by Mia Ford
“I don’t know,” I admit for the first time, letting out fear I didn’t know was there. “I hope so, I’ve been working towards that goal with that idea in mind so I kind of really need it to work out.”
Evan walks next to me silently for a few moments, seemingly stuck in his own thoughts. I want to ask him what he’s thinking, I want to know if he knows something about the law world that I can’t see because I’m so stuck in the middle of it, but I can’t quite find the words.
“You know what, you should come and work with me for the afternoon, I think that’ll be awesome. We do have stuff that we need to get done anyway and I don’t like the idea of you stuck in an office alone, buried under paper work. I know you might think that you need to get all of that done, but I’m supposed to be your most important client, remember?”
I laugh, unable to stop myself and I nod. He’s right that I need to get to work because I have so much to do, but I can also justify my time with Evan because he is such an important client. The idea of being with him is so much more appealing than anyone else anyway. His presence, while confusing and filled with conflicting emotions, is preferable to being near anyone else. Even Grant… God I never thought that day would come. I’ve always wanted to be near Grant. This is mad.
“Sure,” I reply with a nervous gulp. “That sounds good.”
Before we can take another step, Evan spins to face me with an inquisitive look in his eyes, which causes me to stop in my tracks. We’re in the middle of the busy sidewalk with people rushing past us, but in that moment, it just feels like it’s only the two of us. The rest of the world melts away and I lose myself in his eyes. This is a moment that I could live in forever more, quite happily.
He takes a step closer with his hands outstretched and I find my body being magnetically pulled towards him as well. I have no idea what’s happening, but I do want to find out. Even if it’s wrong and we both end up in a complicated mess, I just want to know…
Is he going to kiss me? I ask myself as his hands brush my cheeks. Is this really happening? I fall into a trance, the sensation of his hands holding onto my cheeks switching off my brain completely. All I want to do is fall into his embrace, I want him to hold me, I want to know what it’s like to be the girl in his arms, I want to succumb to the temptation that’s been circling between us ever since we first met, I want to do the taboo thing and actually have some fun for once, screw the consequences.
I rise up onto my tip toes as my heart hammers violently against my rib cage. My lips purse without me even thinking about it, getting themselves ready to get the prize and finally kiss Evan…
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
His cell phone blasts out, interrupting us both, which breaks the magic of the moment completely and causes me and Evan to fall apart as reality creeps back in. We really shouldn’t be this close, we cannot be kissing. His phone ringing actually happened at exactly the right moment then, it stopped us from doing something incredibly stupid. Something we would have regretted for sure.
“I better answer this,” he says in a shaky tone of voice. “It might be… important.”
Back to the secret phone calls, of course. Just another reason why me and Evan are incompatible. I need these reasons. “Yes, of course, you answer away. I’ll just wait here.”
He steps to the side of a building and he talks quietly into the handset. I don’t listen but I couldn’t hear even if I wanted to. Let him have his crazy secret little life, it’s probably a wife or something equally crazy. The rich asshole types who are sleeping with their secretaries usually do have wives. Instead I use the time to remind myself that me and Evan are in public and we are also working together, so we need to behave as such. We can’t be kissing or even almost kissing, it just isn’t right.
Once Evan comes back to me, he keeps his cell phone pointed in my direction which is strange. During the short time that I’ve spent with him he’s always really weird about his phone, keeping it close to him. Now, I can see a little insight into his life and what I see isn’t expected at all.
“Who’s that?” I ask while pointing to the phone screen. “Who’s that young boy?”
His face pales, he looks a little freaked out by my question which only piques my interest even more. “Oh, well I don’t tell many people about this, because you know, it’s my private life and everything but it’s…” He pauses and breaths deep, seemingly panicking. “He’s my son.”
My heart falls out of my shoes, I don’t know what to think. He has a son? I mean, I know I thought that he might have a wife, but a child…? That’s something else. He’s like an actual family man. All of a sudden, the image I have of him out screwing a different supermodel every night shatters into nothing. Maybe I’ve misjudged him and he isn’t like that at all.
“You have a son?” I ask quietly. “I didn’t know that. I mean, of course I didn’t know that. You’ve just said that you don’t tell anyone… but wow.” I glance up at him, the shock plastered across my face. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m shocked but I am. You have a son.”
“Yeah well,” he shrugs. “I don’t make it obvious to everyone because I want to protect my son. He’s already been through so much in life, with losing his mother.”
“He… he lost his mother?” I feel like I’ve been gut punched. I really did get Evan wrong. Not only does he have a son who he raises single handedly while running a business – well probably with a bunch of nannies, but without a wife – he’s also lost someone that he loved.
“Er, yeah.” He seems uncomfortable, like he’s just realized what he’s said. “She died in a car crash… with my parents in the car too. They were on the way to pick up Victoria’s wedding dress.”
I’m gob smacked. Utterly silence. What am I supposed to say about something like that? I haven’t ever been through something so emotional in my life, I don’t feel like I have any experience to draw upon. “I... I’m so sorry,” I eventually reply lamely, cringing as I speak. “I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have been like. It sounds awful. You must be very brave.”
“I cope,” he replies with a thin smile. “Some days I don’t feel like I am coping, but I try.”
I nod slowly, wondering how I managed to get Evan all wrong. Part of being a lawyer is being able to read people well, it’s about understanding the complexities of the people that I’m working with, but all I’ve done is judge Evan on my very incorrect first impression of him. Because of his money and his attitude, I thought that he was something that he isn’t, and now I feel horrible about myself.
I cock my head to one side, seeing Evan in a totally different light. This is a man who loves his business, who works hard because he has a son to raise alone because the boy’s mother died in the same accident that killed his parents, and he hides all that from the rest of the world.
No wonder he’s been having sex with Ally, I think wryly to myself. He probably needs to blow off some damn steam!
The realization that Evan is actually this incredible guy makes me want to revert back to where we were before when his hands were on my cheeks and we were moments away from kissing. I want to kiss him now, I want all the complications surrounding us to vanish so we can just be to ourselves but of course that isn’t ever going to happen.
Damn it, now I like him even more. This is such a mess.
“We, erm, we should probably get going, right?” I ask with a bright, fake smile on my face. “We have a lot of work to do, right?”
Evan looks disappointed, but he nods. “Sure, yes, we do. Lots of work to do.” He grabs onto my arm to stop me, before we can make it to the office. My breath hitches in my throat as I think he might be about to give me what I so desperately want… but then he talks instead. “Please don’t tell anyone what I told you, about my son I mean. I don’t want that to become common knowledge.”
“No, of course I won’t,” I reassure him rapidly. “Your secret is safe with me.”
It
feels nice to have a secret for just me and Evan, it builds our bond even tighter. What we don’t have is a sexual thing, but we do have something else. Something that I hope might even be better… maybe.
Chapter Eleven – Evan
“Evan, are you even listening to me?” Ally sounds frustrated as she demands this. “I’m trying to discuss work with you but it’s like you’re on another planet entirely.”
“Hmm, what?” I try and drag myself out of my thoughts and back into the present moment. I’m sure whatever Ally is saying to me is important, but I just can’t stop myself from drifting off. It’s driving me crazy. Ever since that lunch with Katy where things very nearly got out of control between us, and then I opened myself up to her more than I have done to anyone else… I just haven’t seen her. I don’t know what to think. I’m so damn confused. “Sorry, I am listening, I’m just… struggling.”
Ally flings her hands onto her hips and she narrows her eyes at me. “You’ve been acting all weird ever since she came into your life. Is this about her?”
I can feel my cheeks flaming red as I’ve been caught out, so I do the only thing I can and I act like I haven’t understood what she’s so clearly saying to me. “Sorry, who? What are you on about?”
“Oh come on.” Ally rolls her eyes dramatically. “Miss boring lawyer, who you seem to like despite the fact that she’s clearly all wrong for you. Are you thinking about her?”
Yes, I think. “No,” I lie. “I’m not thinking about anything. I’m just… thinking.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I can see it written all over your face.” Ally cocks her head at me and looks at me with confusion. “You are thinking about her. But why? I mean, she isn’t exactly the prettiest girl you’ve ever had in your office and she does seem really dull to me. I don’t see what you like in her at all. Plus, she hasn’t been here for almost a week, so what’s going on with that?”
Urgh, it’s been the longest damn week ever. I don’t care what Ally says about Katy, she doesn’t know her at all. She isn’t dull looking, and she isn’t boring either. She’s gorgeous and interesting, smart and fun, I miss her loads. All I want is for her to be back in my office, working with me so we can laugh and enjoy ourselves but unfortunately, she’s been tied up in sorting out what she needs to do with paper work and endless phone calls, plus from what I understand she needs to wrap things up with another client as well. There isn’t any reason for us to hang out right now, I just need to accept that. Even if it really hurts me in my chest, even if I feel all hollow in my chest.
“She’s busy, Ally, that’s all,” I reply firmly. “And I honestly don’t know what you’re going on about. Me and Katy just have a business relationship. That’s all.”
“Sure, that’s why you go all moony eyed when she comes in.”
I can tell Ally has said that to try and get a reaction out of me so I do everything that I can to keep those emotions inside. I don’t want her to see that I’m affected at all. I continue staring at the papers on my desk, acting like I’m working in the hope that Ally will get the hint and walk away.
But she doesn’t. “Okay, well that’s great news. I’m glad that you aren’t all up in the boring lawyer’s grill because that would really fuck things up for me and you.”
My eyes snap up at that remark. I thought that me and Ally had an understanding. Why is she suddenly acting all crazy around me? “What do you mean, me and you?”
“Oh I don’t mean anything by it… I just like having fun with you, that’s all.” She shimmies closer to me and slides a finger up and down my chest. “We have a good time, don’t we?”
I let my eyes fall closed as she rubs my shoulders, instantly picturing Katy again. Ally transforms and becomes the beautiful, natural looking lawyer who gets my heart beating at a million miles an hour. I could easily get with Ally again and pretend that it’s Katy, it would be an awesome way to get some of this out of my system, it would be the relief that I so desperately need… but the last time that happened I felt like a piece of shit afterwards. I don’t want to use Ally, she doesn’t deserve that. She’s a great girl who’s been there for me when I’ve needed her.
“Not now, Ally,” I say firmly while pushing myself back to create some distance between us. I need the space, her body anywhere near mine is a bad idea. “I have too much to do.”
“What?” she squeals in shock. “Are you serious? You don’t have anything to do. You’ve been sitting here for the last twenty minutes just day dreaming about fucking Katy.”
Ah, so she does know her name. “I haven’t, don’t be like that, Ally.”
“What’s going on here?” she demands, fire flashing behind her eyes. “Are you ending things between us? Is that what’s happening? Are you done with me now?”
I part my lips to say no of course not, because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I stop myself at the very last moment. If I’m in the middle of developing some pretty serious feelings for Katy then I need to end things with Ally. Even if things don’t work out in the way that I want them to, the fact that I’m somehow ready to open up my heart to an actual relationship means I do need to put things to a halt. I don’t want to string things along until they become problematic.
“I think it does,” I admit quietly. “This hasn’t got anything to do with Katy, I just think that maybe… maybe I don’t want to just fool around anymore. Maybe I want something more.”
Ally bites down on her bottom lip and I think I might be about to experience a very first screaming fit from her. I brace my shoulders, wondering if she’ll quit her job in the process of this nightmare, but then she just nods. She doesn’t speak for a few moments, she just nods at me calmly as if she might agree. I don’t move my shoulders down from my ears right away though, just in case.
“Okay, I see. And what does that mean for us? Like, what does it mean for work?”
“I still want you to work here,” I insist. “I like having you around and you’re amazing at your job. I just… I don’t know, I think it might be time to take life a bit more seriously, you know?”
She moves back slowly, almost looking uncomfortable in her own skin as she leaves. I know that it’s going to be a little bit odd for a while, it can’t be anything else, but I think that me and Ally will find a way to be okay in the end. I hope anyway, I need her.
As she reaches the door she holds it open and turns to speak to me once more. “You know, if you do like little miss lawyer you should let her know. She doesn’t look like the sort of person that hears it a lot and I’m sure it’ll help move things forward.”
I open my mouth, but I’m too gob smacked to say anything. That’s some really adult, kick ass advice from Ally which isn’t what I expected at all. She’s a great girl, and she’s also really right. I can’t just sit back and let things with Katy pass me by. If I like her then I need to let her know. I have to tell her… or at least make it very obvious. Of course, it’s complex because of our working relationship, but if it’s as real as I think it is, then it’s worth the risk.
“Thank you, Ally, that’s very kind of you.”
The door shuts quietly behind her leaving me completely alone with my cell phone. The phone that’s been far too silent for days. I mean, I’ve had calls and messages, but not from the person I want them from. But I have the power to change that if I want. I can grab my phone and I can call her. I can make the first step. I have to.
With a deep breath, I pick up my phone and I scroll through the names in my contacts list. When I reach Katy, I rub my finger across it lovingly, hoping that it’ll all work out as I want it to. I don’t know how my fragile ego will take it if I make a move with Katy and it all falls apart.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
As it takes her a while for Katy to answer the phone I wonder if she’s ignoring me. I can almost picture her sitting at her desk, staring at her phone in sheer terror because she doesn’t want to speak to me. Maybe the almost kiss was too much
, or maybe it was the news that I have a son. She didn’t seem put out by it when she first learned about my child but I suppose she’s had time to think about it now. Maybe she’s realized that she needs to keep her distance.
“Hello, sorry, you okay, Evan?” When Katy finally answers, she sounds completely out of breath. “Sorry I’ve been running around like a headless chicken all morning, I don’t even know what time of day it is. Or what day it is. Oh God, I sound like a mad person, sorry about that.”
“Oh wow, sounds like things have been stressful.” I cradle the phone to my ear so I can hear her words even louder. I love the lilting sound to her voice, it makes me miss her even more. “I’m sorry that you’ve had such a bad day. I hope me calling you doesn’t make it worse.”
“No, no not at all.” She sounds genuine as she says this which warms up my chest intensely. I love to make her happy. “I’m happy to hear from you, how are you?”
I know I could give her a bog standard answer without any details in that, but Ally’s words about pushing things if I want something to happen are still ringing in my ear. “Actually, I’m good, but that’s not why I’ve called you.” I suck in a deep breath of panicked air. “What I want to know is what you’re doing tonight?”
“Tonight?” she sounds distracted, like she has her mind on a million other things which I’m sure she does. “I think I’ll be working late at the office tonight. I really need to get this stuff filed.”
“How about tomorrow? Can I book you in for a business dinner so I can get an update of where we are?” I know the best thing for me to do is to make it about work. She’ll be much less likely to reject me that way. “I’d really lovely to hear what’s been happening?”
“Erm, hold on let me just check my diary.” I wait with baited breath as she flicks through the pages of her diary. “Yes, I can move some stuff around and make that happen. How does eight PM sound?”