“I can feel your power building, child.”
I tightened my hold on Mathilda’s hands and continued my thoughts, imagined myself screaming from the very bottom of my soul, screaming out against the shield, screaming out against the wall that was holding back my abilities. I could feel fury rising within me, cresting and riding the tide of my magic, building and growing until power emanated through me. Electricity sprang from my fingertips, bouncing off Mathilda’s own powerful aura.
“Now, Jolie, destroy the block now.”
I felt my power almost go on autopilot as it surged up within me. I imagined the flow roaring through me, busting through the shield and dissolving it into a million pieces, only to consume it in a whirlwind of power.
I opened my eyes and found myself panting.
“You did it,” Mathilda beamed up at me, her smile wide. “I do not feel the shield any longer.”
“Then my ability to reanimate our soldiers has returned?” I asked, winded.
“I believe so,” Mathilda said with a grin. She then dropped my hands as she started for the house again. I easily caught up with her and walked alongside, wondering if she was right.
“I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,” I said.
“It has.”
I was quiet for a few seconds as I considered the fact that my magic lesson for the day had just been derailed. “Is Mercedes going to be upset with you that we didn’t have a lesson?”
Mathilda glanced up at me in surprise. “Oh, but we did.”
“We did?” I repeated.
She nodded. “I just taught you how to reverse shields.”
“Ha, two birds with one stone.”
She just smiled knowingly.
Once we entered the house, I felt myself subconsciously searching for Rand. The need to see him was almost suffocating. From past experience, I expected to find him in his library, so I decided to check there first.
I hurried up the stairs, a flurry of butterflies in my stomach as I wondered exactly what I’d say to Rand once I found him.
The library was at the far end of the hall, and I jogged the rest of the way. In my urgency I didn’t even knock on the door, just threw it open, and immediately I noticed Rand sitting in one of his armchairs. He was staring into the fireplace even though there wasn’t a fire. Regardless, he looked tired, as if he bore the weight of the world on his shoulders.
At my brusque intrusion, he glanced up at me and swallowed, but said nothing. I closed the door behind me, steeling my courage and begging my heartbeat to slow as I turned to face him again.
“We need to talk,” I said in a strained voice.
“Very well,” was all he said. I approached him and thought about sitting in the chair just beside him; then I thought better of it, since I had too much nervous energy to sit. Instead I stood behind the leather armchair and held on to its stiff back, my stomach now in my throat.
“I’m tired of you ignoring me,” I began.
“I haven’t been ignoring you,” he interrupted.
“What would you call it? Avoiding me? That works too.”
He shook his head. “I’ve needed time to think, Jolie, to digest everything you told me.”
“Well, I hope you’ve had plenty of time to think about our … bonding.”
He stood up and sighed as he walked over to the mantel and leaned against it. He ran his hands through his hair and let his attention drop to the floor before looking at me again.
“I have thought about it a great deal, yes.” He paused. “It seems to be the only subject occupying my mind lately.”
“Then why haven’t you at least paid me the courtesy of speaking to me?” I asked, wanting to cut to the chase.
“Because I’m angry,” he said curtly and his eyes burned with it.
Just then something inside me burst. A dam that I’d been erecting to hold back my emotions gave way and tides of pain and anger roared into me.
“Why are you angry?” I demanded, crossing my arms against my chest.
“Exactly how long were you going to wait before telling me that you were my bond mate?”
I gulped, suddenly feeling very guilty. “Rand, we aren’t bonded now, so at first I figured there was no point in telling you.”
“No point to telling me?” he repeated incredulously. “That should have been the first thing out of your bloody mouth!”
“I didn’t want to upset you,” I said in a soft voice.
“Why would you think I’d be upset?”
“I was just worried that maybe you wouldn’t take it well. I knew how much you suffered when you thought your bond mate was dead. I just didn’t think it was a good idea to bring that up again, not when I wanted to focus on our future, on what we could be together.”
“I would have come to terms with the information eventually, but now I have to deal with the fact that you kept this to yourself. It doesn’t bode well for your role as Queen.”
“What does my being Queen have to do with this?”
“Because everything you think and do, every action you take is a test, Jolie. A test of your character. How can you hope to be a strong and powerful monarch when you couldn’t even admit this to me?”
I gulped. “I figured no harm, no foul.” As soon as the words were out, I regretted them.
Rand shook his head and laughed acidly, like I just didn’t get it. “No harm, no foul? Are you kidding?”
“No, I’m not kidding,” I said archly. “Rand, I didn’t want to tell you because I was protecting you. I was thinking of what was best for you.”
“Did you honestly think I couldn’t handle the truth? That I wasn’t strong enough?”
“No, of course not. I just … just thought you would be happier not knowing. I mean, why would I want to hurt you?”
“I’ve lived through a lot, Jolie, and I’ve dealt with ugly situations and uncomfortable truths many times. I can handle anything as long as I know where I stand, as long as there is transparency.” He paused for a second and then shook his head. “I thought you and I were far beyond this, that we respected each other enough to say anything.”
“I do respect you, Rand. I just … I just didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You should have left that decision to me,” he said and his lips were tight. “If we don’t have honesty between us, what do we have?”
“I’m sorry,” I admitted and sounded defeated. “I honestly thought I was making the best decision.”
“As Queen, you will be put in much tougher situations and you’ll be forced to have much more difficult conversations.”
“And I will handle them when the time comes,” I spat out.
He shook his head and paced forward a few steps, his hands fisted at his sides. “For over one hundred years I’ve had to wake up every morning feeling as if there is something lacking in my life, as if there is a part of me that is empty. Sometimes I lie awake at night trying to remember, forcing myself to conjure up at least one memory of my lover, but of course I never succeed.” He paused for a moment or two and then faced me again. “Don’t you think I would have welcomed the idea that this woman was you all along, and she wasn’t dead? Don’t you think it would have been an incredible consolation to me to know that I was given a second chance?”
Some of the anger within me abated as I considered the situation from his perspective. And the remaining anger turned to guilt as I realized this was my fault.
“Again, I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “I don’t know what else I can say.”
“You’re not a little girl. Sorry can’t erase the fact that you should have respected me enough to tell me.” He turned away and I could see the strain in his shoulders.
“Rand, of course I respect you.” I approached him and placed my hand on his shoulder. “I respect you more than anyone I know.”
He turned to face me again and lifted my hand from his shoulder, only to release it coldly. “You have a funny way of showing it.
”
“Please, Rand.”
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to excuse myself and get back to my … work.”
It was like he’d slapped me. Mortified, I suddenly felt all of two feet tall and quickly shrinking, reduced to mere inches by the man I loved with all my heart. He wanted nothing more to do with me. It was as obvious as the frown on his face.
“Rand, this can’t be it,” I said in a small voice.
“There’s nothing more to say, Jolie.”
“You aren’t the least bit happy to know it was me all along?” I demanded.
He glanced at me again with hardened eyes. “I’ve been so preoccupied by the fact that you had no intention of ever telling me, I admit, I have found little cause to celebrate.”
That was enough for me. I showed myself out, slamming the door behind me. I took the steps two at a time, wanting only to escape, to get as far away from Rand as I could. Things were suddenly crystal clear for me.
My life was no longer my own—I’d been put into position of Queen even though I’d never fully accepted it. The man I loved didn’t support me and probably never would. It was time to take matters into my own hands. It was time to stop taking orders and start giving them. It was time to live my life the way I wanted to and that was exactly what I intended to do.
I lurched backward as Gwynn plunged her blade into my gut. It was strange but I couldn’t feel any pain—nothing but numbness. Wrapping my hands around the hilt of Gwynn’s dagger, which was protruding from my stomach, I stared up at her in shock. The smile she wore was so cold, so calculating, it sent shivers down my spine. In a split second she burst into ash before me, leaving only Sinjin standing there, panting as he stared at me with eyes that were haunted and pained.
Suddenly I was sinking. I could feel my circulation slowing along with my heartbeat. I didn’t have the strength to remain upright, and I hit the ground hard. Then all I was aware of was the feeling of arms enveloping me with the promise of protection. I gazed up into the face of an angel … Rand. He knelt over me, cradling my head in his arms. He was crying.
I tried to say something, to tell him I wasn’t afraid and that I loved him, but I could only gurgle as I choked on my own blood. And my eyelids were so incredibly heavy, I couldn’t keep my eyes open even though Rand begged me to. It was pretty obvious that I was losing the battle. I let my eyes close and relished the darkness, the feeling that I was suspended in a sea of black … I was gliding—submerged in what felt like Jell-O, only hot. In fact, the Jell-O stuff was so scorching, it felt like the sting of a thousand pins pricking my skin. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, but the scenery made no sense to my muddled brain.
I was drifting through a river of what appeared to be lava, bright orange, red, and yellow. The acrid scent of sulfur permeated my nose every time the river bubbled up, looking like it was burping. I started to panic, wanting only to free myself from the scalding liquid. I fought against the current, trying to extricate my arms, but it was like trying to free myself from tar. I had a sudden sympathy for the dinosaurs. And like good old tyrannosaurs, brontosauruses, and stegs, I was about to become extinct in a river of molten heat. I had to wonder why I wasn’t already dead …
Then I felt a drop fall on my head and looked up into what seemed to be the ceiling of a cave, calcified with stalactites. Dripping off the stalactites was some sort of black, gelatinous goo. Another drop of the revolting stuff landed on my head and began dribbling down my forehead into my eyes. I blinked against the intrusion, and the inky goo left my eyes to travel down my cheeks, feeling like a snail’s trail.
The sounds of shuffling came from above me, and I made the mistake of glancing up again. Plastered on the cave’s ceiling were what looked like rows and rows of bat-like creatures. Every now and then they shifted to stretch out their rubbery wings as they stared down at me with glowing red eyes. How I’d missed them before, I had no idea.
I didn’t realize I’d screamed until it was too late. Immediately the air was thick with a flurry of winged creatures, dropping from their perches and flying headlong into one another or the cave walls. Some of them fell into the river and got swallowed up with a reeking burp. One of them fell alongside me and, in an attempt to free itself from the lava’s grip, reached out its scaly claws and climbed onto my shoulder, pulling itself out of the ooze like some primordial being. I tried to shake it off but it latched on to my shoulder with rows of tiny, sharp teeth. I could feel their serration as they sunk into my flesh …
My eyes flew wide open and I sat bolt upright, still shaking my shoulder to rid myself of the hideous creature. It took me a second or two to realize I was at home in the master bedroom of Kinloch Kirk. I slowly inhaled while reassuring myself that bats with glowing red eyes were not about to consume me.
No, it had merely been a nightmare and nothing in this room had wings or glowing red eyes. Furthermore, nothing in this room was going to eat me …
I glanced down at Plum, who was lying just beside me. She stretched and lifted her head, as if wondering what the hell had gotten into me.
“Sorry, Plummy.” I groaned and shook my head as I thought about the fact that my subconscious must have been seriously stressed out to plague me with a dream like that.
A sudden breeze fluttered into the room and wrapped itself around me before dancing with the drapes on my French doors. A man’s shadow suddenly came into view on the balcony and I gasped.
“Who … who’s there?” I demanded, holding my hands together and concentrating on manifesting a ball of energy between them—something I could unload on the intruder.
He stepped into a ray of moonlight and I immediately recognized Sinjin. I dropped my hands and the blue light of energy I’d been creating fizzled with a pop as the sensation of warm relief suffused me.
“God, Sinjin,” I started, releasing a deep sigh.
He stood there, silhouetted against the breaking waves of the ocean beyond my balcony, lit only by the moonlight. Pressing his hands on either side of the doorway, he regarded me with an amused smile. “I apologize for frightening you, my Queen.”
“Never mind,” I said in an irritated voice. “What the hell are you doing out there?” With his customary black attire, I found it difficult to see him. “You need to wear something other than black. You look like a floating head.”
Sinjin shrugged with a chuckle. “As I said, I apologize for intruding but I am merely doing the job for which I was hired.”
“What?” I demanded, albeit none too graciously.
“I am protecting you, as befits my role of sentry.”
I pushed the duvet away and watched Plum jump down from the bed with an irritated meow as she showed herself out of the bedroom. I grabbed my robe from the chair beside me and covered myself. I’d been wearing my usual sleepwear—boy shorts and a short-sleeved tee with nothing on underneath it. I wasn’t naked but I also wasn’t exactly dressed for company. And it was cold in my room and everyone knows what the cold does to a woman’s breasts. Judging by the look on Sinjin’s face, he knew it too.
“Would you prefer I leave?” he asked, prying his attention from my bust back to my face.
I looked up at him and immediately shook my head. After that horrible nightmare, I wanted nothing more than some company, even his. “No, please stay.”
He smiled warmly at my invitation and faced me with a question in his eyes. “Very well. May I come in?”
As a vampire, he didn’t have to ask permission to enter my abode; he was just being polite.
I nodded and watched him enter my room, his strides purposeful as he walked up to the end of my four-poster bed. He wrapped his hand around one of the posts and I couldn’t help but gulp. Even though he looked like he always did, tonight there seemed to be something different about him. I couldn’t put my finger on it but he just appeared to be the embodiment of sex. Not that he wasn’t always the embodiment of sex, but somehow it was amplified tonight.
“Wer
e you in the midst of a night terror?” he asked in a soft, caring voice.
“Yeah, you could say that,” I answered as I approached the fireplace and, conjuring a fire, stood before it, warming myself. I could feel Sinjin’s presence behind me, and when I felt his hands on my shoulders I didn’t try to elude his grasp. It was as if I needed his strength, his reassurance. Probably realizing I wouldn’t fight him, he began to rub my shoulders, massaging them.
“You are upset, my Queen.”
“Please don’t call me that,” I said quickly, suddenly realizing the appellation of “Queen” was something I didn’t really care for. I liked it better when he called me “poppet” or even “love.” Even though I had to admit (at least to myself) I didn’t like it when he called other women “love.” “Call me poppet please.”
He chuckled, no doubt reminded of the time when he and I first met and I’d told him not to call me poppet, that I hated the name. Funny how things change …
“Very well, poppet.” He paused and seemed to focus his attention on my shoulders. His grip was strong, to the point of almost being painful—but not quite. “Tell me what is bothering you.”
“How do you know I’m bothered?”
“You wear your tension.”
I sighed again, wondering where the hell I should start. There was a long-ass list of things that were bothering me and most of them had something to do with the most stubborn, frustrating warlock I’d ever met. Of course, I wasn’t about to confide my Rand dilemmas to Sinjin. I’d learned once before that Sinjin couldn’t keep a secret—and I’d learned it the hard way. Granted, the one time I shared my Rand problems with Sinjin I hadn’t actually been in a normal frame of mind. In fact, I’d been out of my mind, drugged on Sinjin’s blood. I’d opened my big mouth and told Sinjin about the first time Rand and I had nearly bonded and how Rand had suddenly stopped before sealing the deal and had, instead, taken a cold shower. Of course, that situation turned ugly when Sinjin, intending to hurt Rand, announced he would never fail me in bed. So, yeah, long story short—I’d learned my lesson and wasn’t about to repeat the mistake.
Witchful Thinking (Jolie Wilkins #3) Page 17