by Mia Ford
“I don’t know what you mean,” I shoot back firmly. “But I’m sorry. I will take your notes on board and I’ll be more alert while I’m here from now on.”
Hank nods awkwardly, blushing as he realizes that he might have overstepped the boundary with me then, and he walks off leaving me alone to stew in my thoughts. Yes, I like Lola, but I certainly don’t love her. Just because I’ve spent far more time with her than any other woman in my life, doesn’t mean anything. She’s just the only interesting thing in this town, that’s all. I won’t have Hank stir me up like that.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I glance at the screen to see Lola’s name there. My initial sensation is my heart skipping a beat, but then I realize that she’s distracting me at work again. I don’t want to speak to her when I’m here anymore, I do need to focus if I don’t want to let my father down, I need to separate her for my fun time, that’s all.
Oh damn it!
I hit answer, unable to completely ignore Lola. She has a pull inside my chest, a tugging sensation that draws me in, even when I know it’s bad for me.
“Hello?” I ask a little breathlessly. “Lola, everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, sure.” I cradle the phone to my ear as I soak in her lovely voice. I get so wrapped up in her words that I don’t notice her sad tone for a while. “Erm, it’s just my dad. He isn’t great today and I think I might need to take him to the hospital. I just wanted to let you know so you don’t turn up tonight and I’m not there. I don’t know how long I’m going to be…” She sounds guilty, which breaks my heart. None of this is her fault. I’m so glad I answered the phone now! I would feel guilty forever, if not.
“Oh no, that’s fine. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need driving or anything?”
“No, it’s okay. Dad’s in the car now and I’m just about to take him.” The concern falls off her tongue. “Just… letting you know.”
“Will you please keep me up to date? Anything I can do I want to be there.”
“Oh yeah of course, I will do, thank you.”
Once she hangs up the phone I start thinking about costs. I know there isn’t much that I can do for Lola and her father, but they might not have health insurance either. If so, that’ll cost them a fortune… I know she won’t want me to, but I can pay it for her. If I do it without her knowing then there’s nothing she can get upset about. Hopefully she won’t even realize, if she has a lot going on it might not even hit her.
I move away from the building site, which is now starting to look a lot more like the pictures than it did last week, and I make another call. Only this one to the local hospital. I speak to a receptionist there about forwarding Mr. Boots’ medical bills to me. Of course she won’t agree to it, since I’m not a family member, but she tells me if I can make my way down to the hospital within the next twenty four hours with a method of payment, she’ll sort it out with me. Relief floods me as she gives me something to work with.
I then ask her if there’s a specialist on board, which of course there isn’t because it’s such a small place, which gives me something else I can focus on. I can help find one, and pay for the specialist treatment to help her dad. I don’t like problems I can’t solve, that isn’t practical enough for me. When I have something I can do, I feel useful.
“Is everything alright, boss?” Again I’m faced with Hank, the man who just told me my mind isn’t on the prize enough, and I’m distracted again. “You look… stressed.”
“I… I’m sorry,” I reply with a sharp shake of the head. “I know I’m not supposed to be distracted anymore, but something has come up and it’s something that I need to deal with.”
“I didn’t mean any offense when I said that, boss. I honestly didn’t.” Hank looks taken aback and I can hardly blame him. “It’s just… well, if you’re in love then we all know what we’re up against. It’s not a bad thing, we just know that boring details about a building can’t compete to that of a pretty face.” He pats me on the arm. “We’ve all been there, boss.”
I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. I know I don’t love Lola, and that I can’t ever love her even if I want to, but I can use that as an excuse for now. “Yes, I suppose that is the case. I don’t know why I didn’t just say that before. Now she needs me. She has a family medical emergency to deal with. I think I need to be there. Can you handle everything here?”
“Oh, I can handle it, don’t you worry about that. You just go and make this girl fall in love with you too… if she isn’t already.”
I can’t dignify that with an answer, I just need to get the hell out of here. I give Hank a grateful smile and I race to my car. I probably could walk to the hospital, but I want to get there quickly. I need to speak to the receptionist I dealt with on the phone, I want to catch her while she’s still on the desk so I can get the bill dealt with in a quick and discrete manner.
Once I hop into the car and I race towards the hospital I realize that looking at all these auditions, there isn’t any way they can happen here. I might want her to get everything that she’s ever dreamed about, and I might be the one who can open the right doors for her, but she really is stuck here. Her father needs her.
The realization that there isn’t any other option for us hits me hard, making me consider my feelings deeply. Maybe I do like her in all the ways that I’m not supposed to which is very hopeless. I never wanted to be the sort of guy that fell in love ever, I certainly don’t want to be the guy who falls in love with someone who I can’t be with.
I might have to distance myself from Lola once all of this is done. Maybe, for both of our sakes I need to stop seeing her quite so much. We are acting too much like we’re a couple. It isn’t healthy for either of us…
***
“Thank you,” I say with relief to the woman as I get my credit card back. “Now you have all my information, you can take the payment once it’s all done.”
I feel good knowing that I’ve helped. I’ve also asked the receptionist not to say anything to Lola or her father. I want this to be an anonymous donation, nothing more. Especially if I don’t want to deepen things between me and Lola. I don’t want her to see what I’ve done as a sweet thing and for her to feel deeper for me. If she’s falling for me it’ll be impossible for me to not fall for her.
“Thank you, Sir. All is done. Very kind of you.”
“Kind, but secret,” I remind her. “Thank you.”
With a deep sigh of relief I take a step backwards and my shoulders sag. Now that I’ve done what needs to be done, I’m back to not knowing what to do with myself. This sensation is so strange, in the city I always know what to do. I’m never stuck, feeling hopeless and a little lonely. Everything about this town is really messing with my mind.
Now, I guess I could go back to the building site, I could see how Hank and the others are getting on, although I know they don’t really need me, or I could head back to the depressing motel room staring at the blank, four walls. Urgh, no, even the idea of that place makes me want to throw up. It’s just a shame that I’ll have to spend more time there now. I can’t stay at Lola’s anymore if we’re going to be a bit more separate. I better get used to it.
I spin on my heels and start moving towards the door, preparing myself for what’s to come. But before I make it to the door, a hang claps over my shoulder which make me jump. For some reason, the sensation that I’ve just been caught doing something naughty fills me right up. My heart pounds, my stomach churns, my lungs squeeze tight…
And then I see her.
“Lola?” I gasp, feeling even worse. She isn’t supposed to know that I’ve been here. “I… I…”
“What are you doing here?” she asks in a shocked voice. “Did you come to see me?”
“No,” I shoot back rapidly, before realizing that’s stupid. What other excuse could I have? “Yes. I don’t want to intervene, I just want to check that you’re okay.”
&n
bsp; She doesn’t look okay to me, she looks more stressed than I’ve ever seen her before. But I don’t point that out.
“So why are you walking towards the door then?”
I hang my head in shame. What a mess I’ve gotten myself into! “I guess I just thought you might not want to see me. I’m sorry.”
Chapter 11 – Lola
I pause for a moment as shock races through my system. Not only am I stunned that Brandon is here, but I’m also completely freaked out that he thinks I might not want him around. We’ve been growing closer, getting more connected to one another, learning and opening up. It’s starting to feel like maybe it could be more than it’s supposed to be.
“It’s okay that you’re here,” I tell him softly as I slip my fingers through his. The warmth of his skin feels wonderful against mine. “Did you want to come and meet my father?”
“It isn’t really a good time, is it?” he asks cautiously. Is it me or does he actually look scared? “I don’t think he’ll want to meet me while he’s in the hospital, will he?”
“He’s out at the moment. High on a lot of drugs and mostly asleep. So, I guess you won’t really be meeting him… but I could use some company if you don’t mind. Unless you have to get back to work, of course? I don’t want to get in the way of business…”
“I’ll come with you.” His face breaks out into a smile but I can still see the anxiety there. I feel bad for him, I didn’t mean for him to be frightened. “Anything to help, you know me.”
I lead him down the hallway, moving out of the way when a stressed looking doctor followed by two trainees push their way past us. This place is way too understaffed, it’s a travesty really, but I suppose people in a small town getting sick just don’t classify as important as the people in the city. Not that I’m bitter or anything…
“Right, this is the room,” I whisper once we’re outside. My heart thunders in my chest, I can feel it bashing painfully against my rib cage, but with Brandon’s hand in mine it doesn’t feel as bad as it was ten minutes ago. “Are you ready to go inside?”
He peers through the door to see the frail man my dad has become. I don’t see him that way myself because I remember the strong, powerful force of nature that he was once upon a time. Especially when Mom was alive, I think when she died he gave up fighting for everything so much and became susceptible to illness. I might be wrong, but that’s how it feels most of the time. Now, he’s lying in that bed, attached to an IV drip, on really high pain meds that have knocked him out. It’s utterly heart breaking for me.
“Oh bless him,” Brandon whispers, sounding incredibly concerned. “Is there anything we can do for him? Does he just need to sleep or something?”
“I think so.” I give him a one shouldered shrug. “I’m just waiting for the nurse to let me know. That’s where I was going actually. To find someone, but I bumped into you instead.”
“Right okay.” Brandon looks a little pale, like he can’t quite cope with what’s going on. It makes me feel terrible. “So we should just go inside and wait.”
I keep my fingers looped through his and I wave our hands back and forth while I look at him lovingly. “Look, Brandon, I really do appreciate you staying here with me, it’s such a kind offer but I can do this by myself. I don’t mind if you want to go back to your motel. I shouldn’t have asked you to come and meet my dad. Now that I’m hearing the words aloud, I can hear how crazy it sounds, so maybe we should pretend I never asked that question.”
He snatches his hands away from mine and puts them on my cheeks. Then he pulls me towards him for a kiss. As his lips crash into mine I can feel a desperation behind them which I’m sure comes from the dilemma that I’ve accidently put in front of him. This wasn’t ever my intention. I kiss him back, but my mind spins the whole time.
“I’m coming in with you,” he finally gasps into my mouth. “I want to be here, come on.”
Then he takes my hand and he leads me into the room, not waiting for me to argue with him at all. As we enter and get nearer to my father, I forget all about Brandon’s inner dilemma and I suck in a deep tense air once more. This really isn’t easy. I’ve been through it more than once before, and it never feels anything less than stressful.
“So what will they do for him?” Brandon asks quietly. “What happens now?”
“They manage things, sort him out and send him back home again.” My voice cracks with emotion as I speak. “That’s all they can do, it can be a bit of a vicious cycle.”
Brandon puts his hands on his hips and he narrows his eyes. He looks like I did in the beginning, he wants an answer that just isn’t ever going to be there. I remember it well, but I’ve given in now. I gave my hope for a cure a whole lot of time and effort, and it exhausted me. Now I’m in a better place because I’ve accepted it. It is what it is, I suppose.
“And has he seen every specialist available? Has he dealt with every doctor?”
“We can’t really afford to see every doctor.” I know Brandon doesn’t understand this, he lives in a world where money isn’t an issue, but I need to make him understand. “So that holds us back but we’ve done everything that we can.”
Brandon parts his lips as I brace myself for him to say something that I won’t want to hear. It’ll be something money related and since that isn’t something that I can change I just don’t want to hear it right now. It makes my shoulders hunch around my ears.
But before he can get even the first word out, my dad makes a groaning noise that grabs both of our attention. The words fall apart on Brandon’s lips and my ears switch off from him. I race to Dad’s side and take the seat next to him so I can grab his hand. His eyes flicker as he tries his hardest to focus on me. At least that pained look is gone now, the medication must be working well. I’m glad, he needs that relief.
“Dad, are you okay?” I gush quietly to him. “What’s going on? What can I do?”
“L…Lo,” he practically whispers back, using the nickname that only he has for me. I wouldn’t like it from anyone else. “Sorry I got sick again.”
“Oh, Dad, don’t ever say that.” Tears fill my eyes. “This isn’t exactly your fault, is it? You can’t help it. I’m just glad that we got you some help in time.”
“At the hospital?” It breaks my heart that he doesn’t even seem to know where he is. “Yes, it’s very white. This must be the hospital.”
“Yeah, we’re at the hospital. I’ll go and get a nurse for you in a moment.”
“Is that not a nurse?” He peers over my shoulder and it takes me a couple of moments to realize who he’s looking at. Brandon’s standing right behind me looking awkward.
“Oh no, that’s not a nurse. That’s Brandon, he’s my… friend.” I cringe guiltily as I lie. He isn’t just my friend, but I can’t call him anything else either. “He’s helping me.”
Dad tries to sit up but the pain is too much for him to do so. Sensing this, Brandon moves closer so my dad can see him. “Hi, I hope that you feel… okay.” It’s so obvious that Brandon doesn’t know what to say, but the fact that he’s still here and he hasn’t run for the hills says a whole lot about him. “Sorry, I know that you probably don’t want me here, so if you want me to go, I can do so now…”
“Are you the reason?” Dad asks cryptically. When Brandon doesn’t answer, he senses that he needs to continue. “The reason that my Lo has been much happier recently?” My eyes widen in shock. I thought I was so discrete with my feelings. “Oh, I know that she’s tried to hide it from me but I can tell that she’s going through some big changes. I thought love because of the way she now bounces as she walks, and now I can see I was right.”
Me and Brandon share a panicked look. The L word is something we definitely shouldn’t say aloud but that isn’t something that we can say to my dad right now while he’s sick.
“Oh well, he’s my friend, we’ve been hanging out,” I stammer as a blush fills my cheeks. “It’s nothing to worry about, or nothing to g
et excited about. It is what it is.”
Urgh, there it is again, those words. They sum up more than I ever thought possible. Now I can see why Brandon likes them so much.
“Hmm, I see,” Dad replies, sounding a bit bemused. “Well, I think something different. I think there’s something much more between you, but what do I know? I’m just a sick old man lying in a bed because my body keeps failing me.”
I don’t know how to answer that question, it sends me into a spiral of panic. I can’t look at Brandon anymore for fear of what he’s thinking about my dad and his heavy words. Words that definitely shouldn’t have been spoken aloud, not when things are so confusing between me and him.
“Shall I go and get a nurse?” Brandon asks rapidly. “See what’s going on here?”
I nod rapidly and watch as he leaves in a hurry. Seeing him go makes me feel oddly vulnerable as I wait for the onslaught of questions that’s undoutably about to come from my dad. It takes me a few moments to even turn my neck back to face him because I’m in such a state of panic. And as I finally do I wish I hadn’t.
“He is more important to me than you’re letting on,” Dad says with the shake of his head. “I don’t know why you feel like you had to keep him a secret…”
“Because he’s going,” I jump in quickly before he gets carried away. “This is only a short term thing. We both know what it is. As soon as his project is finished he’ll be back in the city and it’ll all be over.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” he replies in a matter of fact tone. “The long distance thing didn’t stop your mother and I in the beginning.”
“What?” I lean in, this isn’t a story that I’ve ever heard before. “You and Mom did the long distance thing?”