by Zina Abbott
“I don’t think you should. If Gerald cannot see his way to come home and enjoy his leave with all his family, including his wife, then, as far as I am concerned, he has forfeited his right to have Garrett. I know that may not be rational or legal, but that’s the way I feel.”
“I do, too, Mom,” Jennie said quietly. “But, Gerald is Garrett’s father. We are not divorced or even legally separated. I have no legal right to prevent Garrett from going with his father.”
“Sometimes there is the right way and then there is the real way,” Christy retorted. “Gerald has been at war, living in a very hostile environment. It seems it is affecting his perceptions on what is important. You maybe need to consider what is best for Garrett at the moment and worry about the legalities later. You and Garrett need to stay home and let Gerald spend his leave with his parents.”
Jennie considered her mother’s words.
“I hear you, Mom. Maybe I have lost touch with reality, but I guess I’m really hoping that when Gerald sees Garrett and me as he gets off the plane, he will have a change of heart and want to come home with us. Even if we go to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving Day, that would be all right with me as long as we’re together. If there is any chance of things getting better between me and my husband, I don’t want to say or do anything that will back him into a corner so that he ends things for forever.”
“That’s a pipe dream, Jennie.”
“Maybe. Then again, there’s not just Gerald to consider. I’m sure Gerald’s mother will be there when Gerald comes home. I trust her, Mom. I know Alice would never let anything happen to Garrett.”
“Gerald may not keep Garrett with her one hundred percent of the time. She works, right? What about when she’s at work?”
“Alice has scheduled time off her job or I would not even consider leaving Garrett with them. Gerald may not like it, but I will just tell him he has not been around Garrett very much since he was born, or around any small children for that matter. Since he doesn’t know how to take care of little ones, Alice has to be there to care for Garrett if he wants his son to stay down there.”
“And you honestly think he will listen to you?”
“I will have to play it by ear, Mom.”
“I still don’t think it’s a smart idea.”
Jennie closed her eyes. As long as Gerald felt the way he did, no matter what she decided to do, this was a no-win situation. The only way she could win is if Gerald was the one who had a change of heart. If only he would decide to hold his family together and spend his leave with her.
“Even if Gerald is acting like a jerk, Alice still should be able to see her grandson. What if the situation was reversed, Mom? Would you want to be denied being able to see your grandchild just because of the bad decisions of your own son or daughter?”
Christy spun around to face the kitchen sink, turning her back on Jennie. She flipped the faucet lever on and rinsed out the dishcloth. When finished, she slammed the faucet lever down harder than was necessary to turn off the water.
“I still think you are playing Russian roulette with little Garrett,” Christy said, squeezing out the dishcloth.
“I know what you’re saying, Mom. And I might decide to let Gerald see him just long enough to say hi and then turn around and bring Garrett right back home.”
Christy turned back to face her daughter.
“He will never let you do that, Jennie,” her tone emphatic. “The man has been halfway across the world fighting people for years. Do you honestly think that you can just go down there and tell him that after he says hi to Garrett for a few minutes, you are going to take Garrett back home? Do you actually think he will let you walk away with your boy without a fight? You would be putting both you and Garrett in danger. You’re better off not taking Garrett down there at all. Even if you go down yourself, leave Garrett at home.”
“Garrett loves his daddy. He already knows Gerald is coming home to see him. He talked to his daddy on Skype about him and Grammy Alice meeting him at the airport soon. How can I do that to Garrett?” Jennie asked, responding with her heart.
Mom’s right, Jennie thought. I need to go down to talk to Gerald face to face. But, no matter the consequences to me, the best way to protect Garrett is to leave him home.
“I understand what you are saying, Mom,” Jennie said slowly. “I agree with a lot of it. Honestly, I will think long and hard before I make my final decision.”
“Please do, Jennie. This is too important to ignore.”
“I need to go. I’m already late for the study group.”
“Wait! Wait a minute,” Christy ordered as she once again picked up the Sweet Adelines application. “We never settled this issue.”
Jennie took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she exhaled.
“Everything I said about you was all good, Mom, honest. And, Helen and Desiree´, once they found out about your singing, they said they really need your voice. Not just your voice, Mom. After seeing what a great daughter you raised…” Jennie paused and gave her mother a cheesy smile that included raised eyebrows and a mouth full of teeth. “…the other GOFT ladies said they would like to get to know you, too. I know Helen can be a little…” Jennie searched for the word.
“Assertive?”
“Yes. I was thinking “pushy,” but trying to find a nicer way of saying it, like you did. Anyway, she said that maybe all you needed was an invitation. She said she would ask you and you could decide yes or no for yourself.”
“Jennie, I have not been living under a rock all these years, you know. I have heard about Sweet Adelines. Did you ever consider that if I wanted to start singing again, I could have looked them up myself? In case you haven’t noticed, my job and taking care of this family easily fills up my time.”
“Yes, I’ve noticed. And I really appreciate all the help you give me and Garrett.”
Jennie felt a flash of inspiration.
“Then again, a very wise woman said to me not too long ago that I also was a very busy woman. She said that with all the responsibilities I have in life, it would do me good to get out occasionally and do something just for myself, something that I consider fun. Maybe that wise woman should take her own advice.”
Jennie stepped forward and gave her mother a peck on the cheek. Then she hitched her book bag into a more comfortable position and smiled over her shoulder at her mother as she walked out the back door.
Christy stood frozen in place in the middle of her kitchen staring at the closed door. She still held the Sweet Adelines application in her hand.
Chapter 14 – Christy
As time passed, I realized I felt and acted differently toward Mom. It had been weeks. There was this invisible wall between us that had never been there before.
For one thing, Mom had changed since the time of the big revelation. She tried to act normal and comfortable around me, but she seemed to be jumpy all the time. Each time I entered the room, I felt Mom study me for a moment to gauge my attitude. Even when I was in the throes of my teenage mood swings, I remembered Mom mostly took my outbursts and moping around in stride.
This was different. Now, I made her nervous. I no longer felt comfortable discussing wedding plans with Mom. As for Dad, I tried to avoid him altogether. Mom had warned me that he was the one who had laid down the law about not talking about the real me and all the details that went with it. I didn’t know if this was true or not, but I felt an invisible wall between me and my father, too. It loomed higher each day.
I felt like I was falling apart. My family was disintegrating around me. I was afraid it was going to ruin the rest of my life. Even though I would have Rob, I wanted a whole family, including my birth family. I wanted my real parents and a real sense of belonging, too. I hated feeling like a pawn in a game I did not understand because the rules and the other players were kept hidden from me.
There was only one person I could talk to about it: Rob.
That Saturday night, while he d
rove us to see a movie, I unloaded my thoughts and feelings on Rob. He frequently glanced my way while he drove. I was not sure if the concerned look on his face was because of the details of my story or because I started crying so hard that I developed hiccups and scattered the contents of my purse all over the seat and floor of his car while I searched for a Kleenex. Once we arrived at the theater, he parked the car and then pulled me to him, enfolding me in his arms and resting his chin on top of my head while I finished my story.
We sat in silence for several moments. I began to fear that he thought I was nuts or behaving like a child. I struggled to get my tears under control while I waited for him to say something.
“You know that this changes nothing about my feelings for you and your family,” he assured me. “You have great parents, even if right now things seem a little different to you because of what you’ve learned.”
“I know, but I don’t understand why they kept it from me,” I responded, fighting the urge to start crying again. “I mean, I know several kids at school whose parents have been through divorce. Or, some have known all along that they were adopted. They lived with it and have a regular family life. But, for some reason, in my family, they are keeping everything a big secret from me. I keep wondering how much else they’re not telling me.”
“They probably want to protect you,” Rob offered thoughtfully. “Plus, they may have wanted to protect themselves. It almost sounds like your mom was afraid you would reject her if you knew too much. As for your father, men sometimes tend to shut things out that they don’t want to deal with.”
What he said made sense in my brain, but my heart was still struggling to accept. I was grateful he responded in so level-headed a manner, because I knew I needed it right then. At the same time I resented that his world was not blown apart like mine was. But, I reminded myself that Rob was on my side. At that point in time, perhaps he was the only one on my side. I tamped down my negative feelings and focused on what he said.
“I think that’s what Mom was trying to warn me of about Dad,” I agreed. “That is why I haven’t even tried to ask him about anything. But I still have so many questions. It’s like I have been given a few pieces of the puzzle, but they don’t fit together enough for me to see even a part of the picture. I won’t be at peace until I know what happened.”
“That does happen with some kids who know they’re adopted,” said Rob. “But try not to obsess on it. I had one friend who was adopted, and when he grew older, he became so focused on finding his so-called ‘real’ parents and learning why he was given up for adoption, that all the years of love and care given to him by his adoptive parents seemed to go right out the window. He couldn’t see how his obsession hurt his parents who felt rejected after taking him as their own to love and raise all those years. But I could. I hope that doesn’t happen with you, Christy.”
Once again I fought resentment. What made him such an expert on the subject?
“I don’t think I will go that far, but I do need some more answers.”
Rob released me and straightened in his seat to look out the windshield, lost in thought.
“You said your Aunt Pat has more pictures of you when you were little,” he finally said. “Do you think she might be willing to tell you more?”
I shrugged my shoulders. That thought had never occurred to me.
“She lives close enough that we could drive up there sometime to visit,” Rob continued. “Maybe tomorrow, after you finish the lunch shift at the restaurant?”
I felt a calm settle on me. It was a course of action that might get me what I need. I was anxious to get out of the car and find a payphone. I rooted around in the contents of my purse which was still scattered all over Rob’s car until I found my address book.
“Hold this, please,” I said as I handed it to Rob. I then collected all my things and refilled my purse.
I found a pay phone close to the theater. It was the one time I was truly grateful my father always insisted that I carry emergency contact information and money for a phone call. While Rob bought our movie tickets, I called Aunt Pat in Auburn.
“She said she would be happy to have us come up tomorrow afternoon,” I smiled as Rob rejoined me. Filled with a sudden surge of euphoria, I grabbed Rob’s arm and shook it so hard he probably worried I would pull it out of its socket.
“Hey, take it easy,” he laughed as he grabbed me and embraced me tightly, probably more in self-defense than anything.
I forget what the movie was that we watched that night. I only remember it took me awhile to settle down and pay attention to the plot. We were halfway through it before I figured out who all the characters were. I was too busy thinking about how the next day I would be getting closer to solving the puzzle and figuring out exactly who I am.
Chapter 15 – Jennie
Jennie stood in the terminal, her stomach quivering. She felt a headache start behind her forehead. She wished she could be back home in Golden Oaks. Short of that, she wished a big hole would open up beneath her and swallow her. She wanted to be anywhere instead of in the middle of an excited throng of people waiting for the arrival of their family and friends. She wondered if, on that flight that day, there were any other military personnel other than Gerald returning from Afghanistan.
It should be a joyous occasion for her, too. Gerald was her loved one, but he had made it clear as of their most recent Skype conversation that he still no longer loved her. As she struggled with the pain and disappointment of rejection, it was difficult for her to feel enthusiasm for seeing him again in the next few moments.
“Daddy! Where’s Daddy?” screeched Garrett. He started bouncing and wriggling in Jennie’s arms so violently that she was afraid he would slip from her grasp. She didn’t dare let him stand on the floor for fear of him breaking loose from her and running forward on the tarmac. With the undulating press of people bearing upon them from all sides, she could not risk losing him in the crowd.
“Want to come to Grammy, Garrett?”
Alice held out both hands in an invitation for Garrett to climb into her arms for awhile.
Garrett shook his head in exaggerated motions and turned to point in the direction of the airplane still taxiing into place outside the waiting room.
“I want Daddy.”
Jennie still hoped for a miracle. She still willed Gerald to have a change of heart, to step off that plane and be so happy to see his wife and son waiting for him that he would realize he wanted nothing more than to have his family surrounding him, sharing their love with him. She hoped for a miracle. She knew there was a stronger chance that she would end up being disappointed.
Bringing Garrett down to be with his father had been one of the most difficult decisions Jennie had ever made. Her discussion with her mother the week before had weighed upon her heavily. But, she had also been torn because of her concern for her mother-in-law. Alice had called her five days earlier, worried about organizing her home in San Luis Obispo and her work schedule so she would be prepared for Gerald’s return and Garrett’s visit.
Jennie had told Alice of her demands that must be met before she would allow Garrett to stay at his grandparents’ place with his father. Alice agreed to meet every one of them. She arranged to take her vacation from work the rest of Thanksgiving week and several days the following week so she could be home to care for Garrett. She agreed to not allow Gerald to smoke around Garrett. She agreed to not let Gerald drink around Garrett or let Gerald take Garrett anywhere if he did drink. She agreed to drive Garrett as far as the Flying J truck stop north of Bakersfield where she would hand him off to Jennie at the end of the week.
Alice also assured Jennie that if things changed between her and Gerald and if she was able to get away from work, she was welcome to come and stay. Jennie knew that Alice loved her son, but that the choices he was making were breaking her heart. She knew she had an ally in Alice.
So, she had decided to bring Garrett. Now, her own mother would h
ardly talk to her. Her father had not said much, but she could read the concern in his eyes.
It had been all that Jennie could do to fight off the depression building up inside her as she made arrangements for friends to take notes for her in her Tuesday and Wednesday classes. She tried to not feel like a hypocrite as she responded with faked enthusiasm as her friends congratulated her on her opportunity to be reunited with her warrior husband, a hero returning from war-torn Afghanistan. She struggled to keep from crying as she packed Garrett’s things for the trip.
She almost told Quinn the truth about what was going on as he exuded his exaggerated expression of well-wishes about her opportunity to see her husband again. Then she thought better of it. She was not ready to tell anyone, not even Quinn, how things really stood between her and Gerald. No one needed to know that, unless there was a miracle, this supposedly joyous homecoming would end up being a farce. She merely thanked Quinn for covering for her by turning in a paper she completed the previous night and by taking notes in history class.
Besides Gerald, here were two other fatigue-clad soldiers, one a woman, who exited the plane. Any minute, they would walk through the door. Shortly, she would experience the moment of truth. Jennie felt sure she was going to vomit.
“Are you feeling okay?” asked Alice.
Jennie nodded, her face betraying the lie.
“Daddy!” cried Garrett, pointing.
“I see him!” said Alice, her voice unable to hide the excitement she felt. “Let’s go and meet him.”
Jennie felt her mother-in-law grab her elbow and steer her forward. The threesome moved with the crowd toward Gerald. Jennie felt like she was in a daze. She could not look at his face, because she was afraid of what she would see.
“There’s my little soldier.”
Gerald’s voice was unmistakable. Jennie knew he was standing in front of her, bag slung over his shoulder, his uniform filling her vision. She released Garrett and her husband pulled their child out of her arms and embraced him. Only then did she lift her eyes and smile while she watched as her son wrapped his arms around his father’s neck and squeezed him tightly. Gerald finally pulled his son’s arms from his neck and held him far enough away so he could take a good look at Garrett’s face.