by Mia Ford
“I don’t know,” I whisper back. “I don’t know what will happen.”
“You’ll survive it, you know that.” Robyn touches my arm softly and gives me a loving smile, supporting me through and through. “You’re strong enough to get through anything.”
“I don’t know about that,” I admit. “I don’t know if I can. I feel like I’ve put so much into this that it’ll kill me if I don’t get it.” Tears ball up behind my eyes, I feel like I could cry at any given moment. “Sorry, I don’t want to get emotional, especially not tonight…”
“You need to dance.” Robyn decides to give up on talking and she grabs onto my arm. “Come on, you need to let go a bit. You’re so tightly wound up, you need to let loose.”
I really don’t want to, but it’s either that or sit in a chair weeping like a baby, in a club on my birthday. Crying over work is sad enough anyway, doing it on my one and only night out in forever, is just plain pathetic. If Evan is going to be out hooking up with supermodels – not that it matters one bit what he’s doing – and Grant is going to be at home with his perfect girlfriend, plotting my demise, then I need to try and have some fun. Enjoy myself before everything goes to shit again.
I let Robyn drag me up until we reach the other group of people then I sway my hips in time to the music. I feel uncomfortable, especially when everyone else looks so carefree, but I stick to it. Luckily, I have some alcohol floating through my system – not too much because I do have to be in the office tomorrow morning to catch up on some work – so I can get over my inhibitions and have some fun. I can dance and enjoy my birthday like a normal person would.
Men dance around us, some of them try to infiltrate our group as we dance, but none of the girls let them for which I’m really glad. I’m having enough of a nightmare dealing with Evan and Grant, the two men currently in my life, I don’t need any more. None of them are attractive enough to catch my eye anyway, not when I’ve spent a whole week with someone who is basically an Adonis.
No, I can’t think about him… I need to concentrate on having fun.
I listen only to the music, forgetting about the world as much as I can, and eventually I sort of manage to have some fun. It isn’t like me at all, but that’s the good thing about this night. I’m stepping out of my shell and doing something completely different. This is what people do, isn’t it? This what all the people who work normal jobs do… they enjoy themselves as much as possible.
“Thank you for this,” I eventually lean in and say to Robyn. “This is the best birthday ever.”
She grips onto my hand and smiles at me. My heart explodes with love for this woman as she does. I’m so lucky to have her, I’m so glad that she’s stuck around for me when no one else has. “I’m glad you’re having a good time. You deserve to have a nice birthday.”
I part my lips, ready to thank her and to say something about her being the best friend ever, but before I get the chance to do so, Jon comes back and he circles his arms around Robyn’s waist, holding her close to him and my chest aches painfully. I am so happy for Robyn, she deserves to find someone nice, but she just reminds me that I still have absolutely no one. I don’t have anyone wanting to hold me, wanting to hug me, wanting to love me.
I’m lonely, I think sadly to myself as I look away. I am really lonely. This suck and the worst part is I want to do something about it, but I just don’t have the time.
Chapter Seven – Evan
“Goodnight, my big handsome boy,” I say to Liam as I rub his dark hair gently between my finger tips. “I’m glad I got to see you off to sleep tonight.”
“Yeah, I usually miss you at bed time, Daddy. It’s nice to have you here.”
I stare down at my son with love in my heart. I know that I’m lucky to have a selection of some wonderful nannies to help me with raising him, and they’re doing a really good job of it, but I wish it could be me. I wish I could find the time and the space to be the one to raise him but I can’t… and that’s because looking at him hurts me as much as it makes me happy.
Actually, no, that isn’t what I wish at all. I wish that his mother, Victoria was still alive and everything was as it’s supposed to be. I shouldn’t be a single father, she shouldn’t have been taken from me just after my son was born, but unfortunately that’s exactly what happened.
When I first met Victoria, it was very much just a sexual thing. We didn’t have much in common aside from an explosive physical chemistry so that’s all it became. Every few days we would meet for a hook up and then we would go our separate ways. That is until she fell pregnant…
At first, we had no idea what to do. We had to give it a go because it was the right thing to do for our unborn child. It wasn’t always easy but we made it work. There were arguments and hard times but we had a reason to stay together and because of that we stuck it out.
Then Liam was born and everything felt perfect. I proposed to Victoria in the hospital bedroom and we started planning our wedding right away. It was going to be the event of the year, we were both so excited for it. The wedding that would ultimately take everything from me…
My mom and dad took Victoria out to pick out her wedding dress on the day that the accident happened. I was so excited all day long, I loved having baby Liam all to myself for a while, and I knew how thrilled Victoria was. It didn’t even register in my brain that they had taken a long time, I just thought they were having a good time in the city center. It wasn’t until the cops came to the door with the hideous life changing information that a drunk driver caused a pile up on the freeway that crushed the car with three of the most important people in my life inside. I lost everything and I changed that day too. I became hard on the outside, I turned off my emotions, and I became the man I am now.
Now, every time I look at my boy, I see my wife. I see my parents. I see all the people that are missing from my life and it kills me. Maybe that’s why I spend so much time at the office. I want to create a bigger and better life for Liam, I want him to have it all, but I also don’t want him to see the pain in my eyes every time we share a glance. He doesn’t remember his mom at all, which is good and sad all at once, and I don’t want him to see how much I think of her all the time when I see him. He just looks so much like her, it kills me.
“I’m sorry, Liam,” I say while kissing him on the head. “I will try and be home more often. It’s just crazy at work at the moment. You know how it is.”
Of course, he doesn’t know how it is, he’s only almost six years old. I shouldn’t have said that, but sometimes I’m a little awkward around him. Especially when I feel guilty which right now is my biggest emotion. I feel horrible for being so absent.
“Good, because then I can tell you all about my stuff at school. I’ve been learning all about space and the moon and I have lots to talk about. I know all the planets, there’s Mars and Jupiter. There’s also Neptune, and… and…”
His face lights up as he talks and I can see how excited he is to have me around. It makes me feel terrible that I’ve been spending so much time at the office recently, I know I should be back here in time for bed every single night. None of the nannies ever suggest that I will be because they know I can’t always promise that I will, especially when a late night conference calls crop up, but I’m now going to make a promise to myself that I will try more often. I won’t tell Liam, I’ll just start doing it. He’s already lost his mom, he doesn’t need to lose me as well.
“That sounds great, you do have to go to sleep right now but you can tell me all about it in the morning. Does that sound good? I’ll wait for breakfast and we can talk about it then.”
“Okay, Daddy, goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Son.” I kiss him on the head again. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he murmurs sleepily. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I step back and switch off the light but I don’t leave his bedroom right away. I prop myself up against the door frame and watch as he s
lides his eyes closed and he drifts into a deep sleep which I hope brings happy dreams along with it. I don’t want him to know the horror of real life, especially when he has already been through so much himself already. Even if he doesn’t realize it yet, it’ll hit him soon that he has no mother or grandparents. I’m dreading the day when he asks me all about it. Every single mother’s day, I brace myself for the questions, but so far they haven’t yet come.
After a while I give up staring at my adorable little boy and I make my way down the stairs where I will spend a long evening alone dealing with work stuff. Mostly, the things that Katy has given me to look at. There’s a whole lot of restructuring plans that I need to lay out for her by Monday, and I don’t want to fuck it up. She might think that I’m a bit of an arrogant asshole with her because there’s a lot that I just can’t negotiate, but I do take this seriously. I do need this to work.
As I hit the bottom step, I make my way towards the kitchen and I grab a tumbler from the cupboard. I won’t drink much alcohol because I’m home alone with Liam, but I do need just one to steady my nerves., I remember way back when, I used to spend my Friday nights out in seedy night clubs, dancing away, hitting on the hottest chick in the bar, then it would usually be on to an after party where things would get really crazy…I never would have expected my weekends to end up like this. Me at home with my baby boy, wondering if I’m allowed to feel just a little bit lonely.
This is why I’m glad to have Ally around, because she helps to starve off the loneliness and the sexual frustration, and she doesn’t want anything more. I don’t know if she knows about Liam, but she hasn’t ever asked. She doesn’t want to get to know me, she doesn’t want me to be her boyfriend, she’s just content to have fun. I can fuck around with her in the office, then come back home and have my real life. It’s like the best of both worlds.
I thought I was content with that too, I always have been, but now there’s something about it that feels a little hollow. I don’t want to pursue things with her, but I don’t know if I’ happy to just keep fooling around either. I feel a bit dissatisfied with all of it, and knowing that Liam isn’t happy with me being away from the house so much either makes it even worse. I would love nothing more than to give him that full family unit, but how can I make that happen? Without Victoria, that just isn’t ever going to happen. When she died, she took away the chance for that to happen so now me and Liam are stuck. We’re in this rut now, and that’s all there is to it.
“Right.” I shake my head and knock my drink back, before making me way over to the table where I have all my work set out in front of me. “Let’s get to this.”
I rub my head hard and stare down at the white bits of paper as the words upon them start to swim in front of me. I guess I’m tired and weary with it all. I really want to settle down and come up with a miraculous plan that solves everything, but it just isn’t happening. I’m too stuck in the detail that I don’t want to lose my business. It’s almost as if I can’t see the bigger picture.
I stare at my cell phone wondering if it’s too late for me to call Katy with some questions. She said that I always can, but it is a Friday night. I don’t know much about her but for all I know she could be out on the town living it up. I know most lawyers are too busy for a social life like that, but Katy might be different. She might somehow manage to be a kick ass lawyer and a social butterfly at the same time.
I don’t need to call her, I tell myself angrily. I can do this by myself.
The thing is, I don’t think I necessarily need to call her, I think I might want to. She seems to care about this working out just as much as I do, and while she might have her own agenda for that it’s nice to have someone who’s solely on my side. I want to hear her reassuring voice, I want her to tell me that she’s going to make sure that everything is okay. I just want to hear her whatever she has to say. I can’t believe I was actually disappointed when she came into my office instead of Grant. Now, I actually like her a whole lot more. I think I will always prefer her and choose her first.
For a moment, I wonder what it would be like if she was here. I never invite women back to my home for obvious reasons. There’s no way in hell that I’m ever going to introduce random women that I sleep with to my son, but I try to picture how Katy would fit in here. Is this the sort of house that she would like, or would she think that it’s too much? Would she assume that I’m flash, or maybe she loves somewhere just like this? Maybe she earns just as much money as me. I mean, I guess not, but she might be wealthy enough. I don’t know why she would even be here anyway, what would she be doing? Working? No, that would be weird and there’s nothing else that would bring her here.
I sigh loudly, I need to stop thinking about her. It’s getting a little weird. She’s just my lawyer, she isn’t the sort of person that I’m ever going to have even a friendship with. This is just a distraction, a way to procrastinate from what really needs to be done. I need to work until this is set, until I know exactly what I want to do.
Chapter Eight – Katy
“Yeah, okay. I see what you mean,” Evan admits with a regretful smile. “I guess that’s what I’ll have to do. I know that I’ve been a bit difficult to work with, it’s just that this business is important to me, it’s like my baby and I’ve built it up from almost nothing. I know that I need to downsize but actually turning that into a plan is something else. Seeing it just makes it that much more real, you know?” His face is a mask, but I can see the cracks through it, that run deeper than he’s saying. “But yes, if you think that’s right then that’s right.”
I feel a little bad actually. I don’t want to hurt his feelings by suggesting these changes, especially when it seems like he’s more invested in this than I’ve ever seen before, but I don’t have much of a choice. I’ve seen and worked with many business owners in my time and never have I worked with someone so dedicated before. It seems that the business drives him more than the money which is unusual. Still, sometimes things have to be said, I have to be cruel to be kind.
“I do think you’re going to have to consider shutting areas down and I know the ones that I’ve suggested might be close to your heart, but they’re the ones that aren’t performing as well.”
I watch intently as Evan nods slowly, my heart fluttering the entire time. I don’t know what’s making me so nervous about his answer, but there’s something strange going on inside my chest. I’m confident in what I’ve suggested, there’s no doubt about that, it’s just making him understand it.
I need to drive the point home. “I’m looking at this from the point of view of the banks. When you meet with them to ask for more time to sort out your financial situation you need to do it fully armed. Having a strong plan that shows how willing to change you are is a big step towards that.”
Evans lifts his eyes to look at me and as our gazes connect I feel a powerful jolt in my chest. I could try to ignore it, to pretend that it never happened, but if I’m honest with myself this isn’t the first time that’s happened. I’ve been feeling all kinds of conflicting emotions around him since I very first laid eyes on him. Sometimes I hate his guts, he drives me insane with his terrible attitude, but there are other occasions such as this one where I feel that maybe Robyn might be right. I might actually like Evan. After all, he’s gorgeous, he has a certain charm to him and a powerful charisma, and also, he makes little almost flirty comments that make me tingle all over.
Despite the fact that I know it’s wrong, quite frankly it’s a bit of relief. I’ve been stuck on the unattainable Grant for so long that I was starting to worry that he’s the only person I can be attracted to. I can’t recall having a crush or a tingly feeling with another person for years. It’s just a shame that it’s happened now with someone else that I can’t act upon my feelings with. Evan is also out of reach, even if he wanted something to happen too. We couldn’t even fool around to get it out of our systems. Messing about with a client is like the number one no go in t
he lawyer ethics hand book… the one with all the unwritten rules, I mean, it just isn’t done. I can’t start breaking rules now.
“Good job you’re as smart as you are beautiful,” Evan says with a wink.
From anyone else I wouldn’t like these comments that fly at me every so often, catching me off guard, but I can’t help getting a cheap thrill when Evan speaks to me like that. I still think it’s the lack of male attention that I’ve had forever, but that doesn’t make it any less fun. “What would I do without you?” he says.
My cheeks heat up and I fix my eyes on the papers in front of me for a moment. “Oh well, I don’t know about that… I’m just trying to do my job.” I cringe, noticing how dorky I sound, but what else can I do? I can’t respond in any similar way. I have to behave myself. I suck at flirting anyway, so it’s probably a good thing. This man who undoubtedly spends every night with a different supermodel isn’t going to be impressed by me anyway. “Trying to save you your business.”
Evan tips his chair slightly so his head moves closer to me so I can feel his breath tickling my cheek. That causes a ball to form in my throat as I’m paralyzed to the spot. I only have to look at Evan to know that he’s thinking some terrible thoughts. His eyelids have grown heavy and there’s a glaze over his eyes. Despite the fact that I’m much more plain and boring than he’s used to with my scraped back dark hair and my make up free face, plus this pant suit that doesn’t exactly show off my body, Evan seems to find me attractive and that thought alone is almost intoxicating…
Knock, knock.
Me and Evan leap apart like we’ve been electrocuted as someone knocks at the door. I can feel all the color drain from my face as I try to refocus my eyes on the papers in front of me. All the images and words written down might be swimming everywhere but I’m doing what I can to at least look like I’m busy. I have no idea what almost did or didn’t happen with Evan but then I’m glad we got interrupted. My brain nearly switched off then, I nearly acted on impulse, and that would have been utterly dreadful. I could have screwed up everything, my non-existent love life and my budding career.