by Lauren Dane
She wanted more than fucking. Which they had down. He wanted to drown in her every time they were together. There was something about her, something he’d liked from the first time she’d come into the loft toting an armful of stuff for him to deal with, something indefinable but utterly charming.
What needed to happen was she needed to be put safely back in the box marked friend. What she wanted could—would—bring the end of them. If he screwed it up, he could lose her. He froze at the idea of her not being in his life, but he couldn’t afford her anywhere else. Most especially not his heart.
He’d been an utter failure as a husband. He barely did a good job as a son. If he let this romantic entanglement with Wren continue he’d only end up hurting her. And getting hurt himself when she finally walked away to keep him from messing her up any further.
He called Kelsey once he’d gotten dressed and wandered back out into his studio space.
“I need you to stop giving deliveries to Wren.” There, he needed to just blurt it out.
Kelsey was silent so long he nearly said her name again to be sure they hadn’t been disconnected. Finally she spoke. “Why?”
“What’s it to you?”
“No. That’s not going to happen.”
“What’s not going to happen? You won’t give deliveries to anyone else? You can bring them then. Many assistants do that.”
“No, you’re not going to talk to me like that because you like Wren and you’re scared of it. Also, because I am too fabulous to let anyone bark at me like I’m a pet.”
He huffed, annoyed and unwillingly amused. She was fabulous, there was no denying it. She kept him in line, kept others at bay, including his crazy ex. She handled his agent and the rest of the people from the business side of his life and she was the reason he never forgot a birthday or an anniversary.
Also, she was scary when she needed to be. Like right then.
“I don’t plan to explain why I want someone else. I just do.”
“Well, I don’t plan to pretend I don’t know why. You’re scared.” She made a self-satisfied harrumph.
“I am not scared. I’m a grown man.”
“Which is why you shouldn’t be scared. But you are and you’re trying to push her back because Wren is the real deal and you can’t handle it.”
“I’m not interested in the real deal! Why would you think so? I am happy the way I am. She and I have a friendship. I care about her, which is why I need to put some distance between us. I don’t want her to do something silly like fall in love or expect more than I want to give. It’s best she gets the hint now. Then we can go back to being just friends in a few months. It’s for the best.”
“What if she gets fired for it? I mean her delivery service may not look so highly on a client saying he doesn’t want her delivering to him.”
He hadn’t thought of that. “Would she? Well for god’s sake don’t say it that way. Why would you say it that way? Nevermind that. Just hire her as usual, but you deliver things in her stead. They don’t need to know it. She needs the money until she finally sells. Has she heard from the agent?”
“Yes. But I’m not telling you anything. If you want to know, ask her yourself. I think you’re a dumb jerk for this.”
“For what? And why won’t you tell me?”
“For trying to put this false distance between you, so you can keep on with your stupid, empty liaisons with shallow bimbos when the real thing is right here under your nose. You can claim all you want you don’t want the real thing. But I know when you’re lying. As for the agent news? She just heard today. She and I had lunch when she got the call. But I’m not telling you what happened because you don’t get to be excited about the highs or give her a shoulder for the lows if you’re not in her life. I won’t let you toy with her that way. Make your mind up or she’ll find someone else. She’s gorgeous, talented, smart and has a great body. It’s not like she’ll be lonely if you want to keep being dumb.”
“She is my friend. I have no plans to stop that. She means something to me. But the other part can’t continue.”
“The fucking part?”
Dismayed, he made a sound, but of course Kelsey heard it.
“What? Oh, don’t make one of your mysterious Russian sounds at me, buddy. Do you think I can’t tell? Every time the two of you are together and I’m anywhere near I can feel the heat.”
He didn’t doubt they talked about it. That’s what women did. He knew Wren and Kelsey were close, more like sisters than cousins. “The physical part, yes. Can’t you see I’m doing her a favor? I’m trying to save her some hurt. I’m not permanent. I’m not the real deal the way she is.”
“What I can see is that you’re scared. Is it so awful, then?” Her tone softened. “Having someone who knows you better than anyone else? Someone who gets you, flaws and all, and is still there? You have enough fans, Gregori. You need more than that. And you so are the real deal. You just need to let yourself believe it. And realize she’s as perfect for you as you are for her.”
“You bring my deliveries from now on. I’m hanging up now.” And he did.
Wren rolled up to Kelsey’s building and headed up to her place. She’d grab the deliveries and to go Gregori’s. She’d made sure the last delivery of the day would be to him so she could share the news about her brand-new agent. And the celebration would be really nice.
“Yo.” She let herself inside to find Kelsey uncorking some champagne.
“Just in time. Come, sit, have some champagne so we can celebrate your news.”
“I just had a really awesome meeting with him.” After her earlier phone call when he’d offered her representation, they’d had coffee to talk about his plans to pitch her project. “He’s going to pitch it this coming week.”
She took the glass of champagne from Kelsey and they toasted. “To lots and lots of sales!”
“I’ll start with one.” She looked at the basket where her deliveries usually waited. “I’m so excited. I can’t wait to tell Gregori.”
Kelsey’s face fell. “Sit.”
“What? Is he all right? Did something happen to him?”
“He’s fine. Aside from being scared spitless because he cares about you so much. He wants me to deliver all his packages and stuff from now on.”
Wren sat back as hurt sliced through her. “What? We were just together two days ago. Everything was fine. He even asked me to sleep over.”
Kelsey shook her head. “He’s afraid. If he didn’t give a shit about you he’d have had sex with you and moved on without a backward glance. That’s his M.O., you know. He’d have sent you a pretty present of moderate expense and smiled distantly at you if he saw you again. When I suggested you might get fired for this, he freaked. Told me you needed the money and to be sure to keep hiring you but to deliver the stuff myself. He insists you’re friends but he can’t give more and risk losing that.”
“He’s dumb.”
Kelsey snorted a laugh. “I told him that, too. He didn’t even argue because he can’t. He is totally dumb. But he cares about you, Wren. A lot. I don’t think he knows what to do about it.”
“Like I’m anything similar to Prentiss? What the hell?”
“No, because you’re nothing like her.”
“He’s a lot of work.”
Kelsey nodded. “Yeah. So what’s your plan?”
“I’m too damned busy to have a plan. For god’s sake, if the man can’t be with me without me having to have a plan maybe he’s not worth it.”
Kelsey shrugged. “There’s that. How do you feel about him?”
She sighed. “What we have is not the same as what he’s had with other women. I know that. We have a connection.” She smiled, despite her annoyance at him. “He’s a good person with a big heart. He’s brilliant. He makes me laugh. I know him, Kels. I know him and I know he feels it, too. I also know he came up hard and he’s had to deal with a lot of people who only want things from him. That he would think
that of me makes me really sad.”
“He doesn’t. That’s why he’s trying to push you away. He knows how to handle those people. He can keep his distance and they can’t hurt him. But you’re different. You leave him vulnerable. He doesn’t do vulnerable very well. Prentiss tore him apart. He wanted her to be different, wanted his marriage to work. But you’re the woman he could be with. He doesn’t have to want it to be different, because it is different. You’re a smart cookie—you know this. Just admit it. I know he’s hurting you. I want to punch him in the stones for that part. But put that aside for a moment and really think about it. Be honest with yourself. And then tell me what your plan is because, Wren, you don’t give up.”
She groaned. “Why can’t this be easy?”
“Ha. I don’t think it’s supposed to be. And just think about all the ways you will be able to lord this over him once he finally admits it. The way I see it, this is a ‘get out of jail free’ card for years to come.”
“Deliver his packages for a while. Let’s see how he feels without me. Truthfully I’ve got enough to do right now. I can concentrate my delivery work on Fourth and Fifth for the courthouse and all the big firms anyway.”
“Well, he will continue to pay you for deliveries I’ll make instead of you. He needs that reminder. Plus, he’s being a dork.”
Wren shrugged. “Let’s give it a week or two and see where it lands.”
Where it landed her was totally miserable. Oh, sure she kept busy and it wasn’t as if she lacked for things to fill her time. She poured all her excess energy into finishing up her graphic novel. Which was a good way to do it because the “I’m not having sex” frustration lent itself to some awesome stuff on the page.
She went out with her friends more often, which was a good thing, of course. But it wasn’t him and damn it, she’d gotten used to the way things had been with Gregori.
It did help to know from Kelsey that he was utterly miserable, too. He asked about Wren in an attempt to be nonchalant but Kelsey refused to tell him anything and urged him to simply pick up the phone and ask Wren himself.
Apparently his work had gotten very dark. But maybe he’d decide he liked dark and then what? Annoyed at herself, Wren groaned and got up to stretch. Her wrists hurt, her back was cramped up and she really needed a break.
Deciding to get outside, she headed to Pike Place to grab the fixings for dinner. Zoe had been working lots of late hours and Wren was sure she could use something yummy to eat that didn’t originate from a box or a freezer bag.
The market was vibrant, full of people out on a Saturday morning, carrying loaves of bread, bags of produce and other locally produced goodies. It made her smile and part of her grump eased.
She’d been at a flower stall, putting together a bouquet she planned to take over to her moms’ house when she caught sight of his hair. She knew it was him right away. He twisted the spikes in a certain way. He was beautiful in his utter uniqueness. He wore sunglasses as he looked down at his phone a moment.
She paid and kept walking, knowing their paths would converge at some point. Especially if she made it that way.
Gregori felt her before he looked up to catch sight of Wren, her dark hair fluttering a little in the breeze. She’d worn it down. He liked it that way, liked the way her bangs seemed to frame her face.
She had on a T-shirt and jeans. Nothing fancy, but they highlighted the strength of her body and it gave him pause. Pause enough that the empty spot her absence had left in his life throbbed like a toothache.
She looked up from the flowers in her hands and their gazes locked.
“Hey, long time no see.”
“I…” What could he say? He hadn’t actually broken up with her. He’d just…stopped seeing her. Which he’d been feeling like shit over for weeks now. “How are you?”
“How do you think I am?”
He deserved that, he knew. He fisted his hand and shoved it in a pocket to keep from touching her.
“I don’t know, that’s why I asked.”
“You could have picked the phone up and asked me in person any number of times instead of making my cousin do your dirty work.”
“It’s best this way.”
Annoyance flashed across her face and he bit his lip to keep from smiling in response. He’d missed her so much.
“For who? How are you doing? Dating much?”
“I’m not dating anyone. Look, I’m sorry. I handled things all wrong. I want to be friends. I’ve missed you.”
“Friends. You want to be friends.” One of her brows slid up and he had to ruthlessly push back his desire to lean down and kiss it.
“Yes. I value our friendship. You mean a lot to me.”
“So much you dumped me via assistant.”
He scrubbed a hand over his beard, uncomfortable that she was so right. “Would you like to have lunch? We can catch up and you can fill me in on what’s going on with your agent search?”
“I have enough friends, Gregori. I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be more than that. I am more than that and you know it. This little game is pissing me off.”
“We can’t be more. It won’t work. Wouldn’t you rather be friends than nothing at all?”
The buzz of the crowd seemed so far away as he looked at her. As he realized he didn’t need to commit her features to memory because he already had. With his hands and his lips. He’d know her in a crowd. With his eyes closed.
“No. I’d rather be with a grown-up who can admit it when he feels deeply instead of retreating into toddlerhood. Can you really stand there and look me in the face and tell me you only want to be my friend?” She stepped closer to him, close enough that he smelled her skin. “Can you tell me your bed isn’t lonely? That you don’t miss me in your life? Tell me that, why don’t you?”
He willed the words. Telling himself that if he could just say them out loud they’d be true and she’d hear them and while it might hurt her in the short term, things would be better. They could go back to the way it was before. Before that kiss at Fixe. Before he’d bedded her in every way possible.
But they didn’t come. He couldn’t look her in the face and say things he knew were not true. He did miss her. His bed was empty. His life was empty. He stayed up too late. Spent far too many hours simply standing in front of a canvas. What he was finally churning out was dark, even for him.
“Did you sign with the agent or not?”
She sighed. “I did.”
He grinned, truly pleased for her. “That’s fabulous news. You should let me take you to dinner to celebrate.”
“I’m here because I just bought the ingredients to make dinner for Zoe. I promised my evening to her.”
“A drink then? Please?”
She stared at him a while as he wrestled back his need to touch her. “I’ll meet you at The Alibi Room in an hour. I need to take this all home.”
“I can give you a ride.”
“No thanks. I have my car. An hour.” She turned and walked away, toting her bags and crossing the street. He really didn’t like the sight of her walking away.
She should have said no. But he was her friend and he looked so good there. And, well, she wanted him to know what he was missing.
“You sure you know what you’re doing?” Kelsey asked when she’d spilled the whole story over the phone.
“Hell no. But he totally looked at my boobs. A lot. And he said please. I’m weak. I miss him.”
“He misses you, too. I can’t believe he said please. Okay, so here’s the thing, do not fuck him. I’m not kidding.”
She laughed as she brushed her hair. “We’re going to be in a bar, it’s not like there’ll even be an opportunity for that.”
“Don’t mock. You know exactly what I’m saying.”
“I do.” And she did. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, she totally did. But if he wanted back in her pants, he had to stop this silly business and admit they had a relationship. She wasn’
t angling for a declaration of love or forever devotion, though just in her head as she gave herself this little pep talk, she could admit she loved him.
She borrowed one of Zoe’s shirts. Snug with the perfect v neck. Her boobs looked fantastic. She glossed up her lips, tousled her hair just right and changed into her favorite jeans.
Wren wanted him back. And she would do her damnedest this side of humiliation to make that happen.
Which meant she walked into the Alibi Room an hour and five minutes later, looking awesome. Even for lunch on a weekend the place was plenty full. But he was tall and the only one with a Mohawk in the whole place so she headed in his direction.
He stood when she got to the table. She didn’t hug him though, instead she tipped her chin, hung up her bag and jacket and sat.
“I ordered some appetizers. I know you have dinner, but it’s a while away.”
When the server brought the food, Wren ordered a Moscow Mule. That way if she let him kiss her, she could blame it on the booze. And it wasn’t like she was going to let him back her against a wall, as the one outside was covered in disgusting gum people thought was a fun tourist stop.
“Tell me, then. About the agent.”
She ate some of the dip first, leaning forward with one arm under her boobs to give him an eyeful.
“I signed with him a few weeks ago. He said he waited to make me an offer of representation until he was reasonably sure he had a shot at selling me. He’s excited about me and about Jude. He pitched the project and right now two different publishers are looking at it.”
He grinned, holding his pint glass aloft. “Congratulations, that’s wonderful news.”
She sipped her drink. “It is, thank you.”
“How have you been otherwise?”
She just looked at him, beyond annoyed. “Is that even a real question? How do you think I’ve been?”
There went her cool demeanor, but what the hell?
Alabama Shakes’ “You Ain’t Alone” came on and she looked at him, wondering why she’d even thought she could play this when she loved him so much. God. She loved him.