by Jill Cooper
“Make a scene and I will call your dad. You’re young. Confused. Trust me; I know where you’re coming from. Everyone feels what you’re feeling now when they’re a teenager.”
“Don’t minimize what I’m feeling. Don’t!” Molly sucks her tears back. “Here I thought we were friends. You always came by the house. Always checking up on me…”
“That was for Lara.”
“Always about Lara, isn’t it?” Molly crosses her arms and gazes at the sidewalk. “You could call me Lara; if it…you know…it would make it better.”
It’s never crossed my mind to smack a girl before, but it does right then. Using all my self-control, I turn from her and walk away. Turning the corner I lift my phone and I bring a number up on speed dial. “Jax, you need to come get your daughter. She’s out of control.”
****
Molly is grieving for Lara her own way.
That’s what everyone says.
“I know it’s painful for you, Don.” Miranda grips be shoulder as I gaze out the window of her home. “Maybe it would be best…I mean, for a little while if you don’t…”
Come around anymore. I know what she’s going to say and part of me feels like I’m losing my family all over again.
“I don’t mean to be such a bitch. I love you, like a son. But right now, Molly’s acting out a lot. If we’re going to get her back on track, we need her to focus. She can’t do that with you around.”
I turn and gaze into Miranda’s eyes.
“She has a crush on you. Thinks you do too.” Miranda says it in a way that says she doesn’t want an answer. Doesn’t want to know.
And I’m too ashamed to give her one.
“I’ll go but when things are calm…”
Miranda nods. She’s sincere as she holds my hands. “I’ll call you. I promise. We’d never give up on you, Don.” She squeezes my cheek like I’m six years old. “You’ve been a Godsend to us. But this is just a blip…everything will go back to the way it was.”
The way it was since Lara disappeared she means.
But I grab my coat and say goodbye. Outside, I find Jax leaning on the railing gazing down at some flowers. There’s a stillness in him that I haven’t felt in some time. “Something on your mind?”
He turns to me and his eyes are dull. “John…killed himself.”
“When?” I demand to know.
“He was found this morning. Jumped right off the Zaccum Bridge. I…haven’t told Miranda yet. Don’t know how.”
I want to show him I care, that I’m sorry, but I don’t know how. “It has to come from you. If it comes from anyone else…”
Jax nods, but it’s slight. “I know. God, I know.” He turns up toward the house and stops. “Everything I did kept John in prison. Everything Lara did she did to save her mother. Him.”
“Don’t.” I warn him with narrow eyes. “Don’t go there. We’ve all blamed each other enough.”
He steps inside. The silence lingers between the flowers and us.
And the shadow of Lara Crane? She always hangs over us, shielding us from the light. Keeping us in the dark.
****
If Lara went into the past, she might be lost forever.
But if she’s in the future then someday I might see her again. If I can live long enough to see it. But with the amount I’ve been drinking, smoking, it’s not clear I’ll ever get to that day.
I’ve lost count on how many years it’s been and it takes me a long time to think back that far.
Twenty years?
Twenty-Five?
I’m middle aged but still good looking. Single. Like a real James, money is the only thing that matters to me anymore. It’s all I have. So I keep making business deals and they keep me flying around the country. Going overseas to the European States and to the Asian District.
Whatever keeps me away from home.
My private jet is nice. Comfortable. And on it I’m able to relax, unbutton the top two buttons of my suit and unwind. I pour a glass of whiskey on the rocks and nurse it like a lover. God knows there haven’t been any of those in a decade.
Maybe even longer.
I’m headed back to Boston now for the first time in eighteen months. I don’t know why I’m even bothering but Miranda’s been checking up on me. Molly too. And I think it’s time I have a conversation with her. Tell her why I’ve been avoiding her.
Other than how much she looks like Lara? A ghost of my past and Molly, damn that Molly. I can’t keep my feelings for her separate for my feelings for Lara.
It’s not right. It’s sick and perverted but I’m a James anyway, right? There’s nothing good about me without Lara.
I’ve heard Molly’s living over in a condo by the back bay. No longer the angry teenager who had the hots for her older would-be-uncle. So I go there even though it’s three in the morning because she told me anytime. Stop by anytime. 3AM seems to qualify, but I know it’s a bad idea.
I stumble out of the limo because I’m drunk. I can barely find the stairs to take me up to her floor and when I ring the bell, some guy answers with brown hair and wash board abs. Like I need the reminder of everything I’m not.
“Sorry,” Pretty sure I’m slurring. “I must have the wrong condo.”
“Donovan James?” He asks with narrow eyes and then a hand swats him away and her face folds into view.
It’s her. Lara.
“Lara?” I whisper and reach for her, but she shakes her head and takes my hand.
Her eyes pity me. “It’s Molly, Don.” She whispers softly then says it again. “Remember, Molly? Lara’s bratty little sister, right?”
“Right.” I roll my eyes to keep from crying and try to walk away, but Molly follows after me. We’re standing in the hallway and in her loose pajamas I can tell she’s pregnant. Just what I need. A reminder that Molly is moving on. Mike is moving on, but me?
I’m stuck in the past like with a beaten down DeLorean that can’t take me where I want to go.
Molly clings to my hand to get me to stop moving. “You look horrible.”
“Yeah, well,” I snort. “You look pregnant.”
Her eyes are wide as they regard me and her tongue clucks along the roof of her mouth. “What was I supposed to do? Wait for you to pull yourself together forever? Realize that Lara’s gone and not coming back?”
I grip my hair with both hands. “We can’t have this conversation. We won’t. You’re Lara’s sister. Her baby sister and anything you ever felt was one sided.”
Her eyes narrow. “Bull it was one sided. Don’t think I don’t know why you stay away. Why you avoid me like I’m contagious.”
“Because you make it harder.” I bare my teeth. I want to grab her, shake her. Or kiss her, but I can’t do any of that.
“I don’t mean to.” Her stance softens. “I don’t mean to, Don.”
I shake my head. “Everything between us, acted on or not, it’s unforgiveable. If she walked out of that elevator, I’d never be able to face her. Never.”
She goes to stroke my arm and I yank it away. “She wouldn’t judge you. She was never that type. She’d want you happy.”
“Well she’d be the only one.” I sound bitterer than I realize I feel. My heart is like stone. “Jax. Mike. I might as well be Jack the Ripper.”
Her eyes are hard as they gaze at me. Judge me. “How they feel about you is my fault. But you’re a good guy. She’s been gone a long time, Don. I hate to see what you’re doing to yourself.”
The pull between us is still there, but now Molly is even less attainable than before. Pregnant and committed to someone else. Jealousy swells inside and I just hate myself more than before. “Coming here was a mistake. I don’t need this kind of pressure from you. None of you.”
“Don, please. You need help. God, look at you.” She eyes me with disgust, her nose pinches upward. “Just look at you. Lara wouldn’t want this for you.”
“Don’t tell me what she’d want.” I point my fi
nger and the emotion, the anger and tears lodge itself inside my chest. It struggles to be free, but I can’t let that happen. I have to hold onto it. I can’t let it go.
Because it’d be like a damn breaking through my chest. I’d never—ever get it to stop.
“She gave it all up for you.” I point my finger into Molly’s chest and in that moment, I hate her. I hate her for everything she is. Everything she has that I don’t. Lara doesn’t have. “Saving you was more important to her than saving anything.”
“You think I don’t know? You think I don’t miss her? But that doesn’t mean…doesn’t mean I can’t live a life? Get married? Have kids?” Molly shakes her head and crosses her arms. It’s the first time I notice her wedding ring or how far along she really is.
“Thanks for inviting me to your wedding.” I turn around and smack my hand on the wall.
“I tried!” Molly screams. “You wouldn’t take my calls. My invitation was returned by your assistant, so don’t tell me I didn’t try!”
I lift my hand to flip her off, but I just keep going. “Go back to your husband.”
Her foot stomps on the ground and she gives her exasperated sigh. “Don, wait. Please!”
But I don’t listen. I get into the elevator and lean my head against the cool metal. When the door slides shut I lose it. I sob and cover my face, sinking to the ground. I sit with my ankles crossed and just cry.
Shoulders heaving.
Snot sniffling.
My life is a shambles. The reason I have to go on, it no longer exists.
The door opens and I can’t even crawl out. It dings over and over. It’s only when I hear the sound of someone clearing their throat that I look up.
It’s Xavier Daniels and he’s holding a gun to my head.
With disinterest I watch him. Does he really think I care if I live or die? I’ve been dead a long time.
He tilts his head and he regards me. “Mr. James, after everything we’ve been through—how we both lost Lara—I’m sad to say it’s come to this.”
I just stare up at him with bloodshot, lifeless eyes.
“I’ve always been against killing, but you—I need to take yours myself because my machines, my specialists tell me that if you live, in exactly three years from today, you’ll undo everything I’ve created. Tomorrow morning you will pull yourself together. Give up drinking. Make it your life’s mission to stop me. It can’t happen.”
Daniels pulls the safety from the gun and I raise my hands. He’s saying somehow I pull myself out of this bottomless pit? That somehow I will rise above it all? It must have been because of Molly. Somehow seeing her—
“I won’t. I promise.” I grovel and stare up at him. A pathetic lonely middle aging man with no one to come help him. No one to come save him.
Daniels laughs. “I’ve heard promises like that before. Good night, Donovan James.”
He fires the gun and there’s warmth between my eyes like the comfort of a blanket, a good shower. And then there’s just nothing.
The stillness and blankness of nothing.
It’s a welcome relief.
Future Cassidy
Morning comes fast when you can’t sleep until well after 2AM. With it comes the steady pulse of a headache. So much has happened. There’s so much information to parse, think about, that I can’t think about anything but brewing that first pot of coffee.
Dressed except for an open dress shirt, I pour the hot liquid gold into travel mugs slosh it with some heavy cream and tighten the lids.
“Thanks, sweetheart.” Jeff kisses my cheek as he takes his travel mug from me and my fingers quickly get busy buttoning up my shirt. By the time I reach for my Rewind jacket, he’s sipping his coffee and giving me a level stare.
Neither of us dare say what we want.
Instead, the little moments between us are cordial and filled with whispers of tenderness.
Quickly I style my hair so my red curls are freshened and I apply some lip gloss. When I return to the kitchen, Jeff is still there and he’s put lunch into a bag for me.
“Awfully nice of you.”
He pulls me into his arms. “Today, I think you’re going to need it.” Jeff’s lips find mine and his hand slips into my pocket, leaving something behind. “Try to find me for lunch if you can.”
My promise is a smile and my hand finds my pocket to feel a note left behind. I don’t pull it out then. Instead I grab my travel mug and head into the office.
Into Rewind. Belly of the beast.
The subway seems to take forever and the walk to my desk feels like a walk of shame as the other officers watch me from behind their morning coffees. I keep my head high even though it’s painful and slide into my chair.
I sip my coffee and finally unfold the note. Please be careful today in everything you do. Tonight, quiet dinner by the fire. Love you forever.
Biting my lip, I crumble the note and slide it back into my jacket pocket. I can’t deny I’m terrified and want to give it all up. Leave Rewind and Daniels alone. But if I do…If I do and the system is corrupt, then how can I sleep at night? I’m supposed to be an officer of the law where the evidence is images from the future. If that can be manipulated all hope is lost.
The captain sticks his head out from his office and waves me on. “Winters, come.”
“Yes, captain.” I take a deep breath and stand, smoothing my pants to steady my nerves, but there’s no calming the rapid pace of my heart.
Mahoney, one of the older officers there nods his head. “You’ll be okay, Cass. You’re a good cop.”
I just hope that’s enough.
****
Captain Franklin Davis’s office is clutter free, just the way he expects all of his officers to operate. He’s a stickler for details and while I have great respect for him and the authority he wields I’ve always been a little terrified of him.
So it’s hard to swallow the lump in my throat as I close the door. When I stand by his desk with my wrists crossed behind my back, Davis points to a chair. “Sit.”
I sit even though I’m jumping with nerves. My back is straight and my hands balance on my knees to keep them from rocking all over the place. “Sir.”
Davis regards me as he leans back in his chair and his fingers net together. If he’s trying to unnerve me, he’s doing a good job. “Quite the little stink we had last night, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. I’m sorry about that, sir.”
He crosses his arms. “I’m sure you are. Mistakes happen. Doesn’t explain why you ran from the security guard at the office though. You could have explained it all away with a few simple words. Instead you ran like a fugitive. And your boyfriend didn’t help any.”
“Guess I didn’t want to explain myself to a lowly security guard. Just wanted to get home.”
Our eyes lock. Davis says, “Hmmm,” and rubs his chin as he considers believing me. I don’t know if he’s buying my story at all and he doesn’t give any clues one way or the other.
“When I spoke with Jeff on the phone he sounded pretty upset. Worried about you. Turns out he just forgot he asked you to go to his office and retrieve his computer?”
“He asked me earlier at dinner. After a few drinks and bed, well he was just forgetful.”
Davis sighs, big and drawn out, like he wants me to know what a headache I’m causing him. “I’m trying to determine which of you need the mental health check-up.”
“Yes, Sir.” My eyes deviate away down at the desk.
“As an officer of the law you know you can’t just borrow someone’s ID to grab something at his office, even if it’s with consent. Not without first notifying security. Especially at Rewind. Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you’re stirring up for this precinct? For me?” Davis stands and paces over to the window.
“Officers must be above reproach no matter the circumstances. No matter what, Winters. There are eyes staring down at us that go above Rewind. If one of us does something above the law, the
n it makes us all appear above the law. And when that happens, Global Law will suffer.”
“It won’t happen again, Sir.” I stand to face him, cross my wrists in front of me.
Our eyes lock and his say they believe me.
“I’d never want to bring judgement down upon you or our office.”
Davis holds up his hand. “Good. I don’t want to have to go to bat for you again with Rewind. Not this year. Not ever. I only have so many favors I can call in.”
I dodged a bullet that day. “I’ll stay out of their line of sight from now on.”
Davis nods his approval. “Whatever you were really doing there, it ends today. I don’t want to see you doing anything outside of what’s on your docket.”
My eyes fall away as I nod. As I make a promise I know I can’t keep. I turn toward the door and Davis asks me one more question.
“Why did you run a search on that name? Where did you hear it?”
“Sir?” I turn with a head tilt.
“Lara Crane.” He says the name with distain. “Where did you hear her name?”
“Where did you hear it?” I whisper my response.
Anger swells in his eyes as his chest puffs out. “You will leave her alone, do you hear me? Forget you’ve ever heard that name. If you don’t…I can’t protect you, Cass. Not from that.”
I wish I could talk to Davis off the record, away from the cameras and the prying eyes that always surround us. What does he know about a woman who went missing fifty years ago and why is she so important? What secrets did she keep that would scare Rewind so thoroughly.
“I better get to work.”
“Make sure that’s all you get to.” The captain’s words resound like a warning in my ear. Warning heard, but heeded?
I don’t think I can walk away no matter what.
****
I count myself lucky I still have a job. Back at my desk, I file some paperwork and review who needs to be apprehended for the day. I flag some cases that I have time to handle and put in a quick call to Katie so I can answer some follow up questions.