by Karen Rock
Niall nodded as a thunderclap sounded nearby. “Yes. He was. When I came out, he asked if I got what I needed.”
“What happened next?” she forced herself to ask, feeling as though the roller-coaster car she rode had reached the pinnacle, and she teetered on the brink of a terrifying fall.
“We ducked behind the door when a grenade exploded. When I told him I had the hard drive, we sprinted across the field. There was this loud noise, and I was tossed off my feet, something ripping through my leg. When I hit the ground, my head felt like it had split apart. I couldn’t lift it and check out the damage. But I knew it was bad. The rebels would get the computer. And more lives than just mine would be lost. I’d failed.”
Niall dropped his head into his hands, and a deep shudder passed over him. Kayleigh reached for him, then pulled back, conflicted. She wanted to comfort, but she hurt, too. She felt herself falling, heard herself screaming in her head.
“Someone yanked me up and carried me,” Niall said after a long moment, his voice so full of tension, she felt he might break.
“It was Chris,” Kayleigh said, the image laying like a hot knife in her mind. “He wouldn’t leave you on that field.”
He nodded slowly, his Adam’s apple dipping as he seemed to swallow hard. The rain murmured on the roof above and ran in rivulets down the window behind them. At last, he blew out a long breath and began again. “I told him to leave me. That he’d get killed, but he just shook his head and started running with me.”
Kayleigh imagined her brother, how incredibly courageous he’d been. He’d known the odds were against him, but he’d rolled the dice, unwilling to abandon the bad hand he’d been dealt. She swiped at her running nose with her sleeve, wishing with all her might that she could have been there. For Chris. For Niall. Oh, God. It was suddenly too much, and she buried her head in her arm and sobbed hard, her pulse surging beneath her skin.
Niall’s hand fell on her shoulder and she jumped. “Do you want me to stop?”
She shook her head, beyond words. No. If Chris could see this through to the end, then so could she. “Keep going,” she whispered when she could.
“He jogged us across the field. When an explosion hit, he’d swerve one way, then another. My pain cranked, and my vision dimmed. I told him I wasn’t going to make it. To save himself. But I think he said we were almost there—not sure—but he kept going. Suddenly, he jerked, as if someone shoved him, as we hit the metal rivets of the Humvee. I thought we’d made it.”
Behind her, a gust of wind rattled the landing’s windowpanes. Kayleigh’s eyes scrunched closed as she pictured it. Saw it all. The desperate dash to the waiting vehicles, Chris carrying a limp Niall through what must have looked like hell on earth. What had he been thinking in those moments? She would have bet he hadn’t been scared. Not Chris. He would have been sure, right up until the end, that he’d come out on top. Win. Make it. Only he hadn’t, and lay in the bottom of a grave in Arlington Cemetery instead.
The thought scorched her insides as she remembered the funeral and all the unanswered questions that had run through her mind. She’d never wonder again. Would this bring her the peace she’d hoped for? Right now she felt as though she were a storm-tossed vessel wrecked on a rocky shore. There was no safe harbor. Not for her.
“But you both didn’t make it,” she burst out. Sudden certainty tightened in her chest like a cold fist. Everything became a blur around her as she pulled the damp, stagnant air into her lungs.
Niall shook his head, his eyes wild around the edges, like a skittish horse. “Chris had been hit in the back with shrapnel. I lived because he shielded me.”
Yes. That was exactly how Chris would have died in combat. Saving another. Someday, that thought might comfort her, but for now, it only ripped open the wound of his loss and she bled, inside, as her mind replayed that moment. She wished she could climb into the tree house in her head, escaping the horror below, pulling up the ladder behind her. Maybe she’d find Chris there.
“He didn’t suffer, Kayleigh.” Niall’s voice turned fierce. “He was gone before they pulled him off me.”
Kayleigh spoke from behind the hand covering her face. “How do you know if he suffered? How much he hurt? He could have been mortally wounded and still carried you because that’s the man Chris was. He cared about others. Put them first.”
He recoiled at her pained words, but met her eye when she lowered her fingers. “I’m sorry, Kayleigh. If I could go back, I would never have put your brother in danger. Would have taken that hit for him.”
She imagined it. Saw her life with Chris inside the apartment behind her, proud of Josh for his yellow belt. And her missing her dearest friend, Niall, who’d died in combat. Neither was an option she could bear.
“But you didn’t think of him, did you? You put what you needed ahead of others.” She clutched the letter, the edge cutting into her palm. “And you did it with me, too. You hid my letter these past two weeks. Or would it have been longer if I hadn’t gotten the phone call?” Her chest shuddered as air rushed in and out of her.
“I was planning to tell you today after I dropped off Josh. That’s why it was in my pocket. I waited until we sent in the program because I wanted to make sure we had it done in case you kicked me out.”
She nodded, despair smashing her insides to pieces. “I would have told you to leave the company. But that was my call to make. Not yours. I thought you were different. That you considered other people’s feelings, but I was wrong.”
“That’s not true.” He made an inarticulate gesture. “I was trying to help.”
“Like when you turned me down in the restaurant at our first meeting? Ignored my phone calls the following week? That was you trying to help.” Her voice was flat and filled with defeat.
“But I changed my mind when I met Chris’s family.”
His words cut her. “So it wasn’t because I convinced you? Because you believed in me? It was all because you wanted to feel better about what you’d done. Repay a debt.”
Niall studied her for a long moment then nodded slowly. “But I did believe—”
She put up her hand to stop him. She couldn’t listen to another word. Not from Niall.
“Chris kept you alive, and what did you do with that gift? How did you honor it? You hid in your apartment and disappeared from the world. Disregarded the second chance you’d been given.” Words bubbled up inside and spilled out of her. “And even when you decided to help, said you were all in, you weren’t, because you had this secret. How could we ever have been a team, partners, a—a couple, with that between us? You kept that, and this letter, from me.”
“You’re right,” he said, his voice hoarse. Guilty—there was no other word to describe Niall as he leaned against the wall, bowed over as if a great weight had settled on him. “But believe that I planned to tell you, whether it was declassified or not, once we sent in the patent.”
She pointed down the steps. “I’m sorry, but I can’t trust you. Not anymore. Please go. You lied to me. Deceived me. You manipulated me—and you stole that letter. I promised myself after Brett that I’d never fall for someone like that again.”
He staggered back, his face full of anguish. “I don’t want to leave you this way.” His eyes searching hers. “I should get Beth.”
“No. If you care the way you claim to, you’d know...to just...stay away from me and my family. Far away,” she croaked out.
Niall blinked up at the ceiling, his jaw so tight it looked as if it would shatter. At last his shoulders slumped, and he nodded.
“Goodbye, Kayleigh,” she heard him whisper as he clumped heavily down the stairs.
She watched until the top of his dark head disappeared from view, the sight leaving her feeling hollow, her conviction slowly draining away, thick, dark sorrow taking its place.
“Goodbye,
Niall,” she whispered before getting to her feet and holding on to the banister, her knees shaking.
She couldn’t bear the feeling that something vital had been plucked out, uprooted from her chest when he walked away. Incomprehensibly, she’d wanted to cling to him, though she’d ordered him to leave.
But she had to let go. The happily-ever-after dream she’d imagined with Niall was like a Chinese lantern. Lovely to look at, but as flimsy as the winds that carried it far, far away...if it’d ever been within reach at all.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
A SHARP BUZZING startled Chairman Meow from Niall’s chest. He scampered under the couch, only the swishing tip of his tail appearing from beneath the upholstery’s edge.
Niall lumbered to his feet and trudged to the intercom.
“Yes?” he asked, a small part of him, a very small part, wondering if it might be Kayleigh—though after a week of not hearing from her, he knew it wasn’t. Would never be, and the thought tore him apart again.
“Pizza.”
Niall pressed the button to admit the deliveryman and headed to the kitchen for his wallet. He searched for it through the debris covering his counters and found it beneath an empty cereal box, a used bowl and spoon beside it. When had he eaten breakfast? His stomach rumbled. Not today.
The past week had rolled by like a fog, and he couldn’t hold on to its events any easier than he could have grasped a fistful of cloud. He’d spent hours on the couch, clenched in a knot, unable to sleep, unable to turn his mind to other things, unable to stop himself from remembering. Again. And again. And again.
At the knock on his door, Chairman Meow’s pink, twitching nose poked from beneath the furniture. Was he smelling the cheese? At least one of them would enjoy the solitary meal.
A teenager with features too large for his narrow face and rounded, boyish shoulders grinned when Niall opened the door. “Pepperoni and sausage with a side of anchovies?”
He handed the kid the money, then added a tip. “Thanks.”
“Haven’t seen you in a while,” the boy said as he passed over the box and pocketed the cash. “Used to come here at least twice a week but you haven’t ordered in, what, almost a couple of months. Where’ve you been?”
“Nowhere,” Niall muttered, then nodded goodbye and shut the door.
Only that wasn’t true, he thought as he swept newspapers from his coffee table and dropped the box on it. Nowhere was where he’d been before the past eight weeks. Because of Kayleigh, the cogs of his life had spun again, a forward momentum that had propelled him into the world and out of this claustrophobic space.
The gray cat leaped onto the coffee table and sidestepped empty soda cans and protein bar wrappers to reach the box, the briny smell of anchovies drawing him.
Niall opened the Styrofoam container of fish and put it on the floor. “Dinner is served,” he muttered, but made no move to pick up a slice for himself. Nothing could fill up the emptiness in him. The pizza had been a mistake. Since leaving Kayleigh, a dark space inside had opened, and it yawned wider and deeper each day. Eventually, it’d swallow him whole.
His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, and his eyes squeezed shut, the persistent ache that’d settled in his bones throbbing. He missed her. Once in a while, he imagined he heard her when footsteps passed his apartment. In that one moment, he’d feel perfectly happy until the truth clubbed him back to reality.
She was never coming over again, wouldn’t see him or even think about him. As she said, she wanted him to stay away. Ironic that he’d wanted to disappear from life when he’d returned from the war. Yet now he wished for nothing more than to be with the woman he loved. He ached to think that she’d forget him. As for him, he’d never stop recalling their time together, not growing up, and especially not these past few weeks.
By lifting his blinds and opening his windows, she’d let in a pet he now cherished. After he’d met Chris’s family, she’d shown him a path to the redemption he needed. And while he’d achieved that by helping Josh overcome his anger issues and Kayleigh succeed with her app, he wanted more.
How had he thought that his own suffering would repay the debt he owed Chris?
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that his thinking had been completely wrong. The only way to repay someone for saving your life was to make it worthy of the sacrifice. Something sharp scraped his bare foot, and he reached down to pick up one of MaryAnne’s hair clips. Even she’d heeded his sharp warnings this week and had stayed away.
But hiding from the world, his family and friends, was not making a difference, he realized as he studied his sister’s clip. Shame slammed into him at the realization. Kayleigh was right. He was a coward, only thinking of himself. His sister worried about him, and he should ease her mind, not push her away.
Chairmen Meow jumped back onto his lap and began licking a front paw and washing his face. Niall stroked the cat’s back, no longer able to feel its vertebrae now that he gave him regular meals. Here, at least, he was making a difference. If the apartment building owner ever found out about the cat, he’d move. He knew that Chairman Meow had saved him as surely as he’d rescued the stray. Just like Kayleigh and Josh had freed him from the suspended animation of his old life. Could he return to the void again?
His hand froze on Chairman’s Meow’s back as his eye caught a picture he’d printed, framed and placed beside his computer. It was the shot the elderly man had taken of him and Kayleigh at the Japanese Hill-and-Pond Garden. He’d told them to look as if they were in love, and from the soft smiles they’d exchanged, he knew that, on his part, it’d been no act.
He limped on his old prosthetic to cross the room and grab the picture. Kayleigh’s gray eyes glowed, her naturally pink mouth curved in a way that made him wish, fiercely, that he could kiss her again. Hold her. But that would never happen if he retreated from life again.
A week of stifling loneliness proved that he couldn’t go back to his old ways. Speaking about what had happened in Kunar had released the pressure that had made it hard to push through each day. It had nudged his burden into a corner of his mind where he could safely view it from a distance.
With his secret gone, his heart no longer full of regret, he was open and ready to commit to Kayleigh. Only, it was too late. He was now the last person she’d ever love.
A hard, fishy-smelling tongue scraped against his jaw as Chairman Meow stood on his back paws and gave him a cat kiss.
A smile ghosted across Niall’s face. Here was the love he craved, and he’d done nothing more than let it into his life. Could it ever be that simple with Kayleigh? She was the only woman he’d ever love. If he couldn’t work things out with her, he would sink and never surface again. There was simply no one else for him.
He grabbed the pizza box and headed for the kitchen. It was pointless to stare at it. Chairman Meow wove in and out of his legs, nearly tripping him until he stopped and gave the tall cat a behind-the-ear scratch.
Kayleigh had said that he put his needs first, had called him a deceiver, and he couldn’t deny it. He shouldn’t have taken the letter. It’d been wrong to keep it from her until the app was finished. It had been her call to make whether he completed the product. Not his. He’d done what he’d thought was best without considering her feelings, and she’d been right to call him out on it. To send him away. He’d behaved as selfishly as Brett, her parents or others who’d taken control of her life.
He stuffed the pizza slices into plastic bags, then opened his empty refrigerator. He’d told Kayleigh he wasn’t anyone’s hero, and it was true. Heroes rushed toward danger, like Chris. They didn’t hide in dark apartments or give up. Both of which he was doing now.
After putting the food away, he closed the fridge and studied a brightly colored flyer beneath a magnet on its door. The High Dive Enterprises promotional-e
vent announcement. He ran his fingers over Kayleigh’s name at the bottom of the sheet. It was tonight. She was there, and he should be, too.
He wasn’t a fairy-tale prince—perfect, charming and brave in every way. He glanced down at his prosthetic. Beast was the closest he’d come to a hero—transformed by fate, bitter about his situation but wanting to be a better man because of the woman of his dreams. Kayleigh.
Heroes could come in all shapes and styles, and he needed to act like one. He glanced at his watch. Six o’clock. If he hurried, he’d make it to the event and show Kayleigh that he was man enough to face his mistakes. To fight to make things right.
He strode to his room and pulled a dress shirt and tie from the hangers, along with matching slacks. When she saw him again, she wouldn’t see the old Niall. He didn’t exist anymore. This one confronted his worst fears. Even if it was Kayleigh’s rejection. He’d faced it once, and he’d survive it again. Courage wasn’t acting when you already knew the outcome. Bravery happened when you took action without knowing the results.
He loved her too much not to give it another try.
* * *
KAYLEIGH SAT AT a round white cloth-covered table, a pink, yellow and white floral centerpiece perfuming the early-evening air. Though she barely smelled it. In fact, since hearing Niall’s stunning confession, and having it all confirmed by a sympathetic military official, a numbness had seized her, dulling all of her senses. And she welcomed it. The pain of Niall’s betrayal was a blow to her heart. Anytime she thought about it, she struggled to breathe.
Josh, on the other hand, texted her every day, wanting to get Niall’s phone number. He wasn’t mad at Niall, Beth said, and neither was she. They were worried about how he was doing.
But did Niall care about them? About her?
She glanced at the arrival of an ice sculpture of two intermeshed hearts, her start-up’s logo, and drew a line through an item on her to-do list. Everything was ready for the promotional event with her gramps’s assisted-living home.