by Warren Cain
Terrance put his head down in shame.
“Your wife is seriously considering leaving you because of your problem.”
“How do you know that?” Terrance asked.
“The same way I knew to film that whole ugly episode last night so you could watch it today. It’s out of control.” Ron gave Terrance a look that turned an already serious mood into a “this is more serious than you thought” mood.
“I was in your shoes at one time in my life, and it cost me a wife and two kids. I haven’t seen them for seven years, and do you want to know what the worst part of it is?” Ron didn’t wait for Terrance to answer the question. “The worst part is they are better off without me. Is that what you want? Do you want to look back and realize your wife and kid are better off without you?”
Terrance couldn’t think of anything to say.
“You need to get it right, Terrance. Get help.”
“I don’t know how to quit,” said Terrance. The emotion in his voice sounded as though quitting crossed his mind a lot.
“You have to get help. You know it’s a problem, and it’s time to let your family know you want to get better. Don’t be embarrassed to talk to them about getting help because you’re going to find out they want you to be the man you used to be. A good dad, husband, and banker. This is your wake-up call. You can ignore this, but it’s only going to get worse, if you can imagine what’s worse than what you saw on that tape we just watched.”
Terrance’s eyes were watering. He tried to say something, but the lump in his throat would not allow for speech. He cleared his throat. “Can I have the tape so I can show my wife how bad I am and make sure we want to work through this?”
“You got it,” said Ron. “And I’ll help you however I can.”
Chapter 59
Ron pulled up to a small house in Louisburg, Idaho. The yard was fully enclosed with a white picket fence in the front that connected to a chain link fence enclosing the remaining portion of the back yard. The black shutters stood out against the white house. In the front yard on the inside of the picket fence was a small fish pond with a running fountain circled by a stunning array of flowers.
She always had a green thumb, thought Ron. Too bad she didn’t have time to use it back then.
Ron’s hair was cut shorter than it had been since he graduated high school. His face was freshly shaven and his clothes consisted of a nicely pressed collared shirt.
I’m so nervous, he thought to himself.
The house looked better than the way he remembered it from his vision when he saw Nancy’s thoughts of where she was going to stay if she left him. The house belonged to a family member who was more than happy to rent it to her at a cheap price if she would “leave that loser.”
Ron knew he had a lot of his past to overcome to prove to Nancy and her family he had straightened out his life. His knuckles were turning white as he gripped the flowers he had brought for her. The thought of turning and walking away crossed his mind.
Just ring the doorbell, he thought to himself. There has to be a reason you saw where she lives.
The door opened. Ron stood there at a loss for words. He had practiced what he was going to say at this moment for the past six months, but now he couldn’t utter a sound.
“Can I help you?”
She doesn’t recognize me, thought Ron. It had been a long time since she had seen him well groomed.
“It’s me, Nancy.”
Nancy looked harder, realizing she must know this man standing at her door with flowers.
“Oh, my . . .” She remained silent for a few seconds, and her face went white, almost as if she was going to pass out.
“Kids, go out and play in the back yard.”
“Aww, Mom. We’re playing video games.”
Ron glanced inside to see two kids he knew were his, though they had grown. He knew he had missed a big portion of life. Their life and his suddenly overwhelmed him as he saw these two children who to the best of Ron’s memory would be eight and eleven.
“NOW!” insisted Nancy in a tone that caused the children to jump up and hit the back door almost at a run.
“What the hell do you want, and how did you find me?” asked Nancy after she had regained her composure. “I don’t want you around anymore.”
Ron was expecting to hear that, but the reality of it had more of an effect on him than he had planned for.
Don’t give up, he thought to himself.
“Nancy, I know I put you through a lot and I understand you and the kids were better off without me. It was a rotten way to live. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking for a second chance, mostly as a dad. I don’t expect you to forgive me. You saw how horrible I had become, but I would like a chance to be involved in their life.”
Ron could see the children playing catch in the back yard as he took a seat at the kitchen table. Nancy remained quiet, still in shock that Ron had found them.
“What are they like, Nancy? The kids, I mean.” Ron was filled with a sudden sense of curiosity.
Nancy took a deep breath. “Nick acts like you. He hardly knew you, but I see it in him almost every day. He wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose, and he’s always looking for ways to make me happy. The way you used to before the drugs.”
Nancy paused for a minute, carefully considering the words she would use to describe her other child. “Andrew is a curious child. Always asking questions. He’s intelligent, Ron. Can you believe coming from the two of us who had C averages all through school?”
Nancy’s eyes were glowing as she talked about her kids. Suddenly the reality of who she was talking to sunk in.
“Why should I let you back in their life?” The question was asked with no emotion.
Ron took a moment to make it come out the way he rehearsed. “For five months now I’ve been employed at a convenience store in Binesford. I have a whole new focus on life and what makes me happy. I want to be involved with my kids. I know I’ve failed, Nancy. I’ve failed you, and I failed them, but if you can give me another chance I can be the dad I was when we tucked Nick in at night, when I used to rock him to sleep. I’ve been clean since the day you left me. It woke me up. I want it back, though I know I don’t deserve it.” Ron forced himself not to cry. He had promised himself he would not make Nancy feel sorry for him. “But I want it.”
“I’ll give you a second chance.”
“Thank you . . . I—”
“But first,” she said, interrupting him, “I’m going to get to know who you are before I let you near our kids. This Friday night come pick me up at seven. I’ll have the kids at a sitter’s house. We’ll discuss your second chance over dinner.”
“It’s a date,” Ron said, smiling.
“Let’s call it dinner for now,” she said, trying not to set herself up for disappointment.
“Dinner it is,” said Ron as he stood up and walked towards the door.
“And don’t be late or the deal’s off.” Nancy tried to sound strict and not let any feelings of excitement show. “And please be the Ron I used to know,” she said under her breath as she watched him walk down the street, whistling a tune.
Chapter 60
Kirk placed the empty beer cans from the back of Kevin’s truck in a neatly spaced row on the picnic table of the roadside park where he and Kevin had spent the night. Kevin was sitting in the same position in the passenger seat of the truck but was beginning to groan, indicating he was either dreaming or nearing the point where he would awaken.
Kirk stepped back about twenty yards from the cans and took a seated position to allow his elbows to rest on his knees. The door of the truck slowly opened and Kevin stepped out looking somewhat confused at the strange place he found himself in. He spotted Kirk sitting down and began to walk towards him. Kirk raised the pistol and took careful aim at the cans.
“Hold on, man!” shouted Kevin in surprise, holding his ears for what he was sure was about to be a loud report from the pistol.
“Plink.” A can fell. Kirk smiled to himself at the noise and what he was sure Kevin was thinking. “Plink” another can fell over.
“You son of a—” Kevin was too dumbfounded to finish the sentence. “You held me hostage with a BB gun.”
Kirk’s smile grew slightly. “Yeah. They have a seven-day waiting period to buy a real pistol, and I didn’t exactly get enough notice to buy one that far in advance.”
“What the hell are we doing out here?” asked Kevin.
“I couldn’t get you to wake up to tell me where you lived, and I didn’t have enough to put us up for the night in a hotel.”
“Who are you, and what’s your beef with me?” asked Kevin.
“Sorry. I forgot to introduce myself. Kirk Murphy,” he said, holding out his hand.
Kevin ignored the introduction.
“You remember much about last night?” asked Kirk.
“I remember you coming in to the bar and saying you were supposed to give me a ride home and betting a cat would knock me down.” Kevin gave a thoughtful look as the memory of the cat knocking him down came to him. “How did you know that was going to happen?”
“What else do you remember?” asked Kirk, intentionally avoiding the question for the moment.
“You showed me an intersection where you said I would have killed that little kid in the back of the car.”
Kirk couldn’t tell if Kevin was hung over or if he was in more of a listening mood than he had been the night before, but he seemed to be considering the notion of what Kirk had told him.
Kirk decided to let him process the information for a minute.
“You wanna try?” asked Kirk, handing him the pistol.
“No thanks.”
Kevin ran a hand over his face, looking like a man under a spell and trying to break free.
“Here’s the strange thing about that kid you showed me in the red car,” Kevin said. “I had a dream about a week ago, and that kid told me I should listen to the person who would point him out.”
Kirk took a minute to process what he had heard. Well, God, you have your hand in all of this, don’t you?
“You avoided the question earlier,” said Kevin after a moment of silence. “And if I’m not supposed to know the answer, I can deal with that, but I have to ask again. How did you know what was going to happen last night?”
“I had a vision,” Kirk began. “I was in your truck. I watched you drive yourself home after Steve’s Place. It was horrible.” Kirk said remembering the vision. “You passed out, and the truck kept going faster. Your truck rammed the rear driver-side door . . . the one the kid was sitting next to. His mother was unconscious, and the father couldn’t turn around to see his dead son.” Kirk took a deep breath, noticing the look of horror on Kevin’s face at the details.
Don’t hold back the truth, said Kirk to himself as he realized he was getting through to Kevin.
“I had another vision of you, Kevin. I was in your apartment a few months later. The guilt was destroying you. It was too much for you, and you took your own life. You were sitting on the floor in a hallway right below the picture of a bird dog with a quail. Red barn in the background.”
“How the…I just bought that last week. I was planning on hanging that in the hallway but haven’t yet.”
“I was sent here to save you from the wreck last night and to tell you to get your life straightened up before you kill someone or yourself. I have something I want to show you,” said Kirk, grabbing his wallet from his back pocket. “This was my girlfriend Sarah. I overdid the drinking one night and took her for a ride that ended her life.” Tears began to streak down Kirk’s face. “Don’t do it anymore. Damn it . . . you have to stop making bad decisions, Kevin.”
“I hear ya,” said Kevin, forcing the words through the lump in his throat.
Chapter 61
Kirk walked into the church once again. I guess I’m having another vision, he thought to himself, remembering he had made it to his apartment in Mankata.
The church was dark and quiet. The only sound was Kirk’s footsteps. The last time the church was this dark in his dreams was when he was a child with the dragon. Suddenly Kirk heard a thump from the confessional in the rear of the church.
Kirk’s heart skipped a beat. Oh, no. Not again.
Kirk was afraid but knew he should open the door. There has to be a reason I’m here.
Besides, it’s just a dream, thought Kirk, trying to reassure himself.
Kirk’s heart was racing as he reached for the doorknob. He slowly turned it and began to open the door. Suddenly two red eyes appeared inside the confessional. “YOU!” said a loud voice inside the small room.
Kirk fell backwards onto the ground.
“YOU . . . still believe in dragons at your age,” said Joe, laughing as he came out of the confessional.
“Why did you do that?” asked Kirk still dumbfounded.
“Just for a little humor. Give yourself a couple of seconds, and it will make you smile too.”
Joe was right. Kirk began to smile as Joe helped him off the floor.
“Let’s have a seat, Kirk,” said Joe, motioning towards the front of the church.
The pair walked slowly to the front pew and sat down.
“You did a wonderful job, Kirk,” said Joe in a low voice that toned down the playful mood they felt just a minute before.
“It felt good, Joe. It felt good to look past my needs, past anything that affects my life and worry more about someone else’s. I forgot. For the past three days, I forgot the guilt. I haven’t felt it, and that is something I haven’t done for too long. I feel good about myself for putting someone else’s troubles in front of my own.”
“I have someone here who would like to talk to you, Kirk,” said Joe.
Kirk’s mind raced as he thought of who might want to see him. The back door of the church opened, and a man dressed in robes with a hood over his head walked in.
“Is that . . .” Kirk could not finish the question.
“Yes,” replied Joe. “That is Jesus.”
Kirk stepped into the aisle and fell to his knees. He shook at the thought of who he was about to see. His body tingled.
“Kirk. Look at me, Kirk.”
Kirk forced himself to look at Jesus. He had never felt so humbled in his life as to be standing in the presence of Christ.
The area around Jesus seemed to be lit up from his presence alone. The darkness that had filled the church was gone and was now suffused with light.
Kirk looked into his face. His face was the same as it appeared on all the statues and pictures he had seen, but something in his face brought a peace Kirk had never felt before. It was similar to the peace he saw in Larry Kincaid’s eyes in Indemnity, only so much stronger.
“You have questions you would like to ask me,” said Jesus. “Sit with me.”
Kirk took a seat in the pew, and Jesus sat next to him. Kirk had imagined many times in his life what he would say if given this opportunity, but the awe of the moment seemed to take away his ability to speak.
“I’ll speak first to help you,” said Jesus with a smile. “Some of your questions will not be answered, but it’s good for you to ask and keep searching for the answer.”
There was a pause as he waited for Kirk to begin.
“For the past five years I’ve fantasized about what Sarah would say to me. Would she tell me she forgives me for ending her life? Or would she say nothing and walk away? I’ve imagined she would forgive me, but I suppose that is what my mind wants to hear from her.” Kirk took a deep breath before continuing. “I learned I can’t put those words in hers or anyone else’s mouth. Hers and everyone else’s d
ecision to forgive me must be their own, and I won’t find out in this lifetime if she forgives me.” Kirk paused, excited at the possibility. “Will I?”
Jesus smiled. “No. It was not set up to work that way.”
“I’ve been reading the Bible a little more these days,” continued Kirk. “In the Gospels it says you came for the sinners. I don’t understand why. Why would you come for someone like me who messed up so badly? What about the people who are devout to you their whole life?”
Jesus smiled. “Have you ever saw a parent discipline a child for running out in a busy street because they do not want them to be hit by cars?”
Kirk gave a slight nod.
“Now if that parent has two children and one of them is hit by a car, they’re going to take the hurt child to the hospital and take care of him. The loving parents will not forget the other child or his needs, but for a time the hurt child will need extra attention to heal his wounds.”
Kirk thought about the connection between himself and the hurt child.
Jesus continued. “Now, after the child has healed, he knows what the parents know about playing in the street and how bad it can hurt. The only reason the other child doesn’t play in the street is because his parents told him not to. Sometimes the second child, being innocent and rarely disobedient to the parents, may feel the first child deserved the hurt he felt because he was disobedient. If another child was around who had also been hit by a car, that child who had been healed would feel sympathetic towards the child who had been hit because he knows how easy it is to make a mistake. It’s the same way with people and sins. You, Kirk Murphy, know all it takes is one missed step and you get hurt. What do you suppose the healed child will do if he sees a child playing in the street?”
Kirk smiled. “He would tell him to stay out of the street before he gets hurt.”
Jesus looked at Kirk. “You’ve learned so much through your struggle with your guilt. You want others to forgive you, but you need to forgive yourself. I forgive you, Kirk. As soon as you were remorseful, I forgave you, and no matter how hard your life is I will always be with you.”