by Mia Ford
I grab onto the glass and I suck the water back like there’s no tomorrow. I glug it down hard and fast, loving the ice cool sensation as it fills me up, healing me in some small way.
If this is what it feels like after drinking, then I don’t understand it at all.
As I swing my legs over the bed, small sparks of memories fill my brain. Alice, Becky, and me drinking, laughing, dancing the night away. It was fun at the time, I had a real blast, but this is clearly the punishment that I get for that. I don’t think it’s worth it after all. How the hell did my dad do this all the time? How did he cope with this crippling pain after drinking?
As I walk, a new feeling floods me, almost knocking me from my feet. I’m absolutely consumed by the need to be sick, to get all this booze out of my system, so I run to the bathroom at the speed of light and I crouch to the floor, gripping onto to toilet bowl and the burning hot vomit spills past my lips. It hurts, it aches, it wrecks my stomach, but in a way, it’s a relief too.
“Never again.” I mutter to myself with a small sharp shake of my head. “Never, ever again.”
Once I’m sure that I’m done being sick, I stumble into the kitchen where there’s a note and a whole selection of drinks. From fizzy pop to orange juice. Logan is a pretty tidy man, he normally keeps everything locked away in the cupboards, so this has to be for me.
‘To Pru,’ the note reads. ‘You must be feeling like hell today, hangovers are the most unpleasant side of drinking! Here are some drinks to get you through the morning, whatever you fancy, and make yourself something nice and heavy to eat, like toast.’ The thought of food makes me gag, but I keep on reading regardless. ‘I’m at work now because I have some stuff to sort out…’ As I read that line, I get a flicker of something in my brain, but the thread is too thin for me to grasp onto. It’s gone before I can know exactly what it is. I have a feeling that it’s something to do with the center, but that might just be my addled brain all mushing up. ‘Also, I think last night has taught us that you really need a cell phone. There’s one of my old ones for you in the box in front of you. It isn’t the latest model, but it’ll do until you can get your own. It’s better than nothing…’
I reach across to the box and I slide it open. Inside the cell phone there makes me heart skip a beat. It’s way better than anything I would have got for myself, this is the most amazing thing ever! I cannot believe how lucky I am to have him. I don’t deserve someone so amazing.
Tears ball up in the corner of my eyes, but they’re happy tears. I really feel like this is my life picking up and improving in the most incredible way. I finally have it all and I’m only eighteen years old, I only just got out of the center and already I’m doing amazingly. I can’t believe it.
‘Here is Alice’s number, or it’s the number she called me from last night anyway. You should message her and let her know that you’re okay. Luckily for you, you have the day off work today so you should veg out and sleep it off. Make yourself get better. I will see you soon, yours Logan.’
The tears fall, I’m unbelievably touched. Logan has done more for me than anyone else I’ve ever known. I understand that he has to work but I wish he was here right now with me. I wish I could hold him close and finally just tell him that I love him. I’ve kept it inside for too long. Maybe tonight I’ll finally let those words free. I’ll say to Logan I love you.
Before I can sob like a freak, I call Alice. I could just text her but there’s a deep need inside of me to call her, to hear her voice, to check that I didn’t embarrass myself last night.
“Hello?” she answers curtly. “Alice speaking, who is this?”
“It’s Prudence,” I reply raspily. “Just letting you know that I’m alive today. I don’t feel like I’m part of the living, but I’ve survived it. My God, do hangovers always feel this bad?”
“Prudence! Thank goodness. I’ve been worried about you.” She sounds genuinely happy to hear from me which manages to make me smile. “I’m just on my break at work now and I was just about to call that guy who came to pick you up to check on you. Did he take you home okay last night?”
I don’t know if I should worry about Logan when it comes to Alice. I know that we’re supposed to be keeping us a secret, but that’s only from people at the center, surely? Alice is fine.
“Yeah, I got home okay, I think I pretty much just passed out to sleep as soon as I got in. Urgh I’m so glad that I don’t have to work today. Every time I move I want to vomit again…”
“He’s nice, isn’t he?” Alice interrupts, ignoring my last remark. “Logan, I mean.”
“Yeah, he’s great. I’m lucky to know him. I don’t know how I would have got home otherwise.”
“How do you know him?” I can hear her crunching an apple while she talks. It’s distracting and hurts my head even more. I really do need to lie down! “Is he your boyfriend?”
“He’s…” Shit, how the hell do I explain this? And did I say too much last night? Maybe I told her the truth and now she wants to know if I’ll say the same in the sober light of morning. “He’s a friend… I like him, but I don’t know if he’s… you know, my boyfriend, or whatever.”
“I would warn you to be careful around him because he’s so much older than you, but I don’t think I have to. I think that you have a spell over him and he treats you amazingly.”
Alice’s lovely comments warm me up. I like the idea that I might have a hold over Logan. He certainly has one over me, so it’s much better to learn that might be a two way thing.
“Right, Mr. Turner is giving me the stink eye so I better go back to work. I’ll speak to you later on, okay? You rest up today and take care of yourself. It gets easier, trust me. Much love!”
As soon as Alice hangs up the phone I punch her number into the contacts list and stare at it. I never thought that I would be here, the girl with a cell phone and a friend’s number in it. I quickly connect the phone to the Internet and I grab Logan’s number off there too so I have two numbers on my list. I rub my thumb over the name on my screen, loving even looking at his name.
‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru,’ I type out, needing some communication with him wherever I can get it. ‘Thank you so much for all the lovely things that you’ve done for me today. I appreciate it. X’
I pause for a few moments, half expecting a reply but I don’t get one. I suppose that makes sense since he’s working. It’ll be hard for him to message me completely undetected. So instead I gather up the drinks and I head back to the only place that I want to be today, and that’s in bed. I definitely need to sleep this off. There’s no way I can feel better until I get some more rest.
I stagger over to the bed and collapse into it with my eyes closed once more. I shouldn’t be tired again, I’ve had a damn good night of sleep, but I am. Maybe it wasn’t a proper sleep, maybe I pretty much just passed out, I’m not too sure, but weariness is overcoming me again.
At least I have pleasant dreams of Logan to get me through the day. I always have them, and now I have some real life fact to base the fantasies on as well. When I first started dreaming about him, it was childish lust, an obsession, but now it’s definitely real adult love. I adore having that delicious sensation in my heart, and I cannot wait to share it with him.
***
Hours pass, I don’t know how many. Mostly I sleep, but sometimes I get up for something to eat or to have a little walk around. The time does help to heal me, but I still feel like crap for most of the day, even when I step into the shower. I do know that drinking is something that I never want to do again. It might be fun at the time, but this is not worth it. I can have a good time without it.
Eventually, I move myself over to the couch and I flick the TV on to watch some mindless movie. There’s a detective drama on, but one that doesn’t take too much imagination to work out who committed the crime, so it’s perfect for me to just lose myself in for a while.
As I half watch the show, I keep checking my cell phone, expe
cting some communication from either Alice or Logan, but I get nothing. The fact that Logan hasn’t even snuck off for a second to reply worries me actually, it makes me wonder what on Earth is going on with him today. In the letter that he left me he said something about needing to sort some stuff out today at work, and I can’t help wondering what. I just have this weird sensation that it’s something to do with last night and that I’m to blame. I have guilt for something that’s really nothing more than a black hole in my mind, one that I can’t recover no matter how hard I try. I’ll feel better when he’s here and I can just know that all is okay. With that safe feeling that Logan always gives me, I know I will only feel good with him here. It always does.
He’ll be here soon, I tell myself with determination. Here to make it all better. I just need to make it until he arrives, that’s all. I can do that.
I can do that…
Chapter Twenty Five – Logan
I don’t bother to wait to be called into the office, the anticipation is far too much. Whatever’s going to happen to me, I need to just know. There’s no way that I can act normally until then. I have to get it over and done with. I also want to get in there to argue my case, just in case it helps.
“Well, hello there, Mr. Banker,” my boss, Alexandra, comments coldly as she sees me. “I’m glad that you’re here. It saves me calling you in for a meeting which we need to have.” She indicates towards the chair on the other side of her desk. “Please, take a seat. We have a lot to discuss.”
Ice cold bolts of fear dart towards my stomach, freezing up my veins as they do. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so freaked out in my whole damn life, this is horrifying. My behavior, my actions, have brought me here. It’s time to face the consequence and I hate it. It scares me.
“Right, Mr. Banker, I think we both know that you have a lot of explaining to do, don’t you?”
The glare that she gives me bores right into my soul. I feel like she sees me for who I really am and she doesn’t like who I’ve become one bit. I shuffle uncomfortably on my chair, wishing I hadn’t come after all. Maybe it would have been better if I didn’t come here at all today.
“I can explain, honestly,” I insist in the strongest voice that I can manage. “Please, you have to just hear me out. I can see how this doesn’t look good, but it isn’t what you think…”
“So, you weren’t caught kissing Prudence Evans? One of the children that we had here at the center? You haven’t acted in a way that absolutely violates everything?”
Shit, fucking Hank. Why couldn’t he just talk to me about this? Probably because I ran away.
“What happened with me and Pru doesn’t violate anything, she isn’t here anymore…”
“And you think that matters?” Alexandra bangs her hands angrily against the desk. “You think it matters whether she’s here or not? She was brought here as a child, on her thirteenth birthday, after experiencing trauma at the hands of her father. You were her therapist for years… does none of this sound wrong to you? Does it seem okay that you’re kissing her days after she’s released from here?”
“Well when you say it like that, it doesn’t sound great, but nothing happened until she left…”
Alexandra sighs loudly and shakes her head. “That isn’t strictly true though, is it?”
“Nothing happened,” I insist. “Honestly, absolutely nothing happened. I wouldn’t do that…”
“When I got this troubling news, I instantly knew that I had to look much deeper into it and what I found was disturbing. Emails between the two of you, via the Internet provided here at the center.” Oh my God, I can’t believe it! I should have known this would happen. The Internet is all monitored, if not all the time it can be accessed, for the protection of the people here. “You were encouraging feelings from her the entire time. Even while she was here. Do you understand now?”
Admittedly I’m silenced by that, I don’t know what to say. She’s right, I’ve acted inappropriately the entire time. I knew that I was risking everything for Pru and I didn’t care. I guess I never thought that it would really catch up with me, but it has. All of it.
“I understand,” I reply quietly, preparing myself to reveal something that I haven’t yet full accepted myself. “I understand completely, but nothing aside from the emails happened while she was here. We were just friends, I just wanted to help her, that’s all…”
“So, you’re trying to tell me that you didn’t have any feelings at all?”
I don’t see the point in answering that, we both know the truth. “I love her,” I tell Alexandra with all the brutal honesty I can manage. “I wouldn’t have done anything if I didn’t love her. This is real, we love each other. This isn’t just something. It’s going to last. Forever.”
Alexandra looks at me and she shakes her head in dismay. “It doesn’t matter, Logan, this goes above and beyond that. You have to leave this job now. I cannot keep you here.”
“But it won’t happen again, I’m not a danger to anyone. You won’t have to worry.”
“Stop.” Alexandra holds up her hands to prevent me from speaking any more. “I can’t listen to this, Logan, I just can’t. The decision has already been made. I don’t know if there’s going to be more to this. There might even have to be legal action, if that’s what Pru wants. Don’t make this worse. Just go now in a dignified manner and make this easier on everyone.”
I give her one last lingering look before I push myself into a standing position. I suppose she’s right, this could turn into something much uglier if I let it. Much as I don’t want to I need to get out now while I still can. I need to get some space, to figure out what my next move needs to be. There has to be some way I can fight this, to make it right again. I need to get this all back somehow.
As I walk towards the exit of the building, I see Hank standing in the corner. Immediately he averts his eyes away from me. Guilt, and probably disgust too, makes it impossible for him to look at me. He could have been my friend too, he certainly wanted to be, and I fucked it up. If only I had gone out with him, then there would be a big chance that none of this would have happened.
But I suppose it would’ve come out eventually. Things like this don’t stay hidden forever. If me and Pru have to be together then it would come to this in the end. Now I just need to work out how exactly I’m going to piece all of this back together. It isn’t going to be easy, that’s for sure…
***
Hours and hours of driving haven’t helped me, not one bit. I don’t want to leave my car, not until I’ve calmed down quite a bit, but it’s getting dark now and I can’t avoid the inevitable forever. Sooner or later I’m going to have to communicate with Pru about this, and I suppose I might as well get it over and done with. Like ripping a band aid off… to reveal a large, disgusting gaping wound underneath. One that keeps spilling out blood and puss and there’s no way to stop it.
Urgh, just be a man, I warn myself as I turn the car off. Face it like I should have done before.
I walk towards my apartment slowly and purposefully, wishing idly for a natural disaster to come along to destroy the world so I don’t have to face this. But Of course nothing happens. The only world being destroyed today is my own. Figures, what else should I expect?
“Hello?” Pru calls out excitedly as soon as she hears me click the door open. “Logan, is that you? Thank goodness you’re home I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day…”
“Pru.” I stop her because I can’t stand to hear her so positive when everything is about to come crashing down around us. “Don’t… just don’t. We need to talk about things, it’s important.”
“What’s going on?” She freezes and her expression completely changes. “Are you okay?”
“I… I lost my job,” I tell her with a shrug. “They found out about us because Hank saw us together last night, kissing, and now I’m unemployed and they might even get the cops on us…”
“What?” she exclaims while
jumping up. “What the hell are you talking about? How can they fire you? And what’s this about the cops? They can’t blame us for falling in love. I mean, I love you. That isn’t a crime, is it? And nothing happened while I was at the center so why does it…”
I’m aware that she just declared her love for me for the first time but I can’t focus on that part right now. Nor can I concentrate on my own feelings. I need to be smart for the first time.
“We emailed each other, which isn’t allowed, while you were still at the center, and it is still wrong. We shouldn’t be doing this, we never should have done this. It’s always been wrong.”
I tug on the ends of my hair, wishing that I’d taken even more time before I decided to face this. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I don’t even know what my plan is. I just know that something has to change and fast. I cannot carry on as I am, and nor can Pru.
“What… what are you saying?” she asks me worriedly. She pushes herself up off the couch and moves across the room. The nearer that she gets to me, the more I can feel my emotions stirring and churning. I become even more confused than before. “What are you trying to tell me, Logan?”
I stare intently at her, wanting her to just get it already. But she doesn’t. In her naïve desperation to make this work she just bites down on her bottom lip and she waits for me to make the choice.
“Pru, you have to go,” I gush out sadly. “I can’t have you here anymore, this isn’t right.”
“You’re breaking up with me?” She demands answers that I cannot give. “Is this it? Are you done with me? This can’t really… we can’t… we can still… this doesn’t have to break us up?”