by Omar Tyree
“Shit,” he cursed. “Is it an accident or what?”
He had twenty-five minutes to make it to this first meeting on time, so he got off the highway at the next exit and used his navigation system to find another route, only to run into more traffic and stoplights on the streets.
“Shit,” he cursed himself again. “This is just my damn luck.”
By the time he arrived at the building in downtown Fort Lauderdale and made it up to the third floor office, it was 10:18.
Shareef strolled inside the door and said, “Traffic jam. I-Ninety-five.” There was nothing he could do about it, so he decided to keep his cool and roll with the punches.
Jennifer Crawford sat on a black leather sofa with her legs crossed, wearing sheer stockings, a tan tweed business suit, peach blouse, light brown leather shoes, and a matching brown leather handbag. Her golden brown hair was pulled into a perfect bun, and her lipstick and light makeup were perfect. She never needed much makeup anyway. Her skin was naturally tan and radiant. Shareef used to call her “The Golden Girl” in their better days. But that seemed like another lifetime now.
Obviously, Jennifer wanted to be taken seriously that morning as well. Shareef was still impressed by her. He took a seat on the opposite black leather sofa to his right and sat with his legs wide open for comfort. Then he stared into the face of a black woman in wire-framed glasses and a dark blue suit, who sat behind a desk in front of him. She looked in her forties.
Oh, shit, a black woman, he told himself. For whatever reason, Shareef was expecting to see a white man that morning.
“Hello, Mr. Crawford, my name is Dr. Jacqueline Nelling, and your wife, Jennifer, and I have just been sitting here chatting, about nothing in particular, just getting to know each other while we awaited your arrival.”
The fact that her first name was the same as his mistress didn’t rattle Shareef at all. He planned to stay cool and in control of his emotions.
“Okay, how are you doing? My wife hasn’t beaten me down too badly already, has she?” he joked.
“No, she actually spoke very highly of you,” Dr. Nelling told him. “She tells me that you’re one of the leading authors in contemporary African-American fiction.”
Shareef looked at his wife, and she smiled at him. She still did have a smile.
He nodded and said, “Okay. That’s good.”
Jennifer told him, “I always speak highly of you. I can’t say that he does the same for me though,” she informed Dr. Nelling. Jennifer continued to smile, a good, natural, confident smile. She was determined not to be a sour victim, or at least to appear not to be.
Shareef said, “Actually, she’s a very intelligent, caring, supportive, and loyal woman. And as you can see, she’s also good-looking, sexy, and professional.”
Dr. Nelling looked at both of the Crawfords dishing out compliments and responded, “Wow. So, what’s the problem?”
The room went quiet for a spell.
Shareef asked, “Is that how we start, just…start talking about the problems?”
It seemed a little too informal to him.
Dr. Nelling asked him, “Why not? You two seem quite open with how you feel about each other, or did you just make those comments up for me.”
Shareef looked at his wife and said, “Nah, that’s how I feel about her.”
“That’s not what you tell your little flunkies,” Jennifer expressed through her smile.
All of a sudden, Shareef didn’t like that smile anymore. It was mocking.
Dr. Nelling looked at Shareef and asked him, “What do you tell other people about your wife?”
Shareef came clean with the woman. That’s what they were there to do.
He said, “I tell them that she don’t give me none. Or I used to. Now I don’t even talk about it. But it’s the truth. She won’t let me touch her. But I don’t call her no bad woman or nothing.”
“Yeah, and then his little whores would call my job and our house at all times of night, telling me, ‘You’re gonna lose your husband if you don’t watch your back. You don’t deserve him. I’m a much better woman. I know how to hold my man down.’ And all kinds of other bullshit like that, but he’s gonna say that he’s not saying negative things about me.”
Jennifer was no longer smiling. She was venting, and venting good.
Shareef responded, “I mean, I can’t say what these women are gonna say or do. I told her that already. That’s straight-up woman stuff, cat fighting. I don’t even know who they are.”
“That’s bullshit,” Jennifer said with her mocking smile again. “He thinks he knows these women so well, but obviously he doesn’t know them at all. And he obviously doesn’t know what they’re capable of. And this is why you don’t cheat,” she said into her husband’s face. “Because it all comes back home, Shareef.
“And if he wants to know why I don’t let him touch me, all he has to do is ask himself, ‘Where have all of these tramps and whores been?’” she stated. “Where do you find them? You think a woman can’t be a nasty whore just because she reads one of your books?”
Shareef had to contain himself before he blew his cool not five minutes into their session. His wife was laying into his ass quick.
Instead of getting excited, hot, and bothered by it, Shareef smiled.
He said, “She would have you believe that I just ran out here and started collecting women for no reason. That’s not how it went down.”
Jennifer stopped him and said, “Collecting women? I guess they’re his little trophies now.” She looked at Dr. Nelling when she said it.
Shareef kept his cool, but he was no longer smiling.
He said, “If I may finish. I’ll tell you how it went down. We had two kids after marriage, and then all of a sudden, I had to beg for everything. She just cut off the damn well.”
Jennifer cut him off again. “He doesn’t understand that your body changes after children. I had to breast-feed. I was sore a lot of times. I had longer periods. Longer cramps. And then I had to go back to work. And sure, after getting the kids ready, feeding and clothing them, working all day, cooking when I get home. Yeah, excuse me for being a little tired. Is that a crime?
“Obviously, it is to him,” she continued. “So then he starts running out here to sleep with whore number one, two, three, I don’t know how many others and I don’t appreciate it.”
After another barrage of that, Shareef figured he was in a no-win situation. But at least they had already set up estate paperwork and property assets with their lawyer to determine who gets what in case of an untimely death or a divorce.
He looked Dr. Nelling in her eyes through her wire-framed glasses and said, “The only reason we’re still married, Doc, is because we both love our kids, and we don’t want to see them dragged through the mud in a divorce. Other than that, and the fact that my grandparents and her parents all want us to remain together as a big happy family, the truth is, we’ve both been miserable for several years now, mainly because of one issue. Sex.”
Jennifer said, “That is not the only issue. He disrespects me. He’s always second-guessing my decisions with the children or with finances. He doesn’t listen. I have to tell him things three and four times, and then he still doesn’t do it. And I don’t ask for a lot, but he doesn’t seem to be able to do any of the small things that I ask of him on a daily basis.”
Dr. Nelling looked at Shareef again. They were airing everything without her even asking.
Shareef responded, “All of that, and she still has a house, a car, insurance, security, vacations, perks. She was able to quit her job and maintain her lifestyle two years ago. She had time to take online business courses. And she never has to worry about anything. I mean anything. But I’m the bad guy because of small things. Small things,” he emphasized.
“Well, there’s a whole lot of women out here who would much rather have your big things than these motherfucking small things you keep talking about,” he snapped. “I mean,
I don’t understand that shit,” he addressed to Dr. Nelling. “Every couple has small problems that they need to work out, right? But not having sex is a big fucking problem. I didn’t sign up for that shit.”
Jennifer looked at Dr. Nelling and asked her, “You see how he talks to me? Does that sound like a man who respects his wife?”
“Well, if his wife would fuck him like she used to, then maybe he wouldn’t be so fuckin’ stressed out to talk like this,” Shareef finally blasted. “I mean, she knew what kind of man she was dealing with. I always go after what I want. She knows that. I haven’t changed. And if I can’t get what I want, I get frustrated.”
“Yeah, exactly, just like a child,” Jennifer concluded. “He acts just like his son, a nine-year-old.”
Shareef looked at her and said, “Well, let’s talk about the things that you get. You name anything that you haven’t been able to get since you’ve been with me. I mean, what the fuck are we talking? We’re talking about a spoiled-ass grown woman who won’t fuck her husband for whatever reason, small things, I guess, while I’m breaking my ass to give her and the kids everything they want, and I can’t ask for what I want. Does that sound fair to you? Does that fuckin’ sound fair?” he asked Dr. Nelling.
He said, “And excuse my language, but we’re all adults in here.”
“Adults don’t have to use that language. That’s language that disrespectful teenagers like to use,” Jennifer stated.
“Okay, so now I’ve graduated from being a nine-year-old to a teenager. I guess I’m getting older by the minute,” Shareef joked. “So, how do I become a man? Do every little thing my wife wants me to do, including the small things, while putting my dick up in the closet, because I can’t have any more sex after having kids. I may as well give my dick to one of your charity events. Is that it?
“Here’s my husband’s dick, we can give that away because we don’t use it anymore,” he joked distastefully. “I’ve already had my kids, and I’m too tired and uninterested in sex now to use this old thing anymore. Thank God!
“Is that how you want to live now?” Shareef asked his embarrassed wife. “And you’re asking me why I’m fucking other women? Because I haven’t retired yet. That’s why! And if you don’t want to use this thing over here no more, then that’s you’re problem. But as long as I continue to wake up with a hard dick, I’m gon’ use it for more than chocking it off in the bathroom.”
Jennifer was so embarrassed by his words that she sunk her head into her hands.
Dr. Nelling asked him, “Do you think your words make your wife feel sexy? You think they make her feel loved and desirable?”
Shareef looked the woman in her face and said, “To be honest with you, all that old Valentine’s Day shit is tired. If you love a person, you love a person. And you show that person through your actions, not all that candy, and flowers, and presents and shit. That’s cheap love. Real love is about taking care of family and home and all of their needs. And she has not been doing that for me. Period.”
Suddenly, the strong reserve of Jennifer’s shell began to crack. Her voice broke when she responded, “That’s not true. I am always looking out for you. I always have you in my heart. And I am always thinking about ways to try and help you.”
Fresh tears rolled out of her eyes and down her face as she wiped them away with her hands.
Shareef saw his wife’s tears and shook his head. He had witnessed them all before. Jennifer wasn’t as tough as she tried to be. But she was certainly his hardheaded match when it came to giving in. Neither one of them seemed capable of full compromises.
So he said, “Okay, now here she goes with the crying game. And she does all this crying, and then at the end of the night, when I’m crying about not getting any, it don’t mean shit to her. Does she break me off with a little something? No. She goes the fuck to bed, and I end up in the fucking bathroom like a asshole.”
He said, “Now, I tried to live with that shit, Doc, for three years, where I told myself, ‘Look, man, you can’t have everything in life. And maybe sex is one of the things you’ll have to give up.’ And even when I tried not to think about sex, I ended up having wet dreams and shit, in my thirties when I have a wife right there in the house with me, who won’t fuck me because she’s worried about other women.
“Where are these other women at when I’m right there in the house with her, Doc?” he asked rhetorically. “We were sleeping in separate rooms every night. You know why, because I couldn’t sleep with her without having a rock hard penis at night that she wouldn’t touch. In fact, she would get up and leave the room.”
Jennifer cried, “Our relationship is more than just sex. That’s all he ever thinks about.”
Shareef was able to reclaim his cool.
He said, “Let me ask you a question, Doc.”
“That’s Dr. Nelling,” the counselor finally corrected him.
“Okay, I’m sorry. Dr. Nelling.”
She nodded to him to continue.
Shareef asked, “If a human is hungry, and you refuse to feed that human, what do you think is going to be on that human’s mind? Going to the circus?”
He said, “I told her that. The more I don’t have sex, the more I’m going to think about it. She creates her own monster by denying me.”
Jennifer pointed at him and said, “You are not gonna blame me for your cheating?”
“No, I’ll just blame the kids, your job, and your regular household chores for it,” Shareef countered. “That’s what you blame, right? Like I don’t have shit to do. Like I never help out with the kids. Like I never cleaned the house.”
“I didn’t say that,” she snapped at him.
“Well, you sure made it seem like I’m just sitting around doing nothing while you’re doing everything,” he told her. “And I didn’t even talk about how much TV you watch while you’re so tired, and how many hours you’re on the phone. You could be using that time for me. Maybe I’d be listening more if you’re weren’t watching TV or talking on your cell phone until two o’clock in the morning.”
“What about when you’re talking to your little whores?” Jennifer questioned him.
“Am I talking to them during your time?” he answered. “I don’t think so. And furthermore, if I’m talking to anyone, and you walk into the room butt naked, I’m off the phone real fast.”
“Well, I can’t walk around the house butt naked with children, like your little freaks do.”
“You used to,” Shareef told her. “And what about when the kids are in bed? What are you doing? Still watching TV, right?”
Dr. Nelling was just about to wrap things up and redirect them when Shareef looked at her and said, “She don’t love me like that. She don’t love me enough to do what she needs to do. She got too much pride. She thinks somebody’s trying to get over on her.”
Jennifer countered, “And you don’t love me enough not to cheat. You love your dick and your whores more than you love your wife. And that’s just sad.”
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t have no wife if she wasn’t a girlfriend first who was willing to fuck me. Because I didn’t take no virgin to the altar, nor did I plan to end up with one.”
“Okay, I believe I’ve heard enough at this point,” Dr. Nelling told them both. “We have a double compromise, and a double trust issue here that we need to address, among other things.
“Shareef, Jennifer does not trust you not to cheat. Jennifer, Shareef does not trust you to show him physical love.”
Shareef said, “That’s right. Physical love, like we started off with.”
Dr. Nelling said, “But I doubt, I seriously doubt, that you spoke to her in the same tone and disrespectful manner that you speak to her with now.”
Jennifer said, “Of course, he didn’t. But now he does it all the time. He’s even done it in front of my friends and family members.”
Dr. Nelling said, “But the compromises that both of you have to make, if you want to hold this marriage
together, and it is repairable, are many. First, you must both reestablish your goals for a marriage. What does a marriage mean to you? How should you treat each other in a marriage? How much time do you allot to each other? How much time should you have apart? What is your sexual midpoint?”
Shareef stopped her and asked, “Sexual midpoint? She doesn’t want to have sex at all. Ask her.”
“That’s not true.”
“Well, you never approach me about it. What, you got a man on the side?”
That did it for Jennifer. She stood and said, “I’m not gonna take this. I’m not,” and shook her head defiantly. She added, “If you were still at home, you would know that I had no one else.”
“If you still had a sex drive I would still be at home,” Shareef told her. “But if you’re gonna tell me that kids make a woman stop wanting to have sex, then no wonder we have so many…” and he stopped himself with a deep breath. He realized that he had gone far enough, and that he had blown his cool a long time ago.
Dr. Nelling asked him, “So you’re no longer at home?”
Shareef took another breath and answered, “I’m home on and off.”
Dr. Nelling nodded and made note of the information. But there was only so much she could do in one session. She gave them both a Marriage Goal Questionnaire to fill out and to think about before she would meet with them again.
“So, we’ll sit down again in two weeks, and with the information I’ve heard and the questionnaires that I’ll need you both to prepare, we’ll be able to move you both along to a better understanding of what needs to happen to recommit as a couple.”
She said, “But I want to warn you, the assessment is the easy part. Given enough information, we can usually find the ailment and prescribe a treatment. The hard part, in my nearly twenty years of marriage counseling, is the actual process of each person carrying out what needs to happen, the actual work of pulling a relationship back together, and being consistent with that work. Because it is work, and it’s work that you both have to do.”
Harlem Research