me. When she told me she was pregnant, I was going to break up with her.” I look up at the ceiling, the tears coming out of my eyes. “If I would have gone first in that conversation, it would have gone from being a happy moment to another moment I could kick myself over.” She just listens as I pour out my heart to her.
“She loved this house the minute she saw it, and I fucking loathed it. I hate it even more now than I did before.” I look around the room, seeing that it’s not even a home. “I hope she didn’t know that my heart wasn’t as happy as hers.” I put my hand to my chest. “I hope that she never knows that I thought she planned it. I hope that she never knows that I doubted her and her reasons the whole time. I hope she never knows that even though I looked happy, I was fucking petrified that I wouldn’t know how to love my child. Petrified I would fuck her up, and for the rest of her life, she would doubt that her father loved her. I bought this monster of a house for Cassie, knowing that she never had a house. Fuck, she went into that room alone to give birth to our child and died for her. Died. She gave her life for our child, and I don’t even know if I loved her.”
“You can’t be serious right now.” She looks at me. “You would give your life for that little girl,” she says with anger. “Would you trade places with Cassie?”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“If push comes to shove, would you have traded places with Cassie and leave her with Ari?” she asks the question I have asked myself.
“Without thinking twice,” I answer honestly. “For both of them, I would do it.”
“Then that, my friend, answers all the questions you have had. That is love. It might not seem big to you. It’s no grand gesture, but to give your life for someone, that is love.” She walks around the counter now. I turn and face her as she stands in front of me. “It might not seem like love to you, but it’s love.” She puts her hands on my shoulders, and I just feel her heat seep through my shirt. “Now would you have always stayed with her?” She shrugs. “No one knows the answer to that. Maybe she would have left you, did you ever think of that?”
“No,” I answer. “I never actually thought of that. I only thought of myself and the way I felt.”
“You mean you only thought of ways to shit on yourself?” she says, walking away from me now, but my shoulders still feel her touch on them. “That is what you meant.”
“I’m just sorry,” I say as she walks to the sink and turns the water back on.
“What are you sorry for?” She leans back on the counter, folding her arms over her chest.
“I’m sorry that she died alone. I’m sorry that I didn’t love her like she should have been loved, and I’m sorry she will never be able to see how fucking amazing our child is.”
“So you’re sorry for things that were out of your control?” She stares at me, and I just sit here, letting her words sink in. “You aren’t the one who killed her.” She points to me, and her words hit me in the chest. “You loved her the only way you knew how, and it sucks that she won’t see how Ari is, but I have a feeling she is with her every single step of the way.” She turns to grab the pasta and dumps it in the water. Neither of us says anything as she continues to cook.
“Thank you,” I say softly, and she turns around and looks at me. “For.” I put my hands up in the air and then shake my head. “I don’t even know for what, but thank you for listening.”
“You’re welcome.” She smiles at me. I want to walk over to her and hug her, and I do just that. I get off the stool and walk over to her.
“Are you allowed to hug clients?” I ask her and don’t really wait for her to answer when I bend down and wrap my arms around her tiny waist. She wraps her arms around my shoulders and leans her head against mine. “Thank you,” I whisper and step away from her, but our eyes meet, and we stop moving. Our faces are at the same level with the way I’m bent down. I move her hair away from her face, and my hand finally cups her cheek. My thumb moves back and forth, and I see her chest rising and falling. I can hear my own heart in my chest, beating so fast. My mouth is so dry I don’t even think I can lick my lips. Her lips part when my head moves just a touch closer, and I can taste her right now. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I do know that I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something more.
“Ralph.” She says my name almost like she’s asking me something or maybe she’s telling me that this is not a good idea. Maybe she is telling me that I should not do this.
“Candace.” I say her name back, and I don’t know what I’m telling her, if anything. �
��You are always a ten,” I say, smiling and bending just a touch more. “Definitely always a ten.” I’m about to bend a bit more to close the distance between us when I hear Ariella cry. My hand drops from her face, and I step back. I look at her poke her tongue out of her mouth to lick her lips. “I’ll be right back.”
Turning, I walk out of the kitchen and stop when I know she can’t see me. Leaning back against the wall, I wait as my heart slowly starts to calm down. I put my hands over my face, and I smell her now. I had my hand on her for less than a minute, and I smell her all around me. I don’t have time to think of anything else because Ari yells even louder than before. I walk into her room, avoiding looking at the picture of Cassie.
“I’m coming,” I say, and she stops the minute she hears my voice. I look over the crib at her, and she’s kicking away, her hands moving up and down.
“Da, da, da, da,” she says over and over again.
“Yeah,” I say, picking her up, then bending my head to kiss her. “I’m here.” I look at her, her bright blue eyes so full of happiness. “I’ll always be here.”
I walk back into the kitchen, and something about me is different, and I can’t explain it. My shoulders feel lighter and my heart doesn’t clench tight when I walk out of Ari’s room. “It’s almost ready,” Candace says, and I see that she tied up her hair on top of her head as she takes the pot of pasta and drains it. “I’m also going to want to do this again if it doesn’t taste good.” She smiles, and just like that, the heaviness of what we talked about is gone. She acts like I didn’t just dish out my whole world to her, and she didn’t talk me off the ledge that I’ve been clinging to every single day. “You good?” she asks as the boiling water and steam fills the sink.
Only One Kiss (Only One Series) Page 10