“I get to say who’s right for me. Not you.”
Mother leaned in so close he could smell her expensive perfume. “Don’t forget who believed in you. Who spent hours with you teaching you how to think. How to speak. How to play a role. How to navigate in a world you couldn’t understand. What you think is love is an illusion you’ve created with the dialogues and scenes you put together from all the movies and scripts you watched. It’s not real. What you feel for Jamie is not real.”
“Then you don’t know me, Frances.” He bit her name as if he hated the taste. “You don’t know me the way Jamie and her boys do.”
CHAPTER FIFTY
A dull ache followed Jamie around, sitting on her chest when she lay awake at night and weighing her shoulders down by day. Her precious Drew had taken twenty giant steps backwards, but was recovering little by little. Every day, she grieved for all the things he could do before the Andrew incident, but she also held small celebrations as he regained each skill.
He’d started with eye contact the day she picked him up from Marlene’s house, then a touch here, a word there was all she got the next day. She reintroduced the baseball and his DVDs and the first day, he ignored them, but since it was spring break, and Ben was home every day, eventually, his enthusiasm infected Drew and he was back with his baseball obsession.
The toilet training, however, was back at square one, and she had had to start over with an entire new chart with new baseball stickers.
Meanwhile, Jamie would call Frances every day, and Frances would give her an overview of how Ryan was progressing. They would share strategy with what their lawyers prescribed and talk about strengthening the case against Andrew. It was an uneasy truce, based on common interests, and neither Frances nor Jamie mentioned the hurtful words that had been spilled the night of Ryan’s accident.
Nothing moved fast though. Andrew, unfortunately, had been able to raise bail, and Jamie feared for her boys, especially since she now had them back home with her. She’d changed the locks, but she couldn’t afford a twenty-four hour security guard.
Her mother had moved into the guest room, and between them, the dog got walked and the boys were well cared for. Everyone, including Mother, saw a therapist twice a week, and Andrew’s insurance paid for it.
During her sessions, Jamie was appalled to learn how much she had let Andrew belittle and manipulate her. She also realized that she had taken on a victim mentality, but at the same time had become inflexible and controlling with her own sons.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Mother came into the house from the backyard, reeking of cigarette smoke. All the stress and tension had her back to a pack a day, although Jamie insisted she do her smoking in the great outdoors.
The boys were at school and the house was clean. Jamie, however, could not relax. She tapped around on her tablet, opening and closing her email app. She’d written and deleted scads of emails to Ryan and couldn’t get the courage up to hit send.
“Still emailing Ryan? Or attempting to?” Mother pulled herself up onto a barstool.
“Frances says he still doesn’t want to hear from me.” Jamie wiped a curl from her forehead and readjusted the barrette holding her hair back.
“Give the guy time. He’s going through a major realignment. My bet is he doesn’t want you to see him in such a weakened state. Guys like to be big and strong, and I’m sure having you sit in his lap in a wheelchair is not his idea of sweeping you off your feet.”
“I wish he could understand that I want to be there to support and help him, too, not just be the person he has to save and support. It’s a two-way street, really. Sometimes he’s stronger and I’m weaker, and sometimes I’m stronger and he’s weaker. I don’t think any less of him.”
Mother patted her hand. “I know you don’t, but he doesn’t know that. Maybe you should email him and tell him exactly what you told me.”
“I’m afraid it would hurt his pride,” Jamie said, swiping her finger across her tablet to check Ryan’s social media. “All his fans are holding onto hope that he’ll be back on the mound.”
“It’ll take a miracle and lots of rehab.”
Jamie shut her eyes and drew in a deep breath. “I want to be by his side every step he takes. I feel like I’m missing out. Frances says he’s already started his walking exercises. He tires easily, but he’s trying hard.”
“Do you think he’ll be out of the hospital soon?”
Jamie checked the calendar and wrote notes on it. “Yes, it’s been almost three weeks and tomorrow’s the last day of spring training. He hasn’t seen anyone on the team, although they’ve been sending him notes and stuffed animals.”
“Humpf,” Mother snorted. “Nothing like an injury to turn you back into a baby again. No wonder he hasn’t wanted any visitors. Ryan’s the type of guy who wants to be on top.”
“Brock says he’s supposed to throw the ceremonial opening pitch tomorrow. He’s working hard on walking because he doesn’t want to throw it from the wheelchair.”
“What does Brock say about Ryan refusing to see you?” Mother asked.
Jamie shrank from her mother’s question. She didn’t want to admit to anyone that Ryan hadn’t asked for her. When Marcia mentioned it, she’d said he wasn’t ready for visitors and dropped the subject.
“I don’t think Brock talks to him about me,” Jamie said. “Really, it’s between me and Ryan, and I’d rather not have everyone taking sides. If he’s not ready to see me, then I’ll wait until he is. I’ve asked Frances to keep me up to date, and she promised she’d let me know as soon as he’s up for it.”
“I wonder why he doesn’t miss you and the boys.” Mother had an annoying way of pointing out factoids no one wanted to hear.
“He’s got a lot on his mind,” Jamie said. “Maybe we’ll see him at the clubhouse. You’re coming with us, aren’t you?”
“You bet,” Mother said. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. How nice of that Chinese guy, Timmy Li, to invite us as his guests.”
“That’s because his puppy is Hershey’s sister.” Jamie gave her mother a sidelong glance. “His father’s really nice, too, and a widower.”
Mother blushed bright red and waved a hand in front of her face as if fanning smoke. “He’s a sweetheart for taking Hershey out on his walks when we’re busy.”
“You should ask him out,” Jamie suggested. “Or at least accept if he asks you out.”
“Posh, I’m too old to date.” Mother laughed a little too loudly. “With my track record, I’d turn even the nice guys into assholes.”
“No, you won’t. You have to believe in yourself. Isn’t that what Dr. Sparks says?”
“Then the same applies to you.” Mother pointed at Jamie. “You should reach out to Ryan and let him know you miss him. Don’t be so passive and wait for him to make the first move.”
Jamie paged through Ryan’s social media, reading and liking all the fan comments. Several videos taken of his diving catch and subsequent fall had gone viral, but Jamie couldn’t stomach watching them, although she had braced herself and seen them when they were first posted. The sight of Drew being tossed like trash and then Ryan’s fall played in slow motion cycled through her mind, squeezing every drop of blood from her heart.
She shut the browser window and wiped her hands on her pants. “I’m so nervous. What if he pretends he doesn’t know me tomorrow? No one on the team knows he’s shunning me. Everyone thinks I have the inside track since I know so much about his medical condition.”
“It’s good that Frances is keeping you in the loop,” Mother reassured her. “Do you think she’s keeping him from you or is Ryan just extra stubborn?”
“She says she’s over being upset at me. I think it’s Ryan. I know exactly how he feels.” Jamie nodded slowly. “He wants to do it all himself, because otherwise he’d feel vulnerable. He doesn’t want to drag me down because I have so much on my plate. He wants to be my hero, not a guy who has to lean on me.”
Ryan sweated bullets as he made his way from one end of the therapy room to the other. His work was harder because he could only use a single crutch under his right arm. His left shoulder had separated and even though they’d removed the pins, he couldn’t put any weight on that arm.
“Keep moving. You can do it,” his therapist, Savannah, encouraged him. “Let’s try it without the crutch coming back.”
Ryan gritted his teeth and concentrated on one foot in front of the other. It was surprising how a few weeks in bed could stiffen his muscles so much. Thank God, he’d gotten over the spinal shock earlier than expected, but still, he’d lost weight, his endurance was shot, and every muscle in his body screamed at something as basic as walking.
He reached the wall and put his crutch down.
“Give me a baseball,” he said, making a throwing motion with his right arm. He still had a chance of a comeback, although now, he wasn’t going to be ready to return until the September call-up.
“Now, Mr. Hudson, walking first, then throwing later.” The bossy PT wagged her finger. She couldn’t be more than a year out of college, but she treated him as if he were a baby.
“I’m tossing the game starting pitch tomorrow,” Ryan said. “I’m not going to do a lame underhanded softball toss for sure.”
“You’re also not going to do a full windup. Not with your shoulder still on the mend,” Savannah admonished. “Now come to me, slowly.”
She stretched out her arms as if he were a baby coming to mama.
Ryan hated this dependency brought about by his injuries. His mother refused him the cell phone because she said the news outside was depressing, and she didn’t want him to watch the viral videos of him getting hurt. He’d been of two minds about it. On the one hand, he was curious and he wanted to keep up with his buddies and see what was going on. But then, being connected also meant being tempted to contact Jamie, maybe even stalk her, and that was something he’d promised he’d never do.
After what she’d gone through with Andrew, he was definitely not going to insert himself where he wasn’t wanted. She’d moved on. Fine. She’d gotten her boys back. Even better. She and her mother were living together. Excellent. She was seeing a therapist and gaining self-confidence. Awesome.
His mother dutifully kept in touch with her about the lawsuit and for that, he was grateful. Maybe once he got out of the hospital, they could be friends, although it would be excruciatingly hard. So hard not to take her in his arms and love her, to kiss her and caress her and most of all, to pamper her the way she deserved to be pampered.
It would be hard except he’d respect her, and charm her later on. She’d fallen for him once, and maybe after Andrew went to jail, she’d decide to give him another chance.
“You thinking about your girlfriend?” Savannah said when he reached her side.
Another thing he hated. Being a patient meant too much familiarity with the staff. He was a private person and he rather liked it that way.
“I’m ready for a shower.” He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “And a baseball. I need to practice the pitch.”
“Only if you use a crutch.”
“How the hell am I going to throw the ball while hanging onto a crutch?” Ryan looked back, realizing he’d left his crutch at the far side. “You know what? I’m out of here. I’m checking out and I’ll find my own ball.”
“You’re not ready.” Savannah rolled over the wheelchair. “You need to sit down so I can push you back to your room.”
Ryan kept walking, fighting through the pain. He was done with overprotective nurses, therapists, and especially his mother.
“Mr. Hudson, where are you going?” Savannah followed after him. “I’m going to have to call your mother. She’s not going to like you walking out.”
“No, she’s not,” Ryan said. “But I’m a big boy, and I’m done with being shielded.”
That went for Jamie, too. She’d been too chicken to come to the hospital to tell him to his face that she no longer wanted anything to do with him.
She was the only person he’d extended a visit request to and she’d turned it down.
“You owe me the truth,” he muttered under his breath. “You need to look me in the eye and tell me I don’t have a chance. That you don’t love me anymore. Can you do that, Jamie? Can you go against everything you feel?”
Besides, tomorrow was Drew’s birthday and she certainly couldn’t say ‘no’ to him on Drew’s birthday, could she?
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
“Will Ryan come to Drew’s birthday party?” Ben asked with his mouth full at the dinner table that night. The two boys lost no opportunity in asking after Ryan. Every day, as soon as they got up in the morning it was “Ryan this” and “Ryan that.”
Drew stopped twirling the forks and spoons and stared at Jamie, waiting for her answer.
“We haven’t asked him,” Jamie said. “Now, don’t talk with your mouth full.”
The truth was she hadn’t had time to plan one. Another failure on her part. She’d better buy a cake at least and ask Marcia and her kids to come over.
“My mouth is empty,” Drew said. “I can talk.”
“You need to eat instead of playing with your fork,” Jamie said, glancing across the table for her mother to say something.
“Birthday parties are for kids,” Mother said.
“But Ryan promised to come to the party before he got hurt.” Ben put down his fork.
“He’s hurt pretty badly,” Mother said. “He might need to rest.”
“We’ll see him tomorrow at the game, won’t we?” Ben was sharp, not missing a thing. “Then we can have the party afterwards.”
“He’s only going to throw the first pitch, not play,” Jamie said through her tightened throat. “And he’s going to be busy with the team.”
While she’d been looking forward to going to the clubhouse, she wasn’t sure she should take the boys. They’d be disappointed if Ryan ignored them, although she was fairly certain he’d be polite to them.
It was she who he didn’t want to deal with, and she couldn’t blame him. Maybe he needed this time to heal from his wounds, both physical and those she’d inflicted on him. Her mother was right. She needed to make the first move, no matter how scary it would be. She’d made the last move and it was a bad one, so it made sense for her to correct it and apologize.
“You boys better go to bed early if you want to go to the ballpark tomorrow.” Her mother, of course, was well versed in driving children to bed. “I want to see all the vegetables eaten and then it’s off to the bathtub for you two.”
“I want Ryan,” Drew said calmly. “Ryan saved me.”
“He sure did.” Jamie couldn’t believe how much progress Drew had made since meeting Ryan and how much he’d recovered from the trauma of being abused by Andrew. He was now completely toilet trained, not even needing a diaper at night, and he spoke and communicated his needs confidently. He’d been able to self-calm from impending meltdowns by doing Ryan’s “bug in the rug” trick, rolling himself in a comforter, or going into his quiet time closet.
There was so much she owed Ryan, she didn’t know where to start. Maybe a simple “thank you” would do.
Maybe not. She owed him something big. Something elaborate. Something memorable.
Ryan unlocked his apartment and stepped into his home for the first time in weeks. Everything was still and sterile. His housekeeper had been by on her weekly schedule and everything was in place.
He shut the door and turned on his water wall, then went around the living room switching on his fountains. The trickling sound of running water instantly soothed the raw edges of his nerves.
After a quick search of his belongings, he figured his mother still had his cell phone. Either that, or it had been turned in as evidence against Andrew Rush along with the video he
had captured.
Ryan found his tablet and booted it up. As soon as it connected to wifi, he browsed to the internet and was bombarded by news of him and Andrew. His autism and that incident when he’d bashed up all his trophies were headlined, and there was an ongoing debate about whether his autism made him dangerous or a better pitcher.
Ryan flipped through articles and blogs where people sniped at him and his record with others defending him hotly. He skipped the viral videos and speculation of his playing abilities. He could see why his mother protected him and had ordered the nursing staff to keep all electronic devices from him.
Fortunately, his team had rallied to his defense with one-hundred percent support. However, a few of his sponsors had dropped him, in case the molestation charges turned out to be true.
Now, to see if Jamie had messaged him.
His heart thumping, he opened his email app, hoping against hope that Jamie had tried to communicate with him, yet dreading a “Dear John” letter.
One from her was waiting in the queue.
He clicked on it and read.
Dear Ryan,
First of all, I want to thank you with all my heart for everything you did for my family. You are truly the most special person who ever showed up in my life, and I will always cherish the time we spent together. The boys miss you, and so do I. However, I understand why you would not want me to visit you.
What? His mother had lied to her. Ryan blinked and reread her words to make sure what she meant, and then continued.
I did a very bad thing when I lied to you and blamed you for Andrew taking Ben and Drew away from me. I’ve regretted it ever since, and I wanted to apologize right away. However, I didn’t want to disturb your recovery. Fortunately, your mother kept me apprised daily of your progress.
I wish I could have been at your side to help you, but I understand why you drove me away. It was the same reason I drove you away.
Playing for the Save (Men of Spring Baseball Book 3) Page 30