by M. D. Cooper
It was incredible.
Never before had she felt so powerful. Not even when she won the Miss Universe crown, only a month before first contact was made. For a few weeks, she was the queen of the world as they knew it.
Then the world got much bigger, and her title meant nothing.
Today, she was the most powerful thing in the known universe. Today, her title meant something.
She grinned a grin similar to Jesi’s, so wide that her jaw smarted, and honed in on the oncoming ships. Katra released the plasma from her hands, and they burst in reds and yellows before her.
“Hahaha, that’s right, you’d better run!”
She ducked as a beam flew right above her, crashing into the ship and making it rock like a spider in its web. The gravity shifted again, but Katra was latched into her chair and wasn’t going anywhere.
She spun upwards and let out a stream of blasts. She wasn’t looking at Jesi’s work anymore, not while she was master of death. She blew up one of the small ships, which exploded with a computer rendered boom.
“Haha! Yes!” she screamed.
“Shut up and shoot!” Jesi shouted back.
“Hell yes!”
She pulled upwards, felt the chair shift and rotate under her weight, rocked once again as their ship took fire. She spun and let out blasts in rapid succession, attacking ships that were honing in.
There had to be at least five new ones coming in close, while the largest was connected to the ship and hard to get. Jesi seemed focused on that one, silent in her concentration. Katra took it upon herself to defend the ship as Jesi got shmuz done, trying to take out the five ships by herself, all at once.
And she was rocking it.
Blast after blast she shot, feeling more confident with every passing second. The ships were easy to destroy, and she took to them ferociously, bringing them down like death with a scythe.
“Hey there, hotty,” said Owaitt, with an oddly seductive voice, ”you going my way?”
“Get out of my way, droid!” a stranger shouted behind them. Katra’s heart froze into a single block of ice.
There was someone in the room.
“Keep him out, Owaitt!” screamed Jesi.
“What’s a sexy fellow like you doing in a dark place like this?” the droid purred. “Come with me, I know a much nicer place where we can…”
“Get out of my way!” the voice barked.
“You don’t want to go in there, it’s dark and smelly, and the women are so loud… wouldn’t you rather spend your next few minutes with me?”
Katra took out the last of the ships, but she wasn’t in a cheering mood. She may have destroyed the invaders, but there was a real, living, breathing threat right behind her.
And their service droid was doing the wrong kind of servicing.
“Katra!” Jesi shouted, “a little backup here?”
The pageant queen spun her chair around with impressive dexterity, rotating the head of her massive gun until she could see the parasite pirate ship peeking out from above the curvature of their bridge. Jesi’s own gun was on the other side, much better placed to take it out.
“I’m too close to use the plasma,” she said, “our ship’s shields are extending over it. Can you…”
“I don’t have a clear shot!” Katra tried to get in closer, to no avail. The bridge would blow if she tried anything at all.
“Froz!”
“I got the other ships – take down the shields!”
She didn’t know where the words were coming from, but she conjured them on her tongue as needed. Marcus, again, pulling strings without showing himself. Was he even there, or was it just her reflexes? Katra didn’t know, but she was thankful he was right.
Jesi slammed her hand on the shields, and the blue hue that surrounded the screens fizzled away. She let out a laugh of pure glee.
“No, don’t!” screamed the intruder from somewhere behind them.
“Don’t bother yourself with them,” intoned the droid, in an oddly sing-song voice.
And then, the pirate ship exploded.
The man behind them let out a wail like that of a dying cat. The intruding ship was nothing more but flame, quickly dying as the oxygen burned up. The star field ahead was full of debris, floating almost delicately before them.
“You frozzlers! That was my ship!”
“That’s why we blew it up, you frozzing frozzler!”
Katra let herself out of her seat, knowing full well that she had the upper hand now. Well, they did. Jesi had brought down the space pirate’s ship, and this one had no place to go. He would have to beg for pity to survive.
But of course, it couldn’t be that easy. Standing before her, clutching his head in his hands, was Yorick.
“What have you done?” he sobbed.
Ah, well. Katra had thought his beard was suitable for a pirate. She was more right then than she could possibly know.
CHAPTER 5:
Well, things have gone better than expected
“Chin up, dumb bolts,” said Jesi, seeming for all intents and purposes to have walked right out of the kitchen, not a gunfight. “You were trying to kill us.”
“No, I frozzing wasn’t!” the traitor snarled. He removed his hands from around his cranium, leveling a bright silver gun at Jesi’s head. She didn’t flinch.
“You can…” Owaitt started, before freezing with his fingers tentatively on Yorick’s muscular arm. His eyes glazed over and went dark, the android switching off mid sentence.
“What the—” Katra started, as Yorick gently removed the droid’s arm from his before shoving him away. Owaitt crumpled to the floor like a rag doll, lost and forgotten at the fair.
“He ran out of words,” Yorick said casually. “Strange. I didn’t think he was that kind of service droid.”
“You told me he was a janitor,” Jesi insisted.
“Well, he didn’t exactly have the time to tell me. Ran out of words right after an introduction. Absolutely awful memory. You’d think for a droid of his kind, he’d need to say a bit more.”
“You’d think,” Jesi agreed.
“Wait, the froz? Why are we talking about a low-grade sexbot when you blew up my frozzing ship?”
“Because no one cares about your ship. It was stupid and ugly, just like you.”
“Takes one to know one.”
“You’re trying to rob a dislocation vehicle,” Jesi laughed, “we literally have nothing but complimentary foil! How much stupider can one get?”
“I wasn’t trying to rob you!” he spat. The man was sweating profusely, beads of water trickling down his head, which he wiped right into his hair in one swift move.
“Then why the froz did you send a fleet of pirates after us?”
“Because I had an offer! Look, I’ve been looking for Katra for years. I wasn’t going to just come over and talk to you both without a backup plan.”
“And by backup, you mean half a dozen death ships.”
“I really needed to talk, alright?”
“Wait, with me?” Katra’s eyes went wide. She could feel them popping out of her skull, and had to rub them back in with the palms of her hands.
“Yes, you.”
“Ok, this makes no sense.”
And with that, she threw herself back on the floor, staring up at the ceiling like a beached whale.
“What are you…”
“Shhh,” she spat. “This is all a dream. It’s obvious now! It’s a dream brought on by the cryogenic pod. I just got strapped in and my mind started hallucinating the worst. Imagining I show up late. That Earth as I know it is gone. Everyone I ever knew or loved is dead. My own fiancé isn’t here to reassure me. And now, space pirates, sexbots, and a loony nine-year-old are trying to convince me of… I’m not sure exactly, but my subconscious is obviously trying to work something quite big out.”
“Did you eat cheese before getting into the pod?” Jesi asked, “That can mess with things in there.”
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“Don’t encourage this,” Yorick snapped. “Katra, I can assure you, this is all very, very real.”
“And everyone I knew is dead.”
“Yeah, but you know us now,” Jesi offered, “and apparently neither one of us wants to kill you. Even if we’d like to kill each other.”
“That’s reassuring.”
“Look, Katra, sit up,” Yorick ordered, “I definitely don’t want you dead. Jesi, though, you destroyed my ship, so you definitely deserve a death or two. Apparently, you don’t stay dead for long.”
“My defining feature,” she said, slapping her hollow belly, “Always a child at heart.”
“You’re abusing the frozzing system!”
“Says the pirate.”
“Look, you just killed my entire crew,” the pirate snarled, “I have a right to be angry.”
“I never said you didn’t,” she replied, “But I was only defending myself. Don’t kick a Syrillian nest if you’re not ready to be eaten alive.”
“Can we skip to the part where you’re a pirate?” Katra asked, propping herself up on her elbows.
“A pirate captain, thank you very much.” The man gave her a curt bow. “Captain Yorick Asbestos Adamou of the – never mind, that ship is dead. What’s our ship called?”
“The Super-Mega-Fun-Ride,” Jesi suggested.
“Is it really?”
“The planet’s branding is quite extensive,” she said, shrugging. “I take it you’re not from the planet formerly known as Megadeath?”
“Earth?” Katra added, for good measure.
“Nah, I’m a space boy,” he grinned. But the grin was quickly replaced with his exasperated angry snarl.
“I thought the ship was called Beyoncé?” asked Katra.
“Shut up!” Jesi snapped at the pageant queen, “he’s not supposed to know that!”
“Thank you, Katra.” The captain grinned. “In any case. I am now Captain Yorick of the… great vessel Beyoncé. I claim it by name-right.”
“Who died and made you my boss?” scoffed Jesi. “Your ship is gone, doesn’t make you master of this one.”
“I’m a frozzing pirate captain, and this is my ship,” said Yorick, “as we speak, the few of my men who remain are taking over all corners of this vessel. We outnumber you five to one.”
“So, you have ten people,” said Jesi, “Katra alone took down three. And you should see how many I scattered through this ship. Beyoncé is mine.”
“Yes, I saw the aftermath of your so-called self-defense,” Yorick’s snarl somehow grew, doubling in size. No mouth should be that flexible, Katra found herself thinking. What else could it do? “All I wanted was to talk to Katra.”
“You can talk in front of me,” Jesi said, “I don’t bite.”
“You destroyed my ship! Killed my crew! How many times do I have to tell you? I’m holding myself back from murdering you right now!”
“Then why haven’t you?”
“I…” he stammered. “You know what? Froz this.”
He lunged at Jesi, his hands going straight for her neck. Out of reflex – Marcus’s reflexes, not her own – rather than any asserted loyalty, Katra swung her body between the two, bringing an arm crashing into Yorick’s windpipe.
“If you needed to talk to me, you should have done so without a full blown assault,” she spat. Thanks for the backup, Marcus. “But if you still have something to say, you say it in front of Jesi.”
“Fine, then,” he said, stepping backward and brushing off the sleeve of his tracksuit, despite it being immaculate. “Katra. You’re from Earth, thirteen thousand years ago. Your planet wasn’t yet influenced by the council of twelve. You never saw the raptor invasion.”
“There was a raptor invasion?”
“Exactly.” Yorick nodded fervently. “Katra, have you heard of the ancient, lost city of… Atlanta?”
“Atlantis? That was only a myth, even for me.”
“No, Atlanta.”
“You mean… Georgia, sweet tea, soul food Atlanta? The big airport?”
“Yes. And the Queen of the Formerly United Kingdoms?”
“You lost me.”
“Please tell me the queen had taken up her refugee status there during your lifetime?”
“Which queen?”
“Charlotte of England,” he said, “After England was invaded by the Scottish and she had Buckingham Palace transported to Atlanta.”
“No, I wasn’t there for that.”
“But you know of the mighty Airport of Atlanta?”
“I guess?” Katra paused for a second. The man sounded insane – heck, he looked insane, with that wild gleam in his eyes, the green so vibrant it could have spawned life on Mars. Unless Mars already had life. It had been a long nap for Katra.
Even if she didn’t know about the airport, she would have told him the same thing. She had to save her own skin, after all: her perfect, blemishless skin.
“I flew through it quite a few times,” she said, forcing pride into her voice to mask the terror. “Yeah. I know where it is.”
At that, Yorick’s face burst into light. He beamed like he was the sun, and maybe Katra was another sun: just a whole lot of brightness.
“Perfect! Then all this was not for nothing – we’re going to find the lost treasure of Atlanta!”
“I don’t know what gave you that idea,” said Jesi.
As the pirate had been distracted, Jesi had made her way behind him and stripped him of his second gun, which she jabbed under his rib cage seeing as she was too short to reach his head.
“I told you, I’m the captain here,” she snapped, “which means, you are at my mercy. So drop the weapon and let us kill you in peace.”
Yorick dropped, dodged, and spun, but he was too slow. Jesi leapt into the air, striking him smack in the middle of his forehead with her tiny foot. He fell backward, his head landing on Owaitt’s belly, the droid cushioning his fall.
The man was winded, but he hopped back up to his feet, only now Katra’s reflexes – not that they were actually hers to begin with – kicked in. She lunged at him, toppling him over, the man was pinned on the floor between her legs, looking up at her with complete astonishment and awe.
Katra felt her knees wobble. It wasn’t every day you had someone look up at you like that. Especially not from between your legs.
“What are you waiting for?” Jesi shouted. “Shoot him! Punch him! Rip his throat out with your teeth! Do it for your ancient god, the Easter Bunny!”
“The what now?” Katra asked, perplexed, but realized that she didn’t care to know.
She looked down at the man, at the soft brown skin and silky black hair that came away from his scalp like a breeze. The body beneath hers was firm and sturdy, and oh-so-warm. His hand rested gently on her calf, not moving, only resting.
“Jesi,” she said, looking back at the small girl, who now clutched two pistols and had them aimed right at Yorick’s handsome face. “Jesi, I think we might have something here.”
“What?” the girl spat. “Don’t let the good looks distract you. He isn’t any stud. He’s a traitor!”
“Look, you said it yourself, we have nothing to our name,” Katra continued, “We’re heading back to a planet that has forgotten both of us. It’s not the planet I left, and I doubt it’s the one you once knew, either. Hell, you don’t even want to go back there.”
“Be like a pencil, and get to the point.”
“My point? My point is…” Katra let out a heavy sigh, then released the pressure on her legs. Yorick inhaled sharply. “Maybe I don’t want to go back there. Not to live. Not in any official capacity. I don’t want to meet the dislocation officers and fit into a place I will never call home. I don’t want to belong to FunCorp! Or work for them for my entire life, for that matter! Maybe we could both do with some buried treasure.”
Yorick extracted himself from underneath Katra’s legs, pushing himself towards the back wall, but keeping his hands up.
He didn’t want to fight, either.
Jesi kept one gun riveted on his head, the other one slowly peeling off and pointing at Katra. The pageant queen quickly put her hands up.
“Come on, Jesi,” she begged. “Jesipax? Please, wouldn’t you want to be rich? If I can find the airport, and Yorick can find the treasure, then the three of us will be set for life. I know the crown jewels from England, and they were the most valuable jewels in the world. Imagine how much they would be worth now, being ancient artifacts on top of it all?”
Jesi’s arm quivered, but she said nothing.
“You can be captain,” Katra added, grinning, “You can be our pirate captain. And after this, we’ll all be rich enough to go our separate ways, never to see each other again. If that’s what we want.”
“So you’re voting that we don’t kill the pirate,” the girl finally spoke, her mouth dry. “Even after he barfs up the location of the treasure?”
“It goes without saying that I’m not telling you where the treasure is if you’re going to frozzing kill me?”
“He has a point, you know.” Katra stared at Jesi, begging, pleading with her eyes. Keep this man alive. At last, the girl relented.
“Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes so wide they would have won a hula-hooping contest, “but I’m not just sparing him because you’re horny. He’s your problem, and the two of you better get me some gold, because I am frozzing starving. If this works, I’ll never have to set foot on that wretched planet again. So don’t you dare fail me.”
Katra glanced at Yorick, her heart pounding, He gave her a curt nod, then turned to stare at the girl: he couldn’t see the point of a red laser right between his eyes, but Katra was sure he felt it. It was hard to ignore the gun that was right in his face.
“If you promise not to kill me, then I won’t put up a fight,” he said, “after all, I am at your mercy. You have killed my entire crew. Every one of my friends. I have nothing else to live for but myself.”
Jesi, surprisingly, said nothing. Her eyes rose above Yorick’s head, fading away, so focused on her distraction that the red dot slipped from Yorick’s brows to his cheek. He could have taken the opportunity to slip away, to fight.