by Mia Ford
“That was amazing,” I gasp as I pull my trousers back up. “Honestly, fucking incredible.”
I move in towards her, to make my move on her because although in my head this is all about me, I want to give her pleasure too, but she pushes me away and shakes her head.
“I don’t think we have time for that,” she says breathily with a shining happy look in her eyes like that was enough for her. “Someone could come in at any moment. Maybe next time, yeah?”
“Oh right.” I already know there isn’t going to be a next time. “Yeah, sure.”
The girl practically shoves me out from behind the bar to where my drink is still sitting on the side. I slug in back in one go, thinking of only Pru the entire time. That’s the sort of thing that can happen in bars, admittedly it doesn’t always, but it’s possible, and one day she’ll be mixed up in it all. After being so retrained for such a long time, maybe she’ll be the girl giving blow jobs to random men just for something to do. It can work that way, the girls locked away from the world turn into the biggest freaks, which is an utterly horrifying thought. I can’t stand it.
“I have to go,” I tell the bartender regretfully. “Sorry to leave you alone but I have to…”
“No, no, I understand.” I think she’s glad actually because it’s a little strained between us now. “I’ll see you soon, maybe?” She shrugs, seemingly unbothered. “Or whatever.”
I leave the bar and walk slowly back to my home. I could go out some more, maybe even have some more fun with someone else but I’m not longer in the mood. It won’t work anyway, I’m never getting this girl out of my mind. She’s the only one who’s ever captured my attention and that scares me. What if there isn’t another one, what if Pru is the only one for me and she’s the girl I can’t ever have? That would just be damn typical. I end up alone, with nothing and no one. Lonely.
Once inside my apartment I let out a yell of frustration. I feel like I’m stuck in a terrible mess, that I’m drowning and there’s no way to save myself. I keep kicking my legs, screaming and yelling, but there’s no life raft, no life boat, no way to get air into my lungs. I’m desperately trying to suck it back, but I can’t, and that’s all because of Pru. She’s holding my head underwater.
I stare at my cell phone, wishing I could have someone to speak to about this, but there’s no one. My parents moved to England six years ago and the time difference is so weird that I hardly ever get the chance to speak to them, I don’t have hardly any of a relationship with my brother for no other reason except for the fact that we haven’t ever been close like that. He’s ten years older than me, so we never had anything in common. I used to have a lot of friends to make up for that, but not now.
What the fuck happened? I don’t know when I lost everyone really. I guess moving away to the city when I finished college was the first step to distancing myself from the people I used to be close to. I still talk to them, but about more superficial stuff now. I couldn’t go to anyone with this. Then I got so involved with my work that I never bothered to make new friends. I’ve good acquaintances with the others at the center but I don’t ever socialize with them outside of the office. I’m too busy boozing and hooking up, ‘blowing off steam’ all by myself.
I don’t have a best friend, someone I can confide in about my feelings, and that’s sad. Maybe I’m the one who needs therapy now! I’ve come full circle and I need someone to talk to me about my problems. I don’t know how it’s come to this, but it’s something I need to rectify. If I had a friend, they could talk to me out of this, they could confirm how crazy I am, then I might be able to put this behind me for good.
Right now, it’s just me and my thoughts, and that’s a dangerous place to be!
Chapter Twelve – Prudence
I can feel Logan, creeping through my veins, consuming me entirely. He’s everything, everywhere, my drug that I can’t get enough hits of. I know that I’m obsessed, he’s all that I can think about, but I simply cannot stop. What I felt for him before was simply a deep connection, a special friendship that I couldn’t live without. Now, I have to assume that it’s love. I care about him more than anything or anyone else, and that only gets stronger with each passing second.
I know it’s unwise, but I keep thinking that when I’m legally an adult, when I’m out of this place for good and I’m living alone, then maybe we can finally be together. I have his contact information, he’s keen for me to keep in touch… it has to be so. I’ll invite him out for a drink with me one night in a bar and then see what happens. Or maybe I’ll ask him to dinner, or even breakfast. Once I’m all settled and I’m in a good place, he’ll have to start taking me seriously.
The thing is, I’m very sure that he loves me too, I can see it in his eyes. He knows it, but right now he can’t act on it because I’m at the center, but that won’t be the case for very much longer.
“You’ve had a productive weekend,” he says thinly as his eyes run over the ideas I have had. “You’ve set out a basic budget based on the wages you’ll get from that job, and you’ve emailed about the apartment too. I’m very proud of you, this is all very good work. You must be proud.”
“Well, the apartment does want a deposit, so I’m trying to figure out how much because I might need to get a loan to get me started, but yes aside from that it all looks good. The shop was glad I called them because they really want me working there… so that’s pretty awesome…”
“I’ll always loan you the money,” Logan interrupts rapidly. “I mean, if you’re struggling to get hold of it. I know that you want to get out of here quickly, so anything that I can do to help with that I will. It shouldn’t be too much, it wasn’t the biggest apartment so I imagine it’ll be a couple hundred dollars or so. I don’t think it should be too much more than that.”
I can’t help but smile at his generous offer. This only confirms to me that he wants me too. He wants to get me out of the center as quickly as I do because we cannot kick things off between each other until I’m gone. If he didn’t want me to leave, he would simply tell me to stay while I worked enough hours to save up the deposit money. That’s the sensible thing to do, and others have been forced to… no, Logan wants me out of here for a reason, and I know exactly what it is.
“Thank you so much, that is so kind of you, Logan.” It still feels strange to call him that inside this office, but I’m going to keep doing it to remind him that I’m an adult. “I really appreciate it.”
We share a moment of intense eye contact, and I’m overcome with a feeling of safety. There isn’t anyone who will ever make me feel like he does, I wouldn’t ever be able to trust anyone with my life like I do Logan. I’m pretty sure that makes him the one for me. He’s my love and I cannot wait until we get the chance to explore that properly in every single way. I’m craving him desperately. My body is crying out for him, as is my heart.
“Well you’ve done so much good stuff here, I don’t want money to be the factor that holds you back. Then we can set up a fair payment plan so you can return the money to me as you can afford it, without any of the crazy interest that you would get anywhere else.”
Ooh, a payment plan, that means I’ll have to see him weekly to give him cash. That sounds amazing. Anything to keep us connected is perfect by me. I’ll have to ensure it lasts forever.
“Yep, sounds great. Thank you.” I stand up, ready to leave only because my appointment time is up and it’s about to be someone else’s turn. I don’t want to go, I want to spend every minute of every day with Logan, but I can do it because I’m sure soon enough I’ll have him all to myself, all the time. “So, I suppose I’ll see you next week then? Unless you want to see me before Monday?”
He pauses, I can see him racking his brain for any reason why it would be appropriate for him to see me but nothing comes to mind quick enough. That doesn’t matter, it’s a shame but the fact that he thought about it is enough for me. He wants to see me, even if he can’t.
“No
pe, I think Monday will be fine. If you want to see me before then that’s okay. Just send me an email and let me know. I’ll see if I can fit you in.”
***
I lie on my bed, staring at the tablet screen with trembling fingers. I’ve managed to nab some time on it because Logan told the other staff members that I need it to get my life in order. Thankfully, no one has questioned me on exactly what I’m doing which is perfect because I’ve spent the last half an hour trying to craft the perfect email to Logan. He did tell me to message him if I want him, and I do. I’m just trying to figure out what for.
I know I’ll be able to message him as much as I want the moment I get out of here, but I’m impatient. I want to start now. I want to get the ball rolling because I’m so excited.
“What you doing?” Leah hisses from her bed. “Turn that tablet off, it’s late. We aren’t supposed to use it this late. Don’t you know the rules by now, Perfect Prudence?”
I roll my eyes at her prissy tone. Leah spends half her life breaking the rules, so this isn’t anything to do with that. This is her being annoyed because I have special privileges at the moment. Still, I don’t want to wind her up at the moment, I can’t be doing with any added drama.
“Sorry,” I mutter, while throwing the duvet up over my head to cover up the light.
That actually makes my time alone with the tablet feel a little more private, which helps me to craft my very innocent email, that feels like it’s the naughtiest thing in the whole entire world.
‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru. I’m not emailing you for an extra appointment or anything, I just want to say thank you for all your help. You’ve been very kind to me and I appreciate it very much.’
It isn’t anything that I haven’t said to his face, so maybe it’s a bit pointless but I have to start the communication somehow and I don’t want to dive right in with anything that might be considered risky. That’s just a simple, normal message that expresses nothing but thanks.
Seconds later, the tablet flashes up with a reply which makes my heart pound. It can only be Logan emailing me back which is thrilling and horrifying all at once. I don’t know if I expected him to message me back really, and certainly not this quickly. I wonder if he’s lying in bed, feeling as excited and nervy as I do. I wonder if now he’s clutching his screen, waiting eagerly for my reply.
‘Hi Pru, thank you very much for your email, that was a very nice surprise. You know that you are always welcome, you are a very special lady who deserves to have someone looking out for her. I am in all week, so if you change your mind and you do wish to see me, please do.’
I could leave it there if I wanted to, but I don’t. My entire body buzzes with excitement as I rapidly hit the reply button. I was tired before, but now I’m wide awake than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I feel like I’ve been eating sugar all day long and now I’m high as a kite. I could stay up all night long shooting messages back and forth with Logan, I just know it.
This time, because of the late hour and the privacy of my own duvet prison, on top of the crazy high that I’m currently riding, I decide to go just a tad more risqué, just to see what I can get from it.
‘I’m glad that when I leave I’ll be living in the city so I won’t be too far from you,’
As soon as I hit the send button, a sick feeling of shame and regret floods me. That’s something I definitely shouldn’t have done, I can see that now. Every single time I refresh the page and I don’t have anything back, it makes my head spin and spiral down into a deep dark place. It’s like being on a roller coaster, the massive high has given way to a giant dip and I don’t like it one bit. Until…
‘Yes, me too. I’ll be glad that I can still keep an eye on you… if you need me to.’
Oh, thank God, he’s messaged me back! And with a bit of a possessive, protective message too which feels nice. I like the idea of him hiding in every corner, watching me, protecting me from a distance, ready to leap out and hold me at any given moment. It makes me feel loved and excited.
‘I will always need you to.’
At that moment, the battery light flashes up which means I really need to turn the tablet off and charge the battery if I don’t want to go through hell tomorrow. I make sure that I log out of everything possible so there isn’t any way of anyone reading my emails by mistake (or on purpose, if it’s Leah), then I step quietly out of the bed to find the wall plug. Logan knows what the routines in this place are like anyway, he’ll know that I’m not ignoring him.
I also hope that my simple message is an effective one and he gets how I feel!
Once I get back into bed and I snuggle down with my eyes closed, my brain concocts a wonderful dream about me and Logan. Only this time, it isn’t all sweetness and light, romance and flowers. It’s steamier, sweatier, and a whole lot sexier. I even think about what his naked body might look like, and in my mind, it’s a wonderful sight to behold! As I imagine him slowly stripping me down and making sweet, passionate love to me, I feel more grown up than ever before.
I’m starting to see myself as an adult, just as everyone else is too.
Dream Logan makes me feel beautiful and sexy, which is something I wouldn’t be able to achieve without him. He looks at me in a way that suggests he genuinely does see me as pretty. The funny thing is he knows all the ugly sides to me, he’s seen me at my worst, and he still feels something for me. If that isn’t true love then I don’t know what is. How could anyone want anything more than a man who thinks they are beautiful even when they aren’t? I know that I don’t. My life will be perfect if I can have him in it, it’ll be the full picture of happiness that I’ve been searching my whole life for.
Chapter Thirteen – Logan
Why can’t I stop responding to Pru every time she does something that I know for sure is wrong? Every cheeky smile, every subtle but sexy stare, every email… I keep telling myself to take a step back from her but I can’t. It must be obvious to everyone else in the center, they must be able to feel the very obvious chemistry between us, but no one has commented as of yet. No one’s remarked on the fact that I keep turning up for breakfast when I rarely did before, no one says anything about Pru and me having more and more meetings together, and it seems that no one’s picked up on the online communication yet, which is good because that’s the riskiest thing of them all. The emails leave a paper trail, written evidence and although we don’t say anything inappropriate, I’m sure some of it is crossing a line. I hope it never gets found out and we manage to escape it.
Actually, after this afternoon, I’ll finally be able to relax and breathe properly again because the issue will be resolved. Pru’s birthday is today so we’re having a mini celebration for her. Usually, we don’t do much about birthdays because they can be extremely traumatic for some of the kids we get brought in, but since this is a goodbye party as well, we’re going all out.
Later tonight, Pru will move in to her new apartment, hopefully to never return, and all will go back to normal. I can stop being a freak, coming in to the center all the time, and I can work on rebuilding the areas of my life that I’ve come to see need some help. Things that I’ve neglected.
I harbor no illusion that Pru will continue to keep in touch with me once she starts crafting her own life, I will become some distant crush that she had a long time ago, so I need to keep myself distracted while I get over her. I may have to see her now and again to get my deposit money back, but I’m not that bothered to be honest. If she drifts away from me I’m more than happy to let her have it to get her started. For now, I think I need to focus on me for a while, to get my own very messy life in order once more. I need to turn acquaintances into friends and reconnect with people from my past that I’ve let go. If something good can come out of this, it’s that.
“Okay, so I think that’s everything,” Hank, one of the kitchen staff, comments. “We’ve been told not to make too big a deal out of things because otherwise everyone will start crying and it mi
ght trigger some of the kids, so we’ve got a cake, some sandwiches, and some odd snack bits.”
“Yep. I’m sure that’ll be fine,” I reply stiffly, not sure how to behave really. “And what time is this going on until? Is the car coming to pick the girl up right afterwards?”
“Why? You got big plans tonight?” Hank smirks knowingly at me. “You got a hot date?”
I almost snap back at him that it’s none of his business but I stop myself at the last moment. I’m trying to actually be genuinely friendly with some of these people. I just need to give Hank a chance, he might turn out to be one of the people that I really can’t live without… maybe.
“Yeah, something like that,” I lie, because I can’t tell him that I’ll be drowning my sorrows. “Just want to know what time I can get out of here for the day, you know how it is.”
“The car is coming for her at six so you can definitely go then.”
Six o’ clock and it’ll all be over. There’s a part of my heart that tears into shreds but another part that’s simply relieved. The last few weeks have been the most torturous of my entire life. I’ve never lusted after someone that I can’t have so hard before and it’s the worst feeling in the world.
“Great, I’ll be hitting a bar at quarter past then,” I attempt to joke, but I don’t think the mirth comes off too well. “Or maybe not, since it’s a Thursday night and I have work tomorrow.”
Work here, without Pru Evans in the building. How weird is that going to be? She’s been a constant presence for five years, even when I haven’t felt like this. Urgh, I’m so conflicted and confused at the moment, I’m driving myself insane. I need a damn good shake!
Hank gives me a funny look, proving that any chances of friendship with him might be well out the window, before he leaves me alone in the communal room while I wait for this little party thing to start. I finished my appointments a while back in preparation and now I’m keen to get this done. Especially the first bit when I see Pru. I haven’t seen her yet today. I’m nervous about it.