He looks at me and raises an eyebrow as he waits for me to make a decision.
“Fine,” I say with a huff. “But then I’m going home.”
Silently, we walk down the street and away from the crowds, but the farther we get, the more I regret it. I shouldn’t be alone with him. I can tell myself nothing will happen as much as I want, but it’s Jay. My brain seems to lose the ability to function when I’m anywhere near him.
“Here’s fine,” I say, refusing to walk any farther.
I watch as he looks around. “Here?”
“Yes. Now tell me, how long have you had my phone number?”
He puffs his cheeks out as he thinks about the answer.
“Don’t fucking lie to me,” I warn.
“I’ve always had it.”
I don’t realise I’ve moved until my palm connects with his cheek. His eyes widen in surprise as he lifts his own hand to rub the sting.
“I’m sorry.” If my anger wasn’t getting the better of me, I might feel bad about the truly mortified look on his face, but that’s not the case because I’m fucking livid.
“You’ve had my phone number the whole time?” I ask, just to clarify I’m understanding correctly. He doesn’t respond so I continue. “So all this time, all you had to do was pick up your phone? You left me sat there waiting for you, thinking you were fucking dead, and the whole time you had my fucking phone number? Do you have any idea what you did to me? Any idea what my fucking life’s been like since that day?”
I take in his pained face and lowered shoulders.
“Looking sad and pathetic isn’t going to help right now, Jay. Maybe if it was a week later, maybe a month with a good fucking excuse. But five fucking years! You suddenly reappear in my life and act like nothing’s happened, turning my world upside fucking down, and all you do is stand there and look a little bit guilty. Not fucking good enough.”
“Do you think that’s what I wanted, Erin?” he roars at me, clearly more affected by my words than he’s letting on. “Do you think I planned to leave you there, waiting for me? You were the only thing that got me through those months. The thought of seeing you again, having more time together. That was everything to me.”
“Then why the fuck didn’t you come back?” I scream, tears starting to sting my eyes.
“I did,” he admits quietly.
“Excuse me?”
“I did come back. I was there.”
“What?”
“I came back for you, but I wasn’t the person you’d have remembered. You didn’t deserve that.”
“So what, you just turned up to see if I would for your own amusement?”
“Trust me, there was nothing amusing about it.”
“You were actually there?” He has to be joking. Right?
“Your hair was down. You had on a grey poncho with black leggings underneath, and a giant black handbag. You looked gorgeous.” His eyes darken a shade as he falls back into the memory. Pain I’ve never seen before flashes through them.
A thought suddenly hits me. I was very obviously pregnant; surely he’d have noticed. Is that why he didn’t show his face?
“So you saw me, thought I looked gorgeous but decided against it?”
“It wasn’t like that,” he pleads.
“So tell me what it was like then?”
“Shit happened in Afghan. Bad shit.”
“You’re alive, aren’t you? Don’t you think that whatever it was I deserved to make the decision for myself? I could have dealt with it, Jay. All I wanted was you. You left me sitting there, believing you either didn’t want me or that you were dead, and I didn’t know which option was the better.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your fucking apology,” I shout. My hands shake and tears roll down my cheeks. “I want to know why, Jay. I want to know why you left me and why you now think it’s okay to just turn up and send my world into a tailspin. I have a life now. A life I can’t just up and leave like I did back then. I have people who depend on me. I can’t do this kind of shit to them.”
My words obviously register with him because his eyes widen and he steps back from me a little.
“You’ve got a boyfriend?”
“Yes, I’ve got a boyfriend,” I confirm.
“But—”
“Exactly,” I snap. “You aren’t a part of my life anymore, Jay. You made that decision for both of us that day, so you’re going to have to live with it.”
“FUCK,” he shouts as he rubs his hands over his face before running them through his short hair and looking up to the sky.
He stays that way for the longest time. I’m wondering if I should either say something or walk off when he brings his head down and looks at me.
His eyes are dark and tired, and there’s pain etched into every inch of his face.
“Have I lost you?”
His words gut me.
I wrap my arms around my middle tightly because the words I’m about to say feel like they’re going to rip me in two.
“You lost me when you decided not to come back for me.”
* * *
I walk around the city for hours. The pain in my chest is all consuming. I don’t notice the cold or the blisters my shoes are causing. None of them match the pain of telling Jay it’s over between us, and the look in his eyes as I walked away from him.
Every part of me knows I made the right decision. I’m not a free twenty-year-old now. I’m twenty-five with an almost five-year-old son, a serious boyfriend, and two businesses. I can’t get so lost in a memory of what could have been and ruin the life I’ve built for Denny and myself. Because that’s all this thing with Jay is: a memory. I knew him for a measly two weeks of my life. He shouldn’t have this kind of power over me. The thought of never seeing him again shouldn’t wreck me from the inside out like it did back then. But it does. More than ever.
When I eventually walk up my driveway sometime after the sun’s started to rise, the last thing I expect is for Alex to come rushing out of the front door looking panicked. “Where the hell have you been?” he asks in a rush as he checks me over, looking for god knows what.
“What’s wrong? I’m fine,” I say, walking up to the house.
“Frankie rang me hours ago. She couldn’t find you.”
“I thought she left with a guy,” I say, like it explains everything.
“Well, clearly she didn’t. She came back into the club to find you and you weren’t there. She rang me thinking you’d come home just to make sure you were okay.”
“Shit,” I mutter under my breath.
“What?”
“Nothing. I’ve got a lot on my mind and I decided to go for a walk. I just lost track of time.”
“What the hell, Erin? I’ve been worried sick.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“You need to talk to me, baby. Ever since I moved in it’s like we’re drifting further and further apart. What’s going on with you?”
The guilt’s almost enough to swallow me whole as I look at Alex’s concerned face. What the fuck am I doing? I ask myself for the millionth time.
“Sorry, it’s nothing really. It’s just been five years since Mum died and it’s Denny’s birthday soon. I think things just got on top of me with my deadline and everything.” I feel like the worst person on the planet using the anniversary of my mum’s death to get me out of telling the truth. I truly hate myself right now.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t even think,” Alex whispers as he pulls me into a tight hug that kickstarts the tears I’ve been holding in for the past few hours.
Chapter Five
“So you just walked the streets all night?” Frankie asks, like it’s the most insane thing she’s ever heard.
“Yes, how many times?”
“It just doesn’t sound like you, E.” She looks over her laptop and stares into my eyes like she’s going to be able to read the truth.
“Wel
l, that’s what happened.”
“You’re really pissing me off, you know that?”
I shrug my shoulders and continue fiddling with the jewellery on display in the shop. I’m desperate to confide in her but at the same time I don’t want her to look at me with disapproval and disappointment in her eyes. She might not judge me but that look will still be there regardless.
She already grilled me for over an hour on the phone yesterday about my disappearing act. How was I supposed to know she hadn’t left to hook up with Dean and only gone out with him for a fag? If I’d have known they were coming back, I wouldn’t have left—no, I would have left, but I would have told them. I had no desire to stay in the same building as Jay.
As I think back to Saturday night, the look on his face when I told him there was nothing between us is the only thing I can see. The devastation. When I told him I had a boyfriend, I thought I’d hurt him, but the look when I said we were done is going to haunt me forever. The girl from five years ago desperately wanted to tell him I was lying and that he was the only one for me, but the sensible adult in me knew it wasn’t the right thing to do—even if every fibre of my being was screaming at me to do so.
“Erin?” Frankie asks as she places her hand on my shoulder. When I glance at her she looks extremely angry. “If you refuse to tell me what’s wrong, I can’t do anything to help when whatever it is blows up in your face. I may not know what it is, but I can read you like a book, Erin Roberts, and I know you’re in the shit, and it hurts that you won’t confide in me.” She pulls her coat on and throws her bag over her shoulder. “Call me when you figure your shit out,” she snaps before storming from the shop.
A ball of guilt engulfs me. I rush to the door and twist the lock before flicking the sign over to closed. I don’t make it out the back before my first sob erupts.
This wasn’t meant to happen. I’m doing what’s right. I’m staying away from him but I’m still hurting everyone around me.
I sit out the back of the shop for over an hour as I pull myself together and try to figure out what the fuck I’m doing. I decide I’m going to ring Frankie this evening and arrange to see her, at her place, away from any possible prying ears. I need to be honest with her; at least that way she might be able to talk some sense into me.
I open up the shop again for the afternoon but it’s fairly quiet, as is the norm for a Monday afternoon. I manage to get some paperwork done before my unwanted thoughts overtake my mind once again and I have to put it to one side.
Picking Denny up from school and listening to him tell me all about his day lifts my spirits a little. I can always rely on my little man to cheer me up, even if it feels like I get a sledgehammer to the chest every time I look at him. There’s no denying who his dad is, and that’s even more reason I can’t have Jay hanging around. Maybe I’m wrong and I should allow Denny to meet his dad, but he has a great relationship with Alex. I’d hate for him to feel rejected if Jay isn’t interested. If he decided being a father isn’t for him, I know it’ll break Denny’s heart. I’ve never told him his dad’s dead, but I’ve also never said he’s alive. I know the question is coming though, as Denny gets more inquisitive, but what he does believe is that his dad is a hero. He has him on this incredibly high pedestal, and I would hate to ruin that for him if Jay didn’t turn out to be what Denny has made him out to be in his head.
The sound of Denny talking to the train conductor in the living room makes me smile as I chop onions for dinner. I may have fucked everything up but I have him, and the most important thing is that I do right by him.
“Hey, baby. That smells amazing,” Alex says as he walks into the kitchen.
“Thanks,” I say as I turn towards him. “Wow.” Alex is carrying the biggest bunch of bright and colourful flowers. “What are they for?” I ask with a laugh.
“Work is sending me up north Thursday to train staff in a new club.” The tone in his voice expresses how unhappy he is about it.
My heart sinks. I don’t want to be left here alone.
“I’m sure it’ll be fun,” I say, plastering on a smile.
“It’s for two weeks. I don’t want to be away from you and Denny for that long. I’ve only just moved in,” he says, placing the flowers on the table and coming over to me.
“It’ll be fine.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince. “You’ll be back before you know it.”
“I’m going to miss his birthday.”
“We can put it back,” I offer.
“No, you can’t do that to him. He’s so excited.”
“Well…we’ll just have to celebrate when you’re back.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t have a choice.”
“It’s fine, really.”
“How long’s dinner?”
“Twenty minutes. Go on, I know you’re dying to go play trains,” I say with a laugh.
“Not so much. There is something I’m dying to do though.” He pulls me to him and emphasises the do with a thrust of his hips. My stomach turns over. I’ve been making excuse after excuse about having sex after what happened with Jay. I hate it but I’d feel like I was cheating on him by allowing Alex to touch me. It’s fucked up, I know.
Thankfully, Denny choses that moment to poke his head into the kitchen. “Alex, come play,” he demands.
“Please,” I remind him.
“Please.”
“Good boy.”
Alex follows behind as Denny pulls him from the kitchen but I don’t miss the slow perusal of my body and the quick wink as he leaves. That look used to do things to me. Now, I feel nothing.
“Fuck,” I mutter under my breath as I lean back on the worktop and look up at the ceiling like it might have the answers to all my problems.
* * *
“I’ll wash up, you go bath shorty,” Alex says when we’ve finished eating.
“Hey,” Denny complains because he hates the nickname. He makes no secret of his hatred of being the shortest kid in school. I’m fairly confident he’ll catch up. He takes after his dad in almost every way, so I’m sure it’ll happen.
Denny’s just getting into his pyjamas when there’s an almighty bang downstairs.
“What the...” I mutter.
“ERIN, get your pert little arse here right this minute,” I hear Frankie shout at full volume.
I make sure Denny’s okay before flying down the stairs to see what’s going on.
“Alex, you’re going out,” Frankie tells him.
“I’m sorry, what?” I can’t help but laugh at the incredulous look on his face.
“You’re going out,” she repeats slowly, like he’s an idiot, as she hands him his coat.
“But I live here.”
“I’m aware. Now off you pop. Oh, and we’re going to need at least an hour,” she adds.
“Sure thing, boss,” he says with a salute that makes Frankie very happy.
The second the door’s shut, she turns on me. “You need to start talking. Now.”
My heart jumps into my throat. She knows. I can tell by her eyes.
I manage to swallow down the giant lump in my throat to tell her to put the kettle on while I sort Denny out. She calls out as I climb the stairs to tell me it’s not necessary because she has wine, and that we’re going to need it.
Fuck.
Denny refuses to play in his room until he’s seen Aunt Frankie, so I reluctantly allow him downstairs for ten minutes so he can show her his new train. I get death stares from her the whole time. She knows I’ve only allowed him down here to put off the inevitable.
“Right, bed time, little man.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Now give Aunt Frankie a cuddle, then up you go.”
He huff and puffs as he puts his few toys away slowly, before giving us both a cuddle and heading up to bed.
“So, funny story,” Frankie says, turning to me. “I was at the petrol station filling up, and you’ll never guess who pulled in behind me.�
�
I swallow down the lump that’s suddenly reappeared.
“You don’t need to answer that, because you already know, don’t you?” The stare she gives me pins me to the chair and stops any words forming, so I just nod.
“How long have you been seeing him, Erin? And why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
I stare at her for two seconds before the sobs erupt.
“Fuck,” she mutters as she puts her wine down and comes to sit next to me, pulling me into a hug.
“You…you were convinced he was dead,” I stutter out between my sobs. “You th-thought I was crazy when I told you I’d seen him.”
“Yeah, but only because the evidence pointed that way. You could have convinced me fairly fast. I can’t believe you’ve been seeing him behind Alex’s back, E. What are you thinking?”
And there it is. The look I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of. The look of disappointment and disbelief.
“I’m not seeing him, Kiki.”
“So you’re telling me the love of your life suddenly reappears after five years, a guy you have off the charts chemistry with I might add, and nothing’s happened?”
“Well…”
“You’ve fucked him,” she squeals.
“Keep your bloody voice down.”
“Erin, seriously. What the fuck are you doing?”
“I have no idea, Frankie. No fucking clue. He disappeared like a fucking ghost five years ago and now all of a sudden there he is, wherever I fucking turn.” I explain to her about the car breakdown, and the bonnet incident.
“Fuck, that’s hot,” she mutters as she fans herself dramatically.
“Not the point, Kiki,” I snap. “It shouldn’t have happened. But every time he so much as looks at me it’s like my brain switches off. What am I going to do? He’s fucking up everything.”
“You need to decide what you want. Do you want a cushty little life here with Alex and Denny, or do you…Fuck,” she suddenly says. “Does he know about Denny?”
I shake my head, slightly ashamed that I’ve kept it to myself, but I’m pleasantly surprised when Frankie responds. “That’s probably for the best right now.”
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