by Amira Rain
I’m texting you because my mom is forcing me to again. Your aunt has been in another car accident. The police think she’s been doing it on purpose and that she’s been trying to kill herself. They think this because she’s been crashing into big trees on empty, dry roads, and both times, there hasn’t been any brake marks on the road. She’s fine this time except for ten new stitches on her head. Your uncle left her four months ago and moved to California with his dental hygienist, my mom wants you to know.
She also says to tell you that your aunt’s church kicked her out because she showed up to a prayer group drunk two months ago and slapped the pastor’s wife. After that, everyone in town turned against her. So, basically, my mom is her only friend now, and my mom doesn’t even really like her. She did send flowers to the mental hospital place where the police have your aunt locked up. It’s called Golden Oaks, in Moxon. If you want any more info, text my mom directly. I’m sick of relaying these messages.
Groaning loudly, I set my phone on a side table and then buried my face in my hands with my elbows on my knees. Chrissy giggled, and after a few moments, I looked up at her.
“Oh, Chrissy, what am I going to do?”
Not like I really expected Chrissy to do much in the way of answering, but before she could even giggle again, Jen poked her head out the front door.
“Did you groan for me, Syd? It sounded like you groaned out my name.”
She’d been washing pots and pans from her very large breakfast, and I’d forgotten that she could even hear me with the kitchen windows open.
Normally, her asking me a question such as if I’d “groaned” for her would have made me laugh out loud, but at present, I couldn’t have even smiled if my life had depended on it.
I told Jen I was sorry she’d come all the way out to the porch. “I was just groaning just to groan. Wasn’t groaning anyone’s name in particular.”
“Well, what made you groan just to groan, then?”
I sighed. “It’s kind of a long story, but I’ll tell it to you if you want.”
Saying that she did want, Jen came out and had a seat beside me. “I’m all ears. The last pan needs to soak longer, anyway. It turns out that when you fry a ham steak in a glaze of maple syrup, honey, and brown sugar, it makes kind of a huge mess.”
It had also made quite a burned mess, which had set off the smoke alarm, which Jen and I had had extreme difficulty in shutting off. Carol had recently installed it, but she wasn’t even at home anymore, having left to fly to a weeklong writer’s conference in Boston a few days earlier. While Jen tried to reach her by phone with no success, I got up on a chair and tried simply pushing the button marked STOP on the smoke detector, even though this hadn’t worked the first time I’d done it. It didn’t work on this second attempt, either, so I began trying to twist the smoke detector off its base to remove the battery. However, it didn’t even twist an inch, as if it were superglued.
By this time, Chrissy was wailing just about as loudly as the smoke detector was pealing, and even though I’d taken Jen’s pan off the heat, it was still smoking a little, and I didn’t want Chrissy to breathe any of it in. So, I told Jen that I had to take her out to the living room.
“Just keep fanning the smoke detector, and open the front door, too. It’ll shut off eventually, with any luck.”
Jen frowned, then spoke just as loudly as I had to be heard above the blaring alarm. “Why will taking all my clothes off help?”
Knowing she hadn’t heard a word I’d said, except maybe off, but not wanting to take the time to completely repeat myself, I simply yelled for her to keep fanning the smoke detector before grabbing Chrissy and dashing out of the kitchen.
About a full five minutes later, Jen ended up shutting off the smoke detector by prying it from the wall with a spatula and then stomping on it.
“That was even a little bit fun!” she’d said afterward.
I wasn’t so sure about “fun,” but the experience had definitely woken me up more than my coffee had.
At present, out on the porch, I began explaining what had brought about my groan by first telling Jen a few things about my recent dealings with Pam. I then read her the text that Kayley had sent me. When I was finished, Jen was uncharacteristically quiet, only saying wow.
Setting my phone back on the side table, I agreed. “Wow, indeed.”
“So, what do you think you’re gonna do?”
Like I’d done to accidentally summon Jen out to the porch, I groaned, raking my hands down my face. “Oh my God…I just have no idea what to do. I have no idea what I should do.”
“Well…it sounds to me like your aunt could probably really use some family right now.”
“Yeah, I know, but….” I paused, sighing. “My aunt is just such a bitch, Jen. I just really, really don’t want to deal with her anymore. Especially not right now. Lord knows I have enough problems.”
Jen agreed. “Yeah. You do, but…wouldn’t it feel so terrible to feel so bad that you try to crash your car into a tree because you just want to die?”
I thought about it, mentally agreeing that it would feel so terrible. However, a sigh was the only audible response I could muster, and after a few moments, Jen spoke again.
“You know, maybe your aunt doesn’t even really want to die, but maybe she just keeps trying to crash her car just because she wants to see if anyone’s gonna stop her. I’ve done things in my life before just to see if anyone was gonna stop me, like two summers ago when I bought a kiddie pool, and I put it in the backyard, and I filled it with ninety pounds of chocolate chips from the warehouse store in Sweetwater. Then, when the sun melted the chocolate, I swam in it, and I even drank some of it. And no one stopped me.”
Confused, I looked over at Jen. “Well, so…are you saying that you think my Aunt Pam truly wants to be stopped, or not?”
Jen shrugged. “I don’t know. But since dying by crashing a car into a tree probably isn’t nearly as fun as literally swimming in chocolate, I’d guess that even if she doesn’t realize it…deep, deep down, your aunt probably wants to be stopped. And she’s probably curious if anyone will do it, and if so, who that person will be.”
“Well, it’s not like I can ride in a car with her for the rest of her life to stop her from trying to kill herself.”
“No, but you can tell her that you care if she kills herself. You can tell her that you want her to stay here on earth for now, along with everyone else. Who knows? Maybe she’s just waiting to see if anyone she knows is gonna say that to her. Maybe she’s just waiting to see if anyone’s gonna stick by her through all this, and still be her friend, even though she keeps trying to slap everyone away.”
Deep in thought, I could only muster a deep sigh as a response, and Jen spoke again after a few moments.
“I won’t tell you what to do, but I know what you’re going to do anyway. You’re going to decide to go visit your aunt at the mental hospital. How do I know this? Because it’s just the kind of person you are. I also know this because you’re a good, loving mom, and you always want to set a good example for Chrissy. I know you’d never want her to know that you turned your back on a family member who was going through a really hard time and trying to kill themselves.”
Watching Chrissy happily knocking her little plastic blocks together with one in each hand, I sighed. “You really know how to lay it on thick, Jen.”
She laughed. “You’re not lying! Did you see my pancakes earlier? Did you see how thick I spread the frosting on them? I never thought I’d say this in my life, but it was almost too much frosting. Ate it all, though, didn’t I? That half a burned ham steak just left me starving.”
That morning, Jen had concluded that since the word pancakes included the word cake, they should probably be eaten with frosting. She’d then proceeded to spread a half a jar of vanilla frosting on a pancake, which she’d topped with another pancake, and then had spread the rest of the frosting on that one before topping it with another panca
ke. Rolling the sides of the creation in rainbow-colored candy sprinkles had made it look more like a double-decker ice cream sandwich more than anything.
Soon I agreed that I’d go to visit Pam in the mental hospital.
Jen said that was great. “I’ll go wrap up a plate of those lemon bars I made last night so that you have something to bring her for a treat. Scientists have proven that eating anything lemon-tasting reduces sad feelings by up to eighty-three percent, you know.”
I wasn’t too sure about that claim, but I thanked Jen for giving me a treat to bring, anyway.
An hour or so later, she’d left for a day in Sweetwater. I began cleaning up the kitchen after feeding Chrissy a snack of homemade applesauce, deciding that I’d probably go visit Pam that afternoon, when Chrissy usually took a two-hour nap. Mel would be home by then, and I didn’t think she’d mind keeping an eye on Chrissy while she slept. Even still, I decided I’d send her a text right then just to make sure.
I pulled my phone from my pocket, which made me think of Hayden for some reason, and it was only then that I realized that he might not even let me drive to Moxon anyway. After all, since he wouldn’t even let me travel to Sweetwater before the Warren situation was resolved, it only stood to reason that he’d feel the same about a trip in the opposite direction, especially since Moxon was even further away.
“Dammit.”
Sitting up on a bright pink felt play mat on the floor, Chrissy suddenly looked up and giggled, making me realize that I needed to be more careful not to swear around her. Unless I wanted her third word to be dammit.
Picking her up from her little mat, I smiled, and then gave her a big kiss and a squeeze. “Don’t say what Mama says, okay? Don’t say dammit.”
Smiling, she gurgled, making a sound that sounded something like okay, or at least oh-zhay, which made me laugh.
“Good girl.”
I smiled at her, hearing someone coming in the house just then. I looked out to the foyer and saw Hayden. Instantly, the smile faded from my lips, not to return anytime soon.
*
I asked Hayden what he was doing home, and he said he’d just had a spare few minutes between patrol shift change. “So, I just thought I’d come see you and Chrissy for a bit.”
It wasn’t lost on me that he’d said you and Chrissy and not just Chrissy. A few days before, after we’d had a particularly lengthy fight, he’d come home on a break from patrol saying that he’d just stopped by to see Chrissy.
Not exactly sure how to react to this new, inclusive Hayden, I said nothing at first and just watched while he held Chrissy and walked around with her for a while, kissing her chubby little cheeks and occasionally lifting her high in the air, which made her shriek with joy. However, when he casually asked how my day was going, I finally spoke, saying it had been going just fine.
He said that was good, then gave Chrissy a kiss and handed her back to me, saying that he should probably go.
I asked him to please wait. “I just want to ask you something.”
“What is it?”
“Do you mind if I drive to Moxon this afternoon? I’ll be gone just two or three hours…and Mel can probably watch Chrissy while she—”
“Absolutely not.”
Shocked by his tone, even though I’d completely expected it, I could only stare at him for a long moment. “That’s it? Just ‘absolutely not?’ No discussion, no—”
“That’s right. Just absolutely not. I don’t even care what the reason is, I can’t let you leave the property. As we’ve discussed before—”
“My Aunt Pam tried to kill herself, Hayden. She crashed her car into a tree. Again. Now she’s in a mental hospital in Moxon, and no one has gone to visit her just to make sure she’s okay.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but you’re still not going. Someone else will have to go visit her.”
“But there’s no one else who will. My uncle left her months ago, and she slapped the pastor’s wife, and everyone else in town turned against her—”
“Sydney, I don’t care. My priority is keeping you safe, whether you like it or not.”
“And I understand that, but I don’t think a three-hour trip—”
“I don’t want you more than a mile from me for a single minute until this situation with the Warrens is resolved.”
“Then, come to Moxon with me.”
“And leave Chrissy alone here on the farm without the strongest Watcher in the state to protect her?”
“Then, you stay here with Chrissy, and I’ll take Sam or someone with me.”
With his nostrils flaring just slightly, Hayden clenched his strong jaw for a moment. “No.”
Sitting on the island, my phone began going off with my ringtone for Jen, and I waited until it had stopped to respond to Hayden.
“Do you remember when I first came here to the farm, and I saw you killing that shapeshifting Warren, and I called you a monster? You know, I’ve heard some things about you recently, specifically things about how you’ve been killing the Warrens, that make me think that my initial assessment of you was right. And then now with you refusing to let me leave the farm to visit a woman who’s just tried to kill herself…now I’m almost sure of it, Hayden. I’m starting to become convinced that you’re some kind of a monster.”
Still in my arms, Chrissy began quietly fussing, but Hayden ignored her.
“Is that what you really think of me? That I’m a monster? You might actually be right, Sydney, because I’ve got to tell you…any man who spends nearly his every waking moment protecting his wife and child must be some kind of a monster, but not in a negative sense, how you’re thinking. I’d personally say that a man who’s a monster when it comes to protecting his family is a man of quality. I’d personally say that he’s a man who loves his family so much that he’s willing to do literally anything to keep them safe. But you think what you want, though. You never try to understand my side of things, so I know you will anyway.”
I did often try to understand his side of things, but deep in my heart, I knew he was right at least on some level. I didn’t try to understand his side of things enough.
It didn’t even matter anymore, though, because I suddenly realized I was crying, feeling completely emotionally spent.
“Hayden, I think I want a divorce. Chrissy is a miracle, but I just don’t think that we, as a couple, were ever meant to be together.”
Eyes widening, Hayden said that I couldn’t really mean that.
With tears now streaming down my face, I said that I did. “We’re just not working out. You may be the man I always wanted, but this isn’t the life I always wanted. Not a life where I only see my husband for five minutes a day, and where I can’t even leave the property where I live, and—”
“But all that stuff is just temporary. After we deal with the Warrens—”
“No, Hayden, I’m done. I’m just completely, totally done. I’m not spending another few months of my life, or even another few days, living like this, like a prisoner in my own home, just waiting for an enemy to attack, when they’re never going to anyway. I’m just not doing it anymore. Even if it means dissolving our marriage, then so be it. I’m just not doing it anymore.”
“Well, whether you truly want a divorce or not—”
“I do.”
“It still doesn’t change anything with the Warrens, and I still can’t let you leave the farm.”
Feeling hemmed in or tethered or something in a way that I just found almost unbearable, I sidestepped Hayden, rudely bumping him with my shoulder as I went past him. “Fine, then, Chrissy and I will stay on the farm. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to stay married to you, Hayden.”
Several feet away from him now, I turned to see the reaction that my words had produced and found Hayden scowling.
“All right. So, we’ll get divorced. I certainly don’t want to stay married to a woman who thinks I spend nearly every waking minute out running guard patrol just for my own selfish pl
easure.”
Chrissy had been quietly whining in my arms, and she now suddenly began howling.
Bouncing her a bit, I glared at Hayden. “Just look what you’ve done! We were having a completely happy day here at the house before you showed up!”
“Well, I think any woman who can manage to have a ‘completely happy day’ after learning that her aunt has tried to kill herself is a complete witch!”
I gasped. Chrissy began bawling so hard she went silent.
Hayden began striding toward the front door. “Don’t worry, Sydney. The next time I get a break from patrol, I won’t waste it coming here to the house. I’ll spend my time getting your divorce papers drawn up instead.”
A second later, a borderline slam of the front door made his departure official. My phone began ringing with Jen’s ringtone again. Chrissy finally caught her breath and began wailing loud enough to actually hurt my ears. Still crying myself, I brought her out to the living room, sat down on the couch with her, and held her to my chest while I bawled right along with her.
After a few minutes, Chrissy and I somehow fell asleep for maybe twenty minutes or so. Chrissy woke up first, then woke me up by babbling a single word in a sad, piteous sort of voice.
“Dada.”
Shocked, I flicked open my eyes. “What did you just say, baby girl?”
With her big blue eyes filling with tears, Chrissy stuck out her trembling lower lip briefly before saying what I thought she’d said once again. “Dada.”
Now my eyes refilled with tears. “I’m sorry, baby, but Dada went bye-bye. He’s gone.”
Chrissy began sniffling, sending a big fat tear rolling down one of her chubby little cheeks. “Dada.”
My own cheeks soon became tear-streaked again, betraying how I really felt deep in my heart. I didn’t want a divorce from Hayden. Something about my mini-nap had given me a little clarity, and I knew that now. I still loved him and knew I always would. I just simply wanted everything with the Warrens to end.
How do I fix what I said, though? I wondered.