I gave him my you-have-to-be-kidding-me glare. He was purchasing an oil painting on velvet of Elvis. “You’ve made me walk around this dump for two hours. I’m going to buy you this, make you tell me how much you love it, and then tonight I’m hanging it above your bed.”
“Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s the most beauteous thing I’ve ever owned. I’ll put it in a place of pride, like the back of my closet,” I said and kissed the rough stubble on his jaw.
“No, we’re hanging this baby, and every night when you go to sleep you can look at it and think of me.”
“How about just give me a picture of you.”
“I might do that too,” Ethan said, nodding his head.
We had browsed a few more aisles when we ran into a person I could tell that Ethan didn’t want to see, his brother Charlie and a beautiful, middle-aged lady. Charlie and the lady did a double-take, eyeing us from head to toe. I wasn’t sure if it was the cane I was leaning on or the way Ethan gently guided my back that grabbed their attention.
“Hey, bro,” Ethan said, holding out his hand to shake Charlie’s. “I stayed over at your house last night. I guess you were with Cherry.” Ethan almost had a warning tone to his voice.
Cherry gave Ethan a quick hug and whispered something in his ear. Charlie followed her lead and gave me a bear hug, but eyed Ethan the entire time.
“Hey, beautiful, this is my old lady, Cherry,” Charlie said and wrapped his arm around the woman at his side. “I guess I was spending the night at her place last night.”
Ethan laughed and finally put his arms back around me. “I hope you had a good time.” Ethan smirked. He appeared to be extremely uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure if it was the enormous painting of Elvis he was holding or the fact that Charlie was the last person he expected to run into that day.
“Looks like I had a better time than you.”
“Yeah, I found the liquor cabinet beside your desk.”
Charlie’s eyes lit up as if he finally understood what was going on. “You have your old lady now. You need to stay away from that junk,” Charlie said, smiling at Ethan.
An older man behind the booth started to bargain with Cherry, which grabbed Charlie’s attention. I flipped around to talk to Ethan when I saw him giving Charlie and Cherry a hard look. He was studying them like he was trying to figure out some math problem in his head. It unnerved me. I cupped my hand around his jaw, feeling his unshaved face under my hand. I wanted to take that look off his face. It was uncanny how when he should be easing my nerves, I was babying his.
“What is it?” I asked, and forced him to look down at me.
“Nothing Privy, I was just thinking about what Charlie finally has with Cherry,” he replied and kissed me on the forehead.
“Am I really your old lady?” I asked and wrapped my arms around his waist while trying to suck mine in.
He smiled. “Yeah, babe, you are. My sweet love, thank you,” he said, brushing my cheek with his hand.
I nodded, relieved that Ethan wasn’t about to have one of his more intense moments. I wasn’t so sure I could handle one that day. Charlie nudged my shoulder after Cherry purchased another bag. I wasn’t sure what was in it, but she and Charlie were loaded down with goodies. Charlie motioned his head behind him, indicating he wanted privacy. “Can I ask you something? It will only take a moment.”
Ethan slipped his arm out of mine and followed him to a safe speaking distance. Cherry tried her hand at small talk. But she only managed to drive me bonkers. She seemed to know Ethan on a level that annoyed me. I was his old lady, but I couldn’t even tell you his middle name. I didn’t know the secret that everyone seemed privy too. I didn’t even remember why he called me Privy.
Ethan and Charlie appeared out of nowhere. They both were more relaxed and seemed to have come to some understanding.
“Ready, Privy?” Ethan asked.
A tingle ran down my spine. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go anywhere with him. I didn’t even truly know him. All I knew was that he was a drunk that knew how to sweet talk. A man who liked to fuck random girls but who wouldn’t even kiss me. A lawyer who lived on the wild side. The father of the baby bouncing in my belly. The man my heart screamed it loved. At times, I could picture us having a future. I could see us maybe being a family. Then at moments like that, I was aware that I didn’t even know him. But the one time I did learn who he was, I left him. I gripped his hand. I had to play it out to see where it led.
Ethan
“My sweet love, wake up.”
She lifted her head from my shoulder and wiped the drool off the side of her face.
I looked down at the wet spot of my shirt and rolled my eyes. “My second favorite wet spot.”
“What’s your favorite?” She laughed. I tickled my finger up her thigh closer to her sweet and succulent lady part.
”That one.”
We had finally gotten back home after spending six hours at the market and dining at The Pier. We didn’t buy another thing besides that awful Elvis painting. I was going to hold her to it and make her let me hang it. I just prayed she would let me hold her and stay awhile. Praying was a new one on me, but I found myself praying a lot where Dylan was concerned.
“Come on, my sweet love, we have a picture to hang,” I said as we climbed out of the truck. I leaned in and grabbed the painting out of the extended cab. “And some cuddling to do,” I added
She stood there pulling at the ginormous t-shirt she was wearing. She hung her head down. I would have given my right arm to take that look of dread off her face. I clasped her wrist and pulled her to me until our faces were just a few inches apart. I wrapped my too-big of hands around her delicate face and smashed her cheeks together. I then gave her a loud smack on her squished together lips. “What is it, Privy?”
“I can’t have sex with you. I want to. I just can’t. Not yet,” she said and looked down at the t-shirt she was yanking on.
“Babe, I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to because there is nothing I want more. Well, that’s not true either. I just want you however I can have you.”
“My heart tells me what we had, but my mind is still scared of all of this. I know I love you. I just can’t remember falling in love with you. It’s all just mind blowing.”
I pointed to the truck. “Get in, we’re taking a small trip.”
We drove until we were on the outskirts of town before she asked me where we were going. I just winked at her. She trusted me. Which was a huge step for her and a step I didn’t deserve. I was taking her to the very field I carried her to the first night we were together. The field I was supposed to take her life in. I white-knuckled the steering wheel. That thought terrorized me. Her life was so entwined in mine now, I couldn’t imagine the world without her in it. I hid that gun, but knew I would never use it. Taking her life would be paramount to taking my own.
“What are you thinking?” she asked.
“How horrible my life would be without you in it.” I smiled and tapped her shoulder with my own. But it was a fake smile. I was horrified what memory that field would bring. I had to take that first step. If we were to build a future, we had to overcome the past.
When we pulled into the open field, she looked around as if she recognized it. I had a slight moment of panic until she smiled.
“This is our field. You brought me to where we fell in love.” Her smile got bigger and more magnificent than I could ever remember seeing. “I loved it here. I remember watching stars with you.” She twisted around and lightly kissed my lips. “I’ve wanted you to bring me here.”
She climbed out of the truck before I even got my door open and met me at the tailgate. “You wouldn’t kiss me here either.” Her face glowed at that earlier memory.
I pulled on her hand and led her down a small path onto a wide-open sea of wheat and wild flowers. I also said one of those small prayers again that she would not remember anything else that night. She stilled and gazed out over t
he massive span of fields before her. I tugged on her and lowered her to set beside me on the grass. She adjusted her clothes and slipped off her shoes.
“I didn’t bring you here to watch the stars. It’s actually too cloudy for that tonight anyway. I wanted to show you where I fell head over heels in love with you.”
I had to let her into my life, discover so many of my secrets if I wanted to build a future with her. I had to convince her I would never hurt her. So if she did remember everything, I still had a chance to hold onto her.
She tilted her head toward me. I turned to watch her mouth as she spoke. “What’s your middle name?”
“Phillip,” I answered, and felt the corner of my mouth turn up. Dylan didn’t ease into the hard stuff. If something was bothering her, she blurted it out. So the fact she wanted to know my name confirmed that this was going to be one of the great times.
“Tell me about your family. I don’t intend to be mean but Charlie looks more like your dad than your brother.”
I laughed more to break the tension between us than because I thought the situation was actually funny. “He is. He was my age when I was born. Charlie is fifty-six, Kristina, my wonderful sister, is fifty-two, Lydia, my dad’s baby girl, is forty-six. Brandon is thirty.”
“Wow, how old are your parents?”
“Good old dad is seventy-six. My sweet, wonderful mom is forty-six.”
“That’s pretty screwed up,” she said quietly.
I pondered her statement, but mostly I wondered if she finally realized how truly screwed up I really was. “It’s fucked up. I didn’t just become fucked up. I was born that way. Mr. Fucked-up at your service.”
“My Mr. Fucked-up.” She smiled and laid back down over me. “Have I met them all? Your family, that is,” she asked honestly. Her perfect little brows were wrinkled together. She clearly had something on her mind.
“All of them who matters.”
“No wonder you don’t want kids.”
“I only want you, babe.” I sighed heavily, then took her hand completely in mine.
“No more club?”
“No, babe, I said bye to everything last night. My life is about you and you alone.”
Dylan
Nothing else was said. I just laid over on his chest knowing that was it between us. I would attend Sarah’s party the next day then on Monday let the lawyer help me set up a new place to live. A place close to the most luckiest people in the world. The people who would get to be mom and dad to the person I loved the most, Ethan’s and my baby.
“E,” I raised my head to look him straight on and stroked over the stubble on his chin. “Promise me something.”
“Anything,” he answered and twisted my shirt in his hand.
“No matter what happens in this life, you’ll never forget that I love you and that you gave me the greatest gift in the world.”
“What’s that, baby doll?
“A part of you.” I kissed the side of his cheek. His hand slid down my thigh. As much as I wanted to give him my entire self . . . mind, body, and soul . . . I couldn’t. He would know my secret and hate me forever. I touched his hand to stop its wandering and lightly kissed the tip of his nose. “Take me home. My home.”
He looked deflated at the words ‘my home.’ He realized I wasn’t staying with him that night.
He pulled onto the parking pad outside my apartment, still silent. We both got out of the truck. He obviously had forgotten the Elvis painting because he left it in the truck and followed me to the front door. He stood in the doorway with his hands shoved in his pockets.
“Well, I guess this is bye,” Ethan said.
It was, but I couldn’t leave him on that note. “I’m not ready to say goodnight. Sarah is working, and Deacon is staying over at Allison’s.”
He smiled, but his eyes still had a hint of sadness. “I need to go.”
I walked over to him and put my arms around his neck then kissed the stubble that I had grown quiet fond of that day. “I don’t want you drinking.” All of a sudden, I dreaded him leaving.
He slipped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me against him. “I won’t drink. But I can’t stay here either. All I can think of is taking these huge clothes off of you, and you don’t want to.”
“I do want to . . .” I interrupted him.
“You’re not ready. I understand that. Plus, I didn’t get any sleep last night. And I want to give you time.” He brought his hands to my face and stared down at my lips. His eyelids became heavy, and his strong husky voice dropped to almost a whisper. “You have no idea how hard it is not to touch you. It was impossible before I got to taste you and felt how perfectly we fit together. Now it’s worse than any hell. I slept more nights just holding you than I ever did making love to you. But now that I had you like that I can’t sleep with you without needing to be inside of you.” He leaned into me and lightly kissed my lips. He pulled away before I had a chance to respond. “Even in these all-too-big clothes,” he said and ran his hands down my hips and over my thighs. I shivered under his fingertips. “I know how amazing you look under them. So I can’t stay.”
The way my body so easily betrayed me around him, I had to agree with his decision. As much as I wanted to take him to bed and have him kiss every inch of my body, I had a baby to think about. I sighed, knowing I had absolutely zero restraint. My body was completely pissed that I did not beg him to stay. Every moment I was with him only cemented how much I wanted him near me.
“Please go home. No brother’s house, no club, your home.” I pressed my head onto his chest to avoid the look he was giving me. His eyes held more desire in them than I’ve ever dreamed possible. “I don’t understand it all, but your mine.”
“My greatest blessing was finding you.”
“You act like you were always looking for me.”
He furrowed his eyebrows together and tilted his head. “I’ve never looked for anyone harder.” He didn’t kiss me, not even on my forehead. He let me go and backed away as soon as I loosened the grasp I had on him. “I love you,” he added.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Dylan
Ethan didn’t like the fact I had made plans without him. I hugged my pillow against my body. I really didn’t want to go myself. What that precious miracle growing inside of me was didn’t matter. I’d never love anything more whether it be a boy or girl. I prayed my heart would finally freeze over. I had lost everyone I ever loved. My daddy, Granny Beth. Soon, I would lose Ethan, and the biggest loss of all would be my baby E.
“Dill Pickle, what’s wrong?” Sarah said as she gathered me in my arms. I felt sadness unlike anything I’d ever felt before. An overwhelming sadness. I didn’t realize how hard I was crying though until I felt my whole body shake in Sarah’s arms. She was beside me, holding me tightly. I grabbed her wrist and lifted her arm away from me. I sat up in the bed and clutched my pillow tighter.
She turned me toward her, brushing at the tears pouring down my cheeks with the pad of her thumb. “Today is going to be a great day. Why are you crying?”
She looked at me and I could see the worry in her eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to regain some semblance of normalcy. I had told no one about meeting an attorney. He already sent over some scrapbooks that prospective parents had put together. I had even narrowed it down to three families. All three were willing to have an open adoption. I could watch my miracle grow up, but only from a distance.
I was still scared about everything. If I chose the route of adoption, I would have to leave soon and face the world in an all too familiar territory, alone. I might’ve spent more nights alone and scared then I cared to admit, but never in my life have I felt sadness that unbearable.
“I’m okay. Just had a bad dream.”
“About Ethan?”
I shook my head forcibly. “No! And I wish you didn’t hate him so. He’s really good to me.”
She hugged me and soothed my hair with her hand. “He’
s always good until he hurts you. You and baby E deserve so much more than him. Money isn’t everything.”
“I don’t care about his money.” I care about him.
I squirmed out of her arms. I was thankful, Sarah loved me no matter how screwed up I was. However, I wasn’t desperate. Life had taught me one thing; I was a survivor.
Luckily, she got the idea and hopped up off the bed. “Get beautiful. Danny will be here soon.”
I threw the pillow I was holding at her. She invited Danny. My therapist was not the man I wanted by my side when I sat through the torment or was it joy of learning what my sweet baby E was.
I plopped back down on the bed. I didn’t want to move much less go through the motions of that day.
Pretty Little Lies (Lie #2) Page 10