“Hey, Squinky.” I plopped down next to him and scratched his ears. I wanted to hold him, but he only visited laps of his own volition. My mind drifted as his purr lulled me.
The room had been dark, the music thumping. Her pink cheeks had glowed. “Why’re you here?” she’d asked.
I wanted to see you, I’d almost answered. Instead, I’d stared at her like a dumbass.
I heard a chord, followed by the phrase shouldn’t give in to fear. The beginnings of a new song? I unbuckled my guitar case as more lyrics tumbled into my mind. Shouldn’t give in to fear. Shouldn’t even be here. But why not? I was a college student. It was a college party. I had every right to be there.
With a smile, I patted the signature on the guitar’s shiny surface. I strummed some E minor power chords, stopped to jot down a few lyrics, and repeated the process countless times over the next half hour. Soon, I had the skeleton of a song.
Shouldn’t give in to fear
Shouldn’t even be here
The sequins they blind me
With bursts of possibility
This sequence can’t find me
Too hard to figure out
It’s all a damn calamity
I hoped to bring you into me
The truth is the absurdity:
I wanted to see you
I wanted to see you
I wanted to know you
I wanted to hold you
You didn’t want me
Hey, man, you want a beer?
No way, can’t have that here
The rules diminish me
Now the boy’s got to flee
This game finishes me
Too hard to figure out
Where is divine divinity?
I hoped to bring you into me
The truth is my flaccidity:
I wanted to see you
I wanted to see you
I wanted to know you
I wanted to hold you
You didn’t want me
You didn’t want me. Usually I got a charge of energy after penning a new song, but tonight I only felt deflated. College was off to a stellar start.
My phone dinged with an incoming text. Whoa, Alejandro was still up? It was almost midnight.
How’s it going at Highbanks?
It fucking sucks. But I didn’t type that. My twenty-six-year-old brother didn’t approve of swear words.
Isn’t it past your bedtime?
Oye, it’s Friday night. Not an old man yet.
What’re you up to?
I didn’t want to tell him about the party, either. He would definitely disapprove of the safety risks I’d taken.
You know, unpacking.
Getting settled in the greenhouse?
Yeah.
This conversation was boring the hell out of me, so I added:
Kind of tired, think I’m gonna go to bed.
Oh. Actually, I have a question for you.
If he dared to ask about my blood sugar, I’d whip my phone at the wall.
Maddie’s with me. She wants to say something.
I squinted at my phone. His fiancée Maddie was at Johns Hopkins? Alejandro had just started his fourth year of medical school there, and I’d thought Maddie was still in Turkey playing volleyball for Team USA.
Hey, Matty, it’s Maddie. :)
I managed to smile at that.
I’m psyched you’re at my alma mater!
How’s Highbanks treating you?
Not great. Went to a party…was a shitshow
bc of my agents.
Once I pressed send, I kicked myself. Maddie was easier to talk to than my brother, but I had to remember he was right there with her.
I’m sorry. That sounds tough. :(
I’m back (Alex). You went to a party?
Did Lucy know?
My shoulders tensed. Would he lecture me? When I didn’t respond, he said:
Be careful, okay?
That wasn’t too bad. He had been shot in public, after all.
Okay.
So, Maddie and I set a date tonight.
A date?
For the wedding!
Duh. They’d gotten engaged a year ago, so I’d sort of forgotten about the ceremony part.
That’s great. When is it?
Your semester’s over December 13, right?
I guess?
We picked December 15.
In Cleveland. It’s a Saturday.
Why was he telling me all the details? Mom would make the arrangements to get me there. She lived for shit like this.
It’s not much time to plan, but we wanted
to seal the deal before Maddie plays in China
and I go on residency interviews.
Okay, cool.
He didn’t respond for a while, and I wondered if I should say something else.
Mateo, will you be my best man?
My mouth hung open. Hadn’t seen that one coming. I’d thought for sure he’d choose his best friend. But maybe Jake couldn’t leave Iraq or Afghanistan or whichever desert they’d stationed him in.
Not Jake?
I want Jake to be a groomsman, if he can be there.
But Maddie & I want YOU to be my best man.
Will you?
Of course, hermano.
Gracias. Means a lot to me.
Me, too! (This is Maddie).
Thanks, Matty. *hugs*
I wondered who else they’d ask to be part of the wedding party. Maddie’s brother, Braxton? He seemed pretty cool. Would her mother attend? She’d been estranged from Maddie and her brother for a long time, but I’d heard Maddie was trying to build a relationship with her.
Alex again. Is Lucy still up?
Probably not. She has weights tomorrow.
Man, I do not miss those early morning practices.
I’d never know what those were like. Then I realized why he was asking about my sister.
Wait—you’re going to ask Lucy
to be the best woman, right?
Maid of honor, sí, but don’t tell her.
Maddie wants to ask her.
Lucia was Maddie’s best friend, so of course they wanted her to be maid of honor. I frowned. Had they asked me to be best man just so I wouldn’t feel left out? But then I smiled.
Are you obligated to ask Dane
to be a groomsman, then?
Unfortunately.
My smile grew bigger. Alejandro and Dane weren’t exactly BFFs, though my brother had been less hostile since meeting Maddie.
Maddie said I should “be nice.”
Yes, you should.
Hey, Dane’s little sister
is at Highbanks too, right? Jessica?
How could I forget?
What’s she like?
Gorgeous, I thought.
Is she as liberal as her brother?
Don’t know and don’t care.
Mateo, you can only get away
with being uninformed for so long.
I can’t help it Dad’s president.
How about I choose what’s important to me?
Another pause—he was probably typing a lecture.
That’s fair. You don’t have to be involved in politics
if you don’t want to.
I gaped at my phone. My brother had chilled, that’s for sure.
You said you were tired, so I’ll let you go.
Thanks for saying yes.
You already are my best man in life.
But now it’s official for the wedding, too.
What a cheeseball. I shook my head.
Congratulations, big brother. TTYL.
My first wedding. Was I supposed to bring a date? I knew who I wanted to ask. She’d probably wear a sexy dress, and I hoped it would be turquoise. That color looked incredible on her. But then I remembered the swimmer guy by her side tonight. She’d probably much rather date him than go to the wedding with me. Ugh.
Chapter 3
“JESS!” SOMETHING TOUCHED my shoulder and jarred me awake.
Can’t breathe. I rocketed upright as I gasped for air.
Mackenzie jumped back and stared at me with wide eyes. “You okay?”
I blinked and looked around, wondering how I’d ended up in my dorm room. The blanket covering me had slid down when I sat up, and I kicked it fully off me now that I noticed how stifling hot the damn thing was. I was in my bra and panties, and my hair was wet like I’d been swimming. But I hadn’t been in the pool, had I? “What time is it?” My throat killed. Did I have strep throat?
“Eight thirty.”
“In the morning?”
She squinted at me, and I realized what a dumb question that was when I saw slats of sunlight reflected on the linoleum.
“I’m the one from another time zone, remember?” She continued to study me like I was a mental patient.
I attempted a smile as I lifted my hair from my neck. “Sorry.” I tried to swallow but my throat was so dry. “Think I blacked out last night.”
“You were passed out when I got back. I was looking for you at the party. How’d you get here?”
I have no freaking clue. The thought kicked up my heartbeat.
“I wasn’t sure if I should knock you up.”
I shook my head. I was totally disoriented, and now my roommate wanted to impregnate me?
“Oh!” She laughed, reading my confusion. “I mean wake you up. My dad told me not to use that slang in the States.” Mackenzie crossed to her mirror and brushed her hair. “Kaylee asked if we wanted to hit breakfast before the team meeting.” She gathered her hair in one hand.
“Who’s Kaylee?”
She spun around and let her hair fall to her shoulders. “Our teammate? You’re going troppo—you met her last night. She lives down the hall.”
“Oh.” I squirmed under the heat of her stare. She must’ve thought I was a total whackjob. “I met so many people—hard to keep them straight.”
Her mouth relaxed. “Indeed. But I definitely won’t forget Christian. Shit, hot! You remember him too, right?”
When I closed my eyes, the pressure inside my skull seemed to compound my fog. Add a killer headache to the list. How much alcohol had I consumed? As I massaged my damp temples, a flash of blond hair entered my mind. “Christian’s a blond guy, right?”
She smiled as she slipped her hair into a ponytail holder. “You do remember!”
A knock on our door increased the pounding in my head. Mackenzie opened the door, and I lunged for the balled-up sheet at my feet as two girls entered the room. The taller, bigger one looked at me as I drew the sheet to my chin. “Jeez. Rough night, Monroe?”
Crap. She looked familiar, but I didn’t know her name, just like I couldn’t identify the thin blonde next to her. My face felt hot. “I’ll be fine, Kaylee.”
“Jessica!” Mackenzie stepped up and clasped the thin girl’s shoulders. “This is Kaylee.” She pointed to the brunette who had spoken to me, and now was scowling. “That’s Emma, her roommate.”
I winced. “Sorry, guys.”
Emma grinned. “It’s okay. You obviously had way more fun than I did last night.”
“Obviously,” Mackenzie said, then gestured to my desk. “Her phone’s been buzzing nonstop, probably with messages from all the blokes she met. I’m surprised that didn’t wake her.”
When I glanced at my phone, my skin crawled for some reason. I gripped the sheet.
“Who’s texting you?” Kaylee crossed over and picked up my phone.
My throat tightened, but I got out, “Don’t—”
“It’s that yummy senior, Blake!” Kaylee held up my phone with a triumphant stab in the air.
My heart and mind competed in a race of fear. My mind filled with an image of his leering eyes hovering over me…Oh, God—had he…? I couldn’t finish the thought.
Kaylee marched toward me, and I flinched back. She gave me a strange look before handing me my phone. “Enter your passcode. There’s good stuff in there. I want to read the rest of his texts.”
My hand shook as I stared down at his name: Blake Morrell. When had I entered his number? Had he taken me home? Had he seen me in my underwear? Had he…raped me? Bile pressed up my throat. I didn’t know what had happened, but I wanted his name off my phone. It only showed the beginning of a text.
Hey, did I do something wrong?
Why don’t you text back?…
I looked up to find three swimmers watching me. My stomach roiled, and my eyes darted to the wastebasket under my desk. I forced down a thick swallow.
“You need a sickie?” Mackenzie asked.
I couldn’t think straight, and I didn’t want to falsely accuse a guy I barely knew. I just wanted to be alone, try to remember what happened, try to sort this out. I strained to swallow again. Please don’t barf in front of them.
“I don’t feel so well. Sorry.”
Mackenzie’s tone softened. “So you probably don’t want to go to breakfast?”
“Hey, guys.” Emma glanced at her phone. “We better go if we want to make it to the dining hall before the team meeting.”
The team meeting? I touched my matted hair. I couldn’t show up like this or my coaches would know I’d been partying. Plus, I smelled. I needed a shower.
“See you at the meeting, Jess?” Mackenzie asked as she headed to the door.
Kaylee frowned at me. “I want details. We can sort through those texts later.”
Her parting comment reminded me of the messages I needed to read. Maybe they would offer a clue about what had happened last night.
Shudders climbed my spine once my teammates left. He was just a guy, right? Why did I feel terrified every time I thought of him? The feel of his touch on my body…I turned my hand, palm facing up, and peered down at my shaking wrist. Was that a faint bruise? I closed my eyes, and all I could feel was a dark shadow pressing down on me, my arms trapped over my head…
I tumbled out of bed to stop the image, but waves of dizziness hit me once I got to my feet. As I scrabbled for the headboard to steady myself, an ache pulsed from a place deep inside of me. I’d slept with my high school boyfriend, Duncan, a couple of times—fumbling, giggling, unsatisfying sex—and this was a similar sensation, though more painful. Maybe I’d had sex with Blake. No big deal. I stumbled to the wastebasket. No. The nausea, dizziness, and complete state of panic…this was different. This wasn’t a playful roll in the sheets with Duncan.
Tingles of disgust crept up my scratchy throat, the threat of impending vomit. I heaved, but nothing came. “Please,” I moaned as tears welled in my eyes. Get it out of me. I had to find relief from the pressure in my gut.
Hunched over, I looked at my phone. There were five texts from him. Did he rape me? The thought made my knees buckle, and I crumpled to the cool floor. That’s when I noticed the oval bruise on the inside of my ankle. Where had that come from? My shaky fingers entered my passcode, pulling up his texts. The first one was from an hour ago.
Hey, Jess. Thanks for adding me to your phone,
beautiful girl. Did you sleep okay?
Had I slept okay? More like passed out. Navy blue swam in my mind. Had I passed out on his bed? I read the next text.
I thought we should wait,
get to know each other first,
but you kept coming on to me.
You’re so fine, I couldn’t resist.
You’re a tiger in bed, baby!
But your pussy’s so tight.
My mouth dropped open in revulsion. I clutched the wastebasket and heaved. Tears rolled down my face as I threw up. I wanted to die.
The words of his texts circled my mind with each convulsion of my body. He didn’t sound like a man who’d just raped me. So I must have seduced the first guy I’d met at Highbanks. Awesome.
Through blurry tears, I read the next text.
You want me. I want you too.
Only way this works is we’re exclusive.
&nb
sp; I’m a little possessive that way. :)
When can I see you?
I hope it’s soon, baby.
I cringed at the thought of being with him, and soon I retched again. The dinner I’d eaten with Dane was long gone, and the empty heaves produced shock waves of pain, but they kept coming. Oh, God—what would Dane think? I didn’t want him to find out I’d already slept with a guy.
It seemed like forever before my body stopped convulsing. Minor aftershocks coursed through me as I read another text. What was this, his fourth? Stalker much?
Where are you? Maybe your meeting’s later?
On my way to ours—starts at 8:00.
I looked at my watch. 8:52. I had to be at Griffin Athletic Complex, way across campus, by 9:30. My throat burned with acid, and I wanted to crawl back into bed, but I couldn’t miss our first team function. Sobs wracked my body as I clutched my aching belly. What would I say when I saw him? His last text had come at 7:59.
Hey, did I do something wrong?
Why don’t you text back?
Thought we had such a good connection.
Talk to me, baby.
I threw my phone on the bed and pushed myself up on trembling legs. A cloak of blackness shrouded my vision, but I blew out a breath and managed to stay conscious. Shower. I needed a shower in the worst way.
As I grabbed my bathroom caddy, I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Wilted mascara streaks stained my puffy cheeks, turning me into a character from a Tim Burton film.
Once I stumbled into the communal shower—thankfully empty—I started crying again. I didn’t want to go to the meeting. I didn’t want to see him again. I didn’t want to be here. Cool water streamed down my face, mingling with hot tears.
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