by Jenika Snow
Nerd paused and stared at his club Prez. “Do you know where Hannah is?”
“If I did, I wouldn’t tell you.”
“That’s fucking bullshit.”
“No, it’s not. I believe what Weasel was saying is right, and you’re wrong, Nerd. None of us could help Hannah. This was what she needed to do, and you have to learn to accept that.”
Nerd gritted his teeth, staring at Ty who was sucking on his fist. The explosion of innocence in front of him made Nerd take a step back. What he was doing? He needed to tone his shit down.
“One day, Nerd, one day you’ll see what’s right in front of you. Until then get high on all the drugs, liquor, and pussy you can.”
“I don’t want any pussy. I was happy with the woman I had.”
Just the thought of being with another woman turned him the fuck off.
Even if she never returned, he’d rather die than have to touch another woman.
“You’re doing that thing again,” Patty said.
Hannah turned away from the window to see Patty, the friend that Deanna had taken her to, standing behind her. Patty had brought in some tea and a few cookies.
“Sorry, what was I doing?”
“You were staring out of the window, completely oblivious to the world around you. You’ve been doing that a lot, but it’s good. It means you’re clearing your head.”
“I was just thinking.” She rubbed her hands down her thighs and took a seat opposite Patty.
Deanna’s friend was so kind and gentle.
“Were you thinking about your male friend?”
She nodded. “Yeah. Nerd, that’s his name. Maybe one day you’d like to meet him. I mean, if that’s not too much.”
Hannah was aware that Patty had struggles similar to hers, and on the first night Patty had confided in Hannah and told her about when, over ten years ago, she’d been gang raped. The men who hurt her were in a prison, but there wasn’t a day that went by that Patty didn’t think about what she’d been through. Hannah didn’t know how Patty coped with that, yet here she was in a lovely home, serving tea.
“I’d be happy to meet your friend. He sounds like a nice man.”
“He is nice. At least he’s nice to me. Not many people would call him nice to his face.”
Patty laughed. “He’s one of those kinds of men. The possessive kind?”
“Is this too much for you to talk about?” Hannah asked.
She watched as Patty didn’t answer and simply poured them both a drink, taking time to add milk and sugar.
“Hannah, what happened to me was awful, and it happened a long time ago, but I try not to dwell on it. It’s with me, is who I am, but I won’t allow it to shape me.”
“I’m not judging.”
“I know. I’ve learned to control the fear that once gripped me. After it happened, I couldn’t stand to be in a room with anyone for fear of getting too close. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.”
“What changed?”
“I started to go to therapy, and that worked for a while. I wasn’t really living. I wanted to be the woman I was before, and you know what, that was my problem. I wanted to be someone that it hadn’t happened to. I couldn’t do that. It had happened, and I was allowing it to define who I was. So, I decided that from that moment on, when I realized that my life was being ruined and they were continuing to win, that I had to fight. I had to fight to be who I am today.”
“I’m not that strong.”
“I don’t know. You were strong enough to be with a man you had loved. That takes a lot of guts. You’ve just got to find that part of you that wants this, Hannah. I have a group with women and men who have suffered.”
“Men?”
Patty looked sad. “There are even men who suffer like us. We don’t judge, and it has been a week. In that week I have seen you staring out of that window and withdrawn. Deanna told me you wanted to get better. Is that true?”
“Yes, more than anything.”
“Then come to the group. See the men and women, listen to them. You might find something you never thought was possible.”
“Like what?”
“Strength, hope, and the want to be the one in control.”
She had to take charge and the only way to do that was to put herself in these situations. Hannah would do it. For herself, and for Nerd, she would.
Chapter Twenty
Nerd sat up in bed, rubbed his hand over his cheek, and felt the several days’ worth of beard that covered his flesh. It had been weeks since he’d seen Hannah, and all he could keep thinking about, seeing in his head, was her getting into Deanna’s car and leaving.
“Fuck,” he said to himself and looked around the room. He didn’t know what time it was but the sun was up and shining through the small window above his bed. He was a fucking wreck, and he didn’t even care who saw him going through hell. He loved Hannah so much, and her leaving, the prospect of her never coming back, had this violent beast rising up. He wanted blood drawn, wanted to destroy shit, and it was all because he was breaking apart inside.
Nerd wasn’t that much of a bad-ass that he couldn’t admit the hole left in him when the woman he loved left. There was a part of him, shortly after she’d gone, that had been pissed at her. How could she just walk away from him, from what they had? Did she not love him the way he loved her?
But after he’d gone through that angry stage he knew she’d done what she had to do to better herself. This wasn’t just about them and their relationship, but about her healing. She’d been through fucking hell before he found her, and even before the cult had gotten her. She’d been a drifter, not knowing where to go or whom to trust. But then that fucking cult had destroyed her and torn her in two when she’d already been so fragile.
Nerd had also questioned whether he’d pushed her too far too fast. She’d said he hadn’t, but maybe deep down in a place she hadn’t even realized, she had felt as though he had?
“Fuck,” he said again and pushed himself off the bed. He grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom. Shutting the door and staring at his reflection, the man that looked back at him looked like he hadn’t slept in a week and had been living off booze.
Dark circles were under his eyes, he had a beard going on, and his hair, although short, was unkempt. Hell, he didn’t give a fuck about how he looked.
“You need to get your shit together, because the road you’re taking is bringing you down,” he said to his reflection. But saying that to himself didn’t change the fact that he wanted Hannah, needed her in his life.
Even weeks later he couldn’t get out of this rut in his life. He hadn’t gotten any information from Deanna where Hannah was, but he wasn’t the type of man to bully or pressure a woman to get information out of her, especially not the Prez’s old lady.
He hadn’t spoken to Weasel since their last fight, and he didn’t know if he ever would. Maybe if Hannah did come back he’d address the fact that whether Weasel had been right or not, the other biker had no room to open his fucking mouth. It hadn’t been up to him to say anything to Hannah.
Nerd had tried looking for her on his own, but he’d come up with nothing. The bus stations wouldn’t tell him if she’d bought a ticket, even when he’d threatened them. And she didn’t know anyone aside from the club that she could have gone to stay with.
He was in the dark, and it was the worst fucking feeling in the world.
He turned from the mirror and started the shower. Before it even warmed up he was in it, letting the frigid water beat down on his back. Bracing a hand on the tile wall in front of him, Nerd closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly. He had to believe Hannah would be back because she loved him too much to stay away.
And when she did come, which he had to keep telling himself, he needed to have his shit together and not be a fucking wreck. He didn’t want her to see him that way. Being strong for her, but also for himself, was what t
hey both needed.
Hannah stared at the sealed envelope in her hand, nervous because she knew where it was going.
“You’re doing really well, Hannah,” Patty said and smiled at her. The other woman held her hand out and Hannah gave her the letter.
Over the last couple of weeks Hannah had learned a lot about herself. She’d been speaking with other people at Patty’s retreat, had been giving herself time to just think and sort things out, and she felt freer. But she also missed Nerd so damn much. She loved him, and walking away had been one of the hardest things she’d done, even after all she’d been through.
The note was just to tell Nerd she was doing well, that she was feeling as if the darkness she’d had inside of her, even some buried too deep for her to control, was going away. She told him she loved him, that she missed him, and not a day went by where she didn’t think about him. She also told him she’d be back, because she would.
She may never be truly healed, would always have her past as part of her life, but Hannah was making progress. She was here, doing this, because she wanted to be a better person and live a better life. She also did this for Nerd, because being with him made her a better person, and in the end being happy was what life was about.
She just hoped Nerd could see that what she’d done hadn’t been because she wanted to go, but because she had to do this not only for herself, but because she wanted to be healthy for him too.
Chapter Twenty-One
Weasel watched as Nerd carried mechanical parts that needed to be dumped to the truck, throwing them inside. For the past few months he’d been watching his friend spiral out of control, and even though he didn’t want to do it, he had no choice. No one else could either see nor care to interfere with Hannah and Nerd. Yes, they looked sweet together but he also saw how Hannah cringed away from Nerd. She needed the chance to heal, just as Nerd needed time away from her.
“Do you regret doing what you did?” Demon asked, coming to stand beside him.
“No. It had to be done.”
“He’s not been the same with you.”
“Well, that’s brothers for you. They don’t much care for what is good for them, do they.” Weasel shrugged. “How is Hannah doing?”
“From what Deanna tells me, she’s doing good. She’s getting better, and Patty has nothing but positive things to say.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Just because he’d pointed out the obvious to Hannah, he had hoped she’d take his advice and try to find the path that helped her to heal. Weasel doubted she’d ever be truly whole, but at least she was at a place within herself that was somewhat healed, she was better than what she was.
“He still keeps trying to hit you,” Demon said.
“In his eyes, I took away his girl, and he’s not going to forgive me. I hope when she comes back, he’ll forgive me.”
Weasel had accepted that. Even as Nerd spiraled out of control, Weasel knew he’d done the right thing and didn’t doubt himself for a second.
One of the reasons he was called Weasel was because he was able to weasel his way into situations that were really not his concern.
“I’m going to go out for a ride,” he said.
Grabbing his bike, he straddled his machine, loving the feel of it between his thighs. There was no way he’d ever be able to live without his bike. It was his pride and joy. Turning over the ignition, he fired his beauty up and without looking back, he rode on out of the clubhouse, heading for whatever piece of heaven he could find.
Hannah would be back, he was sure of it. When she did, another brother would be down.
Weasel wouldn’t admit it to his brothers but he was a little jealous of the connections they had all found with their partners. He’d witnessed the lust, followed by the love with Demon and Deanna. Joker’s fight over his feelings for Amy. Steel found his soulmate in Eloise. Then Shakes’ determination to claim Daniella. A woman he should never have gotten close to. Finally, Striker and Elena.
Each couple finding a love that was so strong they had stopped their whoring, drinking, and drugging ways.
Maybe one day, he’d find a woman for himself.
Shaking his head, he charged forward on the open road, looking forward to whatever future lay ahead for him.
Nerd wiped the sweat from his brow as he kept on digging up the turf outside the clubhouse. The back yard needed to be worked, and he’d rather be sweating outside than in. The club whores seemed determined to get to his dick, and he wasn’t interested in any of them. There was only one woman he wanted, and he’d do anything to be with her. Even if he never got a chance to be inside her, simply holding her was a fucking dream.
Grabbing the shovel, he started to dig up the earth. Last night he’d been flicking through the channels and settled on one about gardening. Yeah, gardening. Years of heavy drinking had messed with his head, seeing as he’d actually sat and watched the damn show. Then, he’d got to thinking. When Hannah finally came back to him, he wanted to show her something that he’d been doing while she was away. Something that could give her peace when she came out into the garden.
“You’re really going to do it?” Striker asked, coming out, holding a glass of lemonade. He’d told all of his brothers what his plan was. Instead of them ribbing him, they had accepted it. Also, he’d told them he was cutting out the drink. Hannah could turn up at any minute, and the last thing he wanted was to be purely dependent on the stuff.
“I’m really doing it. You here to take the piss?”
“Not at all. I think it’s amazing. Elena would like somewhere to go when the parties get a little much. How are you going to do this? You know nothing about gardening.”
“I may or may not have downloaded an entire gardening series, designed for sculpting a garden.”
“Seriously? Have you turned into an old man while I was asleep?”
“Nah, not at all. I’m thinking we can create a path that has flower borders, roses, daisies, along with plants that seem to drape down onto the path. Look, I’ve only watched a couple of episodes. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, but I’m heading out to the DIY store. I’m hoping to see what I’m looking for.”
“I’ll help,” Striker said.
“You don’t have to.”
“Hannah could come home any day. Don’t you want to be somewhat finished?”
Nodding reluctantly, he watched as Striker grabbed a shovel and started to dig.
A couple of hours later, Deanna came out, holding Ty in her arms. “Nerd,” she said. “There’s a letter for you.”
Frowning, he stood up and walked over to her. He wasn’t upset with Deanna for not telling him where Hannah was, because he’d come to terms with letting the love of his life find out what she needed in this world. He’d be here when she was ready.
“Is there anything you need?” she asked.
“A drink would be good, for both of us.”
“All right.”
Staring down at the letter, his heart started to pound. He recognized the writing sprawled on the front instantly, and he tore into it.
Dear Nerd,
I know it’s wrong for me to say this, but I miss you so much. I miss you more than anything in the world, which is why I know I need to do this. I need to be whole for you. I know you’re not happy with Weasel for doing what he did, but I am. There was a horrible darkness inside me. It was buried so deep, and it stopped me from being what you need, Nerd. You need a strong woman, a whole woman. I’m healing slowly, and I promise you, I’ll be back to you. Please don’t be angry or sad. I’m coming back. I’m healing the darkness that is there, and even if I’m not truly healed and will always carry the scars of my past, I want to be with you always. I love you so much.
I love you more than anything. I think about you every day, and those thoughts are what drive me. I want you, Nerd. I want to be the woman that sleeps beside you, holds your hand, and doesn’t tense when we make love. I want to be all I can for both of us.
&n
bsp; Wait for me, please.
You own my heart.
All my love.
Hannah. X
Yeah, he’d wait for her until the end of fucking time.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Several more weeks later
Breathing in and out slowly, Hannah focused on the stillness around her, on the fact all she heard were birds chirping, the wind rustling through the trees, and of the steady hum of peace inside of her.
She’d been at the retreat for weeks, and each day she felt herself become a little freer. She felt that pain inside of her start to make way to reasoning, to happiness within herself. She knew she’d never truly be healed, knew she’d always hold the scars of her past, of what she’d experienced deep inside of her. But she’d come to accept that, to accept who she was and what she’d endured.
“How are you feeling today?”
The sound of Patty right behind her had Hannah opening her eyes and turning around. She smiled at the other woman. “I am feeling good, peaceful.”
Patty smiled in return. “Good. I’ve seen a ton of change and growth in you within these few weeks, and I think your progress should be commended.”
Hannah smiled in return. “I never thought I could feel this way about myself and what happened. I just thought I’d always carry that burden with me, and it would inhibit anything I did.”
Patty came up to her and patted Hannah’s shoulder. “The rest of your life will be about continuing to heal. Even decades later you’ll still have that internal scar of what you went through, but you’ll be able to live with it, to be happy, and not let that darkness invade you.”
For the first time in her life Hannah felt the truth in that.
“I think your time here has come to an end.” Patty smiled. “I think this chapter in our life is closing, and now you’re able to go home and expand on your happiness.”
Home. That was where Nerd was. She felt that so far inside of her she knew it would never go away.