by Lynn Ames
“No.”
She said no, more than once, and Jessie had taken her at her word. Jessie didn’t know much—well anything—about sex with boys or the odds of getting pregnant by having sex with a boy just once. But she did know Claudia, and there was no question that when Claudia returned to the beach alone, something had changed. She had said she had the flu, but was that really true?
Jessie stood up, splashed water on her face, and exited the bathroom.
Claudia hadn’t moved. Her face was haggard. “Jess?”
“Tell me again about that last day in Sweetwater.”
“W-why are you asking me this?”
“When you came out of the woods after your…‘walk’ with Matt, you weren’t yourself. You looked shaken, and upset, and horrible.”
“I-I told you, I had the flu or a stomach bug.”
“Yep. That’s what you told me. Was it the truth?” Jessie stared hard at Claudia. Would she even know if her lover was lying? As Claudia continually reminded her, she had a much better poker face than Jessie did.
“Yes.” Claudia didn’t hesitate, didn’t flinch.
“You had the flu, and that’s why you were such a mess?”
“I just told you, yes.”
“You weren’t feeling well, but still you had the desire and the energy to do…that with Matt?”
“I didn’t feel sick when we went for the walk. It was only afterward.”
Jessie tried to detect any hint that Claudia was being disingenuous. There was none. “So Matt didn’t do anything you didn’t want him to do? That’s what you’re telling me? I’m assuming that’s the only time you…” Jessie couldn’t say it, couldn’t bring herself to contemplate it. Tears threatened, but she held them at bay. Please, tell me you didn’t want this.
Claudia closed her eyes and nodded.
Jessie grasped at one last straw. “You aren’t protecting Matt, are you? Because you know how I feel about him?”
“No!”
“So you wanted him to…” Jessie sank to the floor in front of the bed. She couldn’t even look at Claudia. For a long time, she sat there as tears rolled down her cheeks. “I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t be around you.”
“You don’t mean that.”
Jessie didn’t answer. She finally met Claudia’s eyes.
“Jess?”
Jessie shook her head and held up her hand. “The thought of sharing you…” She shuddered. “What was it, Claude? Did you figure you’d just stay with me until Matt came back from the war? Was that it?”
“No, Jess. I would never do that to you.” Tears coursed down Claudia’s face too, and she began to rock.
“There are a lot of things I never thought you’d do to me. Apparently, I was wrong.” It was as if a switch was flipped. Jessie felt dead inside. “So what is it, then, Claude? Because this isn’t adding up for me.” Claudia squirmed in the chair, but said nothing. “I’ll ask it a different way. Have you made plans to marry Matt?”
“What? No!”
“I see. Hopefully he’ll make an honest woman out of you before…” Jessie’s composure slipped. “…before your baby is born.”
“Oh, Jess.” Claudia moved toward her haltingly. “It isn’t like that. I don’t want to marry Matt. I love you, sugar. You’re the only one for me.”
Jessie held up her hand again. “Don’t come any closer.” She couldn’t stand it if Claudia touched her right now. She jumped up, grabbed a shirt from the closet, and threw it on. She needed a shield. “Maybe you should have thought of that before you…” Jessie made a gesture, then folded her arms protectively over her chest. “Of course you’ll marry Matt. You have a baby to think about.”
“I don’t want to think about it.”
“You don’t really have a choice now, do you?” Jessie paced in front of the bed. “Have you thought about the consequences? The immediate consequences, I mean.”
“Like what?”
“Like, you can’t fly while you’re pregnant.”
“I can’t… What are you talking about?” Claudia’s voice shook.
“For one thing, four girls washed out at Sweetwater because they got pregnant. It’s one of the regulations. You can’t fly while you’re in that condition. For another, it’s not safe for you to fly.” Jessie fought hard not to break down. Regardless of what Claudia had done, she couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to her. She could miscarry or hemorrhage or something, couldn’t she?
Claudia took another halting step forward. “There are only two things I care about in all the world, Jess—you and flying. Nobody needs to know yet. I won’t be showing for months. I could keep flying…”
“No.” Apart from worrying about Claudia’s health, Jessie wouldn’t survive if they worked on the same base, knowing that they would never be together again. Even though she didn’t run into Claudia often during the day, the idea that their paths could cross, that Jessie would have to see her… It was too much.
“Please, Jess.”
Jessie saw the look of desperation in Claudia’s face, that face that she cherished more than anything in the world. She couldn’t—wouldn’t—allow her love for Claudia any room to breathe. Not now. Not ever again. She would have to smother the life out of it, even if it meant destroying her own life in the process.
“If you don’t offer your resignation by the end of the day today, I’ll go to the officer in charge and get you dismissed with cause.”
“Jessie! You can’t mean that.” Tears streamed down Claudia’s face.
“Go home, Claude, or go to wherever Matt is stationed. I-I don’t want to see you ever again.” Jessie felt her soul shredding, but she pushed forward, needing to finish it. “Please, don’t be here when I get back. Don’t make this worse than it already is.”
“I-I love you, Jess.”
“I’m going to be late for work.” Jessie closed herself in the bathroom again. She let the shower water run over her, mixing with the tears she no longer could hold back. The soap slipped from her fingers as she tried to control her shaking hands long enough to wash. She tried not to think about the fact that she was washing away the last of their lovemaking. Eventually, she got herself clean and dressed. When she came out of the bathroom, Claudia was nowhere in sight. With a heavy heart, Jessie left the house and walked to the bus stop.
Jessie never saw Claudia again. When she got home that night there was a note on the table. It read: “My dearest Jessie. It is my sincere wish not to cause you any more pain and distress than I already have. As you requested, I submitted my resignation. As you read this, I am no longer a WASP.” Jessie’s eyes misted over, and she was forced to stop reading until she dried her tears. “I made sure I left nothing of myself behind. I’m sure the last thing you want is to be reminded in any way of me. I used some of the money my parents gave me for graduation to pay the rent on our the house for the remainder of the year, so you won’t have to worry about that. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I love you with all my heart, sugar. Now and always. You ARE the only one for me. Someday, I hope you’ll understand and forgive me. Yours for eternity, Claudia”
Jessie sank to the floor and curled up in a ball. She rocked back and forth, wailing and moaning, wishing she could die so she wouldn’t have to feel anymore. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep, and dreamt of Claudia.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Jessie? Are you okay?”
Jessie looked up and blinked. “Claude.” She smiled broadly. “I am now that you’re here.”
“I-I’m sorry, Jessie. It’s me, Chelsea, Claudia’s great granddaughter.”
Jessie’s heart jerked. She was embarrassed to realize that she was crying. “Of course you are. Forgive an old woman, I got caught up in memories.” Jessie pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped her eyes.
“They’re calling your name. Shall I help you up to the stage?”
Jessie looked up at the stage, where her fellow WASPs or their r
epresentatives were receiving their medals. How much time had passed? She had no idea. “Thank you, I’ll be all right.”
She leaned heavily on her cane and rose slowly, making her way up the ramp to shake hands with one of the politicians on stage. Someone else handed Jessie a replica of the Congressional Medal of Honor and thanked her for her service. It was the first time in all these years she could remember someone saying thank you for what she and the others had done for their country. Her eyes welled up again, though this time she managed not to cry.
When the ceremony ended, Jessie spent a few minutes chatting with Shirley, Annabelle, and Rebecca. Unfortunately, Janie didn’t live to see this day. Although she sensed that the girls wanted to ask about Claudia, none of them did. It was a subject Jessie had refused to talk about for nearly seventy years, and she suspected they understood the subject remained closed.
Jessie moved away and headed for the exit. She was intercepted before she got halfway across the room.
“Grandma Natalie and I would like to know if you would do us the honor of joining us for lunch.”
“Oh. That’s very kind of you, but these days I don’t have much of an appetite. With all this excitement, I think I just need some rest.” With her memories of their time together so vivid, so close to the surface, Jessie was afraid that spending any more time with Claudia’s family would be too painful.
“At least let us see you safely back to your room,” Natalie said, appearing behind Chelsea. “They’ve put us all up in the same hotel, so we’re going that way anyway.”
Jessie could think of no plausible reason to reject that offer, so she agreed.
Safely ensconced in Natalie’s rented late-model Mercedes, Jessie sat back for the short ride. “This is a very nice car—must have cost a bundle to rent. You must be doing well for yourself. What is it you do, Natalie?”
“I’m a doctor.”
“A doctor?” Jessie’s eyebrows rose into her hairline. “That’s really something. What kind of doctor?”
“I’m an oncologist.”
“Your mother must be very proud.” Jessie chewed her lip, unsure whether she truly wanted to know the answer to the question she’d intentionally avoided asking up to this point. “About your mother, Natalie. Why isn’t she here, herself? Is Claudia…” In the end, Jessie couldn’t bring herself to say the word.
Natalie reached across the console and patted Jessie’s hand. “No. Mother is still alive. She’s in hospice care.”
“Hospice?” Jessie struggled to digest the information. “Claudia’s dying?”
“I’m afraid so.”
Jessie worked her jaw. She wanted to know how long Claudia had to live, and what was wrong, but she couldn’t get the words around the golf-ball-sized lump in her throat and the terrible ache in her heart. She took out her handkerchief with shaking hands and held it to her mouth.
Natalie reached over and rubbed her arm. Chelsea leaned forward from the back seat and patted her shoulder. Jessie simply sobbed and looked out the passenger window. Claudia, her Claudia, was dying.
Natalie and Chelsea insisted on escorting Jessie to her room, despite her protestations that she was fine. Chelsea swiped the key card Jessie provided and turned on a light. Natalie steadied Jessie on the side opposite from her cane and helped her over to a chair by the window. She opened the curtains to let in some sunlight.
“This really isn’t necessary…”
“Here’s a glass of water for you.” Chelsea held the glass out for Jessie to take.
“Thank you.” Jessie smiled at her through a film of fresh tears. She really did so resemble Claudia. “Honestly, there’s no need to make such a fuss…”
“Chelsea, stay here with Jessie for a minute, will you?” Natalie asked. To Jessie she said, “There’s something I want to give you. It’s in our room. I’ll only be a minute.”
Jessie didn’t even have time to object before Natalie was out the door. “Does she always take charge like that, your grandmother?”
Chelsea laughed. “Pretty much.”
Jessie shook her head. “She’s just like her mother. Speaking of which, where are your mom and dad?”
“Oh. Um, they’re spending time with Grandma Claudia while we’re here. My mom thought it was important for me to see a part of history.”
It was Jessie’s turn to laugh. “So, now I’m history, eh? Well, I suppose that’s true.”
“If it wasn’t for you, today’s Air Force wouldn’t have women pilots, and neither would the commercial airlines. You paved the way. You were the first.”
Chelsea’s enthusiasm and earnestness warmed Jessie’s heart. “Is that so?”
“Sure is…” Chelsea narrowed her eyes. “Are you playing with me?”
Jessie chuckled. “Only a little. I bet you’re hell on wheels in school.”
“That’s what my professors say.”
“What are you studying?”
“Mechanical engineering, but I keep telling my parents I want to go into the Air Force. I want to fly just like Grandma Claudia did.”
“Whoa, there, young lady. It’s not as glamorous as you think, and definitely too dangerous for someone as smart as you.”
Chelsea frowned. “That’s what Grandma Claudia said.”
Jessie took a sip of water to compose herself. “Your great grandma is a very, very wise woman. You should listen to her.”
“She says that too.”
That startled a laugh out of Jessie. Yep, that was her Claudia all over.
There was a knock at the door and Chelsea jumped up to answer it. She came back with Natalie, who was carrying a box.
“What’s this?”
Natalie placed the box on the bed and lifted the lid. She started to take something out, then changed her mind, picked up the box, and brought it to Jessie.
“These are for you.” She reached inside, pulled something out, and placed it in Jessie’s lap.
Jessie lifted the bundle and turned it over in her hands. It was a packet of letters tied with a ribbon, and each letter had Jessie’s name on it. On top was a year: 1943. “I don’t understand.”
“Mama wrote letters to you. Lots of them. They start from the time she left the WASPs in 1943, and continue right up until a few weeks ago. She never sent them, never tried to contact you. But you were always, always in her thoughts and in her heart.”
“Claudia wrote to me?”
“All the time.”
Jessie teared up again. “I’m sorry. I feel like a leaky faucet today.”
“It’s okay.” Natalie put a reassuring hand on Jessie’s shoulder. “It’s an emotional time.”
“None of these has an address on it—just my name.”
“As I said, I don’t think my mother ever intended to send them to you.”
Jessie thought about that. “Then why give them to me now? If Claudia didn’t want me to have these…” Jessie tried to hand the bundle back to Natalie.
“No. Keep them. Mama hoped you would be here today. She asked me to bring these to you. She was adamant about it.”
Jessie closed her eyes and brushed her fingers across the letters, then cradled them against her chest. Claudia’s thoughts and dreams were in these, and she wanted to share them with Jessie. She hadn’t forgotten her, after all.
She opened her eyes to find Natalie and Chelsea watching her. She placed the bundle back in the box. “Have you read these?” she asked Natalie.
“No. They weren’t for my eyes. But I remember many nights sitting at the table, doing my homework while Mama wrote pages and pages to you. No matter how tired she was, she would take the time to write to you before bed.”
Natalie motioned Chelsea to head toward the door. “You must be exhausted. We’ll leave you alone now. I’m writing down my room number in case you need it. We’ll be checking out late tomorrow morning. Please, don’t hesitate to call if you need anything. It was an honor and a pleasure to meet you, Jessie.” Natalie leaned over, hugged
Jessie, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Chelsea also gave Jessie a hug.
“I-I’m so glad you were here,” Jessie said. “And thank you so much for these.” She indicated the letters. Jessie started to rise, but Natalie held up a hand to stop her.
“No. We’ll show ourselves out. You take care.”
When the door clicked closed, Jessie got up, carried the box to the bed, and set it down.
September 5, 1943
My Dearest Darling Jess,
My hand shakes as I put pen to paper. I cannot seem to stem the tide of tears. I feel so alone. I am taking a train to my parents’ house. I can’t say I’m on my way home, because there will only ever be one home for me, and that’s with you.
By now you have probably found my note, and you know that I have honored your wishes. I have lost everything that matters to me—you, my standing as a WASP, my future.
I am more frightened than I have ever been in my life. I cannot tell my parents the truth; I can’t tell anyone, for the one thing I will never do is put you in jeopardy. I would lose my life first, and I guess in some ways I have.
Perhaps you think I deserve this. Maybe I do. Maybe God is punishing me for loving you so much, but I cannot believe that the kind of love we share is unnatural.
My head is reeling, but the one thing I know for sure is that I love you with all my heart, and I always will.
Claudia
Jessie set the letter aside and looked out the window. Her room offered a spectacular view of the Washington Monument, but she hardly noticed. The date on the letter was September 5th, a day Jessie remembered well.
The floor in the bungalow was hard as a rock. Jessie rolled over onto her back and straightened her legs. It was the middle of the night, and every muscle and joint was sore. She stretched out slowly, working out the kinks. Her eyes were gritty from crying and she felt like she’d swallowed sawdust.
After several minutes, she stood up and gazed around, hoping against hope that she’d dreamt the whole thing. But when she wandered through the rooms, it was as if she’d never been in this place before. All the knickknacks and small touches that Claudia had bought for them were gone. The bungalow no longer looked lived in, it felt sterile and cold.