by Blythe Stone
“No,” she said. “It's not scary, it’s just weird.”
“Weird how?” I asked, surveying her.
“I dunno,” she said, groaning. “It’s just a little different than before. Things are a little less real. Like this dream. I’m in your imagination right now even though it’s really me.”
“Bizarre…” I muttered.
“Exactly,” she said.
“How did you do that thing in the lake?”
“I don’t know,” she chuckled. “I wanted you to see me and I think you were more open to it. This is gonna sound bad but it’s easier when you’re not totally conscious. I can be inside of you. I think I’m in between the living world and the other side. Sounds like a TV show or something. I just know I can get to you better when you’re relaxed. That’s why I could get in your head a lot when you were not really conscious. You needed to wake up though, Baby. I don’t know if I should even be here sometimes. Like, maybe I should let you move on and be happy because I don’t want you to just have dreams.”
“I was living today and you were with me,” I said. “I don’t think I could live without you, is that wrong?”
She couldn’t know how this felt. She got to be on the outside looking in. All I was doing was living without her, or so I thought.
“I definitely know I couldn’t be happy,” I said. “I’m not saying that to be loyal, baby. I love you. The world is a disaster without you and all I do is screw it up.”
I squeezed her tight. “The only way I could let you go is if you were in pain or if you were unhappy and you needed to move on. At least then I’d find happiness in knowing you were somewhere better. That’s the only other way. If you don’t like it where you are you have to leave me. You understand?”
It was hard to think about. I couldn’t ask her to stay if it was a bad place and she was fighting things.
“Where I am isn’t painful. The only pain I have is that I can’t be with you like I want. I can’t talk to you and feel you. I can hear you and watch you. I’m afraid I’ll just screw everything up more. I know I scared Nat and I don’t know how they’re going to feel about this. If you remember when you wake up tell Nat I’m sorry I hit her in the head. I didn’t mean to scare her. She wasn’t paying attention to me and I got frustrated.”
She leaned down and pressed her face into my chest and let her lips rest on my skin for a second before she turned her face so her cheek was where her lips had been.
“I don’t know how any of this works but I’m not in pain. I couldn’t even touch you or talk to you when you were awake till you weren’t catatonic anymore. I think we need to figure out a better way to communicate though. You can’t just carry a Ouija board with you everywhere. I guess we need your science brain,” she teased.
“I’m gonna learn how to meditate,” I said, eyes flaring. “I like you inside me. I want you inside me.”
She couldn’t know how much that was true.
“I’ll start doing research,” I said. “And we should start trying things, both of us. If you have any ideas at all tell me. And if I don’t remember, tell me with the dumb board. I don’t care, I’ll carry it everywhere. People already thought I was crazy, remember?”
I hugged myself to her and let myself feel her.
“I’ve only been awake for a week and look how much progress we’ve made.” When I mumbled in my dreams it felt more real than anything else. It was just like us before, when Reed was alive and we were living.
“There are too many things I’ve thought and wanted you to hear,” Reed confessed. “The minute I died, I was with you. I didn’t know what happened till you wouldn’t answer me and I couldn’t do anything with my body. Then you went to see me in the… morgue. I knew then, and maybe we were just always meant to be this way. We’re together no matter what. I’m glad Nat was there. She kept you alive. I’ll always love her for that.”
“I wish I knew you were still with me,” I said. It would’ve changed everything. For Reed, for me... For Nat… “I couldn’t live without you,” I said, tearing up. It was so true. I wasn’t living. “Your life is so unfair,” I recognized. “Maybe this is like some loophole. You have more power where you are. No one can touch you. And I might die but chances are I’ll be able to find you when I do. It’s like you’re in this safe space right now where nothing can get to you, nothing you don’t want there.” And boy did we both know Reed deserved a little of that. “And you can affect things here, little things… You affect me so much. I want to hear you when I can’t, please believe me. I know it must be hard.”
“I know you want to but it’s just how things are. Maybe I’ll get stronger. I’m afraid it’ll never be enough though. The last thing I want is to hurt you more than I already have.”
“You saved me,” I said. “When you were living… After you died… You being ripped from this world, that isn’t your fault. That wasn’t you hurting me. Being without you hurts me…”
“I can feel it when you hurt. When you realized it was me I could feel how happy you were. It’s kind of messed up that I know more about what’s going on in your head now than when I was alive.” She laughed and let out a sigh. “We would probably never fight now that I can really feel you and I won’t leave you unless you want me to, ever.”
I laughed through tears and kissed her. “Stay, please,” I begged. “We can work on it.”
“Okay,” she said, sniffing. “But you realize I’m not going to be able to stop myself from messing with Nat, right? Just a little.” She held up her hand with her index finger just a little apart from her thumb.
“What do you mean?!” I laughed.
“She was about to take a shower and Nora was trying to get her to relax and let her in but Nat just pushed her out again and I might have written the word pussy on the bathroom mirror in the condensation.”
“You are such an asshole,” I laughed.
“I know but I’m dead so I can’t exactly tell her to her face. The only advantage to all of this is my newfound ability to creep on people. Well, that and that you know I’m here.”
“You know, I like this,” I laughed. “It’s like we’ve switched places. I’m usually the stalker.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t mind switching with you as long as I can touch you. I’m not sorry about biting you on the ass either. You liked it,” she teased.
“I did like it,” I smiled, kissing her. “I missed you touching me.” I kept kissing her, I couldn’t stop.
“I’m probably going to wake up soon,” I pouted, knowing it.
My dreams weren’t usually super long and they were hardly ever this vivid. Reed was right, things were getting more powerful on her end. That gave me hope and joy. I was sure the stronger I became the stronger she would become too.
“Kiss me a little,” I begged.
She tugged me down to the ground and laid back so I’d fall on top of her. Soft kisses came next, passionate kisses. She knew I liked kissing best. It was one of those things she always mentioned and repeated to me.
“I’ll try to talk more when you wake up,” she whispered. Love-laced, soft lips and memories of better times flooded into my mind.
“I miss your voice,” I said, feeling her hands on my body and in my hair.
When I shifted again I coughed and my eyes opened.
“Op!” I heard Nora say.
“Shit,” I croaked out, it was a little darker in the real world. I shifted a bit and laid on my back to look up at her.
“Good dream?” She asked, looking down.
When I shut my eyes tight I could hear Reed whisper: Leah…
“Whoa!” Nora said, looking around.
My eyes popped open.
“Wait, did you hear that?”
“Um, yeah,” she said. “That was. Definitely, Reed.”
“It was,” I smiled, tugging the pillow over my face and squealing into it as I kicked my feet.
It wasn’t normal. I didn’t care. Nora had already poi
nted out my childishness earlier but I couldn’t be calmed.
Nora pulled the pillow out of my hands and threw it over the couch.
I looked up at her and pouted.
“Your hair moved a little in your sleep, I assume that was her?”
I nodded.
“K, just checking,” she said.
“Is Nat okay?” I wondered, staring up at my accidental good friend.
“I think she’s worn out,” Nora said. “Your mom’s coming down now. She wants to come see you.”
I felt a bit of heaviness on my chest and instead of scaring me it made me feel safe.
I blew air down at the space where I assumed Reed’s head was laying.
Nora moved her hand down to try and feel the air straight and then she adjusted her hand a few degrees up in the air.
“So freaky,” she said. “Is that her?”
“It is,” I said. We were playing with things, experimenting. A normal atmosphere wouldn’t resist like an invisible object was here.
Fate had given us time. We were trying to learn the rules, bend them.
“WHOA!” Nora said, moving a bit.
“Did she touch you?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Nora laughed. “By the way, dental records are positive.”
“I know,” I said, shutting my eyes and trying to feel Reed’s full weight on top of mine.
I felt a hand sliding up my torso beneath my shirt. It was Reed’s hand.
“Uh…” I moaned, unable to stop it.
“Okay, I didn’t think I’d ever have to say this but can you guys please not have sex on top of me.”
“Sorry,” I said, shifting off of Nora and turning around to lay the other way.
I had felt Reed’s fingers squeeze my boob before but now her hand wasn’t there.
“That was… Extremely erotic,” Nora laughed awkwardly.
“I’m starting to be able to feel her awake,” I said. I swallowed a little and tried to concentrate so that I could feel her again. To Nora I probably appeared a bit insane.
“I’m gonna make you that tea,” Nora said, getting up. “Don’t forget your mom’s coming.”
“I won’t,” I said, breathing cautiously.
Seeing my mom was about to be hard.
Once Nora left from my sight I felt both of Reed’s hands pushing down on my sides and pushing my shirt up.
“Fuck…” I barely spoke.
I was breathing so fast now. I felt like a small animal again.
“Is it working?” I heard her ask.
I shook my head and whispered: “yes.”
All the pressure was there and I was definitely awake in the real world. There were times before that felt this way, hours spent together on my bed, or even hers.
I could hear the sink running. Nora was probably filling the kettle.
“Do you want some veggies?” I heard Nora ask.
“Wha? Uh, yeah” I said, much louder than I’d been meaning to.
“You need to eat more,” Reed whispered. That sweet voice I missed, it meant everything now.
“I know,” I whispered back, emotional.
Keeping my eyes closed was helping. Maybe it was like a drug, that unconscious time. I had to fully awake before Reed could be felt all the way.
We’d never gotten to do this much before. This was insane, it was almost the same as…
I’d pulled my hands up without thinking and I could feel her body like it was real. I could feel her sides, her soft skin.
“Yes,” she said. I felt her hands on my hands, pulling them around her form.
I didn’t want to open my eyes. I thought if I did I might just lose us.
I felt her kissing my neck. My mouth opened just a bit and air escaped me shallowly. This was so fucking real.
I felt her fingers on my jaw bone and her tongue over my pulse. I was so fucking hers.
A loud thunk jarred my whole body into absolute wakefulness and my arms fell onto my body hard like they were super heavy as my eyes opened and I saw the plate of veggies that apparently had been set down on the table by my side.
“Shit,” I gasped, swallowing a second.
When I looked up Nora had been staring at me.
“You okay?” She asked.
“What? Oh, umm,” it took me a second to gather myself. It was like old times when Reed would get me worked up in public and I’d get these weird looks.
I took in a deep breath and sat up.
One of the carrots twitched a little on the plate and it made me smile as I took it and bit it hard. Reed wanted me to eat. What a fever dream, what an absolute dream.
The kettle started to whistle and Nora disappeared again.
I tucked my hair behind my ear and felt jumpy.
“You’re beautiful,” Reed whispered.
“I’m not,” I laughed, blushing.
I looked behind me to see if Nora had noticed me talking. She didn’t seem to be aware.
On instinct, I set my hand down in the air, in the place where Reed’s knee would usually be.
“Mmmm,” she hummed, and I squeezed as I felt her there.
“This is insane,” I said.
I moved my hand down her leg and felt her skin even though I couldn’t see it. Sense memory but it felt way more like reality to me.
My eyes were open. There appeared to be no Reed there.
Nora came back in the room and I took my hand back so it wouldn’t seem all misplaced.
“You are so jumpy right now,” Nora laughed.
She handed me a cup of tea and kissed my forehead before she left again for the kitchen.
“Need any sugar?”
“No thanks,” I said.
“You sure?” Reed whispered, fiendishly.
I felt her body lean into mine and I giggled as her lips tickled my neck.
“Now, eat more,” Reed said in my ear. She stopped kissing me until I ate a carrot and then I felt her lips again.
Nora came back and sat down.
“You look so crazy,” she laughed. “You’re like a psychopath.”
“Reed’s talking to me,” I said.
“K, well, I’m glad she’s whispering,” Nora laughed. “I’d leave you alone but Nat will get mad at me if I do.”
“Tell her that even though I’m not exactly alive I can still hear her and by the way we need to come up with some kind of warning system so I can yell at them if something happens. So.. Ya know... Nora can get some… If you know what I mean.”
Ridiculous.
“Oh, Reed wants us to have a warning system,” I said. “She also told me what happened in the bathroom,” I laughed.
“What, when?” Nora smiled queerly.
“You and Nat, when Nat went to shower and I was outside. Reed said you tried to relax her but Nat was a pussy. Reed’s word, not mine.”
“Well, that’s true,” Nora laughed, putting her tea down and just staring at me. “Ah, what kind of a warning system?” I think we shocked her a little.
“I think she means like a bell or something she can ring if I’m in trouble. You all can’t be watching me every second. It’s not really interesting for either of you.”
“I think Nat likes it,” Nora cocked an eyebrow and I stared.
“Apparently, Reed wants you to hookup,” I repeated.
“She would,” Nora chuckled. “Ya know, I didn’t realize how much I missed her until she started talking to you again. She’s really funny.”
I saw Nora stiffen a bit and it was almost like the hair on her neck and arms was standing up.
“What happened?” I asked.
“She talked to me,” Nora said.
“I like how it went from this impossible thing to something she could do to anyone. Maybe I should put her in check.”
“I’d like to see you try,” Nora said. It was funny though, Reed said the exact same thing and their voices sorta synced for a moment.
Nora and I both burst out laughing.
&nbs
p; “Maybe we’re on top of a hellmouth,” I teased. All those years watching Buffy was turning me soft.
“Maybe she just needed to know you were onboard in order to affect you.”
Nora was all about dissecting things, kinda like me.