by Sam Crescent
James or the club may not believe him, but it was the fucking truth, no matter what anyone said.
“Oh,” she said.
Ryan raised a brow at him.
It was like looking in a mirror twenty years ago when he stared at Ryan. So much power in such a young body.
“I’m fine,” Ryan said.
“You can take that break now, if you want,” Teri said.
Dane knew she was embarrassed and wanted any reason to get rid of the two of them.
Making their way out into the evening air, Dane pulled out a cigarette, needing something to do with his hands.
“Did you mean what you said in there, or were you just trying to get under Teri’s skin?” Ryan asked.
“I meant what I said.” Dane looked toward his son. “Teri can take care of herself. Some yelling, fighting, and shit wouldn’t bother her. She’s used to it. You, on the other hand, I don’t know what you’ve seen.”
“It’s not my first fight.”
“If you take after me, it won’t be your last either.” He took a deep inhale on his cigarette.
“Mom hated it when you smoked.”
“I know. Your mom doesn’t give me the time of day anymore.”
“Do you blame her?” Ryan asked.
“Nope. I wouldn’t give me the time of day either. Just because I fucked up doesn’t mean I don’t know it, Ryan.”
“Why did you come back? Did you expect things to be exactly the same as when you left?”
“Yeah, I did. I didn’t expect to come home to find my wife shacking up with a rancher, my son with an attitude that rivals mine, and my secret affair to be out in the open, but it is.”
“And you’re still here,” Ryan said.
“In the flesh. I’m not running.”
“I thought that was what you did. When things got a little too hard, you ran.”
“You know, all my life, I’ve run once. That was it, and everyone is holding it over my head.”
“You had a family.”
“I still have a family, Ryan. Last time I checked, you’ve all still got my blood running through your veins. That shit doesn’t change. You think I don’t know what I lost? You think I don’t lie there every single night and wonder if I should just throw it all away? None of you fucking want me around, the club, you, your mom … I know what I lost. I get to see that every single fucking day, and you think I don’t regret that?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well, you’re wrong.”
“If you gave a shit at all, you wouldn’t have walked away.”
“I know that.”
“You have no idea, do you? No idea at all. Telling Mom day after day that you were coming back. Believing that you were just playing hide and fucking seek. Each night I would listen to her cry. Every single morning she’d have red, swollen eyes, because you didn’t come back. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but I was adding to that. I’d come home, asking if you came back. It was a fucking repeat. Every single day.”
“And because I wasn’t your fucking knight, you turned.”
“I got tired of being let down,” Ryan said. “So yeah, I fail to feel sorry for you.”
Dane smiled. “You’re not getting rid of me.”
“We’ll see.”
Again, Dane thought this was hilarious. He watched Ryan walk back into the diner and knew that he was going to snap.
Ryan would finally give in to that anger and rage. When he did, they would need him. Like he thought, it was like looking in a mirror, and the club may think he was useless now, but Ned Walker had showed him how to channel that anger, how to deal. His time away had also given him answers.
When the time came, he’d be here for his son, and he’d make sure Ryan didn’t go on the same path as he did. It was the least he could do for being the worst father in the world.
****
Caleb scrubbed the wooden patio, removing all the old varnish that had been there. He was taking it down to the base wood, and he intended to spend the entire week varnishing it so that it looked like the rest of the cabin.
He’d already removed all the dust and dirt from the cabin.
James had said the housekeeper had dropped off some food to get him started and that she’d stop by every single week with fresh food.
The woman was supposed to take care of upkeep, but clearly, she didn’t, not that Caleb minded right now. He needed the work to take his mind off of other matters.
He didn’t want to think about anything else.
After scrubbing the wood, his arms ached, but he saw the beautiful wood beneath, ready for its varnish. He’d been here for three days now. The first day had been a complete disaster. He’d sat down in a chair and thought about Kitty all the fucking time. He missed her, so it had been a waste of time. The second day, he’d been determined to do something other than think about the woman that he couldn’t have.
Once he started cleaning, which he’d never told any of the club that he liked doing, he’d not been able to stop. There were supplies to repair and clean the cabin, but none of the club had been up here in over a year, maybe even longer.
At least he felt more like himself than he had in a long time. There was no anger right now, or sadness. Just acceptance.
“Hey, I hope I’m not interrupting.”
He looked up to find Kitty standing there, a bag over her shoulder, and he frowned. Closing his eyes, he opened them again, expecting her to disappear. “You’re here?”
Glancing over her shoulder, he didn’t see any sign of a car.
“I got Pixie to drop me off. I wanted to walk here by myself.” She nibbled her lip, and with her long hair pulled back, she looked so damn beautiful. He paused in scrubbing the wood floor to simply stare at her. “I … I was wondering if you’d like some company. Just you and me. I got some time off at the diner, and James said this was where you were. I can leave. I don’t want to impose on your time, and right now I am completely rambling and I think I totally need to stop.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say so much all at once.”
“Right now, I’m thinking it’s a flaw.” He watched her take a deep breath. “Would you like me to leave?”
“No. I’d love for you to stay.”
Moving down the porch steps, he held his hand out, and she gave her bag to him. “You don’t have to carry that. I can do that.”
“I know you’re all Miss Independent. I like it. Makes me feel like I can do something to help.”
“You do a lot of things, Caleb. More than you realize.”
“And I want to continue to do so much more.” He wanted to touch her but knew that wouldn’t be happening.
Instead, he turned on his heel and made his way into the cabin. There were two bedrooms, and he already had one set up for himself. Making his way to the one across, he placed her bag on the bed, moving toward a window.
“When we get back I’ll mention to James that we need a new housekeeper.”
“How come?”
“There was a ton of dust when I got here. No point paying someone to do a job they’re not doing right. So, do you want some help?”
“Nah, you go back to doing what you do. I’ll clean out this bedroom.”
He turned his back and was about to leave the room when her voice stopped him.
“Thank you.”
Glancing over his shoulder, he frowned. “For what?”
“For not sending me on my way when you had every right to do so.”
“This is your home as well.”
“But you were away, and I didn’t know if that was permanent.”
He smiled. “I love that you came, Kitty. It means a lot to me that you did.”
Leaving her to get settled in, he went back outside, and found himself humming as he continued to sand down the porch.
He wasn’t upset with Kitty for being with him, far from it. At first, he thought he’d imagined her. Now though, it would be nice to ha
ve her company and not the club breathing down their necks every two seconds.
That was just another element of what he found frustrating about club life. Everyone had an opinion about what they wanted to say or do. Not once did they have any solution to help them.
Give Kitty time.
Take it slow.
Be patient.
He was doing all those things and more, and yet at times it felt like they treated him as an abusive boyfriend.
Caleb just finished up the steps when Kitty came out, carrying a small tray. He saw the loaded sandwiches and tall drinks.
“I figured you could use some refreshment.”
“It’s hot, so let’s take it over there.” He pointed near a large tree that provided some shade. Collapsing to the ground, he took the tray from her, placing it on the ground as he watched her. “You needed some space?”
“Yeah, and we’ve been told to try this. Going away together even if we did start out on separate trips.” She chuckled. “Ham and cheese?”
“You know it’s my favorite.”
He took the plate and dived in, enjoying the sandwich. For the past two days he’d been living on bread and noodles, too exhausted to do anything but sleep after the hours he’d been working.
“I’d forgotten how good the cabin looks,” Kitty said. “It seems smaller.”
“It’s two bedrooms, dining room, kitchen, shared bathroom, and sitting room. It’s pretty big.”
“It’s bigger than my apartment,” she said with a giggle.
“Any luck on finding a replacement roomie?”
“Nah. Teri said she had a couple of applicants she was going to interview while I was away.”
“How long are you away for?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Couple of weeks, longer. I’ve been working non-stop, and James said I could take as long as I want. How long are you staying here?”
“Until I make a decision.”
“What about?”
“About staying in Greater Falls or heading back to Vegas.”
He saw her freeze up. She stopped chewing her sandwich and looked nervous as hell.
“You’re considering moving back to Vegas?”
He nodded. There was no point in lying to her.
“You don’t like Greater Falls?”
“I love where we live. I love what we do and that we’re not like other MCs. What I don’t like is this … feeling.”
“What kind of feeling?”
“Empty, lost, I’m not used to it.”
“You think Vegas will help you with that?”
“I think Vegas will help me focus on something and not on everything that I can’t have. I’m not trying to push you here, Kitty. I’m just being honest.”
“I know. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“Would you go back to Vegas?”
“For a quick trip, yes. To live and stay there, no. Too many bad memories.”
He knew.
Caleb had heard her nightmares and knew her past terrors were real to her. She wasn’t always able to fight them.
“I’d miss you if you went,” she said.
He smiled. “I’d miss you too.”
Glancing around the yard, he smiled. It really was a beautiful location, out in the wilderness, away from people, life, and an opportunity to forget about all the worries of the past and future.
He took in a deep breath and released it.
The sound of sniffling brought his attention back to Kitty. He saw the tears in her eyes as she turned away from him.
“What is it?” he asked.
“It’s nothing.”
“What have I told you about lying to me?” He moved a little closer but made sure that he didn’t touch her.
Any touching that would happen would come straight from Kitty herself.
“It’s stupid.”
“Hey, remember, nothing is stupid. Tell me. I could be able to help.”
She sighed. “I’m going to miss you when you go. It’s selfish of me, I know, but I don’t want you to go. I like you being here. This is your home.”
“Kit?”
“I … I better go back inside and get some dinner ready. I saw lots of ingredients in the fridge, and if they’re not put to good use we’ll have to throw them out.”
Before he could stop her, she was already gone, and he sighed, sitting back. It didn’t matter what he said to her, he always seemed to be putting his foot in it.
Leaning back against the tree, his cell phone buzzed.
Checking the caller ID, he saw that James was calling him.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“I’m making sure Kitty made it and you were happy with her being there with you?”
“Yeah, she’s here.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” James said.
“I told her my plans and that I might be moving back to Vegas.”
“Oh, dear.”
“Yeah, not in her good books right about now.”
“Shit, you couldn’t wait until after everything?” James asked.
“After what?”
“When you got back?”
“I’m not going to hide anything from her, even if she doesn’t like it. I’m not like that.”
“Yeah, you have to keep all the shit real. I get it.”
He heard the disapproval in James’s tone, and he didn’t like it.
“Anyway, I was calling to let you know there was an incident last night with Kitty.”
“What? What happened?” He listened as James caught him up, surprising him by Kitty’s response to being spoken to and grabbed.
She would normally panic, scream, and they’d have to help her. This violence wasn’t like her, but he was damn proud that she took care of herself.
“She didn’t have a nightmare last night. Teri was on duty.”
“I’ll keep an eye on her.”
“Caleb?”
“Yeah?”
“I … I think she really wants to try this with you.”
Caleb refused to get his hopes up. Over the years they had been crushed way too many times.
“Bye, James.”
****
“You’re sure you should have told him?” Pixie asked.
James put the phone down and released a breath. “When it comes to the two of them, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Meddling in their affairs shouldn’t be one of them,” Damon said.
Running a hand down his face, he looked at his men who were in the office, Pixie, Damon, and Jerry. He trusted every single patched-in member with his life. They were a family, even if it was a fucked-up one that came from violence.
“Caleb loves Kitty,” James said.
“We all know this.” Pixie spoke up. “Just as we know that Kitty loves Caleb. They’re equally matched.”
“But Kitty can’t bring herself to commit to Caleb, or touch, or anything. We’re constantly getting in their way. I think this is the answer. Besides, Kitty decided this. She wants to be with Caleb, and we all know it.”
“I hope you’re right, otherwise Kitty is going to be broken and we’re going to lose Caleb. I don’t want to lose them both,” Pixie said.
Chapter Four
“Why didn’t you tell me something happened?” Caleb asked.
Kitty turned to see the object of her dreams, fantasies, and sadness, standing before her. Her feelings for Caleb were so strong. She’d been fighting it for years, and she was tired of waiting. James had once told her years ago that a true gentleman would wait a lifetime. She didn’t know why she remembered that. When she met the Dirty Fuckers MC, she’d been young with so much experience it was scary. She didn’t want Caleb to wait any longer, nor did she want to continue to be this horrible, selfish woman.
Biting her lip, she looked at him, a little confused. “I have no idea what you mean?”
“The diner? You don’t think that’s worth telling me about.”
�
��Oh, I didn’t really think about it, to be honest.”
“Some guy says bad shit to you and another grabs you and you don’t think that’s important.”
“I twisted his nipples and smashed a water glass across his head. No, I don’t think it was worth mentioning. The club was there, helping. Pixie got me outside. I was a little sick afterward. I guess from the adrenaline, but other than that, there’s nothing you can do about it.” She shrugged.
“I should have fucking been there.”
He ran fingers through his hair, looking really pissed off.
“But you weren’t, and nothing else happened. I’m not worried. You shouldn’t be either.”
He paced the length of the kitchen, which compared to his tall frame, wasn’t very far. She counted two steps, a spin, and back. Over and over he did this. How did he not get dizzy?
“I should have been there.”
She didn’t like how worried he was. Stepping up toward him, she hesitated.
He was vibrating with anger. He clearly wanted to go back in time and give those men a beating, but it wasn’t going to resolve anything.
Licking her dry lips, she stared at him.
He’s never harmed you.
He’s a good man.
He cares about you.
Never has he laid a finger on you to hurt you.
Reaching out, she grabbed his hand, which halted his rapid pacing.
They both stopped, and she saw Caleb look at his hand where she touched. His hands were nice and warm.
She didn’t want to let him go. Taking a deep breath, and feeling somewhat bold, she took his other hand.
Kitty couldn’t stop the smile from playing across her lips. This felt amazing, fantastic, a giant step forward, and she was going to bask in it.
“Don’t feel guilty for not being there, Caleb. I’m not your responsibility.”
His hands tightened around hers.
“Kitty, that’s where you’re wrong. You will always be my responsibility. For now and forever.”
He pulled out of her grip, and she watched him step back.
This wasn’t supposed to be happening. She hadn’t even been here a couple of hours and already everything was turning to a mess.
This was not what she hoped for, far from it.
Do something. Anything.
“I want to try.”