by BJ Harvey
There’s a dull ache in my chest that seems to grow stronger as the elevator goes past the floors leading to Daniel’s apartment. Why is this affecting me so much? It was supposed to be casual, no strings, no feelings, no worries. All of a sudden, this idea doesn’t seem so shit hot.
I reach his floor and pause in the elevator, wondering why I’m even here. I could just make him hate me. All I’d have to do is have a long forgotten on-call room hook up with the walking dildo to do that.
NO!
Daniel deserves better. He deserves honesty not a pseudo-relationship with a commitment-phobe woman who will only hurt him in the long run.
Walking up to his door, I push his doorbell, my heart beat speeding up as I hear his footsteps get louder before the door opens, and he greets me with a gorgeous smile.
“Hey,” he says, stepping forward to give me a kiss. I freeze as he gets close to me, but melt the moment his lips touch mine. He wraps his arm around my waist just as my knees buckle. Pulling me backwards into his apartment, he closes the door with his leg before leaning me against the wall as he continues to ravage my mouth.
By God, it’s hot as hell!
I bring my hands between us and pull his shirt up. He moves off me long enough to tear the shirt over his head before he’s back on me, attacking my mouth with renewed hunger. I grab his hair, gripping tight as I hold him close to me. We’re both breathing heavy as he moves his mouth to my neck, peppering kisses along my jaw and sucking my favorite spot underneath my ear.
Slamming my head against the wall, I close my eyes and give in to the sensation and the inferno he’s creating between my legs. Fuck it! Our talk can wait. He’s too damn good at this to let this go to waste. I push him backwards, matching him step for step as I steer him towards his L-shaped couch, going for his belt and pulling it loose as his legs hit the back of the sofa and he falls down, pulling me on top of him.
“Hi,” he muses, looking up at me.
“That was quite a welcome.” I smile down at him, my eyes moving to his luscious lips, wet and inviting. I can’t resist their call to me. I lean down and rake my teeth against his bottom lip, earning a growl that rumbles deep inside his chest.
“You’re going to pay for that,” he says with a dirty grin, and dammit if my heart doesn’t twinge a little.
“I damn well hope so,” I say, trying to hide the sudden breathless feeling that is rushing through me. Without warning, I’m lifted up and flipped over, Daniel is now lying on top of me, his chest to my back, his hard cock now wedged between my ass cheeks. A swath of new positions flash before me, pushing out the strange emotional thoughts being thrown around my head. I let out a soft moan as he thrusts himself hard against me.
“Now this is interesting,” he rasps in my ear, nipping it with his teeth before tracing it with his tongue. “The things we could do.”
“How about you stop talking the talk and start walking the walk?” I pant.
Another hard thrust. Damn, that feels good, if only we were naked and the thrust was inside of me.
“You’re wearing too many clothes,” he says. I buck my hips up against him, smiling at the resulting groan.
“Well, let’s rectify that.”
I roll over, ripping up my hoodie and top at the same time, and throwing them over the side of the couch. He leans back on his heels, undoing my jeans and pulling my panties down with them. I’m left naked before him.
I look up at him, quirking a brow. “Now who’s wearing too much?”
“Have at it,” he says with a devilish grin, beckoning me with his fingers.
I look at the impressive bulge in his shorts and damn, I want to trace that cock with my tongue. I gaze up at him, and his hooded eyes speak wonders.
“It drives me insane when you get that look in your eyes, Mac,” he says, grabbing my neck and roughly pulling me in for a hard, spine-tingling tousle of tongues.
While he’s exploring my mouth, I move my hands to his shorts, undoing them and sliding my hand inside his boxers to his waiting monster. It’s hard and hot as I stroke my hand up and down its length. I feel it pulsate in my palm, and the sheer knowledge that it’s me doing this to him is too much. I push him on to his back, pulling down his shorts until his big hard cock is exposed to me. Moving my head down, I trace a vein up his length, circling the tip before taking it in my mouth, flicking my tongue over the salty pre-cum that has leaked out. I suck the tip hard, scraping my teeth against the head as I wrap my lips around him and take him deep into my throat. His hand goes to the back of my head as he gently raises his hips, encouraging me to go deeper. This isn’t our first rodeo, and he knows that I like it rough.
I want him to fuck my mouth.
His hand tangles in my hair and grips tightly as I lift up and drive him back down into my mouth. I moan around him, causing his whole body to shudder.
“Fuck, Mac, that feels incredible,” he spits out as I pull him out of my mouth and jerk him off with my hand as I lick his balls, the musky scent sending my body into overdrive. “Fuck, I need to taste you.”
He lifts me up and spins me around until my lips are wrapped around his cock once more and his face is buried tongue deep inside my pussy, moving in and out so fast that I’m losing all hope of concentrating on the job at hand, deep throating him and driving him crazy.
“Oh God!” I cry out.
“Not God, Mac, just Superman,” he says as he zeros in on my hard swollen clit, trailing kisses around it, but purposefully avoiding it.
Knowing that I’m in desperate need of a home run, and soon, I flatten my tongue and give a long lick up the underside of his shaft, circling the head before diving down and taking him deep at the back of my throat. I feel my throat muscles relax around him and I swallow, clutching around him, feeling the thrill of making his whole body jolt underneath me.
Realizing that I’m trying to make him lose control, Daniel brings his hands up to cup my ass, holding my pussy hard against his face as he places his lips around my clit, flicking his tongue as fast as he can against the nub. He tortures me into submission as my orgasm slams into me, crashing over me in waves as I’m forced to let his cock fall out of my mouth and let my breathtaking climax devour me whole. I grab him in my hand and wrap my lips around the tip, using my hand to jerk him off. With three firm up and down strokes, he thrusts his hips as he spills inside my mouth, shooting into the back of my throat as I swallow down every last drop.
I pull away, my limp body unable to move off him as I lay my head against his tense thigh.
“Damn, babe, that was insanely good.”
“Mmm hmm,” I reply, earning a chuckle from the man lying beneath me.
Then I realize that he’s just sexed me out of my plans. The plan to come over and end this was all but thrown out the window with a mind blowing sixty-niner in his living room, in front of the floor to ceiling windows.
Holy crap. I’m screwed.
A little while later, after we’ve showered and eaten dinner, my resolve returns. I have to do it now. A clean break. Like ripping off the band aid, quick and painless. That’s the plan anyway.
Daniel’s on the phone to his parents. They’ve called him for his weekly Sunday catch up.
“Hey, Mom. How are you? ... Yeah, I’m good. Mac and I are just hanging out on the couch waiting for our movie to start. ... She’s the woman I’m seeing…” He looks over at me, a faint smile grows on his lips. “A few months now. ... That sounds cool. I’d love for you to meet her. I’ll ask her and let you know.”
I feel my whole body tense up. I can’t do ‘meet the parents’. That’s not part of not not dating. In fact, that’s a giant leap into ‘dating’ territory.
“Okay, well I’ll call you tomorrow when I get to the office. Love you. Bye.”
“Sorry about that,” he says, putting his phone down and sitting back down on the couch.
I turn my body towards him, taking a big breath as I try to brace myself for what’s about to unfold.
“Daniel, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be what you want me to be,” I start off.
“Mac? What are you talking about?” A frown mars his beautiful face.
“I can’t meet your parents, I can’t go to ‘coming out’ parties, I can’t be your girlfriend. I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Mac, I don’t think you have a fucking clue what you want. God!” he says. Exasperated, he gets up off the couch and walks towards the huge glass window that lines his living room, planting both hands on the glass and looking out towards the lake.
“Is it the other guys? Because seriously, Mac, I’m in so deep, I’ll take you however I can have you. I’ll wait, however long it takes. If these last few months with you have shown me anything, it’s that you’re meant to be mine. I know that already, fuck, I’ve known it for a while now. I’ve just been waiting for you to catch up.”
Wow.
I take a moment to let it sink in what he’s just declared. Meant to be his? This is exactly why I just have to power through this.
“I can’t, Daniel. I made a vow to myself a long time ago, and I intend to keep that, but I can’t stand by and hold you back and let you wait for something that is never gonna happen. You deserve to be happy. To have the wife, kids, the whole nine yards. I’m letting you go so you can find that.”
I can feel my chest tightening as I try to hold back the tears.
“What vow? Why can’t you let me in and admit that there is something good going on here?” he says loudly, not hiding his frustration.
I stand up, walking to the island in the kitchen and grab my purse. I take a moment to try and compose myself. It won’t help if he sees me upset. I turn to face him.
“I can’t tell you, but please know that I’m sorry. I hope that we can still be friends, but I understand if we can’t.” My voice shakes slightly, and I know he didn’t miss hearing it.
“Mac, you can talk to me,” he pleads hoarsely. “Just... don’t go. Not like this. Tell me what I can do, let me in…”
He spins around and walks towards me. I step backwards until my back hits the front door and his hands are placed either side of my head. He dips his head and nips my bottom lips, silently asking for entry. I try to resist, but everything that is him surrounds me and I part my lips. Our lips mesh together, his tongue claiming mine, invading my mouth with rapture as he stokes the fire deep within me. I regain enough coherence to move my hands between us, gently pressing on his chest.
He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine, our lips barely parted as we stand there, breathing each other in.
“God, I want to hate you for doing this to us, but I can’t,” he whispers, kissing my forehead one last time before stepping back. “I could never hate you, Mac. That’s why this fucking hurts so much.”
I take one last look at him before willing myself to open the door and leave.
Walking towards the elevator, I flinch at the sound of something shattering against a wall, and I have to fight from turning back around and telling Daniel it was a mistake. I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. It’s the exact thing I’ve been trying to protect myself against.
As the elevator doors close, a lone tear falls down my cheek. I haven’t cried in four years, but Daniel snuck into my heart when I wasn’t looking. As much as what I’ve just done hurts, he’ll thank me for it one day.
I text Kate, hoping like hell she is home. I need a distraction. Alcohol is what I need; something to drive Daniel out of my head so that this ache in my chest goes away.
That’s it. A night out with my girl. The perfect antidote to a not dating breakup. Hell, I can’t even describe what it was, but whatever it was is over. Time to move the fuck on. I need tequila shots and dancing, dusting myself off and getting back out there. That is what I need.
I need to forget Daniel Winters and the way he made me feel. It’s the only way I’ll be able to get through this.
When I get home after leaving Daniel’s apartment, there is no Kate and no dancing.
I plant myself on the couch with a bottle of Petron and a shot glass. Kate is at her parents for dinner. She sent me a text me earlier to tell me she was staying the night and would be home in the morning. This left me alone in the house, free to wallow in my confusion.
This isn’t supposed to be me. Not anymore. I’ve kept my emotions and feelings in check for so long, the overwhelming rush of guilt and loss I’m feeling is uncomfortable to say the least. It takes me back to Ohio four years ago when I left Beau and never looked back. Why doesn’t it feel as simple as it did back then?
With every shot I refill and slam back, the feelings hit me harder. Instead of numbing the pain, the alcohol intensifies it.
Four years ago, when my plane landed back in Chicago, and I ran into Kate’s welcoming arms in the terminal, I’d been a mess. I was mourning the loss of the baby I hadn’t wanted, the relationship I’d escaped but felt trapped in, and the man that I used to love who was now a shadow of his former self.
Now, sitting here, I feel worse than I did back then and it’s confusing the fuck out of me. Daniel was meant to be a bit of fun. Innocent flirting that led to a few dates, followed by some of the best sexual encounters of my life. But when I wasn’t looking, the bastard snuck past my long standing defenses and into my heart.
I pour another shot and down it as quick as it’s poured. My body is slowly melting into a nice numb haze. Finally!
Daniel fucking Winters. Even thinking his name stabs at my heart while also causing my stomach to flutter. How can one man have had such a sudden and profound effect on me? I never promised him hearts and flowers. I was straight up that I didn’t do relationships, definitely didn’t do commitment, but then I did something stupid and admitted that I felt whatever it was that was going on between us.
Because I did, I felt it. In all honestly, I felt it the moment our eyes locked when he handed me back my phone. Then again when he called me his beautiful stranger. And again every time he called me gorgeous and kissed my forehead. Every damn time.
But he deserves better. Maybe in another time, another place. Maybe when I’m not so determined to stick to my vow and stop protecting my heart, I could try. Too late now.
His reaction tonight ripped me apart. I’m so glad I managed to keep it together until I was alone in the elevator. If he’d seen me cry, he would have known I was hurting. He would have grabbed my hand and never let me go. He would have picked me up and carried me to his bed, laying me down and holding me close in his arms. His hands would have rubbed my back soothingly, murmuring words in my ear about how gorgeous I was, how I was meant to his, how he would protect me from the world and never let anyone hurt me, let alone him.
“I’m in so deep, I’ll take you however I can have you.”
This is the stuff dreams are made of, but I knew it would mean him sacrificing his happiness just to keep me. I would never want that for him.
“You’re meant to be mine.”
For someone so sure of herself and what she wants, and definitely doesn’t want, I’m a fucking idiot.
Another shot, another refill. My hand starts trembling with each new shot I pour. I don’t know what makes me stop. It might be when I curl up on the couch and finally let myself succumb to the pain, the loss, everything I’ve bottled up and held back for four years. An hour later, I stumble into my room, take my clothes off, and put on the first t-shirt I can find, which of course happens to be one of Daniel’s.
I black out surrounded by the smell of the man I’ve just gotten legless drunk over.
When I wake up Monday morning, I have the hangover from hell.
I drag myself out of bed and into the shower, hoping to wash away the stench of too much tequila and not enough sleep. No such luck. After calling in sick to my nursing supervisor, I crawl back into bed. A few hours later, I hear a knock at my door.
“Go away. I’m dead,” I mumble from underneath my pillow.
“You’r
e not dead. What’s going on, Mac? I walk in to find an empty bottle of tequila, a shot glass, and a trail of clothes leading to your door. I take it Daniel’s left already?” Kate asks, sitting down on the bed beside me.
“Daniel’s no longer a factor.”
“What?” she screeches. I groan because a screeching Kate sounds like a pack of flying bats are slamming against the empty cave inside my head.
I roll over, putting the pillow under my head and looking at my frowning best friend.
“Move over, I’m coming in,” she says as she lays down beside me and gets under the covers. “Now that I’m comfortable, you can continue,” she adds with a smirk.
“You knew it was coming, Kate. He was getting too attached. You saw him Saturday night at the bar. I loved that he went caveman on me, but that’s just it. He’s been pushing me bit by bit ever since I agreed not to see anyone else.”
Kate lies there for a minute, staring at me with soft, understanding eyes. The same eyes that were there four years ago when I hid myself away in my room for a week. “I knew this would happen. That boy was smitten the moment he met you. I kinda hoped you’d let him in, Mac.”
“I wanted to, I just couldn’t trust it.”
“Trust what?”
“The butterflies, the racing heartbeat, the way I always feel safe with him. Everything Daniel gives me feels so right, but I just can’t trust it. I know I’d either fuck it up, or he’d break my heart. So I ended it before either of us got hurt.”
“You know what he wants, Mac. You’re just not ready to give it to him, or amazingly, not even willing to consider it. Something has to give.”