Leaning across the center console, he pressed his mouth to mine and began to devour me. I returned his kiss with far less passion that I had three months ago, my open eyes studying his lowered lids. Something was missing, but I tried to tell myself I only felt awkward because it had been so long. We still had a lot to talk about, including out break-up and what was next for us.
This is what you wanted, I reminded myself as Aaron broke the kiss, punctuating it with a chaste peck on the cheek.
“I missed you,” he murmured. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for us to move forward with all our plans. I’m just sorry things got delayed because I was too stupid to realize how perfect you are for me. I hope you’ll let me make it up to you.”
I smiled again and nodded, but still couldn’t find words. I didn’t know what to say. Seeming content with my silent agreement for now, Aaron threw the car into drive and guided the car out of the lot.
“I’m sure you’re anxious to see everyone,” he said, his gaze focused on the road. “Jenn and Chloe wanted to throw you a welcome home party, and I couldn’t talk them out of it. I did manage to get them not to have it tonight. Figured it would be a bit much for you on your first day back.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, I allowed myself to relax. “Thank you. You’re right, I’m not quite ready to see everyone all at once. I’ll call them once we get back.”
Sneaking a glance at me, he smirked. “They have all your stuff at their new place. We can go pick it up tomorrow if you want. For now, I think you can just wear my stuff to bed.”
At the thought of going to bed with him, I felt my throat beginning to constrict. “Aaron—”
As if he hadn’t heard me, he continued on as he merged onto the highway. “I have the whole evening planned, just me and you. I went to the store last night and got all your favorites to cook. So, you just be ready to relax and let me take care of you.”
Swallowing, I gazed down at my hands and found that I had begun clutching the fingers of my right hand with my left. I trembled and closed my eyes.
This was all wrong. It wasn’t what I’d wanted at all.
“Stop,” I whispered.
A beat of silence passed before Aaron spoke. “What?”
“Stop the car,” I replied.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, glancing in the rearview mirror, seeming to search for a gap in traffic so he could get over. “Do you feel sick?”
“Yes,” I said, which wasn’t exactly a lie.
Nodding in understanding, he found an opening and pulled over, placing the car in park. Before he could say anything, I took off my seatbelt and threw myself out of the car, stumbling over the uneven shoulder as I took a few steps from the car. Running a hand through my hair, I closed my eyes and tried not to hurl. The fumes coming from the cars speeding past us only exacerbated the churning in my stomach.
“Kinsley, what’s wrong?” Aaron questioned, genuine concern on his face.
Pressing a hand to my middle, I searched for the courage to look at him. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t do what?” he asked.
“This!” I insisted. “Pretend like everything is okay now, like I haven’t changed. I can’t go home with you … I can’t move in with you! I can’t go back to my old life and act like everything is perfect!”
Reaching out for me, he grasped my shoulders. “Okay, look, I know you might be overwhelmed right now, but everything is going to be okay. You’re better now, we’re going home, and I love you. That’s what matters right now. Everything else will work out. We’ll work it out.”
Shaking my head, I finally met his gaze. Surprisingly, I couldn’t conjure as single tear. I think I’d cried them all when Aaron had dumped me, and now all I could feel was relief as I spoke the truth for the first time in months where he was concerned.
“No, Aaron,” I replied. “You and I … we can’t be together again.”
He started, blinking rapidly as if he couldn’t believe what he’d heard. “What?”
“I love you,” I said. “And I mean that. You were my first love, and a part of me will always love you. But I can’t be what you want me to be. I’m sorry if you feel I led you on, but it just hit me. This isn’t good for me anymore.”
Tightening his grip on my shoulders, he widened his eyes. “I don’t understand. You’re Kinsley … you’re my Kinsley. I’ve always loved you for who you are.”
“That’s just it,” I replied. “You don’t know who I am, and that’s my fault, because when we were together, even I didn’t know who I was. Ever since you came back into my life, all you’ve talked about is going back to the way things were, about me being who I was. But that isn’t what I want … I can’t be that girl again, because she’s not real, Aaron. I can’t be perfect little Kinsley for you, or anyone else.”
Nodding, Aaron sighed. “Okay, I hear you. But we can work this out. You’ve changed, and I can accept that. We can still be together.”
“We can’t,” I countered, shrugging out of his hold. “And it’s not because you hurt me, or because I want to get back at you. It’s because I need to start over. I need to think about what it is I want, and who it is I want to be. I can tell you, it’s not a cheerleader, or a financial guru, or a perfect student, or the perfect wife. It’s someone far more interesting, and far more amazing than anyone I could imagine.”
Aaron studied me in silence for a long while before running a hand over his freshly shaved hair. “I can’t believe this. After all we’ve been through, all the ups and downs … that’s it? We’re done?”
Coming toward him, I took one of his hands. “Aaron, you are literally the perfect guy. This isn’t about you … for once, this is about me. I need you to understand that. I’ve put me last for so long, and it’s been killing me. I’m barely back, and my life is going to be a battle from now on. I’m not ‘better’. I’m not ‘healed’. I’m surviving, and recovering, one day at a time. I need to be with someone who can understand that. I don’t think I could ever be the old me again, and that’s who you fell in love with. She isn’t real, Aaron … she isn’t me. I think you were right to end things the first time, even though I couldn’t see it.”
For a long time, we both stood in silent, first looking at each other, then off in different directions. While things had become awkward between us now, I felt lighter, as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I’d never felt more free, or more like I’d made the right decision in my life. Except maybe when deciding on my new career path.
“I’m scared,” I whispered. “But I have to do this. I have to change, or I’m not going to make it.”
Finally, Aaron cleared his throat and spoke. “I might not like this, but I understand. You have to do what you have to do, and I guess someday I’ll find a girl I want to be with as much as I want to be with you.”
“I hope you do,” I replied. “You deserve it.”
Reaching out to stroke my cheek, he smiled, then kissed my forehead. “So do you.”
I wrapped my arms around him and we hugged. For the first time since our breakup, it felt genuine. I felt sorry for hurting him, but I knew I’d made the right decision for me.
“Come on,” he murmured, placing a hand at the small of my back and nudging me toward the car. “I’ll take you wherever you want to go once we’re back in Austin.”
Feeling much better about enduring the car ride home now, I climbed back in and let Aaron close my door. As he pulled back into traffic, I relaxed against the seat and eased back into conversation with him about all I’d been through in the past ninety days. I conveniently left Royce out of the discussion, not certain how he would take it when we had only just finished discussing the end of our own relationship. Besides, what I’d had with Royce couldn’t really have been called a relationship. Sadly, it wasn’t something I could name, because it wasn’t even supposed to have happened. It had been so fleeting, that it could hardly be said to have happened at all.
&n
bsp; Chapter Eighteen
That night saw me on Jenn and Chloe’s doorstep, toting my suitcase and canvases. Opening the door to their new apartment to find me on the other side, Chloe collapsed into a fit of tears and excited screams, pulling me into her arms and bouncing up and down. Running from the open door of one of the bedrooms with hot wax strips still attached to her legs, Jenn took us in with wide eyes. Then, letting out a scream eerily similar to Chloe’s, she dashed across the living room to throw her arms around us. Standing in a tight circle, we clung to each other and sobbed.
After a while, Chloe let go and stepped back, looking me over from head to toe. “You look like you … only, different. Right, Jenn?”
Swiping at her damp eyes, Jenn nodded. She’d cut her hair, and it framed her face in a cute, wavy brown bob. “She’s right. You look like your old self, only better. You’re glowing, Kins.”
Raising my eyebrows, I lifted my canvases from their place leaning against the hallway wall. “Are you going to let me in?”
Chloe’s eyes widened and she laughed, seeming to just now realize we stood in the open doorway. “Girl, get your cute butt in here! You can put your bag in Jenn’s room and bunk up with her since Luke is gone for the next six months. You can help me finish waxing Jenn, and then I’ll make us some margaritas so we can catch up.”
Jenn took my canvases, and I rolled my bag into the apartment, closing the door behind me.
“Since when do we wax?” I called out as I pulled my bag toward the open door of the room Jenn shared with Luke.
“Since Chloe bullied me into trying it,” Jenn replied, her voice carrying from the living room.
Hands braced on her hips, Chloe glared at Jenn from across the living room. “You’ll thank me when you realize it’s better than shaving.”
“I don’t even know why I’m doing this,” she grumbled, flopping on the couch and propping her feet up on the coffee table. “My man is gone for six months, so it’s not like anyone is here to appreciate the effort.”
“I’ll appreciate it when I don’t have to look at those sasquatch legs every morning,” Chloe muttered, sitting down on the coffee table and taking one of Jenn’s legs. Setting the foot in her lap, she reached for one of the wax strips. “We should hurry and finish this before Chase gets home from work. You know how freaked out he gets about women’s grooming habits. Ready?”
Jenn shook her head in the negative, but still murmured a half-hearted ‘yes’ out loud. I lowered myself onto the couch next to Jenn, cringing as the first strip came off.
“Son of a bitch!” Jenn cried, muffling her screams of agony in a pillow, as one after the other, Chloe ripped away the strips to reveal smooth, bare legs.
After she had been soothed with some aloe, Jenn gave me a tour of the new place. Apparently, once Jenn and Luke had become engaged, they’d gone about looking for a new place to live. Now a college grad, Chloe had also needed to move out of our on-campus apartment. While Chase was still a graduate student, and would be for another year, he didn’t need to live on campus, and was happy to go wherever Chloe went. So, the four had decided to get a place together downtown, in a location central to everyone’s job. It was smaller than our old place, only one floor with two bedrooms and one bathroom, but it was comfortable and seemed to work for them. While I felt at home being with my two best friends again, I also felt a bit out of place in a home that belonged to two couples.
After finishing our margaritas, Chloe handed them out, and we gathered around the small kitchen table to catch up. Jenn told me all about her new nursing job, while Chloe excitedly informed me that her internship at the Austin-American Statesman, the city newspaper, had become a paying job. She and Chase were planning their wedding for next summer, and there had even been a discussion about a double ceremony including Jenn and Luke.
“What about Christian?” I asked. “What’s he up to these days?”
Exchanging glances, the two seemed to be trying to decide how to break the news to me. I frowned, now beyond concerned.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Is he okay?”
Jenn nodded. “He’s okay. Recovering well from his injury, and he doesn’t need the cane anymore. It’s just … we haven’t seen him much, but I know something is going on with him.”
“He was offered a job assistant coaching at his old high school, but he turned it down,” Chloe added. “He’s back at his parents’ for the time being, but it almost seems like he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. Poor guy is lost … it’s as if now that he’s graduated, he doesn’t really want what he thought he did.”
“Has anyone gone to see him? Or at least tried to talk to him about all this?” I asked, growing more alarmed the longer I listened to them.
Everyone knew football was in Christian’s blood, and it was all he’d ever wanted to do. Coaching had been his dream for so long, I couldn’t imagine why he would turn down such a great job.
“Of course we have,” Jenn replied. “Luke’s been in constant contact trying to figure out what’s going on with him, but he’s not telling him much. Whatever is happening with him, it’s affected his decision about what he’s going to do with his life. I guess only time will tell if that’s a good thing or a bad one.”
“Maybe you can get more out of him than we could,” Chloe suggested. “You should go visit him when you’re ready. He’ll be happy to see you.”
Nodding, I took a slow sip of my drink and decided to do just that. “I will.”
“So, now it’s your turn,” Jenn said after a beat of silence. “Do you know what you’re going to do now that you’re home?”
Taking a deep breath, I launched into a run-down of pretty much everything that had happened in the past ninety days. I even included my confusing feelings for Royce, my new friendship with Dawn and how she’d almost killed herself, and my decision to change my major.
“Does this mean you’re going to have to start all the way over?” Jenn asked, wrinkling her brow. “I mean, you spent four years in school studying math, and now you’re just going to throw it all away?”
I laughed. “You sound like my mom.”
She shuddered. “Yikes. Anytime I start to sound like someone’s mom, pinch me.”
Chloe obliged her, taking a huge chunk of Jenn’s arm between her thumb and forefinger and giving it a twist. While Jenn glared at her and rubbed the red spot on her skin, Chloe served up a second batch of drinks.
“I think what Jenn is trying to say,” she said, “is that we support your decision, but we just want to make sure you are making the right one.”
I nodded, clasping my hands around the cold glass and staring at the little beads of perspiration along the sides.
“I know it seems rash,” I said. “But, it’s what I want to do. You guys may not understand yet, because you’ve never really known me as an artist. It was a part of myself that I left behind, and I pushed it aside to make room for the things I thought I wanted. But really, I was trying to be someone I’m not—the perfect girl, with the perfect boyfriend, and perfect grades, and the perfect wedding after graduation. I realized that trying to fit into that mold was killing me … I mean, you guys saw that first hand. So, to answer your question, no I don’t have to start over as a freshman. All my core classes count toward the new major, so it’ll be like going back to the halfway point, that’s all.”
Reaching out to take my hand, Jenn gave it a squeeze. “I’m proud of you for doing what you think is right. Of course we’ve got your back. We aren’t going anywhere.”
“Now that the mushy stuff is out of the way,” Chloe said, wiggling her eyebrows, “tell us about Mr. Hottie with the body.”
I laughed, feeling my face go hot at the thought of Royce. “There isn’t much to tell.”
“Like hell there isn’t,” Jenn insisted. “You got this look in your eye when you talked about him … I’ve never seen you like this, not even about Aaron.”
I shrugged. “Maybe that’s be
cause me and Aaron weren’t real. At least, on my end it wasn’t real … I think, maybe I did truly love him, but I didn’t love myself enough to realize I was trying to be someone I wasn’t to be with him.”
“But you don’t feel that way with Royce,” Jenn said in a teasing tone, leaning over to nudge me with her shoulder.
“No, I don’t,” I replied. “He knows all the worst things about me, and he’s still … interested. He’s got his share of problems, too, and while he seemed perfect on the surface, knowing what there is hiding deep down just makes me more attracted. Almost like finding a kindred spirit.”
“Wow,” Chloe said. “Sounds like you actually met the perfect guy.”
“Perfect for you, anyway,” Jenn amended. “So what’s up? Did you get his number?”
I frowned. “I didn’t think it was a good idea. Honestly we ended so awkwardly, I wouldn’t have known how to tell him I wanted to see him again.”
“But you do, right?” Chloe asked. “Want to … see him, again?”
Sighing, I stared down into my glass and considered the question. Did I miss Royce already? Of course I did. He’d become a part of my daily life at Willow Creek, and I’d come to rely on him for his quiet strength and his simple ability to be there when I needed him to be. But it wasn’t realistic for me to expect anything else from him. I had a new journey to embark on, and he had his own responsibilities and dreams. Our paths had crossed for a short time, but it wasn’t smart to allow myself to long for more than that.
“No,” I decided with a firm shake of my head. “It was just a crush, nothing more. I’m sure it will pass.”
Jenn looked as if she wanted to say something, like she wasn’t sure about my response. Honestly, I wasn’t either, so it was a good thing she didn’t press the issue.
Once Chase came home from work and suggested we all go out for dinner to celebrate my homecoming, I jumped at the chance for a distraction. I spent the rest of my evening laughing over Mexican food—which I had desperately missed, and was able to eat without feeling an ounce of guilt—and trying to convince myself that my answer to Chloe’s question had actually been the truth.
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