by Mia Ford
What the hell is that all about? I wondered, reading the text from Collin, again and again, trying to decipher exactly what his problem was. All the while, I was trying not to break into tears as my eyes continued to scan the worst part of the whole text, ‘like a real couple’
While I was sure Collin didn’t mean it and was only saying that to prove whatever point he was trying to make but that knowledge didn’t make it hurt any less.
However, it didn’t take me long to shake out of my personal issues and refocus on what was presently important. I was swamped with work, which was why I couldn’t go home, just as I had told Collin, at least twice, and I knew that I didn’t have any time for this drama. So, instead of wasting more time contemplating what he could mean by his text, I put my phone in the drawer of my desk and returned my focus to my work.
Unlike most women, I could separate work and personal much better than even most men. When I tried to completely disengage from my personal life, I did it easily.
My work-self didn’t give a crap about what was going on at home. I knew I needed to finish this project by midnight. If I didn’t, I was sure I would be handing my work-rival a major advantage and I was certain that I wasn’t about to let that happen.
When it came to the corporate world, I had learned early, before even getting out of college, that it was easiest to play the game, rather than try to fight a system that had immensely stable footing. When it suited me, I could play that damn game like a fiddle, but deep down, I was determined to break the glass ceiling any time I could.
I had gotten a few deafening blows into it over the years, but it was because I was willing to put forth the effort. The primary reason I was so successful was because I wasn’t willing to give up and I was always ready to go the extra mile. Even if it took me twice as long, and I needed to put forth three times the amount of effort that it would take someone else to complete a task, I would still get it done. I would still preserver. I never wanted to be the woman that was ‘stuck’ in a man’s world. I had grown up in that backwards, misogynistic way of thinking and my parents tried their best to drag me back into it every time they got the chance.
If I didn’t allow them to do this to me, there was no way I was going to allow some rival to thrust me back into the workplace dark ages. I had worked too damn hard for that.
So, without even looking at my phone again, I worked until the project was completed. Once I was finally finished, it was a little after midnight and when I finally was able to walk through my own door, it was a little after one.
I sighed as I looked at the clock and realized I had to be back at the office in less than five hours.
I looked around the empty house as I passed through it, happy to go to bed. I figured Collin had been asleep for a while now but was slightly confused when I found wine and a bouquet of flowerers sitting on the counter. The flowers were drying out and I could have only guessed that this was left out because he was angry.
So, before I went to bed, I put the bottle of wine away and put the flower in a vase.
After I had cleaned up my husband’s passive-aggressive temper tantrum, I went into our bedroom to check on him.
“Hey, Sweetie…Are you awake?” I asked, sitting on the bed next to him. Even though he didn’t respond, I felt him move next to me in the bed. “I know you’re up…Do you want to talk? I’m sorry it’s so late. I didn’t mean to be out so long. I just had that project I had to get done, but I’m here now.”
“There’s no point,” Collin answered bluntly, now shifting angrily. “I have work early in the morning and there’s no way I can stay up to have this conversation.”
The gruffness of his voice and the amount of hurt I sensed in him now made me feel guilty, but only because I hadn’t been able to be here when he apparently needed me.
“I’m sorry, Collin,” I replied, then waited for him in silence to at least offer me some relief from the feeling of shame that was starting to consume me. After all, Collin was the only one who could make me feel and instantaneous guilt. I guess it was because, despite my devotion to my work, the only opinion I truly cared about was his. “Collin,” I asked, when I didn’t receive any kind of answer for several long, grueling moments. “Is everything alright?”
“You tell me,” he answered heatedly, and my heart sank.
“What do you mean?” I asked, now being overcome with confusion.
He didn’t respond.
“Come on, Collin, I think I deserve some kind of answer…” I replied, but instead, he simply refused to elaborate any further.
So, eventually, I simply got up and hastily readied myself for bed.
“Goodnight,” I called softly as I snuggled in next to him, “I love you.”
When I received no response, I told myself that he must be asleep, so that I could keep myself from completely breaking down.
I had no idea what was going on with him, but I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I wasn’t good with letting things fester.
However, if Collin wasn’t going to talk to me now, I had to take roughly the same approach I had taken during work and consciously focus on letting my personal problems go.
After all, I needed to sleep too. I had work just as early as Collin did, so staying up and replaying everything repeatedly in my mind, for no other reason than to cause myself more guilt and anxiety wasn’t going to fix anything. It would only make things worse.
Therefore, I successfully convinced myself to put the events of the day out of my mind until a more convenient time.
Once I was able to do that, I was asleep in a little under ten minutes.
Chapter 18: Collin
The whole night, I couldn’t sleep for shit. Despite my best efforts and the conscious realization that I had to go to work sooner, rather than later, only heightened my anxiety and caused my mind to race faster.
I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable and unable to turn my brain off.
Even after Flora got into bed and told me that she loved me, I couldn’t find it in me to answer her, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t want her to think she was off the hook. If I had answered her, I knew she would take that as a concession. I was still too angry and hurt to give her anything like that.
While I didn’t know what was going on and hoped that I was wrong about everything, there were a million possibilities running through my mind.
I knew that Flora wasn’t happy, but the reasons that would make her unhappy, at least in my mind seemed infinite. I needed to know the truth. Not knowing what happened, why she was acting like this and why she was so unhappy was killing me. However, as much as I wanted to figure out what I was up against so that I could start to fix it, I wasn’t exactly sure, when the time came for the truth, that I would be able to get to the bottom of it.
As much as not knowing was eating me up inside, I was afraid that the truth might destroy me. After all, Flora was my whole world. I had never felt for anyone the way I felt for her. I knew I couldn’t lose her. I would do whatever I could to keep her, but if for some reason, our relationship was beyond saving, I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
Still, I was certain I couldn’t go on like this. It hadn’t even been all that long, and I was already going completely crazy. I didn’t even want to look at Flora, though, strangely, it wasn’t because of her. It was because of how fearful I was of what I might say, or even worse, what truths might slip out if I started any conversation.
I was aware that we needed to talk. Obviously, something had to be done about the awkwardness that had apparently come to a head and was now the elephant in the room, goring a wedge between us.
Although, I wanted to be prepared for the conversation. I didn’t want to be surprised or ambushed by it and I certainly didn’t want to make Flora feel like I was ambushing her.
When I was sure Flora fell asleep, I turned over and stared at her. The perfect curvature of her body was flawless. Even in the darkness, I could see t
he outline of her and I wanted her. For as angry as I was and as hurt as I felt, I still wanted her. I always wanted her, and I was certain, unfortunately for me, the more I thought about it, the more I knew that I would always love her, no matter what, which was slightly disheartening to me, because if she ever wanted out of the relationship, I would likely never recover.
I had heard her putting the wine away and getting the water for the flowers and I wondered what she thought about it. She hadn’t mentioned it, but I also wasn’t the friendliest person, so I tried to tell myself that if I was more open and social with her, she would’ve mentioned it. I certainly shouldn’t be looking for grievances at a time like this.
However, the anger and pain I felt from her acting this way toward me, and being unwilling to take one day, just one day to air our grievances, was distressing.
Maybe you just picked the wrong day… I thought to myself, but even though I could justify that, since I had plenty of those days myself, I was still unwilling to believe that was the case.
Of course, if that was the reason, I wouldn’t be so angry. I would be disappointed, but I could understand that it was out of Flora’s control.
While I wanted to believe this was the case, I didn’t and that bothered me more than anything. I had always trusted Flora far more than I had ever trusted anyone else. I was aware that this could lead to my downfall, but I was alright with that. After all, I had always believed that if anyone, I should be able to completely trust my wife. There was no doubt in my mind that she should be the one person in the world that I could be one-hundred percent open and honest with.
Until now, that trust had never been so much as shaken, which was why, I felt the way that I was reacting was slightly unfair.
While Flora was unhappy, and I certainly couldn’t deny that, I was unable to figure out why in my mind, that automatically equated to her doing something wrong. There was a good possibility that her issues were her own and had nothing to do with anything more than simple marital growing pains.
Yet, again, if that was the case, I would be okay. I wouldn’t have to worry so much. However, I was always one of those people who prepared for the worst. I never wanted to be blindsided, because I always wanted to have at least some degree of control over my reaction.
It wasn’t that I feared I would be violent or anything drastic, but I didn’t ever want to do something that I would later regret. Therefore, anticipating the worst-case scenario was something that I tended to do well. It helped me guard and prepare myself, so that when the time came, I would be able to effectively react in a manner that didn’t jeopardize myself. If I was going to be cool and collected no matter what happened, I needed to have some preparation.
This was a way of protecting myself, but it was a strange and disheartening realization that I had to protect myself against the worst-case scenario regarding my own wife.
The next morning, I got up long before my alarm was set to go off. I was awake, because I hadn’t gotten much sleep and I was so tired of trying to get what I obviously wasn’t going to allow myself to receive. So, instead of torturing myself any longer, I got out of bed and started my day. By the time I started my normal exercise routine, Flora hadn’t even had a chance to wake up.
That was my goal. I didn’t want to have to see her this morning, because I was so devoid of sleep and rational thought that I was certain any conversation would end horrifically. I couldn’t deal with that right now and in all fairness, I was certain that Flora couldn’t either.
So, once I was finished with my exercise routine, I got right into my car and drove to the office.
I knew there were showers in one of the bathrooms and so, I figured I would take that option to start my day, instead of facing Flora.
I wasn’t thrilled about the prospect, because it was, after all, basically a public bathroom, but it wasn’t the worst option in the world. I had used it before, when I had spent too long at the office and decided to sleep there, so that I could get some sleep before starting my day all over again, but I was never completely comfortable with it.
I liked my stuff. I liked my shower, my apartment, my bed, and my wife. I loved my life and I didn’t want it to change.
Perhaps that, more than anything was why I as avoiding Flora. I knew that when we did finally have that conversation, which was apparently long overdue, my life would change forever. I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want anything to disrupt my image of Flora. To me, she was perfect in every way. Not only that, but I thought she was perfect for me. I didn’t want a reason for those thoughts to change and I certainly didn’t want one of us to leave the other.
Therefore, as childish as I knew it was, I figured until I could get some decent sleep and mentally prepare myself for whatever it was that lay ahead, I would wish the problem away. It wasn’t a great strategy, but at the moment, it was the only strategy I had.
As I was getting out of the shower at the office, my phone started to ring. Instantly, my stomach dropped, knowing that the only person it could be was Flora. No one else was up at this hour and interested in calling me.
I picked up the phone and saw that I was right. For a short moment, I contemplated what I wanted to do. However, in the end, I decided to ignore the call. I tried to leave it at that, but then I started to worry that she would think something happened to me. In fact, a sadistic part of me hoped that she still cared enough to worry about me. So, in response to her call, I caved and opened a new text message.
‘Good Morning, Flora. I’m okay. I’m at the office. I don’t want to talk to you right now. Maybe we can talk later tonight?’
I read the text over a few times but ended up sending it without being sure if that was what I wanted to say. The text seemed to be as perplexed as I was.
While I didn’t want to start a text argument either, I hoped that she would at least text me back, but as I continued to get ready for work, checking my phone every few minutes, to my dismay, she never replied.
Chapter 19: Flora
“What the hell is this?” I demanded, glowering at the phone in my shaking hands. I narrowed my eyes and clenched my teeth, trying to subdue the intense urge I had to chuck the phone at the wall. “What the hell kind of game are you playing, Collin?” I demanded, trying to think of a way to type that back in a message in a way that might resonate in his thick skull.
I was barely holding myself together. I knew that I needed to put my work face on and face the day, but for once, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to. There was something extremely weird going on with Collin and I wasn’t sure what the deal was. Just because I was a little weird yesterday morning and didn’t want to fuck him, one night, shouldn’t have brought on World War III in our marriage.
‘Collin, do you want a divorce?’ I typed out but didn’t dare send it. Part of me was terrified of the one-word answer I might receive and the other part of me knew that even I wasn’t the kind of person to seriously demand something that serious over text message.
Plus, reading the word, even after I had typed it scared the hell out of me. I erased it immediately, hoping to God that I was extremely off base.
I didn’t want to lose Collin, but I wasn’t going to fall all over him either. I had asked him to talk when I got home last night, and he refused. I had told him I loved him, and he hadn’t even tried to respond.
Did he love me? I thought, wishing these thoughts would go away. I didn’t want to have this looming over my head. I just wanted to fix whatever this was, but considering I was the one who started it and I didn’t know how to fix it, I wasn’t sure what to do.
I would do anything for Collin and if our relationship was in more trouble than I realized, I wanted to fix it right away. I would do anything I could for him, but now, he was simply flat-out ignoring me and I hated it.
I couldn’t fathom why he wouldn’t just try to work with me. I wanted to at least find out where we were at, because not knowing was worse than any possible outcome I could think of
.
‘Look, I’m sorry I was late coming home last night, but that is no reason for you to act like a child…I want to fix this, whatever this is. I love you.’ I typed out, feeling better about this text than the first one I had written, but I erased this one as well. I didn’t think either of us were at fault and I certainly wasn’t going to swoon all over him, because letting him do exactly what he wanted was what made me unhappy in the first place.
I thought about telling him that I would do my best to come home as early as possible, but I knew that wasn’t entirely true. I couldn’t promise anything. I didn’t want to promise anything to him like that because I figured if for whatever reason I didn’t go straight home, or had to work late, he would use this text against me in an argument and I refused to give him that kind of easy ammunition.
So, again, without sending anything back, I put my phone down and got ready for my day. Having not slept so great the night before, I was exhausted, but I knew the mental anguish of my current, personal situation was far worse than the actual lack of sleep I received.
I went to work and thankfully, once I was out of a personal space, I was able to flip my working switch and get what I needed to do done and over with.
Being able to be so malleable when it came to the ability to morph from personal Flora to professional Flora was an accomplishment that was many years in the making. Now that I had it almost down to a science, I was able to rely on it, exclusively when I needed this personality trait the most.
I was more thankful than ever to be able to do this, though, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to work at all if I couldn’t turn off my personal problems.
I was done with work at a reasonable time that evening, thanks to my no-bullshit attitude.
Yet, every time I thought about having to go back to the apartment and face Collin, the knot in my stomach tightened. What was worse, however, was the idea that I would get home and Collin wouldn’t be there at all.
I wasn’t sure he was even coming home tonight, since I hadn’t answered his text and therefore, I decided that instead of racing home to be either disappointed or possibly irreconcilably broken hearted, I would make a quick pit stop.