by Warren Cain
“Now if ye’ll just pull the curtain back.”
Kirk pulled the curtain back slowly. A face flashed before him. Underneath the curtain was a mirror with a reflection that resembled Kirk, only more hideous. Kirk fell over in terror, trying to get away from the horrible image he saw.
“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” cried Kirk, his heart feeling as though it would beat out of his chest.
“That was you, lad. The bad you, anyway. The worst ye can be or have been. Before you can become a better person, ye have to understand yerself. Who ye’ve been, who ye are, and the potential ye have for becoming the best ye can be.” Joe smiled. “We’re going to start with the faults . . . weaknesses that ye know ye have and some ye don’t.”
I don’t want to have my flaws pointed out. I know I’ve got plenty of them. I think I’ve done well ignoring them up until now . . . Huh, I never thought about that. I have ignored them. I guess I didn’t want to see them.
“Ye will see these flaws from the perspective of others. Sometimes it’s easier to see others’ weaknesses than it is to see our own, so this should give ye a whole new perspective. Pull the curtain when yer ready, lad.”
“But what . . . ” Kirk looked around to see Joe was gone. “Hello . . . Joe?” Kirk shouted out into the church.
No answer.
Kirk looked back into the confessional at the curtain. The last time he was this scared, in this place, there was a thirty-foot dragon inside this tiny room. Now, himself and a mirror.
I don’t want to see myself in there. I know I have flaws. They keep me up at night. Will it make a difference if I see them here?
Kirk turned towards the door. It was open as though it were calling to him, saying, “You don’t have to look, just leave.”
He slowly reached for the curtain with his trembling hand and ripped it down to allow full view into the mirror.
Chapter 35
Kirk was thrown from the small confessional room into the mirror, finding himself face to face with the most evil image of himself he had ever seen. Even the low point in his life wasn’t as bad as this.
His face was horribly disfigured. Several smaller scars were visible on his lower cheek but failed to compare to the large one that ran across his right eye. It began just below the bottom of his hairline near the center of his forehead and down the right side of his face to less than an inch away from the corner of his mouth.
“So, you decided to take a hard look at yourself?” asked his evil-looking twin. “You sure you want to see your flaws?” His glowing eyes and satisfied smile pushed the scar upward on his face.
“How come when I look at you I don’t see myself?” asked Kirk, avoiding his question.
“You see yourself,” replied his twin. “But it’s the part of yourself you’ve been able to look past, avoid, pretend as though I don’t exist. But you know me, Kirk. I do exist.”
Kirk looked at the ground. He’s not me. That is not me.
“Every time you’ve ever hated, the flaws in your character you’ve been unable to control, that’s me, or should I say YOU. As much as you struggled to look past me, you’re going to be unable to avoid it now. LOOK AT ME!”
The sudden harshness in his tone caused Kirk to look up to find himself no longer facing his twin but instead facing a young Kirk Murphy who was standing on the playground with his best friend, Jeff Lorrell.
I wish they would leave me alone. Kirk could hear the thought and feel emotions that were not his.
Don’t cry in front of them. Kirk could hear the thoughts, but he had no control over them.
“Why don’t you stop being such a doofus?” said Kirk’s younger self.
“And take a bath, dummy,” added Jeff.
“Good one, man,” said Kirk, giving Jeff a high five.
“Let’s leave the nerd alone and go play.”
The young Kirk and Jeff ran off, leaving him to the thoughts that were flashing through his mind.
“Jim Lather,” Kirk thought. “I’m Jim Lather.”
Kirk had almost forgotten how they used to torment the poor kid. He came from a bad home. Kirk remembered his parents talking about the police showing up at his house when they thought he wasn’t listening. Kirk walked over to the side of the school and began crying. Emotions and thoughts that belonged to Jim overwhelmed him.
“Why do they pick on me?” Suddenly a wave of emotion avalanched him. Scenes of his parents abusing him, other children picking on him for the way he acted, even teachers misunderstanding this poor child whose life was totally out of his own control.
His mind is a horrible place to be. And I made it worse. I picked on him because I thought it looked cool to the other kids. I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway when I could have made his life better with a nice word or friendship.
“Starting to remember who I am?”
Kirk looked up to see his evil twin smiling.
“We done a number on that kid. Did you see how miserable he was? You might have forced it out of your mind that it ever happened, but I’ll bet he didn’t.”
A sick feeling ran through Kirk’s body.
Why wasn’t I strong enough to be a friend to him when he needed one so badly?
“You think you hate yourself for that?” said his twin. “Get a load of this next flaw.”
Chapter 36
“Are you taking your parents’ car out this weekend?”
Kirk was looking at a teenage version of himself. A group of kids standing nearby seemed slightly amused at the comment.
I don’t want to hear what I’m about to say.
Cynthia Preston. I’m Cynthia Preston, thought Kirk.
I wish this dumb ass would just leave me the hell alone. I know I wrecked my parents’ car. Just leave me alone. Kirk winced at the thoughts directed toward him.
Worst of all he could feel Cynthia’s embarrassment. She wanted to tell him to shut up and go away, but with the large group being amused at her expense she walked away, degraded. Cynthia turned and left the younger Kirk standing there “full of himself” in front of the group of teenagers he had amused at Cynthia’s expense. A feeling of shame overtook him as the memory of her parents finding out about the wreck came to him.
She came home that evening knowing they would overreact to the news.
“We trusted you with the car and look how that turned out. No driving for you except to school and back.”
Her self-esteem was already as low as it had been in her young life, but he managed to drop it more without even realizing what he had done until this moment eight years later.
I was so cruel without even thinking about it. Trying to make everyone laugh and not giving any thought to the one person who didn’t laugh. HOW? How could I have been so annoying, so cruel, and not realize the power I had? The power to give encouragement and raise feelings of self-worth and the power to take it away with nothing but words. I’m so embarrassed. I hope I don’t have to see every time I made someone feel that way. I know there are plenty of others. It was all words. Somehow I managed to pick the wrong ones.
“How do ya like me now?”
Kirk looked up to see his twin.
“You disgust me. I hate everything about you. I HATE YOU!” Kirk lunged toward his twin, grabbing him by the throat and pushing him to the ground. Kirk gripped his hands tightly around his twin’s throat. “I HATE YOU! Everything about you makes me sick to my stomach.”
Despite the pressure Kirk was exerting on his throat, his twin was smiling, pleased at the angry reaction he was getting from Kirk.
“You can’t get rid of me. We’re not even close to done yet.”
Chapter 37
He sure is in a hurry to get done. I wish I could keep up with his pace. Kirk heard the thoughts as he saw himself filling in a posthole for a fence he was building. The younger Kirk looked
to be sixteen years old. But the thoughts belonged to the older man beside him. I’m Grandpa!
Kirk had good memories of working beside his grandpa on the farm. He died after Kirk left for Washington. Standing here in his grandfather’s shoes, he sensed his grandpa felt the same about working beside him.
“If you slow down, you’ll do a better job and be able to last all day.”
“If I slow down, we won’t get done.” Kirk never even looked at his grandpa as he continued shoveling dirt into the hole.
I sure wish he would listen to some of my advice. I used to act like that towards my grandpa when he tried to tell me something. Sure miss working with him. Hope Kirk enjoys this the way I used to enjoy working with grandpa. Would have saved me a world of trouble if I had learned things from him instead of on my own. Seventy-one years of knowledge and this sixteen year old boy thinks he has things figured out better than me, Kirk heard his grandpa think.
It never occurred to me that Grandpa might be thinking back to a similar time in his life. I can tell from the way Grandpa feels he enjoyed working with me.
I remember when I thought I had all of it figured out, he heard his grandpa thinking. I think if I lived two hundred more years I still wouldn’t scratch the surface on figuring things out. But I do need to try to pass on to this kid something he can use and maybe it will save him some grief.
Kirk was surprised at how urgent his grandpa felt about talking to him. A memory of his mom asking his grandpa to talk to him about his excessive drinking flashed before him.
“Kirk, I need you to stop working for a minute so we can talk.”
“Go ahead,” replied Kirk, still trying to finish packing the dirt in.
“Kirk, I need you to stop working and talk.”
Kirk stopped for a minute. “What’s up?”
“I hear tell that you enjoy drinking a lot. Is that true?”
“Who said that?” responded Kirk, trying to dodge the first question with a question of his own.
“That’s not important,” argued his grandpa, understanding that Kirk avoiding the question was as good as a yes.
“You know, Kirk,” his grandpa went on, “I’ve seen a lot of good men in my time who let the drinking get the best of them. It turned good men into something they were not meant to be. It’s one thing to have a drink after a hard day’s work. It’s another to live for it. Don’t let drinking ruin your life, Kirk. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I don’t have a drinking problem, Grandpa. I’m okay. I have to go get ready to meet the guys in town. I’ll come back out Monday and help work on the fence some more.” Kirk almost ran to his truck.
I avoided that whole conversation.
“Sorry, Betty. I don’t think he heard a word I said,” remarked Kirk’s grandpa to his mom as though she were standing right there.
He’s right. I didn’t even remember the conversation until now. I handled every situation I didn’t want to deal with exactly like that, thought Kirk as he saw himself running off to his truck.
Get out when it gets tough. Man, what a disappointment I am. Grandpa tried to stop me. I just wouldn’t listen. Sorry, Grandpa. At least you tried. You sure had your work cut out for you, though.
Kirk’s grandpa picked up the shovel with a heavy heart and finished the work he had left behind.
Chapter 38
Let’s head home now. We’re going to be pushing it if we drive to the other side of town and have to head back after we stop for a while.”
Kirk quickly glanced up to see himself, drunk and unwilling to listen to reason.
I’m Sarah.
“Come on. We’re only young once. Let’s enjoy it,” he heard himself say.
OH, NO. This is the night Sarah died. The night of the wreck. I don’t want to . . . I . . . I can’t go through this again.
“Come on, Kirk. Let’s go home,” pleaded Sarah.
There’s no way he’s going to listen to you, Sarah, thought Kirk as he recognized the same look he had given his grandpa when he didn’t listen to him.
There’s no way he’s going to listen to me, thought Sarah almost simultaneously.
Sorry, Sarah. I see how I am now, if it helps any.
Kirk saw himself stumble as he turned and walked to the truck. A sick, uneasy feeling ran through Sarah as she debated on taking a stand and threatening to stay here if Kirk didn’t let her drive. She gave in, realizing when Kirk was drunk like he was now he wouldn’t listen.
STOP HIM, SARAH! Kirk tried to scream the thought, hoping it would be loud enough for Sarah to hear.
MAKE THAT IDIOT STOP!
He won’t listen to me. For an instant Kirk thought she might have heard him.
I know you were probably thinking the same thing, Sarah. Just like before when we knew I wouldn’t listen. I love you, and I’m sorry.
Kirk was almost certain she couldn’t hear him but decided it would be best, at least for his own sanity, to stop trying to talk to her.
How could I not listen to her? All she wanted was to go home. She would still be alive if I had listened.
The ride to the party was quiet as Kirk listened to Sarah’s last thoughts. He was sitting in the middle of the truck as Sarah always had, next to himself. He could see Sarah’s reflection in the mirror.
I always wished I would have another chance to see her. Just to look into her eyes again. Now I wish I didn’t get the chance. Not like this. Not on this night.
The party was torture for him and Sarah. He could hear her thoughts and feel her anxiousness.
Only forty-five minutes until her curfew. Only about thirty until she dies. I thought I was having such a good time. She was miserable. All she wanted was to go home early enough that I wasn’t hammered so she could get a decent good night kiss and a nice word about how I felt about her. Why was I so selfish?
To add to his misery, he saw himself, the drunken fool. He never had this opportunity to see himself when he was drinking.
I love him, but he is so stupid when he’s drunk, he heard Sarah thinking.
The words cut him. Not because they were harsh, but because they were true.
Look at me. I thought I was having such a good time. What an idiot.
Now through Sarah’s eyes, in her final hours, he saw the fool he had been when he was drinking. Hell, he saw it in the way the other people at the party were reacting to him. Rolling their eyes at his comments, the whispers between people who were far enough from him not to be heard.
Kirk saw himself walk towards a tall skinny kid that had a group of six people standing around him listening intently to his story about taking a three-week bull-riding course over the summer.
“Hey, Bill, I’m on my third night of drinking . . . went out with . . . ”
“Hold on a second, Kirk. I need to get in my truck and get a cold one. I’ll get back with ya,” Bill said as he turned away, not giving Kirk time to respond.
Wow . . . he didn’t want to talk to me at all. I’m all but sure he didn’t try to come back to see what I had to say, either. Guess I could have taken the time to listen to his story instead of trying to top it with one of my own. His was better. When I think back on it, many people avoided conversation with me. Guess they preferred someone who’s not an idiot to talk to. I see I ran the rest of the group off also.
Two of the guys from the group had walked over near Sarah.
“Wow, that guy don’t shut up. Kind of hard to get a word in.”
Sarah turned and walked away.
Oh, my God. She’s embarrassed. I can feel it. Half an hour until she dies and I’m being such a dumb ass that she’s embarrassed to be seen with me. Why didn’t I see this? Why do I have to be someone else to see my faults, my shortcomings. I don’t want her to die seeing me this way.
“It’s all right, lad.”
Kirk looked up to see his true reflection in the confessional mirror. Joe, and not his evil twin, was standing next to him.
“I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP! TO HELL WITH THIS, JOE! This sucks,” Kirk exclaimed in a voice indicating his anger was turning to frustration, despair, and the depths of misery. “Am I that horrible? I knew I had flaws, but am I that . . . ?” Kirk couldn’t finish the sentence through the lump in his throat as he thought about the horrible person he witnessed in the mirror.
“It’s harsh to see, lad, but that’s who ye are. It’s yer humanity,” replied Joe simply.
“Is that what it means to be human?” shouted Kirk with an angry tone. “To spend the first part of your life acting like an idiot so you can look in a mirror years later and realize how stupid you were? I knew I wasn’t an intelligent man, but that mirror helped me realize what potential was true.”
“Bad and good, lad,” remarked Joe. “That’s what your humanity gives you. We had to show you the flaws you have. No matter how horrible they are to look at ye must recognize them to become the person God wishes for you to be, to reach yer potential so Kirk Murphy will never be that person again. Now, lad, I want to show ye the good side of Kirk Murphy. The traits ye have that are positive.”
“I can’t . . . not right now, anyway. I need some time to think about what I’ve seen.”
Without an answer from Joe, Kirk woke up in his bed. He sat up suddenly, confused.
Right, he thought, I’m still in Indemnity.
Kirk pulled the covers up over himself and pulled his pillow close to his chest.
Chapter 39
Ron Truitt looked down at his hands confused about the child crying in his arms.
Where is Ron? He should have been home hours ago, Ron heard the thought. I’m Nancy.
Oh, no. Not on this night, Ron thought as the realization hit him this was the night she left him.