‘I— No,’ Beth refused. ‘I’m just going to finish up here and then call a taxi, but the two of you go ahead,’ she urged lightly.
He frowned darkly. ‘We haven’t finished talking, Beth.’
‘I think we’ve said all that needs to be said, don’t you?’ she dismissed.
Nick continued to look at her broodingly for several long seconds before he felt Bekka’s renewed tugging on his hand and allowed his daughter to pull him out into the hallway.
BETH SAT DOWN ON ONE OF the kitchen chairs as soon as she had finished talking to the taxi company and put the tumbet in the oven, very aware of her need to get away from here. Away from the cloyingly domestic atmosphere of just being here with Bekka and Nick. And the maelstrom of emotions that created inside her.
She had loved Ben so much—been devastated when he died. Her only way of coping with his loss, and that of her parents, had been to remove herself from the place where she had spent so many happy years with all of them. To move to London, a place where she could be assured of anonymity. A place where she could live quietly and privately, separate and apart from all emotional involvement.
Being here like this with Nick and Bekka had given Beth a painful glimpse of a life that she had long ago decided could no longer ever be hers. A full and happy life. A life that included a husband and children of her own.
After Ben had died Beth had told herself that if she never loved again, never had any of those things, then she could never be hurt again, either. Would never again have to go through the pain of losing someone she loved.
She realised now how foolish she had been to believe herself capable of shutting out all emotion. How stupid, how utterly, utterly stupid that belief had been, when just being here again with Nick and Bekka told her it was already too late—that without meaning to she had already allowed herself to care again. Not just for Bekka, but for Nick too.
To more than care for him…?
Beth shied away from admitting even to herself to feeling any more than attracted to him. If she didn’t acknowledge it, then perhaps it would just go away!
Just as Beth intended getting away from here, the moment her taxi arrived!
‘I told the taxi driver to wait outside.’
She spun round guiltily to face Nick, his eyes hooded as he stood in the kitchen doorway looking across at her. ‘Where’s Bekka?’ she prompted brightly.
‘Still listening to the carol singers.’
Beth nodded abruptly as she gave Paddy an absentminded pat on the head before picking up her handbag. ‘I’ll say goodbye to her on my way out.’
Nick frowned as he remained unmoving in the doorway. ‘We haven’t finished our conversation yet, Beth.’
She swallowed hard. ‘There’s nothing else to say.’
Nick crossed the room to stand in front of her. ‘Damn it, Beth, talk to me!’
‘My taxi is waiting—’
‘I instructed the driver to wait until you’re ready to leave,’ Nick told her.
Beth gave a pained frown. ‘I’ve done what you asked me to do and taken care of Bekka while you went to the hospital. I’ve even cooked dinner for both of you. I think the least you can do for me is to let me leave without fuss.’
His mouth firmed. ‘Run away, you mean?’
Beth gasped as the barb struck home. ‘That was uncalled-for, Nick!’
Yes, it had been, he acknowledged self-disgustedly. Uncalled-for and unnecessarily cruel. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Beth, I just—I want to help you,’ he encouraged gruffly as he reached out and grasped both her hands in his.
She drew in a ragged breath. ‘You can’t help me, Nick. No one can. Now, would you please just let me leave?’ she pleaded emotionally.
Nick could see that she was going to cry. He had managed to make Beth cry when all he’d wanted was to—
What? What did he want from her?
More to the point, what did he possibly have to give a woman like Beth? A woman who had been so hurt by life, by the loss of the husband and parents that she’d loved, that she had decided never to allow emotion into her life again.
As cynical as Nick’s own feelings were towards love, he knew he was the last person—the very last person—to give anyone advice on the subject!
Even so, it was hard to stand back and watch Beth as she left. To know that he had helped cause those unshed tears that glistened on her long dark lashes as she walked away from him…
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘NICK…?’ Beth felt the colour drain from her face as she answered the ringing of the doorbell to her apartment the following afternoon and found him standing outside in the hallway. ‘What have you done with Bekka?’ she asked as she realised Nick was alone.
‘Bekka is at home with Mrs Bennett,’ Nick supplied evenly, his grey gaze guarded.
‘She’s better?’
He nodded. ‘And wondering what all the fuss was about.’
‘That’s good.’ Beth nodded, trying not to notice how attractive Nick looked in a black cashmere sweater and black denims, his hair brushed back from the rugged handsomeness of his face. ‘What can I do for you?’ she queried brightly.
‘Inviting me in would be a good place to start…’
Beth gave a pained wince. She’d had plenty of time since yesterday evening to realise how completely she had let herself down during her last conversation with Nick. How much of herself, her vulnerability, she had revealed to him.
She gave a self-conscious grimace. ‘I was feeling a little—emotional yesterday evening. Christmas is always a difficult time of year, isn’t it?’ She attempted a laugh that didn’t quite come off. ‘I hope I didn’t embarrass you too much?’
‘Not at all,’ Nick dismissed smoothly.
‘That’s good.’ Beth nodded. ‘I don’t know what came over me,’ she added awkwardly as Nick continued to look down at her broodingly. ‘Don’t you…?’
‘No,’ she assured him sharply.
‘I really think you should invite me in, Beth,’ Nick added tensely.
‘I— Why?’ Her wariness deepened as the tension surrounding them increased.
Nick gave a derisive smile as he easily sensed that wariness. ‘Because it’s the polite thing to do?’
‘I think it’s a little late to worry about politeness between the two of us, don’t you?’ She hated to imagine what Miss Sheffield would say or do if she knew of the way Beth had spoken to the school’s ‘most influential parent’ this last week!
Nick’s decision to talk to Beth calmly, rationally, completely deserted him now that he was faced with the flesh and blood woman. Most of all the flesh!
She was wearing another overlarge jumper—red today—with fitted jeans, and Nick wanted nothing more than to take all her clothes off and explore the satiny flesh beneath
Beth’s eyes widened in alarm as Nick strode past her into her apartment. ‘I— But— You can’t just come here like this and expect to—’
Obviously he could just come here like this and expect to be allowed in!
Beth almost had to run to keep up with him as he walked forcefully down the hallway into her sitting room, his grey gaze taking in at a glance the sun-yellow walls and terracotta-coloured sofa and chair, and the small decorated Christmas tree in the window, with its half a dozen presents beneath, before he turned those piercing silver eyes on her.
Beth squirmed at the sensual warmth she could see in them. ‘You’re coming here really isn’t a good idea, Nick,’ she muttered desperately.
‘Tell me about it!’ he muttered.
She gave a baffled frown. ‘I don’t understand why you’ve bothered if you already know that…’
‘I’m here because I’m sick and tired of fighting my need to make love to you!’ he snapped.
She gasped at the starkness of Nick’s statement, even as she stared up searchingly into that sensually handsome face. ‘I…’ She moistened suddenly dry lips. ‘You are…?’
‘Oh, yes,’ Nick
breathed with feeling.
Beth swallowed hard. ‘And is this how it works? You come here and tell me you need to make love to me, and just expect me to acquiesce?’ Her voice rose indignantly.
‘Well…no. Not quite,’ Nick answered with slow mockery. ‘I’ve always thought of lovemaking as a two-way thing, Beth, and as such I would like you to make love to me too. But I’m happy to offer you any guidance you might need in that area if you feel you’re a little rusty,’ he added dryly.
‘’You’re happy to offer me guidance…’ Beth repeated incredulously. ‘I’m a biology teacher, Nick; I do know how a man’s body works. Plus I was married for three years!’
Nick was only too aware that Beth had been married. To a man she had obviously loved very much. And who had no doubt loved her.
It was a hard act to follow, and not something that Nick particularly relished. He wouldn’t even be contemplating it if he could have stayed away from her…
‘I’ve been honest about what I want, Beth. How about you give me that same honesty?’ he encouraged.
Beth moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue, very aware of the loud pounding of her heart, of the wild flutter of excitement she felt in her chest just being near Nick like this.
Being honest with Nick would mean admitting how being with him made her feel. How much Beth wanted to be with him. How much she wanted to have him touch her and be able to touch him in return.
Honesty to herself meant admitting all of those things—and something else. Something that even now Beth shied away from admitting even to herself.
She drew herself up determinedly. ‘Will you just think about what you’re saying, Nick?’ she reasoned heavily. ‘I’m your daughter’s teacher. Even if I wanted to I can’t just have an affair with the father of one of my pupils!’
‘I’m only interested in whether or not it is what you want.’
Did she want to have a relationship with this ruggedly handsome and exciting man? An affair no doubt brief, but for the time it lasted also intensely passionate?
Nick reached out and held the tops of Beth’s arms as he stared down at her intently. ‘We’re the only two that matter now, Beth,’ he insisted persuasively.
Beth stared up at him, knowing by his tension, by the fierce glitter of those grey eyes, that Nick was perfectly serious. That at this moment he wanted her—in his life and in his bed.
Flattering as it was to realise the depth of his desire, it wasn’t enough…
She gave a pained frown. ‘For how long, Nick? A few days? A week? Perhaps even a month? Or do you think one night would be enough? That once you’ve made love to me you would lose all interest?’
His mouth tightened. ‘Isn’t that a risk all couples take when they first get together?’
‘We aren’t a couple, Nick, and we never will be,’ Beth murmured regretfully.
He shook her slightly. ‘Your responses tell me that you want me just as much as I want you…’
‘I’m not denying it,’ she said softly; how could she deny something that must be obvious every time Nick so much as touched her? ‘It just isn’t enough for me, Nick.’
He put her away from him to thrust his hands into his pockets. ‘What more do you want from me, Beth? Hearts and flowers? Declarations of undying love? Promises of for ever?’ He gave a rueful shake of his head. ‘I’ve already told you that I’m not the man who can give you any of that.’
Beth had spent all of last night and most of today thinking about her earlier conversation with Nick, about what it was she wanted for her life.
It had been two years since Ben died. Two years. And without Beth even realising it she had begun to heal. To want more in her life than she had now.
Since leaving Nick yesterday Beth had realised exactly what she wanted for her future. She wanted what she’d had with Ben. Nothing less, and perhaps more.
She and Ben had grown up together, become young adults starting out on life together, and had intended growing old together. They had been best friends as well as husband and wife and lovers.
Anything less than that was unacceptable.
But meeting Nick this past week had shown Beth that she now wanted more than that. That she wanted excitement too. The pulse-racing and heady thrill of a certain man’s presence. The pleasure of just looking at him. The tingling arousal to be felt in his touch.
All of the things she had found in just being with Nick…
Tears misted her vision as she reached up to lay her fingers gently against the rigid hardness of his cheek. ‘I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, either, Nick.’
Nick didn’t want her pity, damn it! ‘You intend to just continue living the sterile and lonely life you have now?’
‘No,’ she answered huskily. ‘I’m hoping… Yesterday, seeing what it was like to be part of a family again, was painful for me. Talking to you about those feelings even more so. But it also helped me to realise that the only reason it was so painful is because I want those things again!’ Her eyes glowed deeply blue. ‘I want to fall in love again. To have someone love me. To have a husband and a family of my own.’
Great, Nick thought. Being with him and Bekka had helped Beth to know what she wanted out of life—and it sure as hell wasn’t him!
Accept it, Nick, and move on, he told himself.
That had always been Nick’s way in the past when things hadn’t gone as he’d wanted them to—in personal relationships and business. There had always been another woman, another business deal, to claim his interest. There would be this time, too.
In time…
He gave a disgusted shake of his head. ‘You do know you’re searching for an impossible dream?’
She eyed him ruefully. ‘I found it once, so why not again?’
‘Because you were twenty-one years old at the time and didn’t know any better!’ he reasoned in frustration.
Beth smiled. ‘I’m twenty-six years old now—and I’m glad I still don’t know any better!’ She laughed softly at his disgusted expression. ‘You’re a good man, Nick. I hope that one day—’
‘Please don’t wish love on me!’ He scowled darkly.
Her eyes glowed teasingly. ‘’Tis the season…’
‘Love is a myth, Beth!’ Nick rasped.
She gave a shake of her head. ‘That isn’t true. And, knowing that, I have to be true to myself rather than settle for less than I deserve.’
Less than she deserved…
Was that really how Beth saw him? As offering her less than she deserved?
If so, then she was right to turn him down!
Nick grimaced. ‘This is goodbye, then…?’
‘We’ll probably see each other at school occasionally…’
But not like this, Nick realised heavily. Beth would never allow them to be together like this again.
He sighed. ‘I hope you realise that our dopey dog is so besotted with you that he’s been moping around the house looking for you ever since you left yesterday?’
Beth laughed softly. ‘Paddy is a darling!’
‘With anyone else but you and Bekka he’s vicious and bad-tempered! Since Bekka adopted him I’ve had a fight at the door every night just to get into my own house!’
She smiled as she shook her head. ‘Paddy just needs you to understand him. To show him that he’s wanted and loved.’
Nick’s expression sharpened. ‘Beth, this elusive emotion called love isn’t the answer to everything!’
Her grimace was rueful. ‘Of course it isn’t,’ she accepted lightly. ‘I just know that I’m totally incapable of settling for anything less.’
Beth wanted the sort of love that Nick, even though he had been married to Janet for over seven years, had never felt for any woman…
That he wasn’t capable of feeling?
He frowned as he considered that was a distinct possibility. A possibility that meant Beth was leaving his life for good. ‘I truly wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
Beth.’ He gave a weary sigh. ‘I hope it brings you everything you wish for.’
‘You too,’ she said quietly.
Nick gave her one last, long, lingering glance before taking his leave.
Beth managed to maintain her composure for as long as it took Nick to quietly close the door behind him. Before the tears began to fall hotly down her cheeks.
Before she at last acknowledged—to herself, at least—that ‘something else’ she had realised since parting from Nick yesterday.
Not only was Nick the man who gave her a pulse-racing and heady thrill just being in his presence, who gave her pleasure just in looking at him, who filled her with tingling arousal just at a touch, but he was also the man she wanted as her best friend, her lover, and her husband.
Because she loved him.
And she knew there was no hope of Nick ever returning that love…
CHAPTER NINE
‘YOU may as well stop looking at me in that accusing way, Bekka; I’ve already told you—I can’t force Mrs Morgan into spending Christmas Day with us tomorrow!’ Nick said with impatience as he and his daughter sat at a small table playing a board game together, late the following afternoon.
As it was Christmas Eve, Nick had taken the day off, intending to spend the time with Bekka completing last-minute Christmas present-wrapping and generally having fun.
It hadn’t turned out that way. Far from it. Bekka’s cold was almost gone, but she had been tearful and upset since he had told her that Beth had decided not to join them for her birthday tomorrow.
‘I don’t want to play any more.’ Bekka pushed the board game away and stood up, tears glistening in her eyes as she looked at Nick. ‘I don’t know how you can even think of letting Mrs Morgan spend Christmas Day on her own!’
The problem was that Nick had thought of Beth far too much during the seventeen hours—and nine minutes!—since they had parted so finally the night before.
Thought of her. Ached for her. Ached for them both.
Because he couldn’t give her what she wanted.
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