by Britney King
Spencer pursed his lips and spoke slowly. “I’m gay, Jessica.”
The color had drained from her face. Myles was gauging at which point he might step in, though it wasn’t his style, when to her credit, she recovered. “Gay?” she repeated, confused. Myles watched her search her mental catalog for clues.
Her husband couldn’t meet her eye. “Yes. Gay.”
Jessica shook her head. She couldn’t wrap her head around it. Neither could Myles, if he were being honest. “I don’t understand. How long have you known this?”
He looked up at her then. “My whole life.”
“What the fuck, Spencer? What are you saying?” She’d resorted to yelling.
“Calm down, Jessica. Please,” Spencer pleaded.
“Calm down? You want me to calm down! You’re basically telling me that half of my life has been a total fucking lie…and you want me to calm down?”
“I don’t want you to be angry. I want you to understand. And I want you to meet him, actually…”
She deadpanned. “He’s here? With you?”
Spencer didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. His facial expression said it all.
“Oh, my God.” Her hand covered her mouth. “I can’t believe this is happening—”
Spencer stood. Myles didn’t like where this was going and he shifted, ready to get up quickly if he needed to. “There’s something else I need to tell you, Jessica—”
Myles watched Jessica brace herself. She knew. He watched her pull herself up to a standing position. Myles did the same. He was afraid her legs would give out.
Spencer ran his fingers through his hair quickly and then shoved them in the pockets of his expensive, designer, tailored, jeans. “The money is mostly gone.”
Jessica swallowed hard and followed up with a slap no doubt heard round the world.
Chapter Eleven
Myles firmly placed his hand on his boss’s shoulder. “Come on. You two can finish this later.”
Jessica crossed her arms and dug her not so literal heels in. “I’m not done.”
Spencer rubbed at the red blotchy skin on his face.
Myles looked from Jessica to her husband and back at her before speaking. “Jess, I said let’s go.”
“He’s right. I think you need to go, Jessica. We can talk about this later… when you’ve calmed down.” Spencer eyed Myles then. “Where are you staying?”
Myles shook his head just slightly and didn’t reply. Instead, he grasped Jess by the wrist and practically hauled her to the awaiting car.
“I’m not ready to go,” she whispered quietly as he opened the car door and shooed her in. Myles locked the door, closed it, and hustled around to the other side.
He climbed in and addressed the driver. “Take us to the nearest airport, please.”
Jess placed her head in her hands, hunched forward, and rested them on her knees. Myles placed his hand on her back and left it there as she sobbed. She would rock gently, pause to catch her breath, and then continue sobbing. It lasted for the entirety of the hour and a half long trip to the small airport. “Wait here for a half hour, and if we’re not back, you can go,” Myles said handing the driver a twenty once he’d pulled to the curb and stopped.
He nudged Jessica. “Come on. We have to get out now.”
She slouched down in the seat and shook her head. Myles pulled a tissue from his bag and handed it to her. “I can’t leave you here while I run in.” He looked in the direction of the driver from the corner of his eye and back at her. “I don’t trust it’s safe.”
She blew her nose. “I’m not getting on a plane.”
Myles exhaled loudly. “Listen, we were scheduled to stay at the camp overnight… There’s no way it’s safe to make the ten-hour trip back to Nairobi in the dark.” He paused and continued his voice firm. “Things don’t work that way here, Jessica.”
Her eyes widened. “But I’m terrified of flying. You don’t understand…”
Myles opened his bag partially and pointed to a vial of pills. He nodded. “We’re prepared for that.”
She cocked her head to the side and then reluctantly, took his hand. He sighed, opened the car door, and led her out.
“I’m sorry, Mister,” the attendant said with a heavy accent. “All flights out for today have already departed.”
Myles pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. He should’ve prepared for this. He eyed Jessica, who had found a seat and was curled into a ball. Goddamn it. He’d seen easier situations in the Navy.
He produced a hundred dollar bill from his pocket and showed it to the man. “There’s nothing you can do?”
The man frowned. “Wind advisory today, we can’t fly anymore. Not up to me. Up to God.” He pointed upward. “Sorry.”
Myles shoved the money back into his pocket and made his way over to Jessica. “You’re in luck.”
She stared blankly out the window at the tarmac.
“We’re staying here tonight.” He eyed the men gathered outside holding machine guns.
Her eyes followed his. “Here? You mean in this town? Or here, here.”
“I mean here. In the airport. It’s safer that way.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
He looked at her and offered a small smile. “No, I’m afraid not.”
To this, she simply shrugged. “Some luck,” she finally said. The fight, or what little she’d ever had, was now clearly gone.
Myles didn’t sleep at all that night. Instead, he watched his boss swallow a few pills, and then toss and turn while mostly staring into space—and also not sleep. He let her be. There was nothing either of them could do or say that would make the situation suck any less.
Finally, sometime in the middle of the night, she sat straight up and turned to him. “What would you do if you were me?”
Myles didn’t look her way. “I can’t say. Because I’m not.”
She scoffed. “Improvise.”
He sat up and turned her way. “I guess I’d move on. I mean, what else can you do?”
“I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve searched my brain this way and that way… and nothing.” She shrugged and wiped a stray tear. “I never saw this coming.”
Myles swallowed. “It happens.”
She frowned. “I don’t believe him… about the money.”
He studied her face. “You shouldn’t…”
She snapped back and then her expression relaxed. “What do you mean?”
“I just don’t think he’s telling you the whole truth about it… but look, this really isn’t my business.”
“Well, you’re here. So that sort of makes you an accomplice.”
Myles shook his head. “It makes me your employee.”
She inhaled sharply and then let it out slowly. “I see.”
He shouldn’t have said that, he thought as he recalled the way her face fell. It was an asshole thing to say, and he knew it the moment the words danced on the tip of his tongue. But what else could he do? She was getting too close. They couldn’t be friends because Myles didn’t have friends. More importantly, he didn’t want friends.
These thoughts troubled him for the rest of the night. The following morning, he understood his predicament a little better. According to his SEAL training, there were times in life where one had to do what needed to be done—what the situation required, not what one wanted. So, exactly forty-five minutes before their flight was to take off for Nairobi where they would stay over another night and then head back to the States, Myles handed her two Xanax, against his better judgment. This seemed to relax her, but as the plane ascended, Jessica tightly gripped his thigh just above his knee. Every instinct in his body wanted to remove her hand and yet Myles couldn’t make himself do it. He eyed her white knuckles and willed himself not to give in to the fear. Finally, her hand relaxed as she looked up and noticed his face.
Jess laughed. “I’m sorry. Did that hurt?”
He swallowed,
picked up her hand, and placed it back in her own lap.
“Wow. So touchy,” she slurred. And then she perked up. “Myles, I need a favor. I mean… I know you’re here as my employee, not my friend. I’m sorry I let those lines blur. I’ll pay you, of course...”
He raised his brow. It was as though she’d seen right through every ounce of guilt he’d ever had.
“I can borrow from my parents… until this is all sorted out.”
Ouch. She wasn’t the only one who’d blurred the lines. He regained his composure. “Of course, you can.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
He glanced out the window and then back at her. “Nothing. I’m sorry I said it.”
“Well, it’s just that I’m probably never coming back to Africa and this isn’t exactly the memory I want to have of it.”
Myles frowned. “And…?”
“And, I want an adventure…”
“I’d say this has been an adventure.”
She slapped his shoulder. “You know what I mean.”
He was afraid he had a clue. “You’re not acting like a woman scorned.”
She threw her head back and laughed. “Yeah, well, no doubt thanks to your Xanax mixed with my Xanax. Plus, there’s plenty of time for that…”
Myles deadpanned. “You weren’t supposed to have Xanax on you. What I had was yours.”
He felt her watching carefully as he he fumed. “How many did you take?”
Jess grinned. “Just three…but I borrowed a few bottles of vodka from the mini-bar, too.”
He turned in his seat before looking over his shoulder. “I’m done babysitting, Jessica. You’re a fucking child.”
Her expression turned devious. “So, I take it that’s a no?”
Myles turned back and stared out the window. He was running out of patience. And nothing good had ever come from that happening.
“Sit on the bed,” he ordered once back at the hotel where he’d taken her to his room so that he could keep an eye on her.
He’d caught her off guard. “Sit.” He demanded once again.
She eyed the chair then reluctantly took a seat.
Myles paced. “I’m going to tell you something and it doesn’t leave this room. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
She nodded slowly.
“Say it,” he said, his voice hard. He lowered his voice and started again. “I need to hear you say it.”
“All right. I pinky promise. It doesn’t leave this room.”
He swallowed and paced some more before stopping abruptly. “I have… I had a daughter.”
“You—?”
Myles held up his hand and cut her off. He paused then sat on the edge of the bed, facing her and met her gaze head on. “Let me finish. I was married… once. We had a daughter, and when she was three, she died. As if that isn’t fucked up enough… I didn’t know… I didn’t even make it home in time for the funeral. I didn’t even find out she was dead for eight days. Eight fucking days. I was on a mission that couldn’t be interrupted, they’d later said. But the truth is that’s how it always was. I was a Navy SEAL, which basically meant that I was always gone. And that was pretty much how my life was. I did what I felt I needed to do, what I felt was best for me. And, you know what? It cost me. I wasn’t there when my child got sick, and I wasn’t there when they put her in the ground. People like to say that I was doing my duty—but you know what? That’s fucking bullshit. My family and my child were my duties. And I failed at it. I failed at being a husband and I failed at being a father. I basically failed the whole mission. After she died, it was clearer than it had been before, and so my wife left. She left our home, she took her things... and she just left. By the time I got back, she was already gone. I haven’t seen her since. Eight days. It’s amazing how your whole life can just disappear in eight days.”
He shook his head and sighed. “Three months later, I received divorce papers and a letter. And that was that.”
Jess swallowed. “Oh, my God. I didn’t know… I’m sorry.”
He shrugged. “You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this…”
She shook her head slightly.
“Well, I’m telling you because it’s something you need to hear. And I guess… it’s something I need to say. I don’t have many friends at this point, and if I did have one, you’d be the closest thing to it. You’re taking your life, Jessica… you’re taking your children for granted. Do you have any idea what it’s like to lose a child? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess not. Well… let me tell you… a part of you fucking dies. Nothing and I mean nothing is ever the same.” Myles took a deep breath, let it out, and continued. “I can see that you’re hurting. That your life hasn’t turned out like you thought it would… but guess what? No one’s life does. I see clearly what’s coming for you, and it’s either another overdose or losing your kids... and either way, they lose. Do you have any idea what I would give to have a second chance? To have a tiny bit of what you have. Your life isn’t perfect. That’s obvious. But have you stopped to notice how your kids look at you? Have you considered them in any of this? Because I have.”
Jess stared at the floor. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” she said and then she stood and went to him. “You’re right. And I guess the answer is no. Well, yes and no. I know I’ve been selfish. But I just don’t feel anything. I’m numb… and it’s been this way for so long now that I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t stop… it just feels too big. Too far beyond what I’m capable of. And now, I come here… and there’s this to deal with. ”
He turned slightly to face her. “I get it, but there’s a lot to lose in your position. You must see that, right?”
Jessica leaned in and brushed his bangs from his eyes. “What are you suggesting I do?”
Myles scooted backward just an inch on the bed. He knew that look. “I have a feeling what you’re thinking, and it isn’t the answer… you need to sober up, Jessica.”
She swallowed hard. “I’m not that high.” She closed the gap between them. “Just once. I need to feel something... ”
He inched backward again. “That sounds like a bad movie line. And I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way.”
She gave him a hard look. “Au contraire. I’ve seen you with your women.”
Myles considered how she’d cornered him. “I can’t have sex with you and then stick around. I don’t work that way.”
Jessica cocked her head to the side. “What if we made a deal? I get clean… you stick around.”
Myles snorted. “That’s not a deal… that’s a relationship.”
She bit her lip and then smiled slyly. It was driving him crazy the way she was looking at him and he was afraid she knew it. “No. It’s a business arrangement.”
Myles knew this was a terrible idea and yet he leaned in and kissed her anyway. Just once. He needed to know what it felt like to give in.
She let him kiss her until he seemed satisfied, and then she pulled away slowly and studied his face. “So, I take it, that’s not a no?”
Myles searched her eyes. “It’s a maybe…”
Her face lit up and she cocked her head, curious. “A maybe based on what?”
He smiled. “How good the sex is.”
She swallowed hard, nodded, and raised her brow. “You should know then that it’s been awhile...”
Myles leaned closer, grabbed her hips, and lowered her backward onto the bed. “Yeah, well, it’s sort of like riding a bike…” He whispered as he raised her arms over her head and held them there. He trailed kisses down her neck and then back up again until he reached her ear. “You don’t forget...”
She practically purred as he let his other hand trail down her thigh and up her dress. He paused and reached for his wallet, removed a condom, and then slipped her panties off and undid his pants. He never took his eyes from hers. He was almost certain she’d call his bluff and back out, which would’ve been fine because this
level of intimacy was too much for him in every sense, but when she raised her brow as though to ask what he was waiting for, he forced himself to level up and answered the unspoken question by plunging into her. Hard. She gasped and gripped his shirt, then released her grip, and dug her nails into his back. Myles didn’t slow the intensity of his thrusts. He didn’t make love to her the way he probably should have. He fucked her. This was what the situation called for, he realized, whether it was right or not. He was rougher than he’d intended, but a part of him didn’t care. And she didn’t seem to mind too much either.
Chapter Twelve
“What did we just do?” Jessica asked as they lay there tangled up in each other.
“We fucked.”
“Yeah. We did.” She swallowed, her mouth dry, her legs trembling, those distant and yet familiar trembles she had so missed. “I haven’t been fucked like that in… well, forever.”
“That’s a shame,” he remarked as he sat up and handed her a bottle of water after twisting the cap off.
She sipped the water, handed it back to him, and then stood up slowly, straightening her dress.
Myles look confused. “What are you doing?”
“Going back to my room.”
He furrowed his brow.
“You don’t want to talk or cuddle or anything.”
She eyed him, and then shook her head slowly. “No. Do you?”
He smiled. “No.”
“Good,” she said turning toward the door.
“Good,” he agreed standing and making his way over to her.
Myles put his hand against the door so she couldn’t open it. He ran his lips along the back of her neck. “Hey, Jessica,” he said, his voice low, before resuming his trail along the back of her neck ending just behind her ear.
Chills. She froze instantly.
“Can I call you?” he whispered.