by S. L. Finlay
I knew in my heart that I would never want to go back to America and be a lawyer, that I had changed too much for that but I wanted to study here, and had to find a way to sell the idea to my family. It had been difficult enough selling a semester abroad, it would be even more difficult selling the idea of me studying here full-time, as an international student before I went home to study in the states for graduate school.
If I did it this way though, I could still study a degree in the arts and get into a school in the US. It was in vogue back home in America right now for schools to poach international students or Americans with international bachelor degrees. Some of the best schools were doing it, I could still get in - and it would be easier - if I studied here.
All the chips were stacked in favour of my staying here in Ireland, I should know, I was the one who stacked them. Now I had a problem though if my boyfriend didn't want me to stay.
I hadn't made this choice because of him, but he was a big part of the reason I wanted to stay. Our relationship was a little fledgling, but something about it just felt right. It felt so good to be together and even though it had only been a short time, I couldn't imagine my life before him.
I had fallen hard for this guy. It was crazy, but it was true. I wanted him, and wanted to be with him, really, really badly.
Now he was sitting before me, unsure what he wanted it seemed. Or maybe he had been sure, and what he wanted wasn't me.
I stood up, "I am going to go now." I told him, unable to take much more of this, "I have a lot of planning to do after all. You call me when you know what you want."
And without a backwards glance, I was out of there. I couldn't bare the thought that perhaps he would say no to me, that perhaps he would reject me, so I just walked away. If it was meant to be, it would be. There wasn't anything I could do right now to make this happen. I just had to wait.
If you love a bird, you let it go.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Over the next several days, I distracted myself with admin tasks. Emailing my university back home, talking to people at this university in Ireland. Finding out what I needed to do to make the transfer.
I still hadn't had the very gentle conversation I would have with my parents about my staying here, but would leave that until I knew what I was doing as I did know my parents well and if they thought I had come to them with a half-cocked plan, they would simply tell me to pack my bags and come home. There would be no real discussion about it. I would just be told.
David hadn't been in touch since we had failed to launch in our first conversation. I didn't expect to hear from him for some time as he was a busy man. Even as I didn't expect to hear from him, it made me sad that he didn't call and I often assumed the worst whenever I allowed myself to think about him, to think about us and what had happened or what was happening. I would have to see him in class again and hoped he wasn't cold to me and ignoring me as he did most of his female students when they tried to grab his attention.
I had had his attention - and his affections - how could it go so sour so quickly? I sighed as I refused to think about it and went about my day as normal. That would only last a very short time before I was bought back to thinking about him and what had happened.
I would be sitting there, trying to study when David's face would flash inside my mind. I would remember a smile or a joke and it would hurt.
Reminding myself of the reason I hadn't called would often help. I hadn't called because it had been me who walked out on him and I didn't want to be crawling back to him after that. I also believed that if he wanted to talk, he would call me.
It was a shame I didn't have any good girlfriends to talk to this about. Girlfriends who would tell me how silly I was being. I was definitely being silly.
By the time the day of my class with him came around I had gotten all of my paperwork in already. Pre-law back home lasts three years and I had already gotten much of my course done. The way the course matched up with this one meant that I would only have a few classes to do as a student in Ireland. That was great, as it wouldn't add any extra time onto my studies. All in all, I would need to live in Ireland for an extra year on top of the time I had already been here.
The administration staff at the Irish university were all very excited for me. TO be studying abroad in a country that I loved so much and to be able to afford it too, I was one lucky girl!
I would need to have a heart-to-heart with my parents about my decision before everything was finalised though. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, so kept putting it off.
Besides, there was someone else I needed to have a heart-to-heart with. I wanted to tackle that conversation with David before I talked to anyone else.
Walking into class early as usual, I was greeted by David's warm smile. "How are you this morning?" He asked me in a warm voice and I smiled at him, I couldn't help it. Even though I was mad, he still made me happy. There was no shying away from that.
"I'm good." I said stiffly, "Yourself?"
"Yeah good, I've been thinking about what you said-" He began before a loud noise behind me caught his attention and looking over at it, his face fell.
I turned to see what he was looking at and saw that Dublin girl who had threatened to tattle on us. She looked about as happy to see me as I was to see her.
She found her place in the room and I turned back to David. He gave me an apologetic look before asking me so quietly that only I could hear, "Want to meet again tonight? Same time, same place?"
I nodded and took my place. This would be a long class, and Irish history afterwards would also be a long class.
Spending time with David though, I liked the thought of that. I could wait for that. I hoped whatever he had to say though wasn't going to break my little heart, I couldn't bare that on top of the stress of changing schools mid--degree.
As I looked down at him through class though, I saw several signs that he wasn't mad or upset with me, and that helped me feel better about the whole thing. When I caught his eye he would smile involuntarily and I swore there was a little sparkle in his eye that he never had when he looked at any of the other students.
Luckily though, it was all subtle enough that only I seemed to notice. None of the other students in the room - mostly female, of course - didn't seem to notice what was happening. Perhaps because they were all so busy batting their eyelids at David and trying to get his attention.
I smiled to myself as I took notes, knowing exactly how those girls felt but remembering how none of them could have what I had with him. What we had was special, and besides, David was a one woman man after all.
When I left the classroom there was the usual knot of teenaged girls around David and I just smiled and told him, "I'll see you later!" I'm sure if those same girls had been listening they would have thought I meant next week and that I was just being polite to everybody's favourite professor, I wasn't though. I meant tonight and I wasn't just being polite, he was all mine.
It was an odd thought, that he was all mine. After I had spent all that time stressing about him and us and everything and forcing myself not to dial his number then just by being in his class I knew it wasn't over.
All throughout Irish History I fought with myself. I wanted to talk to Sammy about David. Apparently she did know more about him than most students and I knew that as their relationship extended outside university bounds, she would know more of the real David, rather than the work David but since she had given me his address we had never directly spoken about him. We had went from talking about this guy in every class, my friend teasing me all the while to then not talking about him at all after she had gotten bored of bringing it up to tease me and getting no reaction. The change was obvious, but I wasn't sure what to say to my friend about it.
What could you say to someone when you knew about their fetish even though they hadn't told you? I wondered if Sammy had her own Daddy or if perhaps she would have a Mummy. I wondered how it sounded, her talking baby t
alk with that accent of hers.
While I was thinking about all this, I had zoned out and was staring at Sammy. I hadn't noticed until she was looking at me like I was being weird - because I was being weird - that I had been staring.
"Sorry." I muttered before looking back at our professor, who luckily had her back to us and was writing something up on the chalk board. I was happy for Sammy's sake that she was doing this so I couldn't get Sammy in trouble and have her trying out her elementary Irish. No-one wanted to have to speak Irish here, which would be odd in most countries for people to not want to speak the language named for the country, but not here.
When we were let out of the class, Sammy pulled me aside, "So, everything through yet? You're going to be one of us?" She asked.
I giggled, "What do you mean 'one of us'?" I asked, "Do you mean if I study here I wind up with an accent like yours?"
Sammy giggled right back at me then, "No, we don't give these out to everyone you know. They're special."
"What, do I need to study my post-graduate here too for that?" I asked and Sammy just rolled her eyes at me.
"I have to be somewhere." She told me, making to leave and without thinking I told her right back, "Yeah, me too."
Sammy stopped where she was and turned back towards me, "Where do you have to go?" She asked, her voice a little too high. She was suspicious. The same suspicion she always had about David and I.
"I'm off to talk to a man about a dog." I told her, borrowing a saying I had heard on Irish television just that day.
Sammy rolled her eyes at me, "Really?" She asked.
"Really." I told her. Sammy's face forced me to be real with her though. "No, I am not talking to a man about a dog. Can I tell you about this later though?" I asked, motioning towards another class of people that had been let out. I was concerned about David's privacy, but if there was anyone here I could talk to about this, it was Sammy.
She looked at my motioning towards the other students and decided not to press the issue. "That's fine." She said, "But I want you to fill me in later, I want to know everything!"
She turned and left and I couldn't shake the feeling that she likely already knew everything she needed to know anyway. Sammy wasn't dumb, she was discreet though which was great news for both David and I.
I made my way to the pub where we met and this time, even though I arrived a bit early, I found David already sitting at the table by the window he had been sitting in last time. This time with two drinks already. I was glad you couldn't see in through that window from the outside, as I wouldn't want anyone from the university to walk past and see us. Or at least I wouldn't have wanted that before, now though, I wasn't sure I minded who knew.
If I was going to be staying here, it wasn't going to be like before. David would need to acknowledge me, or at the very least stop hiding me from his colleagues.
I wouldn't admit it to him or to Sammy (once I told her what was up) but I had imagined myself moving out of my student accommodation and in with Daddy for my final year of studies. That he was a professor helped. He would understand the demands of my final year of studies and would give me some lee-way sometimes, while I gave him some lee-way other times because I understood how busy his schedule was.
Whenever I imagined us living together, I would imagine him in the role of Daddy 24/7. Although it might seem a little strange, I rather liked the thought of being looked after all the time. I was a grown woman, but that didn't mean I couldn't still have my small pleasures when I needed them at home. Living with him would mean we had total freedom to do as we liked.
These imaginings could be completely unrealistic though, and as I had spent the last week determined to believe that we were over, it was telling that I also imagined him and I living together in our roles as Daddy and daughter.
I sighed as I sat across from him. I knew how I wanted this conversation to go but it felt like we were on a knife edge. Either we would break up in six months, or he'd still be here with me in twenty years' time.
David passed me my drink and I took a generous gulp of it before putting it down. He had gotten me Irish cider. I loved cider and it was so popular here. I wondered if we would catch onto this stuff back home as I was always drinking beer in student bars and knew now there was a better alternative.
But what if I never went to a student bar again in America? Something told me that I wouldn't be too disappointed.
The silence grew between us until David broke it by asking me, "So, you've been avoiding me then?"
I looked up at him and immediately felt childish - not in a good, fun way either.
"I have, I guess." I answered honestly, unsure what else to say in that moment.
"Yes, you have." He told me.
"Well, you have not exactly been seeking me out either!" I told him.
He gave a little nod and said, "Fair."
Then the silence stretched between us again. I was annoyed because he was judging me for avoiding him, yet he hadn't done anything to extend the olive branch. I wasn't going to fix this all on my own. Hell, I had agreed to stay in his country and he hadn't been the least bit happy or excited about that. As far as I was concerned, I didn't have anything to answer for.
My stubbornness wasn't helping the situation though, and I knew it.
David took a deep breath and told me, "Well, you could have talked to me any time. I have been just as available as I always am."
"As have I. You could have talked to me at any time." I told him.
We were at a stalemate. We both just sipped our drinks and looked at one another across the table, not saying a word to one another. Eventually, he broke the silence in a way that I couldn't quite resist, even as I did want to be stubborn.
"How has the transfer been coming?" He asked, "I heard some of the faculty talking about it the other day, everyone is very excited to have a new American student. You're a popular girl."
There were already students from all over the world on campus, but most came here in their first year and studied throughout their whole degree, unlike myself who was coming here later as an exchange student and then deciding to stay on. I guessed since everyone had a chance to get to know and like me they felt differently about me. It made me smile to think about how everyone wanted me here.
At my college back home, I felt like just a number. Here though, I felt like an individual. Of course I stood out with my accent, but there was more than that. People here were just warmer. The Irish, with their charms.
I opened up then and told David about how I had filled out so much paper work but how it seemed to be coming together nicely. I told him about how happy I was to be studying here, but how I had to talk to my family back home and I wasn't really looking forward to that.
David knew why I wasn't looking forward to talking to my family as I had agonised about my studies and family expectations to him before, but still, I told him I really feared upsetting them and being disinherited.
"Will you really need the money if you become a best-seller anyway?" David asked, "You could be an okay lawyer, but you could be an amazing writer!"
His words stopped me in my tracks. I stopped complaining about my family and fell silent. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps he was wrong, but really, it was up to me to make these decisions I knew.
No-one could predict the future and my focusing on it so hard meant that I was always feeling exhausted and anxious.
"How do you know that?" I asked, "How do you know I will be a best-seller, if I did write something, it could flop - or not even be published - after all."
David was shaking his head at me before he finally said, "I know in the way one always knows. You have the gift, you need to use it."
"Do I?" I asked.
"Yes, you do!" David told me as he reached over the table and grabbed my cupped hands. "Yes, you do have the gift - you can do this! So why not?"
I simply stared at him before asking, "But you won't be with me while I do it, will you?"
David looked confused, "What do you mean?" He asked.
"I mean that you don't want to be with me anymore, do you?" I asked, my voice sounding sadder than I had wanted it to.
David was shaking his head, "I never said that."
Before he had a chance to say anymore I threw all my anger and resentment at him, "You never acknowledged me and what we have, ever, anywhere. Did you? Then when I said I wanted to stay, you were indifferent."
"I don't - what are you talking about? I said I was happy." He told me.
"You didn't really show it though, did you?" I asked rhetorically, feeling angry now as well as feeling upset.
David's face was dumbfounded as he told me, "But you never let me show you I was happy, you just ran away."
"I did not run!" I told him, frustrated.
"Then what do you call it? You left in the middle of a conversation and then didn't talk to me all week." He told me, "That seems like running to me."
I was shocked. Shocked and frustrated, "How was I running? I have been here all this time for you to pick up a phone but you never did!"
"No, I didn't." He confirmed. "Neither did you. Maybe we should just move on from that and start planning for the future then?"
He gave me the answer right on a silver platter, but I almost didn't want to take it out of stubbornness. My tone didn't change, or become lighter as I told him, "I guess we can move on from it."
"Good." David began, "So, you're staying. That's good news. For how long?"
"They say with my studies in America counting towards a degree here, it will be one more academic year and I'll be finished a degree." I told him.
"What degree will you be studying?" He asked.
"Creative writing." I answered without missing a beat. We both knew he took a number of creative writing classes, and he would definitely be my professor next year.