by M. D. Cooper
Stick cocked an ear forward. “Sounds like… ‘Can you pick up Centaurees takeout tonight’.”
Lashes snorted. “Pretty sure that’s not what he’s saying.”
“Spread out,” Ramsey ordered. “I’ll take the center.”
The team crept through the eerily still glade—well, still except for Ronnie’s grunting. Stick was on the left, Lashes on the right, and Ramsey was approaching the long table in the center. BAMF hung back, ready to assist whoever needed a hand…or a head butt.
Lashes watched with a smile playing on her lips as Ramsey reached the foot of the table.
Any moment now…
Then it happened. With a flash of light and a loud popping sound, a dozen figures appeared around the table, all shouting, ‘Surprise!’
Ramsey started, and unloaded his handgun’s magazine into the closest figure: a white rabbit with a monocle. The weapon’s report sounded like a ballistic weapon should, but all that came out of the barrel were flower petals.
Everyone fell silent, and the rabbit checked himself over, sighing. “This is what I get for not being late! Damn, that scared the crap out of me!”
Sure enough, a pile of small brown balls rested under the rabbit.
“Me too!” Vivia said, suddenly reappearing above them all. “I wasn’t certain I could pull that off!”
“What’s going on here?” Ramsey asked, looking perplexed. “Who are all of you? Who captured Ronnie, and where are the missing people?”
Ronnie reached up and pulled the gag from his mouth. “Hi, Ramsey! This is a surprise birthday party. Happy 50th!”
“But I’m fifty-one,” Ramsey scowled. “And it’s not my birthday.”
“Yeah,” Lashes said she approached. “But it’s really hard to book this place. We missed two scheduled appointments because of different missions. Eventually, Ronnie and I decided to just turn this into a mission with the disappearances.”
“What?” Ramsey asked. “You’re in on this, too?”
Lashes nodded with a fangy grin. “Yup! Happy birthday, Colonel.”
“OK, OK, let’s get some grub,” one of the people who had appeared said. He was a short man with a very large hat, and Lashes assumed that he must have been the Crazy Hat Guy who owned the Millinery.
All manner of small creatures appeared with platters of food, and set them down on the table. They started to eat and laugh about the journey through The Dark Forest™; everyone except for a young woman in a blue dress, who seemed to think the party was for her. No one could get her to shut up, until finally the white rabbit gave her a handful of red and blue pills.
The girl lifted them all to her mouth and—just as the rabbit cried out, “No, just one!”—dumped them all in.
“Get back!” The rabbit yelled as the girl began to grow in size, almost knocking the table over before she shrunk down to the size of a pea. The process repeated several times before the girl settled on a middling height, then grew rounder until she was a perfect circle with only a head, hands and feet poking out.
“Is she dead?” Stick asked, as she walked over to the girl and poked her.
“Oh, no,” the White Rabbit said. “But she’s not ripe yet,”
Lashes saw that the girl had begun to turn a light shade of purple, and a troop of little green men approached, singing a song about tubas and lupins.
“What the fuck are those?” BAMF asked. “I don’t want any dwarves here!”
No one replied as the green men gathered around the girl, and rolled her out of the glade. When they were gone, the Crazy Hat Guy spoke.
“Well, now that she’s gone to get juiced, let’s get back to the feast!”
Everyone settled down and began to dig in, trying to forget the strange sight.
“So, this was all part of the plan?” Ramsey asked as he piled a helping of meat and pastries onto his plate.
“Yup…well, mostly,” Lashes said as she sipped her glass of blood. She didn’t know what kind of blood it was, and didn’t want to ask, either. “Ronnie did most of the work; I just had to get you here.”
“And what work it was! They were gonna kick you out for stealing the carriage…and getting into fights in The Royal Palace™, but since Kong kept you in line—‘til you got to the forest, at least—they let you stay,” Ronnie said around a mouthful of green jelly.
“And you becoming a vampire, and Stick becoming The Cat Woman?” Ramsey asked. “That was a part of the plan, too?”
“Well…there’s no accounting for what Stick gets into,” Lashes said with a sigh. “But becoming a vampire was certainly not any part of what I had in mind.”
“What about the card-bandits?” Ramsey asked. “That was a bit on the intense side. That seemed a bit out of character for this place.”
As he spoke, the cake was brought out by a large shaggy bear, who pushed aside the plates in front of Ramsey, and began singing “Happy beeeerthduy to eeewww” without prompting.
The gathering awkwardly joined in, and Ramsey was about to blow out the candles, when the flying monkeys descended through the trees.
EVICTED
“I should have known it was you guys,” the Chief Monkey said as he settled on the table.
“Uh…most of us are girls,” Stick said with a raised hand. “Well…I’m a woman; The Cat Woman™.”
“Not now, Stick,” Lashes admonished.
The monkeys chittered angrily, and everyone grew silent—except the rabbit, who muttered something about needing to start being exceptionally late.
“I have reports of you attacking The Fearsome Bandits™ of The Dark Forest™,” the Chief Monkey said. “Is that true?”
“Nope,” Ramsey replied with a shake of his head. “We fought with the ‘Greatly Feared Bandits’.”
“Same outfit,” the monkey said with a grunt. “They like to change up their adverbs and adjectives. Highly inconsistent bunch.”
Ramsey nodded. “OK, you got us. But they’re bandits—they did the attacking. We were just on our way here for…this delightful party.”
“And the gunfire we heard?” the monkey asked.
“Fireworks,” Lashes responded.
The monkey nodded and stroked his chin. “Vivia? Can you confirm these events?”
Vivia fluttered to and fro above the gathering. “Well…Mr. Ramsey did shoot first—”
“And he shot at me, too!” the White Rabbit exclaimed. “I pooped! The evidence is still over there.”
One of the monkeys whispered in the Chief Monkey’s ear, and his expression grew even more grave. “Great, now we’re going to be hunting vampire cards in The Dark Forest™ for weeks. That’s it; I’ve had enough of all you. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave The Disknee World™.”
Lashes felt bad about what she had done to the poor cards, though a part of her was glad that her brood was growing. However, she pushed those thoughts away and exclaimed, “What! We haven’t even had cake yet. I’ve been planning this forever! Do I get a refund? You can’t just—”
“Vivia,” the Chief Monkey looked up at the fluttering pixie. “Bop them.”
Vivia sighed and waved her wand, uttering a dejected-sounding “Bop.”
There was a flash of light, and suddenly the team was back at the edge of Neverevereverland™, in the clearing where the Van rested. The group of dwarves was still there, sleeping in hammocks next to the ship, which now sported a bright pink stripe where its red one used to be.
“What the hell?!” BAMF roared, rushing toward the dwarves.
“BAMF!” Lashes called out, and the dwarves woke up in a hurry, making a break for the tree line with BAMF in close pursuit.
“So that’s it?” Ramsey asked. “Take out a few cards that are attacking you, and you get kicked out?”
“Well, they are people…” Vivia tittered nervously. “It’s going to take a lot of tape and papier-mâché to put them back together.”
“What about us?” Lashes asked, gesturing at Stick
and herself. “How long will it take for the Fairly Goodmother to turn us back?”
“It shouldn’t take long. I’ll go get her.” Vivia disappeared in a flash, and Lashes let out a long sigh.
“I can’t believe we got kicked off The Disknee World™.”
“Well, maybe if you’d told me that it was all for fun, I wouldn’t have taken out those cards,” Ramsey replied. “I must say, however, it’s been a crazy day and half.”
“Well, those cards weren’t supposed to be part of the deal. I think they really do have some problems down there,” Lashes replied.
“Oh dear, oh dear,” Vivia said as she reappeared. “The Fairly Goodmother says that she’s off for the day now and can’t turn you back ‘til tomorrow.”
“But…but…” Lashes stuttered.
“Turn me back to what?” Stick asked. “I am The Cat Woman™.”
Vivia nodded at Stick. “Yeah, she said that about you, too. Something about not being able to turn you back, even if she wanted to.”
“But what am I supposed to do?” Lashes asked. “I can’t go back into the real world as a vampire!”
“Well, there’s nothing I can do about it,” Vivia said. “You’re just going to have to work it out. The Fairly Goodmother said you’d turn back when you learned your Important Lesson™.”
“What lesson?!” Lashes shrieked. “Turn me back, NOW!”
Vivia smiled apologetically. “Sorry, I can’t do that. My magic doesn’t work against Fairly Goodmother magic. OK, I have to go now; you’d best head out, too. Your belongings are already on your ship.”
“C’mon, Lashes,” Ramsey said as he walked toward the ship’s airlock. “Time to go. Girl probably misses us, anyway.”
“I’ll get the engines warrrmed up,” Stick purred as she slinked through the airlock.
Lashes took another look at Vivia, who was still fluttering about, and then looked at Ramsey. “But Raaahmseey, I can’t go through life as a vampire. And the costume…it doesn’t come off! I haven’t had to go to the bathroom since I got turned into this. What if I have some sort of blockage?”
Ramsey shrugged. “Could be worse—you could have ended up with the cut-offs-and-sweater costume. Catsuit looks good on you, even if it is paired with that silly yellow coat.”
Suddenly a scream echoed through the glade, and BAMF came tearing out of the trees. Behind her, the forest shook and the ground trembled.
“Go go go go GO!” BAMF shrieked in terror as Kong burst from the trees.
Lashes and Ramsey barely beat BAMF into the ship, and the colonel slammed his fist against the ‘emergency close’ button.
She felt the ship lurch into the air, and pulled up an exterior feed on the wall. Below them, Kong lunged at the Van, nearly catching the landing gear in his fist.
“Stars, that was close,” Lashes said as she collapsed against the bulkhead.
“You’re telling me,” BAMF gasped. “Those dwarves were readying a catapult out there, too.”
* * * * *
Five minutes later, the team was assembled on the bridge, watching The Disknee World™ grow smaller behind them.
Ramsey took a bite of a fresh carrot and chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “I have to say, that may have been the craziest, weirdest, best birthday ever.”
Lashes couldn’t help but notice that he stood on the far side of the bridge, away from her, eyeing her as he spoke.
“Oh, please,” Lashes snorted. “I’m not going to bite you.”
“It’s impressive,” BAMF said as she leaned in close and peered at Lashes. “How they changed your cellular makeup so effortlessly—they must have, since no holo overlay would work here. Either they really do have magic, or that place has the most advanced tech in the galaxy.”
“I’ll vote for advanced tech; they teleported us, for starssakes,” Ramsey said.
“I wonder if maybe it will wear off on its own in a day or so,” Lashes moaned softy. “We were supposed to leave in two days; that must be when I’ll revert.”
“I’m not reverting,” Stick said as she shifted in her seat. “Which means I need to cut a tail hole in this seat.”
“Do you really think so, Stick?” Ramsey asked. “I have to admit, having you as more of a combat-ready participant on our missions would be helpful. It’s also nice that you don’t fall down in your heels as often.”
“Colonel, I don’t know who this ‘Stick’ person is you keep speaking about. I’m The Cat Woman™.”
“Cat-Fool is more like,” BAMF said.
“Can we maybe call you something like ‘Kitty’?” Lashes asked. “The Cat Woman™ is quite the mouthful. Plus, if I have to say ‘TM’ one more time, I’m going to bite someone.”
“Sure,” Kitty replied. “So long as I can call you ‘Vampy’.”
“Fine, whatever,” Vampy sighed.
Ramsey grinned and took another bite of his golden carrot. “Even though I never got to use my Fusion Passes, I call this birthday a win. Fought some bad guys, had a feast, two of my girls got some great upgrades, and we’ll still be early for the next mission. I love it when a party comes together.”
“So long as we can lay in a good supply of blood,” Vampy muttered.
“What!?” BAMF roared.
THE END
— — —
Want to read more by M. D. Cooper?
BOOKS BY M. D. COOPER
The Intrepid Saga
- Book 1: Outsystem
- Book 2: A Path in the Darkness
- Book 3: Building Victoria
- The Intrepid Saga Omnibus – Also contains Destiny Lost, book 1 of the Orion War series
- Destiny Rising – Special Author’s Extended Edition comprised of both Outsystem and A Path in the Darkness with over 100 pages of new content.
The Orion War
- Book 1: Destiny Lost
- Tales of the Orion War: Set the Galaxy on Fire
- Book 2: New Canaan
- Book 3: Orion Rising
- Tales of the Orion War: Ignite the Stars Within (Fall 2017)
- Tales of the Orion War: Burn the Galaxy to Ash (Winter 2018)
- Book 4: The Scipio Alliance (Nov 2017)
- Book 5: Starfire (2018)
- Book 6: Return to Sol (2018)
Perilous Alliance (Expanded Orion War - with Chris J. Pike)
- Book 1: Close Proximity
- Book 2: Strike Vector
- Book 3: Collision Course (October 2017)
Rika’s Marauders (Age of the Orion War)
- Prequel: Rika Mechanized
- Book 1: Rika Outcast
- Book 2: Rika Redeemed (Nov 2017)
- Book 3: Rika Triumphant (2018)
Perseus Gate (Age of the Orion War)
- Episode 1: The Gate at the Grey Wolf Star
- Episode 2: The World at the Edge of Space
- Episode 3: The Dance on the Moons of Serenity
- Episode 4: The Last Bastion of Star City (Oct 2017)
- Episode 5: The Toll Road Between the Stars (Nov 2017)
- Episode 6: The Final Stroll on Perseus’s Arm (Dec 2017)
The Warlord (Before the Age of the Orion War)
- Book 1: The Woman Without a Country (Sept 2017)
- Book 2: The Woman Who Seized an Empire (2018)
- Book 3: The Woman Who Lost Everything (2018)
The Sentience Wars: Origins (With James S. Aaron)
- Book 1: Lyssa’s Dream
- Book 2: Lyssa’s Run (Oct 2017)
- Book 3: Lyssa’s Flame (Jan 2018)
Tanis Richards: Origins
- Prequel: Storming the Norse Wind (In At the Helm Volume 3)
- Book 1: Shore Leave (Fall 2017)
The Sol Dissolution
- The 2
42 - Venusian Uprising (In The Expanding Universe 2 anthology)
- The 242 - Assault on Tarja (In The Expanding Universe 3 anthology – coming Dec 2017)
The Delta Team Chronicles (Expanded Orion War)
- A "Simple" Kidnapping (Pew! Pew! Volume 1)
- The Disknee World (Pew! Pew! Volume 2)
About the Author
M. D. Cooper has been writing since he finished Return of the King and had to have more. Lately, he has turned toward science fiction and is working on the Aeon14 series of books, which surround a colony ship leaving the Sol System.
When he's not writing novels or software he can be found spending time with his wife and daughter, or in his wood shop building furniture.
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Table of Contents
Escape from My Fishwife
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Spellslinger
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
The Gli+chover
Chap+er One
Chap+er +wo
Chap+er +hree
Chap+er Four
Chap+er Five
Chap+er Six