by C Monet
“Ok so you wished on a star for things to go back to how they were and now y’all fine? And before you play that card, know that I know what you think I don’t know,” she asked pulling out a small notebook and pen. I snatched it from her, but it was blank. “For my eyes only, so I take it that your image is important?”
“Yea, isn’t it the same for everyone?”
“No some people don’t care about an image they care about family, friends, love, and happiness. You know normal stuff,” she shrugged after finishing her sarcastic statement. Sitting on my bed, I tried hard to think if something like this had ever happened to me before. I was clearly delusional and now that Graysen had made it obvious no one was really here I felt even more delusional. Stress was the devil and clearly, this was from stress.
“Let me understand this, you are here, Mara, to help me get things back to how they were?”
“As close as I can. It’s clear you and Graysen love each other. You just got lost along the way. I can help but you have to trust me, have faith and be honest with yourself.”
“No one else can see you. Are you a spirit?”
“I’m whatever you want to call me. Get some sleep we have some work to do starting tomorrow,” and with that statement, she was gone. I looked everywhere for her but nothing. I felt my forehead because I couldn’t believe my luck. My head hadn’t decided if this was a good thing or if this was a bad thing. I guess I would find out in the morning. This was too much, and I knew no one would believe me. She said we had work to do so seeing her and talking to a damn spirit wasn’t over.
“Mara,” I called out just to test if she would appear. Looking around I got nothing. I tried calling her name again and still, she didn’t appear. Deciding to stop the foolishness in case Graysen was still watching I wrapped my hair and decided to shower. My shower was quick because I was spooked. As I dried off I smiled thinking about him still watching the camera feed. He still cared. Even if it was just a little, it was enough for me for now.
5
The Next Morning
You're my angel, come and save me- Austin Mahone
Last night all I did was toss and turn. The thread count of my sheets, the lavender oil nor the soft sound of the fan was enough to knock me out. My body felt like it had a serious case of jet lag. Most of the night was spent staring off into space and praying to God I hadn’t completely lost my rabbit ass mind. This morning as I handled my hygiene I prayed it off. My best conclusion was that last night was some freaky nightmare but as I rounded the corner to my kitchen I spotted Mara. Sitting on top of the counter, legs swinging and drinking my coffee.
“How’d you sleep?” she asked. I ignored her. I figured if I acted as if she wasn’t there she would shut up and stop harassing me. It didn’t help because she kept asking questions and annoying me as I prepared my own cup of coffee.
“Mara, I still don’t understand why you are here with me and not with Graysen. He’s the one that needs to be reminded,” I wasn’t the one that asked for the divorce. It wasn’t me that requested that he leave me in this big ass five-bedroom house while he moved into a high-rise apartment like a bachelor. Graysen started this shit. And if he hired an in-house therapist he should have consulted me.
“Oh no I think otherwise and so does everyone else in the relationship department. You are one sour puss. So sour that I had to come down and show you where you screwed up. Mara means bitter and that’s the only way I show up is if someone reaches my level. So honey, keep the bullshit to a minimum.”
“Excuse me, I am not bitter,” I corrected. I was nowhere near bitter. Frustrated and confused, yes. But I was not bitter. Bitter meant angry. I wasn’t angry, not yet at least. I understood to a certain extent that I needed to sit down and consider what he was asking. There was just no time between working and getting sleep.
“Whatever, let's get started. Where is Graysen?”
“Work,” I responded with a shrug. “but you should know that right. You know it all.”
“No, I mean where is he at dummy,” she responded. I didn’t like her funky ass attitude or how she lacked respect. She was in my home talking to me like I was a child. If we took this further there would have to be some boundaries.
“Out of town, somewhere. I don’t know exactly”
“My point exactly. What type of wife doesn’t know where they own spouse is? Twist your ring,” she instructed with an attitude. I looked down and the beautiful three stone diamond sparkled much like it did the first day he gave it to me. I touched it and twisted it. The room started spinning and I felt like I was on unstable legs.
Landing I looked around and things looked familiar, but I wasn’t sure exactly what I was looking at. It was nighttime outside, but soft music played in the background. It was Toni Braxton, I knew the tune but couldn’t catch the moment. Before I could say anything twenty-two-year-old Naomi came from the bathroom. I smiled as I watched myself dance and sing wildly to “How Many Ways”. I looked so different. I looked happy and fifteen pounds lighter, might I add.
I continued to dance in one of Graysen’s hoodie and my couch socks over to the fridge. Things were quickly coming back to me as I watched myself complete my ritual. Whenever Graysen traveled I would write it on the calendar and mark down the days until he returned. I slept in his t-shirts and watched all his favorites. It always helped me feel closer to him.
“You remember this?” Mara asked I watched silently. The popcorn was popped, and my laptop sat in my lap. It was around the time for his phone call and our Skype date. I felt giddy just watching myself fix my hair and making sure I was sitting perfectly for him to see all of me.
The love was fresh still even then. We made things official over the summer of tenth grade. We got married as soon as we graduated from college. We loved each other so much back then. Nothing kept us from each other. Work didn’t get in the way because we vowed not to let it.
“Yea, it was our nightly ritual when he was gone,” I whispered. My body felt numb as I watched the smiles on both of our faces. He was always so happy to include me in any way he could. On this night he was in Omaha, I could tell by the hotel room. He complained and made jokes about it being corny. I snickered thinking about how corny the joke was. Back then I probably doubled over in laughter for his sake. He hated traveling, but it came with the job. I promised I understood when he was offered the job and at that point, I wanted him happy so if I had a problem I kept it to myself. Working and crunching numbers made him happy and that made me happy.
“Shh, listen,” she said as if the younger me could hear us. But I did as she advised because I wanted to enjoy the moment myself. Now, these moments didn’t exist and even after I thought I couldn’t get that feeling back, the anticipation of his face coming to the screen felt real and just like it did back then.
“Hey handsome,” I said beaming full of love as his round face appeared on the screen. It felt like ages since I laid eyes on him although we hadn’t missed a Skype date in three days. Omaha was far and this time I wasn’t thinking of planning a trip like I normally did. All I wanted was him home.
“You changed hoodies. Miss me yet?” my hair was wild and falling all over my face as I sat Indian style smiling from ear to ear at his mention of it being a different hoodie. He was always extremely observant. If I changed something he would be the first to notice. It didn’t matter if it was my toenail polish or my hair, Graysen knew and acknowledged.
“Wifely duties called, it had to be washed.”
“Oh, word? I leave, and you do the laundry. I’m proud of you,” he joked and blowing me a kiss.
“You deserve a big gift for that my love,” he laughed with his hand under his chin in thought. I sat in excitement not knowing exactly what I could possibly want or need. Money was tight and he had a good job for someone his age, but it wasn’t enough to permit more than take out once a month and maybe a shirt after we paid the bills and student loans.
“Like what? I want some
thing unforgettable,” I smiled. Graysen was the best gift giver ever. He always put so much thought into every gift no matter the size, the reason or the season. Graysen was a gift-giving connoisseur. His expertise of rare finds amazed me from day one.
I laughed at that. Because it was always the little things I did that made him proud. It was no secret I hated the act of doing laundry. He would come home, and I would have new clothes because I hated laundry so much. He would scold me and then do his best to teach me the easiest way to do laundry or to wear less clothing. Finally one day he convinced me to save money and give it a shot. He was so happy when he got home, and his laundry was clean, folded and put away.
I continued to watch and I couldn’t remember what the gift was when he came home. It seemed like it was so long ago. I waited to see that he was currently he was propping the laptop up about to shower and I was braiding my hair in two braids. No words were being spoken, just smiles at one another. We missed each other it was obvious.
“That’s enough,” I admitted. The trip down memory lane was nice until the admission of how it’s absence now had me feeling settled over me. All that was, was a simple phone call that meant so much to the both of us. How did we get away from the simple shit? There was never too much work for a five-minute phone call. Seeing that be so easy but carry so much left me with no excuses for it not happening now.
“Are you sure?” she asked. I shook my head and whatever she did got us back in my kitchen. I sipped my coffee and sat at the island. I was ashamed for us, for myself. We were best friends at one point. There was literally nothing that could keep us from each other. Distance didn’t matter, neither did the fact that my older brother Mario damn near hated him. The lunch ladies couldn’t write us up enough and make us stop stealing kisses. Now we were moving like two ships passing in the night time.
“I don’t know how we got to this point. We’ve pointed so many fingers that it’s hard to know who is right and who is wrong,” I admitted. We both had to carry the blame but that didn’t fix anything. Graysen wanted to be right, I wanted to be right, but it didn’t create a solution. We were just moving in a circle of chaos pointing fingers.
“Why does it matter who is wrong or who is right? That doesn’t change the fact the marriage is headed for the end. Someone has to pull it back on the right track.”
“The right path is me leaving my career to give him a child while he continues to live his dream.” Three years ago when he asked me I freaked out on him. My best year forced me into wanting to recreate it. I worked hard, amped up my staff, traveled to Paris and Brazil - all places I felt would give me inspiration because I knew if I wanted another year like I had just experienced I had to come with it.
When I finally made it home my inspiration was flowing like the Nile. I had so much to do and so many statements I wanted to make. Not to mention I finally felt like I found something I was good at. When I first started out it was slow and so hard to get people to take me seriously and he knew that. He knew what I struggled with and to ask me to leave it behind after I finally found my lane and got my piece of the pie felt like a dick move. That night I didn’t hesitate to tell him exactly how I felt. We screamed, we argued, I dropped the D word and he slept on the couch. He never asked me again and I never thought about it again. Success was my child and it was enough for me.
“Why do you think you can't do both?”
“My mother didn’t, she gave up her job to raise me and my brother and she never let us forget it. I can't do that to my child so why have one?”
“Twist your ring,” she ordered. I hesitated because going back to that night would be painful for me. I didn’t want to see the moment shit took the turn. “Come on twist it.”
Doing as she said I twisted my ring and again I couldn’t catch the location. I looked back at her and she urged me to move further in. Looking around it looked like my brother's apartment, but I couldn’t be sure. It was clean and that wasn’t like him. But there were two empty cups on the counter. I picked it up and smelled it. Patron, I mentioned.
“Man listen I’m trying to get your sister to give me a child but it ain't happening. I don’t know what to do. I been dropping hints and shit,” Graysen admitted.
“You know she stubborn Gray, and plus why you want her to have a child anyway. Y’all making money and moves. A child will only stop the flow.”
“I can't help but imagine what a mini her would look like. It would be like double the love. I love your sister and you know that, so it just seems like we’ve got everything but something that we share together. She has her dope career and I’m living my dream, but we don’t share that umph anymore, I don’t know,” Graysen admitted.
“She’s never going to go for it bro, leave it alone or find somebody else,” my brother recommended.
“What type of shit is that to recommend. I love your sister dirty drawers fam, I just think it’s time we create magic together instead of apart. Do you know what she afraid of?” Grayson asked Mario. My breath tightened wondering if he shared what the real was. Mario could play both sides of the damn fence. I would never forget him paying for a prostitute on the night before our wedding. He claimed it was a parting gift. Mario was just miserable with mom issues and he hadn’t confronted them.
“Bro, I luh ya but you gotta talk to her about that.”
Like thunder, the suit Graysen had on sparked a moment. This was the day he brought it up to me. This had been on his mind for a long time and instead of just explaining why I couldn’t do it I blew up. Twisting my ring, we made it back to my kitchen. Running to my room I shut my door and cried to myself on the bed. Charlotte had told me many times that I needed to seek therapy, but I refused to sit on a stranger’s couch and lay my heart out there for judgment.
“Sit up and tell me what you need to get out. I know that conversation brought something to you. Get it out,” Mara appeared sitting on the side of my bed.
“My mother was everything in our eyes until we hit puberty. She raised us. She woke us up in the morning, she packed lunches, had dinner on the table, ironed our clothes, cleaned the house and took care of my father. That was her job although she had her law degree. When we were old enough to know she made sure we knew that she ended her life for ours. She loves us but we both know the lack of hugs and real affection comes from a place of hatred for having to stop her life. Mario knows that and he struggles in his own way. Me? I struggle because I vowed to never do that.”
“Again, why can’t you have both?”
“I don’t know. Why couldn’t she? There has to be a reason. I knew that suit in the vision that was the day shit blew up around here. I remember being mad at him for bringing it up. I guess I just assumed he knew how I felt about kids and made a decision to not respect that,” I admitted.
“I’ll leave you to think.”
Like smoke, she was gone. I didn’t even look around for her or care if she stayed gone or returned. I was exhausted with my own thoughts. My actions frightened me. I didn’t even need to go back to the fight, I remembered vividly the things I accused him of. I accused him of wanting me to be a kept woman, I warned him that if he didn’t respect my decision he would regret it. I called him a pansy and all kinds of other disrespectful shit. He wanted to kill me, I could see it in his eyes, but he wouldn’t. He tried to respect my decisions after that, and I was happy. I never stopped to think about what it was doing to him. Another selfish moment that I wouldn’t be able to take back.
6
Graysen
You've been gone, but you plague my mind- Alina Baraz
“Give me one minute, it’s my wife,” Naomi calling again caught me by surprise, but I still managed to smile. It had been months since we actually utilized each other’s numbers. The saltiness of what was going on made it hard for both of us to put our pride to the side.
“Graysen, I owe you an apology for that night, “she said before I could even say hello. I took a minute to think of what night she
was talking about. There had been plenty of nights she left me in my feelings. I stopped bringing them up because I didn’t want to be a fool anymore. The more I tried talking to her the more disrespectful she became. I sucked it up, men couldn’t operate in that. It made them do shit they wouldn’t do under normal circumstances. I would never cheat on her, but I just became emotionally unavailable. I came and did what was required; nothing more nothing less.
“Last night?” I asked. I remembered her calling me a little late last night about someone being in the house. After checking the feed I didn’t think anything of it. She was still my wife and my responsibility. If something was wrong she could still depend on me. Now we were at a point that she thought she had to apologize for calling. Stepping into an empty office, I rubbed my bald head because this wasn’t how I wanted things between us.
“No, last night it was the wine. I think I left the radio on and was hearing stuff. I. I, uhm, I’m talking about that night we got into it about the baby,” she replied. I sat up wondering what brought this on. For years I tried to revisit the conversation in a subtle way, but she had a way of shutting me down and making me keep my feelings to myself.
“What’s going on Mi? You sure you ok? Do you need me to come home?” I fired off. I would be on the next flight if she needed me. All I wanted was her to need me again. To feel like I could fix and handle anything for her. I always had. When we were kids and her parents would fight she would come next door and we would sit on the porch swing until I had her laughing at my corny math jokes. It was one late night and I promised I would do it forever. That promise still stood.
“No, I don’t want you to come home. But I need you to listen for just a second, do you have a second?”