Phoenix

by Alison Ashley

  I hope, one day, I can face the shadows, but until that happens, I am destined to return to a former life. Forgive me when I go, I know you will all be so hurt, but I have no choice.

  With love always.

  K Stewart

  My signature was so smudged that it was barely legible.

  “It was in your cardigan pocket, Ally,” Jack explained. “The one you gave me to keep me warm?”

  Ally nodded absently, her eyes fixed on my words. Words she had read before.

  “They found it when they rescued me,” Jack said. “Freddie’s had it in his room all these years hidden behind this photo.” He lifted a tarnished silver frame from the sideboard and showed her a wedding photo of Edward and Rose, Kathy’s parents. Goosebumps danced over me as I realised it was identical to the memento in my vision when we’d first arrived. “Dougie’s conscience got the better of him when he saw Kathy’s ‘ghost’ – you, Ally,” he chuckled. “Couldn’t save Kathy though.”

  Ally’s gulp was audible and the paper fluttered to the floor. I slowly bent to retrieve it.

  “Not that Dougie fessed up to stealing the jewels with me or throwing us in the pit,” I grumbled.

  “You stole the jewels?” Ally gasped.

  “I’m so ashamed.” My shoulders drooped under the weight of guilt.

  “Well, it wasn’t exactly you, Katie,” Jack said.

  “Maybe not, but I was given the chance to make it right.” I gazed at the words on my ancient letter sadly. “I think I was hiding in Kathy’s shadow, too afraid to let the real me out in case I reverted to who I once was.”

  “Would explain why you pinched the chocolate from the corner shop,” Ally said.

  “What!” I was confused. “I never stole any chocolate!”

  “No?” She raised her eyebrows. “I know for a fact you didn’t bring any off the plane.”

  Waves of heat washed over me and I felt sick to the stomach. “Do you think Dougie saw?” I asked. “I’d better go and leave some money at the door or something.”

  “Don’t know that he saw,” Ally answered. “I certainly didn’t, but I think he knew who, or what, you were the minute he saw you and that’s probably why he thought we were descendants of crooks.”

  My mouth dropped open. Ally had read Dougie’s thoughts as well!

  “And, uh hum,” she said, folding her arms. “Seems he was right, eh, at least about you.”

  “Could I feel any worse?” I flopped against the sideboard, mortified. “Here I was, given the chance to go back and not steal, but not only did I still take the jewels, but I pinched from the here and now as well!”

  “Yeah, well, face it,” Ally said. “You were so scared to be yourself that the ghost of Kathy Stewart possessed you instead.”

  “No, I…” I stared at her, dumbfounded. “Surely not? You think?”

  “You should see your face!” Ally said. “As if that could ever happen.”

  I shook my head, my mind churning. I couldn’t keep up with her changing opinions. I knew she was psychic. She knew she was psychic. And what she said, I guessed was feasible, but why suggest something and then deny its possibility?

  “Well, whatever happened,” I said. “I stuffed up big time.”

  “Maybe, but at least you had the courage to face up to the truth,” Jack said, standing the photo back down. “And you were ready to make amends.”

  “Still am.” I handed the letter to Freddie who promptly dropped it on the table, and rattled the jewels in my hand. “Thanks to Ally.” I smiled at her. “I guess that’s why we’re twins, to help each other when we stuff up.”

  She flinched when I pushed the sapphires into her palm.

  “Hold them,” I said. “The portal has closed now. You can’t cross the time dimension.”

  Ally’s eyes flitted from the jewels to the letter, my face, Freddie, Jack.

  “All we have to do now is put these back where they belong,” I said.

  “But your body,” Ally said, confused. “Katie, you died back there!”

  “No, I didn’t die,” I said. “Kathy did. Jack tells me you went down for me?”

  Ally nodded absently.

  “I’d already left that body,” I explained. “It belonged to 1944.”

  Ally dropped, bemused, onto the sofa. Freddie hauled himself onto his walking frame and handed me the yellow package.

  “Welcome home, love,” he said, smiling.

  The paper broke as I unwrapped it. Inside were white crumbs.

  “Happy birthday,” Freddie added. “Sorry it’s late but I got you your favourite. Chocolate.”

  I threw my arms around him, my face wet.

  “Thank you,” I said. “I’ll keep it forever.”

  Freddie pulled back, a startled look on his face. “But it won’t keep forever!”

  “Then I’ll have it later,” I assured him. “When I don’t have to share it.”

  He laughed, satisfied and lowered himself back into his chair. “That’s my Kathy.”

  “So, where is this Black Market you got it…” Ally started.

  “Shhh!” Freddie’s face paled a little and his eyes widened. “I said keep it quiet!”

  “More to the point, Freddie,” I stared at the headlines on the newspaper, shivering at the coincidence that it was the same story that had been wrapped around the teapot, “where’d you get the money?”

  “Kathy!” Freddie said. “What are you implying?” But he gave me a mischievous grin and I knew the truth.

  “You pinched it from under my bed, didn’t you?” I pretended to slap the back of his hand.

  “That old lady was right,” Ally muttered. “You’re all bloody thieves.”

  Freddie laughed. “Those days are long gone but I often wondered where Kathy got the money.”

  “Trust me, Freddie,” I said. “You don’t want to know.”

  “Katie?” Ally said. “When you said you came back with Jack just now, you didn’t, did you?”

  I shook my head.

  “No, Ally, I came back nearly sixteen years ago as your twin.”

  “I, huh?” Ally sank further into the seat. “Is anything normal any more? I mean… What the hell is normal?”

  “Everything is exactly as it should be,” I assured her. “Me, you, living here, not sure I’m too enthralled with that creepy school though, but if it’s pre-written that I have to…”

  “Pre-written?” Ally frowned.

  “A psychic once explained it to me.” I bit my lip. I hadn’t meant to let that slip.

  “Since when did you see a psychic?” Ally exclaimed rather too loudly.

  “Shhh!” I hissed, glancing at the door. “If I tell you, you have to promise never to tell Dad.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You think I have a death wish?”

  “When this was channelled through me,” I held the letter up, “I was so confused and scared about what it meant that I needed answers. But who the hell could I ask, I mean, it’s not something you can just post on the internet or whatever, eh?”

  Ally shrugged.

  “Anyhow, this psychic said how we’re all just energy and that even when our bodies die, our energy cannot. And because energy can’t die, it comes back so we can live more lives.”

  I paused to make sure she comprehended.

  “And?” she said impatiently.

  “And here’s something that took me a while to fathom…” I shook my head. “Time is a dimension that doesn’t move. It’s us that move through it.”

  “As if!” Ally stood up, signifying she couldn’t grasp it.

  “Okay,” I said, sighing. “I’ll explain it exactly the way it was explained to me when I told the psychic lady about how I had constant déjà vu.”

  “There’s nothing special about déjà vu,” she said, agitated. “Everyone gets it.”

  “Constantly?” I raised my eyebrows. “And that doesn’t answer why we experience it.”

  “Really, Katie. No one cares.” Bu
t she made no further effort to leave.

  “Well, I’m curious,” Jack said, crossing his arms.

  I glanced at him and smiled.

  “Imagine any book…” I said.

  Ally snorted. “What the hell have books got to do with anything?”

  “If you let me finish! If destiny has our lives already mapped out, in theory,” I ignored her scornful look, “you’d be able to pick up the book of your life, skip to any page and find it’s already written. Normal, intermittent déjà vu is just the universe’s way of letting us know we’re on the right track or that we’re recalling things from a previous lifetime. My déjà vu though, the psychic theorised, was because I was living on two pages at once.”

  Ally rolled her eyes.

  “She could have a point,” Jack said.

  “She definitely has a point,” I agreed. “Because when we arrived in England and the opportunity to fix my past presented, the déjà vu stopped.”

  “Maybe those pages of yours had stopped turning?” Jack mused. “Thereby giving you the opportunity to catch up with you own life.”

  “Total rubbish!” Ally scoffed, heading towards the door. “Still doesn’t explain how you could go back to another life.”

  “Doesn’t it?” I raised my eyebrows. “You saw for yourself how I was once Kathy, that my soul had a pre-existence. So couldn’t our soul’s entire life also be documented? And if that’s the case it’s logical that we can skip to any part of the book, beginning, middle or even the end.”

  “If that’s true, why don’t we know what’s going to happen tomorrow, what subject to take at school…”

  “Ah ha,” I said triumphantly. “Some people do. That’s how psychics read the future or can tell us about our past. They can read the residual energy on us.”

  Ally’s shoulders drooped slightly then straightened again as she faced me. “You,” she said dismissively, “are completely nuts if you believe any of what you just said! I’m going on the internet where normal people hang out!”

  I knew she was out of credit but maybe something as everyday as the internet was what she needed right now. Despite her animated mood, her face was still a weird shade of white.

  “You can use mine,” I offered. “I’m still connected.”

  Ally thrust the jewels into Jack’s hand and hurried to the kitchen.

  “Shall we sort these out?” Jack asked, holding them up.

  “Sooner the better,” I agreed.

  “Want to come, Freddie?”

  Freddie startled a little and I felt guilty that I’d woken him as he was dozing. He yawned, shook his head and settled back in the chair again.

  “Katie!” Ally yelled as we passed the kitchen. “Your boyfriend’s online, wanna chat?”

  She had no right to check my stuff and what on earth had Zac said that made Ally call him my boyfriend! I marched to the table, trying to conceal the warm feeling the thought of him as my boyfriend had brought, and Ally reluctantly hauled herself from the seat. I squeezed in beside her, twisting my computer to stop her reading.

  “He never wrote anything,” she said. “But even if he had and I read it, it’s your fault for leaving it connected. But then, you should have known what I was going to do by reading the pre-written book of life.”

  I glowered at her sarcasm and focused on my screen but Zac was no longer online, which was disappointing as I wanted to hear about his trip. But the counter beside my inbox registered one new message.

  Oh, Katie, I wish there was an easier way to let you know…

  My heart grasped hold of my chest and squeezed tightly.

  There was an accident. Zac. He didn’t make it. Fell, rock climbing.

  Now my heart couldn’t decide whether to stop or strangle my throat. No air seemed to move in or out of my body. Jack’s hand fell on my shoulder but I wasn’t sure if he was trying to comfort me or actually keep his balance. He was so shaky and all his weight seemed suddenly on me.

  Take heart though, Katie, he died doing what he loved.

  Keep in touch, Sandy.

  Jack collapsed into the chair beside me.

  “It’s my fault,” he whispered. “He died because I came back.”

  “Huh?”

  “Don’t you see?” his voice was a strained whisper. “When I died in 1944 my soul found a new body to live in.”

  A strangled squeak escaped Ally’s lips and her hand clasped her mouth. Her wide eyes stared at me, terrified.

  “What the hell have I done! I saved Jack and…” Her words broke as she shuddered. “His soul, Zac…”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. My best friend died because his soul was taken back by its original body? And it was my sister’s fault? But she did what anyone would have done and saved Jack.

  Sandy’s message misted over then began swirling on the screen as my mind searched for a way to make it untrue. My body felt heavy with guilt. My actions as Kathy had once resulted in my cousin’s death, and now my actions as Katie had done the same to the best friend I ever had. I realised now he was so much more than a friend and my broken heart completely shattered when I finally admitted the truth to myself. I loved him. And it was too late to let him know.

  “I’m the one that stuffed up.” My voice was barely audible when I finally managed to speak. “I’m the one that asked for another chance. So it’s my fault. Everything’s my fault…” I trailed off, too choked with grief.

  But the pain in their eyes told me they didn’t believe that.

  “I’ll go back,” Jack mumbled.

  “Me too,” Ally said. “We’ll fix it.”

  “How?” I said flatly. “The portal has closed.”

  – chapter fifteen –

  Zac, my best friend, my source of comfort, my clown, the one who never made fun of my dream, the kind of dream most people took for granted: the dream to live to be an adult. He never thought it was an odd thing to wish for. Maybe he somehow knew he would go too soon. Maybe that was why he lived life to the max. Zac, who’d shared the first crazy part of my life, had gone. Chapter closed. No words could make it better. How could there be a next chapter when there was no Zac?

  – chapter sixteen –

  “Gee, you’re a lively bunch,” Mum remarked, bustling into the kitchen with an overflowing laundry basket. “Thought you’d all be celebrating everyone’s safe return. Instead it looks like someone died!”

  My laptop nudged over the edge of the table as the washing thumped down and I slowly turned it so she could read the message. Her hand flicked to her mouth but she couldn’t hide the gasp.

  “Oh, Katie,” she said, gulping. “I’m so sorry. Poor Sandy.”

  I turned the screen back to face me but the message was unchanged.

  “I-I’ll give her a call, find out when the funeral… flowers.”

  That word. Meant he was going to be buried.

  Zac was dead.

  My scream finally escaped and I ran. Out the front door, down the stairs and onto the lawn. I dropped to my knees, shoulders heaving, and pressed my face to the grass.

  My insides had been ripped out. I was hollow yet the pain was unbearable, a physical ache. When I’d said goodbye to Zac at the airport just a few short days ago, I’d never, in a million years, dreamed it would be forever. I guess I thought my life would remain on its crazy rebirth rollercoaster and we’d be friends all over again. For so long I’d wished my phoenix life would end, yet now…

  Arms cradled both my shoulders and slowly helped me to sit. Ally and Jack were kneeling either side of me, their faces misty blurs, but even through my tears I could see and feel their burden of the guilt. And it made me feel worse. Survival. A natural instinct. Only Kathy didn’t have a choice. My nose, blocked from crying, felt like it did when Dougie punched me. The black haze, dizziness, the pressure in my head as the bleeding in my skull had expanded, but no matter how imaginary the pain was, at least now I felt something other than the numbness inside.

  My lips par
ted and I allowed my eyes to flicker open. Jack stared down at me. His silver grey eyes were filled with such compassion and understanding, so much hope and energy and life. So much like Zac’s. From the moment I’d first seen Jack, I’d been struck by the similarity, not in looks, but in something much deeper than that.

  I raised myself to my elbows, and as our eyes locked comprehension flooded through me.

  Zac, my best friend, might not be in his young body, but he was not dead. He was right here!

  Jack threw his arms around my shoulders and we rocked back and forth, sobbing for a lost body but also crying for renewed hope and life.

  We finally pulled apart. Ally squinted at us as she tried to work out what must have been racing through my mind. Her eyes suddenly widened and she swivelled to face Jack and stared right into his eyes.

  “No frigging way! That’s like, wow!”

  Had she read my mind! Or just figured it out?

  “So who are you? Zac or Jack?” she asked him.

  Jack shrugged his shoulders and dug in his pocket for a handkerchief.

  “For everyone’s sake, especially Freddie’s,” I said, half laughing, half crying as my mind tried to process the incomprehensible. “I think we should stick with Jack.”