by Jody Hedlund
Chapter
14
I stared through the crenels of the parapet, my eyes betraying my resolve by following Bennet around. No matter how much I scolded myself, I couldn’t stop my legs from climbing to the top of the tower. And I couldn’t prevent my heart from longing to talk to him again, to banter, or to lapse into one of our in-depth conversations about a topic that wouldn’t interest anyone but the two of us.
I smiled sadly at the thought, and at the fact that I hadn’t seen or talked with him since that day in the garrison. Another dismal week had passed, until finally, over the past two days, the clouds finally broke and gave way to sun.
But even with the rain gone, the lands surrounding the castle were drenched and muddy. Lord Pitt’s siege engines were stuck fast, and he hadn’t attempted to resume any hand-to-hand combat. Yet.
Perhaps he was waiting for the ground to dry and harden before starting the bombardment again. In the distance, the smoke of campfires rose into the air among the sea of tents that they’d erected. I wondered if they were as wet and miserable as we were.
Whatever the case, Lord Pitt had the advantage. We wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. When the servants had brought out a platter of roast and the last of the turnips at the noon meal, I’d jested with Lady Elaine that we were feasting like queens. She’d promptly pushed away from the table and retched. I surmised that the idea of eating horse-meat hadn’t appealed to her. Not that I didn’t abhor the idea of having to slaughter the gentle beasts. But we had no choice. Once the horses were gone, we’d be left with skinny hunting dogs and rats. I’d decided to enjoy the horsemeat while it was available.
I returned my thoughts to the scene before me. Bennet had been standing next to the stables, talking with Aldric for some time. I was too far away to hear their conversation, but from their gestures I could see their discussion had grown heated and tense.
Aldric had resumed more responsibilities every day. I prayed that meant he was coming out of the prison that had held him captive since he’d lost his wife. His hair was still shaggy, his steps slow, and his shoulders bent. I had no doubt he felt the weight of the siege more heavily than most, since his foolishness had brought the family to its demise. Even so, at least he was attempting to do his part to help.
Aldric tossed up his hand as though frustrated with Bennet, then turned and stomped away, splashing mud with each step. Bennet rammed his fingers into his hair and stared after his brother. Then, much to my surprise, he turned and peered up at me.
My heartbeat leapt, and I slid out of sight behind the merlon. Had he known I was observing him?
I pressed my cheek against the cold stone, entirely embarrassed by my weakness for him. Why did I have to care so much about what he was doing and how he was faring? Especially after he’d been less than honest with me about the imminent danger at Maidstone?
With a sigh, I tugged at the linen of my glove. The material had become hopelessly stained from my daily trips to help the wounded. Even though my maid had scrubbed the gloves every night, they were ruined. I saved my extra pair for dinner and for the few occasions when Grandmother and I gathered with the other women for company.
But most of the time I wore my dirty pair, and every time I looked at them they served to remind me of the dirty skin underneath. And of my own deception.
How could I stay upset with Bennet for being untruthful when I hadn’t been completely honest with him either? How could I condemn him when I was guilty of the same?
I rubbed the glove up to my elbow and sagged against the parapet, slumping down until I was sitting with my skirt bunched into a heap around me. Perhaps I hadn’t lied to him. But I’d known how important beauty was to him. I’d known how much he revered and appreciated fine things. I think I’d known deep down that he’d already compromised his desire for a beautiful wife in order to accept the possibility of marrying me. And perhaps I’d feared that he’d reject me outright if he knew about my flaws and the depth of my ugliness.
Wasn’t that why Grandmother had been particularly insistent that I keep my gloves on during my visit? She’d known, just as I did, that Bennet would have a difficult time accepting me if he knew the truth. After all, my own father had never been able to overcome the truth and love me.
With a groan, I buried my face in my gloved hands. I couldn’t hold bitterness or distrust toward Bennet for his sin of omission when my deception was so much greater. I should have shown him my skin and the mark thereon when I’d begun to feel the first twinges of attraction. At the very least, I should have shown him when I’d proposed that day in his study. He had every right to know what I was really like before he agreed to marry me.
And now it was too late to tell him the truth. Wasn’t it?
I wrapped my arms around my knees and hugged them to my chest. I couldn’t tell him. The fact was I was too scared. Scared because I didn’t want to lose him.
The reality wrenched through me with startling clarity.
I loved him.
I buried my face deeper into my arms and trembled at the knowledge. I loved Bennet as I’d loved no one else. Somehow, sometime during the past month at Maidstone, I’d fallen in love with him. For all the misunderstandings regarding the nature of my visit, I hadn’t been able to stop my heart from opening up and caring about him deeply and intensely. No matter his faults, I’d seen the good man he was, the kind of man I was proud to know and love.
I released an anguished cry and struggled to keep back the sudden sting of hot tears. It was hopeless. I couldn’t tell him of my flaw now. If he saw the stain on my body, I wouldn’t be able to bear the revulsion in his eyes. Even if he was kind enough not to show disgust outwardly, he’d surely feel pity for me. And I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing that in his eyes either.
At the creak of the trapdoor, I lifted my head to the sight of Bennet crawling through the hatch. I swiped my cheeks, praying that none of my tears had inadvertently escaped. As he stood and started toward me, I straightened but didn’t bother to stand. He wasn’t attired in his armor today. From the smoothness of his cheeks and the absence of grime, I could see that he’d recently taken some time to groom. Apparently he’d come to the conclusion that Lord Pitt didn’t plan to resume attacks but was satisfied to starve us out of the castle.
“May I join you?” he asked, stopping in front of me. He was breathless and had obviously rushed up here to join me after spotting me from below. His face was thinner after three weeks on low rations. His eyes were gaunt. But there was a gentleness in his expression I couldn’t resist.
I nodded to the spot next to me. “Of course you can join me. I promise I won’t scratch your eyes out and then force you to jump to your death.”
His grin broke free and warmed me more than all the rays of the sunshine combined. “You always know how to cheer me up.”
“It’s my way of apologizing.”
His eyes rounded as though he’d expected a great deal more resistance and pouting on my part.
“I’m sorry I didn’t forgive you immediately when you asked me to,” I continued. “I had no right to harbor any ill feelings toward you for doing what you thought was in the best interest of Maidstone.”
He lowered himself next to me, careful not to brush me as he leaned back and stretched his legs out in front of him. He was silent for a moment, and then he surprised me by reaching for my hand and enfolding it within his. “Thank you, my lady,” he said. “You’re too generous with your kindness to me. I’m entirely undeserving of it, but I covet it nonetheless.”
“Yes, you are quite the big ugly ogre,” I teased. “Without any charm whatsoever.”
“I’m not merely charming you,” he countered. “I truly do believe you’re the kindest woman I’ve ever met. I say that with all sincerity.”
Warmth stole through me. “Now you really are trying to flatter me.” Even if he was only being his chivalrous self and would treat any woman this way, I still loved it. I loved his comp
liments and his sweetness and how special he made me feel.
“I mean it. You’re remarkable.”
With the blue skies and sunshine overhead, I could almost believe for a second that everything was perfect, that we were at peace, and that there was a possibility that Bennet could someday harbor real affection for me.
He squeezed my hand as though to assure me, and I tried to ignore the guilt that told me I needed to say something to him now about my marred skin. Instead, I bumped my shoulder against his and attempted to move the conversation toward lighter matters again. “I’m sure you’re flattering me because you’ve been secretly hoping I’d give you Stephan. You’ve realized what a prize possession he is, and you’ll stop at nothing to get him.”
“You figured me out.” He lowered his head in mock guilt. “I’ve always wanted a tiny fluttering mass of feathers. It’s been my deepest desire since I was but a lad. And now that I have one within my grasp, I’ll do anything to have him.”
I laughed softly in appreciation of his jesting. And he grinned at me in return. After the past week of tension, it felt good to be friends again.
“I’ll let you in on a secret,” I said. “I’m a pushover. All you need to do is ask, and you’ll get whatever you wish from me.”
“Whatever?” He quirked his brow, and as he did so, he glanced at my mouth.
A tingle rippled up my back. He couldn’t be thinking about kissing me again, could he? The dark blue of his eyes softened into sapphires and filled with something that I could only classify as desire.
My breath caught, and I didn’t move. I couldn’t.
“So you’ll really give me whatever I want?” His voice was low, and as before, the rumble in it did funny things to my insides.
“Sir,” I whispered, leaning back just slightly. “I shall give you what you need most right now.”
He tilted so that his forehead was almost against mine. “And what’s that?”
The closeness made me dizzy, and his breath against my cheek was almost my undoing. I had the sudden longing to press my cheek against his, to feel his smooth skin against mine. Instead, I took a deep breath and plunged forward with a topic I knew would put some distance between us. “The thing you need most right now is my wealth.”
He jerked backward as though I’d bitten him, and he started to pull his fingers out of mine. I captured his tightly with my other hand before he could do so.
“You need my wealth,” I said matter-of-factly.
“And I already told you I won’t use you for it. I refuse—”
"I’ll give you a loan.”
The frustrated lines that had formed in his brow froze into place. “A loan?”
“I’ll give you the amount of silver you need, with the stipulation that you’ll repay me in the future.”
He studied my face, and as he did so, the lines in his began to smooth away. For a long moment, he didn’t say anything. Then, finally, he shook his head. “No. It won’t work. I’d never be able to repay you, and then I’d have to live the rest of my life indebted to you.”
“Would that be so bad, sir?” I asked, smiling at him. “I can think of many ways that could work to my advantage.”
He didn’t smile in return.
I sighed, released his hand, and then pushed myself up so that I was standing. “You’ve been altogether too stubborn as it is. And now, with a perfectly reasonable plan placed before you, you’re still acting like a mule?”
He remained seated against the parapet, leaning his head back and squeezing his eyes shut as if the topic was too painful for him to discuss.
Even if he didn’t want to hear the truth, someone had to tell him. I wasn’t afraid to be that someone. “There’s a difference between being honorable and being an idiot. And I’m afraid you’re being the latter.”
His eyes shot open and focused on me towering above him.
“Yes, you heard me correctly,” I continued. “You’re being an idiot. You’re letting your pride stand in the way of ending this battle.”
I caught sight of the anguish pooling in his eyes before he dropped his head. I knew I was being harsh. After all, he was only doing his best to save his family’s estate as nobly as he could. But now it was time to put the siege to an end before we were too desperate or it was too late.
He was silent, and the distant bray of a dog—likely from the enemy camp—reminded me of the danger lying just over the castle walls, and the fact that we were trapped inside with no way of escape, except by surrender or death.
“Sir,” I said. “If not for yourself, then think of all of those here who are at your mercy. The servants, the women—”
“I’ve done nothing but think of them—of you,” he said hoarsely, raising his head. “Don’t you know that I think about you night and day?”
Night and day? Surely he was jesting. Even so, I couldn’t find a coherent response.
As though sensing my disbelief, he stood and reached for my arm. His fingers closed about the glove that rose to my elbow. “I’ve considered dozens of options for how I might get you out of the castle and away from the danger. I’ve gone sleepless at night plotting how to save you from this siege and the starvation. Every day I hate myself more for dragging you into this mess.” His grip tightened with each word he spoke, until his fingers pinched me.
Could his confession mean he cared about me, that perhaps he even returned my love? I started to shake my head, but he suddenly pulled me forward, leaving me no choice but to fall into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me so that my cheek rested against his heart. I could hear the hard, rapid thump, feel the solidness of his arms, and smell the soapy clean scent of his fresh garments.
I closed my eyes and relaxed against him. This was exactly where I wanted to be. With him. Even if he’d devised a way to set the women free from the siege, I wouldn’t want to go. I wanted to stay so that I could be near him and make sure he was safe. But I couldn’t very well admit that, could I? To do so was tantamount to admitting that I loved him and giving him permission to perhaps do the same. Such a confession at this point would only amount to heartache for both of us, especially once he saw my blemish and learned of my deceit.
Even so, I had to say something, had to let him know I cared. “I have to admit, you haven’t kept me from sleep, sir. Only the thought of melted cheese on bread can do that. But . . .”
His hands upon my back spread out, and he pressed his face into my hair, drawing in a deep breath. “But what?”
The low tenor of his voice sent shivers up and down my arm and to my fingertips. “But . . . I can admit I worry about you during my waking hours. That’s why I’m up here. I can’t resist coming up to make sure you’re unharmed.”
I could feel his lips against my hair move into a smile. “Ah, so I’m irresistible to you, am I?”
“Maybe a little.” I smiled in return, knowing I shouldn’t feel quite so happy, but unable to stop the swell of it nonetheless. “If you must know, I can’t resist watching the way the mud and manure squishes under your feet as you drill your men. The squishing is so romantic.”
“The smell is even more so.”
I closed my eyes and hugged him more fiercely, grateful he was alive, grateful for his strength, grateful that I’d had the chance to get to know him. “You’re a good friend, Bennet.”
“Is that all I am?” His voice rumbled near my ear. “A friend?”
“If you must know . . .” My pulse pattered faster, and I tried to keep my tone light. “You’ve become a very good friend.”
“Very?”
“What? Must I qualify even further?” I teased. “Will very, very good friend satisfy you?
“No, not in the least.”
“Then you’re difficult to please, sir.” I pulled back with a widening smile, but when I saw the intensity in his expression, my humor faded.
“Sabine,” he started, searching my face. “I like being friends. I’m glad that we are, that we can talk so e
asily. But I don’t want to be just friends with you.”
My pulse slowed to a crawl.
“Is there the possibility that we could ever be more than just friends?” he asked, hesitantly.
“Perhaps.” I was embarrassed by my sudden breathlessness. “Then you’ve given me a hope that I shall cling to.”
I started to shake my head. “I know you’re thinking of my reputation—”
He pressed a finger to my lips to stop my protest. “I want to marry you. No one’s forcing me to do it.”
His words sent a thrill through me, but I hid it with a jest. “You’re afraid of what my grandmother might do to you if you refuse.”
“Your grandmother is quite intimidating. But I’ve faced worse.”
I could picture him charging into battle against countless armed enemies, wielding his sword deftly. It would have been brutal.
He was a strong and brave man. There was no doubt about it. But was he brave enough to face the truth about me? Did I dare show him? Here in this moment? He was all but proposing marriage to me, this time because he wanted to, because he cared about me. He deserved to know the truth first, before I allowed him to harbor hope.
I started to reach for the edge of my glove, but hesitated at the thought of the sweetness fading from his eyes and being replaced with repulsion. I doubted he’d want to marry me, much less be in my company, if he knew the truth about my skin.
I shook my head. No, I couldn’t show him yet. I’d have to think of a way to divulge my secret. Some other time. Under better circumstances. When perhaps he’d be able to see past the blemish to the person I really was.
“I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves.” I forced a laugh. “Don’t you think we should figure out how we’re going to survive imminent death and starvation before we start worrying about Grandmother making you marry me?”
I glanced beyond him to the muddy fields and marshes that had been trampled by Lord Pitt’s army. Beyond, on drier ground, the enemy camps spread in almost a complete circle around the castle. He followed my gaze.