by J. Benson
I looked up into his face, carefully studying his beautiful blue eyes. They sparkled more than usual. He was close to tears.
He sighed and bent to kiss the back of my hand. "I'm not going to let you go this easily... I won't. I'm not going to let you give up either. I'm going to be here, fighting just as hard as you are every step of the way. I'm going to be here because I'm not going to let you give up. You're strong and you're resilient. You're going to beat this." He added sternly.
Taylor looked up at me, and met my eyes again. This time I could see clearly the tears falling from his eyes, and sliding slowly down his cheek. The sight of him crying made my chest ache, and my heart shatter into tiny fragments. It hurt to breathe.
"Taylor..." I whispered, "Please don't make this any harder than it is..." I could feel the tears welling in my own eyes again.
"It can't be any harder than this." He replied, shaking his head slightly.
"It's only difficult because you're making it that way. And it's not going to get any easier from here. You have to move on. You just have to forget about me, you've only known me for a couple of months. Just go back to the way things were before you knew me..." I whispered.
"No, Emma. I can't do that. I won't." He shook his head.
"You can. Just try it." I sniffled, tears streaming down my cheeks again. Every muscle in my body felt heavy and numb at the same time. I felt broken and defeated, and having to have this conversation made it even harder.
Taylor caught my hand in his, squeezing tightly. "There is nothing that you could ever say to me that would make me leave you. Not now, not ever. I mean it. I'll always love you, and I'll always be here for you." He said sternly. "I love you and nothing--no person or illness--is ever going to change that."
"What if I stopped loving you?" I asked cautiously, intentionally looking away from him. I couldn't look into his beautiful crystal blue eyes and lie to him.
"Is that the truth? Can you look me in the eyes and honestly tell me you don't love me anymore?" He challenged.
I continued to look away from him, but his fingers tentatively reached out and drew my face back to his. I had no other option to look into his pain-stricken face. His blue eyes sparkled more than they usually did due to his tears.
I was suddenly reminded of how utterly sweet he had always been to me. How he reached out to me when I was lost, and took my hand. How he guided me back into a normal teenage life that I wanted so desperately, and hadn't realized I had missed until I had it back again. I remembered how he flew to New York to be with me while my mother led me on and broke my heart again. I remembered that he'd been there for me almost every second of every day since he met me, even when I was miserable and stubborn and I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve his love, but he gave it to me faithfully despite of everything.
"No..." I replied, choking up. "I can't tell you that.... I still love you... can't you see this is why I'm doing this?" I demanded, sobbing hard. "I'm pushing you away so you don't have to go through this with me! I don't want to drag you down over something that's going to end badly! I can't do that to you! Seeing someone go through cancer... it changes you. It eats away at a part of you until there's nothing left. And I... I can't do that to you, because someone as perfect and loving as you deserves better. You deserve better than me. You deserve more than I can give you." I cried in frustration.
I wasn't sure if my words were even intelligible. I was crying so hard, I could barely breathe and choke words out at the same time.
"Emma, you will get better." He swore.
"You can't know that!" I cried.
"I do," His hand tightened around mine, "Because I'm not going to let you go. I'm not going to give up on you, and I'm not going to let you give up either. And I know... I know in my heart that someone as sweet and perfect, and genuine as you... you can't die. You don't deserve it. You deserve the best. You deserve to grow old and be loved and to love other people..."
I sobbed loudly, raising my hands to my face. The IV in my hand burned as it pulled at my skin. But I hardly noticed. My heart was breaking all over again.
"Can't you see that I love you? And I'll love you no matter how sick you get. I'll always love you, no matter what." He said carefully, his voice just over a whisper.
I sobbed again. He climbed over the edge of the bed and curled up next to me, carefully. He took up surprisingly little room as he moved his arms around me and subtly buried his face against my throat. I could feel his hot wet tears staining the shoulder of my paper thin hospital gown.
"I love you too..." I whimpered, resting my cheek against his hair, and letting my tears fall freely there. "I don't want to lose you either."
His arms tightened almost painfully around my waist as he sniffled softly against my shoulder.
"I'm scared." I whispered, my voice trembling uncontrollably. "What if they put me out tomorrow and I never wake up?"
"Emma, you're going to get through this. I promise. I'll be here every step of the way, holding your hand, and making sure that you get through this." He swore. "I promise I'll do anything and everything I can. I promise I'll be there for you every second, every minute of every day. You have my word."
I drew in a deep breath, and wiped away my tears. Taylor reached for a box of tissues from the table beside the bed. He carefully dried my eyes for me.
I suddenly felt at peace with whatever was going to happen next, because Taylor would be with me. No matter what, just like he promised he would.
Turn the page for a sneak preview of the next book in the "Damaged Series"
Amazed
Prologue:
Love
It seems like all of the best songs are about love. Some of the best songs even contain love in the title. All You Need is Love, Love Me Tender, Love Me Do, and Can't Buy Me Love.
So how is it possible that I never believed it existed until Emma came into my life?
Sure, I'd been in relationships before. Most were short, ending badly. The longest had been with the most shallow and unbearable person alive.
But from the very moment I walked into that English classroom, filled with students, I knew there was something about Emma Hatfield. I couldn’t help but see only her.
She was dressed plainly, trying desperately to fade into the background. It was so cliché, but as soon as I laid eyes on her, it was like there was a beacon of light behind her, calling to me, begging for me to introduce myself to her. Someone so naturally beautiful could never fade into the background.
My brother asked me repeatedly, how it was possible to fall into something I hardly believed in. But she brought out the emotion in me.
It was so strong sometimes; it took my every strength I had to keep from drawing her to me and holding her tightly.
She had already experienced so much, more than some twice her age had.
Each time I put my arms around her the urge to protect her from everything was overwhelming. The urge burned so much my body ached. It was an impossible task considering how hurt she has already been. I was beginning to make it my own personal mission to keep her safe from anything that might hurt her or come between us.
The smallest thing she did restored my love for her. The way her hand timidly slips into mine. The way she chews her lips when she’s distracted or worried. How she stomps her foot when she gets frustrated. The faintest dimple that surfaces at the corner of her mouth when she smiles. Every little thing about her makes me love her more. Even I didn’t think it was possible.
And I knew—a part of me felt we both knew—that from the moment I kissed her and held her in my arms, I was never going to let her go.
No matter who—or what—tried to take her away from me.
Chapter One:
BEAUTIFUL EYES
I stood in the middle of the tiny hospital gift shop staring at a fridge door, not really seeing what was inside. There were five arrangements in the fridge, and they all looked the same to me. I was sure there were differences,
no matter how subtle. I simply couldn’t see them.
I was tired; I hadn’t slept in days. I was desperate to see Emma, but I knew I couldn’t go into her room empty handed.
“Can I help you with something?” The older woman behind the counter asked, glancing up from her crossword.
“Uhh… no… yeah… maybe.” I sighed. I was sounding like a complete idiot, but I was so tired I could barely think straight. “I need some flowers.”
“Well, I’m afraid the florist doesn’t come until later this afternoon, so all we have is these. They’re calla lilies.” She opened the fridge and removed a tall white glass vase, containing a dozen or more white flowers. They were tear-drop shaped with a little yellow thing sticking up from the center.
“Sold.” I said. They would have to do. I glanced around and saw a large brown stuffed bear sitting on a shelf above the cashier’s desk. “That too…” I paused before adding “Please.”
I removed my wallet from the back pocket of my jeans and handed over three twenty dollar bills. I hadn’t been paying attention to the prices, but it seemed like enough.
“Do you want me to wrap those, son?” The woman asked me. It took me a moment before I noticed that she was talking about the flowers.
“Uhh… no. They’re just going down the hall.” I mumbled.
“Are you visiting a friend? Family?” She asked.
“My girlfriend.” I answered, wanting to finish this conversation as quickly as possible.
She clicked her tongue. “So young!” She muttered as she was pressing buttons on the antique cash register.
I picked up the flowers, wanting to get out of the shop. “Can I take these now?” I asked, tucking the bear under my arm.
“Sure… um, your change…” She began.
I tapped a glass jar labeled ‘Donations to the Hospital.’ “Just put it in there.” I just wanted out of the conversation. I’d waited long enough; I wanted to see Emma. I felt finally ready for whatever state she was in.
I sauntered quickly out into the hall, past the cafeteria and up to the second floor. Emma’s room was at the end.
This was the first time I’d been able to see Emma since the night before her surgery. It had been nearly four days since I left her.
Seeing her cry the night before her surgery was a memory that was burned into my mind. She was undeniably scared about the impending surgery, more so than I was. The thought of possibly losing her was killing me, but I tried my best to comfort her and try to be brave for her sake.
Mrs. Hatfield had called to tell me that Emma was still asleep, but could accept visitors at last. She was busy trying to get everything set up for Emma’s return home and wouldn’t be able to come in for the evening. I took this as an opportunity to be alone with Emma.
I had left school before my last class, far too anxious to be with her. I couldn’t wait any longer. Awake or asleep, I needed to see her.
Emma’s door was open slightly, and I slowly pushed my way inside. The room was lit brightly; the blinds on the windows were open all the way.
The white walls, the light blue blanket and the white sheets made everything appear washed out. Even the small bedside table and the tiny dresser were made of pale wood. It took a moment for me to find my beautiful Emma in the room.
I moved toward the bed, carefully placing the flowers on the nightstand. I knew she was probably in a very deep sleep, but I didn’t want to risk waking her.
I carefully sat on the edge of the bed, placing the bear on her other side. I tucked it gently against her body.
I swallowed thickly, reaching out and lightly brushing my knuckles against her sullen cheek.
In three days—even if they had felt like ages to me—she had changed so much. Her hair was dull and limp around her face, tucked into a loose braid at the side of her face. Her skin was so pale it was almost transparent. Thin blue lines showed along her slender arms; the veins prominently showed through her hands, ending in an IV piercing her left hand. She had always been very tiny, but now she looked unbearably thin and frail.
“Oh, Emma…” I whispered.
More than I wanted to eat, sleep or breathe, I wanted to see her beautiful blue eyes again.
I leaned forward and lightly pressed my lips to her forehead, gently running my thumb across her cheek. Her skin was ashen and cold to the touch.
I was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. I glanced up suddenly to see a nurse standing in the doorway. “Can I come in?” She asked.
“Yeah, of course.” I moved off the bed carefully, sliding into the chair. I pulled the chair closer to the bed so I could be nearer to Emma.
The nurse checked the machines and I gently reached out and picked up Emma’s hand.
“Has she been awake at all?” I asked.
“Not that I know of.” The nurse answered gently and evenly. “Not according to her chart.”
I nodded dejectedly.
“But that’s not uncommon. She did have major brain surgery. It’s supposed to take a few days for the swelling to go down. She was also under some very heavy sedation.”
I nodded. “I just hope she wakes up soon.” I sighed, lightly stroking the back of her hand with my thumb.
“She probably will.” The nurse smiled warmly.
I watched the nurse test her blood pressure, using a big blue cuff. She adjusted the grey plastic thing on the index finger of Emma’s other hand, and checked the tube supplying the oxygen through her nose to make sure it was functioning.
“Is she okay? Everything is normal, right?” I asked worriedly.
The nurse smiled at me. “Everything is completely normal… you know, it might help if you talked to her. Some people think they can hear you, and it might help.”
I nodded; my eyes still on Emma. “Thanks.”
I waited until I heard the door close before I moved back onto the bed.
She looked like she was just in a very deep sleep, if she hadn’t been so thin and pale, she might have almost looked peaceful.
I debated on what I would say to her. I racked my brain for something to say, but the only thing that surfaced was the song I had been working on earlier.
I cleared my throat and softly began to sing to her, hoping she could at least hear me. I sang until I didn’t have anything left to sing.
When I ran out of verses, I stopped singing entirely. I was sure that Emma couldn’t hear me; I was probably wasting my breath.
I leaned down and lightly brushed my lips to her forehead. “Emma,” I whispered. “Please wake up… I miss you… so much… I just want to know you’re okay.” I murmured; my lips still against her skin.
I sighed softly. It was late, nearly nine. Hospital visiting hours had ended half an hour before, but one of the nurses suggested I could stay a little later, and sneak out through the exit near the ER. She had even suggested a machine where I could get a terrible cup of coffee.
It was late, and it didn’t seem like anything was going to change.
I decided that I needed to get some sleep, and perhaps Emma needed some more rest too. I squeezed her hand in mine.
“Emma, I think I’m going to head home now. It’s late, sweetie, and… and I’ll be back first thing in the morning, okay? The nurses are going to call me if you wake up and your grandmother and I will be here, as soon as we can, okay?”
I hesitated, almost expecting a response.
I sighed, leaning forward and lightly kissing her forehead. “I love you.” I murmured.
“Hmm…” Came a soft response.
I jerked back in alarm, half expecting the sound to have come from the machinery. My eyes quickly scanned everything, until my eyes finally landed on Emma.
Her eyelids fluttered and her free hand slowly moved up toward her face. Her fingers fell onto the tube running under her nose. Those same fingers closed around the plastic, prepared to pull it free.
“Oh, no you don’t.” I said quickly, taking her hand. “Not this time.”
Her eyes slowly opened and her eyes met mine. They were still the same beautiful blue, but somewhat less vibrant than I remembered. But it was Emma.
“Hey, sweetie.” I said softly, releasing one of her hands to lightly stroke her cheek.
Her eyes drifted closed slowly for an extended blink. “How long was I out?”
“Three of the longest days of my life.” I answered honestly.
“Hmm…” She mumbled, frowning deeply.
“The surgery went very well. They got the whole tumor and everything, and they said everything is healing nicely… “
Emma glanced to the side, “The flowers?”
“I brought them.” I admitted sheepishly.
“They’re beautiful.” She replied. “Thank you. It’s so sweet that you’re here, that’s enough. I don’t need flowers.”
I smiled. “No, but you definitely deserve them… I brought this too.” I reached over her and picked up the bear, placing it in her lap.
Emma blinked again. “You didn’t have to do that.” She lifted her hand, slowly moving it toward the bear. “It’s adorable. Thank you… can I have a kiss too?”
I grinned. “Absolutely.” I leaned forward and gently pressed my lips to hers.
“Thank you. For everything.” She pulled the bear closer to herself.
“Anytime, Emma.” I nodded. “How are you feeling?” I asked.
“Umm… tired… kind of heavy.”
I frowned. “Heavy?”
“Like… I can’t explain it. Kind of like I’ve been in a very deep sleep, and my arms and legs aren’t awake yet.”
I glanced down at her legs behind me. “Can you move?”