by Ben Elton
JOHN: You should never have taught her to read. Women aren’t supposed to be all sophisticated like us men.
ANNE: And the thing is, our Judith is so sweet and kind that all do love her, and it would be awful if Judith were married and Sue left an old maid. Life is dangerous for a single woman, particularly a clever one.
MARY: They be suspected of being witches.
JOHN: Because most of them are witches.
ANNE: Sue will need a husband.
MARY: But who will have the feisty little bitchington?
SUSANNA: I am still here, you know!
WILL: Well, what about this for an idea? If Judith be so pretty and popular and Sue such a feisty little bitchington, then why do not I, a stern father, announce that any young knave who doth tip his cap to our Judy must first find another who will take our Sue?
ANNE: Will, all the world is not a stage, and all the men and women aren’t merely players.
WILL: Bit of a tortured image, my love.fn7
ANNE: Setting Sue up through Judy might work in one of your comedies but it won’t work in the real world.
WILL: You’re right, you’re absolutely right, and it’s brilliant.
ANNE: Brilliant? I’ve just said your stupid plan won’t stop Sue ending up isolated, pitied, despised and endangered for life.
WILL: Yes, but you also said that it would work in a comedy, and it absolutely would.
THE RED LION THEATRE – DAY
The players are visited by the odious Robert Greene.
BURBAGE: I am sorry, Mr Greene, I know you are anxious to see staged a revival of your Bungling Bacon.
ROBERT GREENE: Bacon and Bungay.
BURBAGE: But we await a new play by Mr Shakespeare.
Now doth Greene speak in the manner of an aside, which by strict convention none can overhear.
ROBERT GREENE: Shakespeare, Shakespeare – ever doth the upstart crow peck at my botty buttocks. Curse him for his feverish fertility, but I will finish him yet. (To the players) Remember, sirrah, that I am Master of Revels. Perchance when the oafish bumsnot delivers his play I will find excuse to deny it licence.
BURBAGE: You overstep yourself, Mr Greene. I’m London’s leading actor-manager and not without friends. Unless Will’s new play be actual treason, I will see you hanged before it is denied licence.
ROBERT GREENE: Oh, you actors think you are so special, do you not, Mr Burbage? You likewise, Mr Condell.
KEMPE: And me, I’m mad special.
ROBERT GREENE: You flatter yourselves that you have social and political influence. Well, ha! You would be better to remember that you are naught but preening lovey kisses, puffed-up, strutty, shouty boys who people actually find quite irritating.fn8 Do not make an enemy of me, sirrah. Good day!
Greene doth take his leave.
BURBAGE: ‘Puffed-up, strutty, shouty boys’?
CONDELL: ‘Preening lovey kisses’? Outrageous slur!
KEMPE: Well, you two are a bit.
BURBAGE: Shut up, Kempe! Of course actors are special and influential.
CONDELL: Hugely special and influential.
KEMPE: Mad special and influential.
BURBAGE: It’s a great burden of deep responsibility.
CONDELL: I feel it very deeply.
BURBAGE: We have a great duty to use our influence for good.
CONDELL: To point out, for instance, that poverty is horrid and that cruelty is cruel.
BURBAGE: Oh, absolutely. Actors have an enormous responsibility to point out that poverty is horrid and cruelty is cruel.fn9
KEMPE: Cos otherwise who’d know?
BURBAGE: I doubt it would occur to people.
CONDELL: Course it wouldn’t.
WILL’S LONDON LODGINGS – DAY
Marlowe, Bottom and Kate are all present as Will describes his play.
WILL: So, we’re in Padua, right?
BOTTOM: Where’s that?
WILL: Dunno. Italy I think, but I may have made it up. I left school at fourteen. I don’t do geographical detail.
KIT MARLOWE: You should watch that, Will. Centuries after you are gone people may use it to claim you were too thick to have written your own plays.fn10
WILL: Don’t be absurd, Kit. The idea that I never wrote my own plays could only appeal to the sort of naive fact-averse fantasists who claim that the monks sacked their own monasteries to make Henry the Eighth look bad and that man never walked on the New World.
BOTTOM: I don’t believe he did. I think Raleigh faked the potato in a garden shed in Catford by crossing – by crossing a turnip with a radish.
WILL: Then you’re an insane, conspiracy-mad coach-spotter, and I can only thank benign providence that ignoramuses like you will never wield political influence.fn11 So, we are in Padua, and Lucentio wants to marry Bianca. Beautiful, sweet, obedient, and of course as hot and steaming as a fresh cowpat in a frosty meadow.
KIT MARLOWE: I must say I like her.
BOTTOM: My kinda girl.
KATE: You don’t think it might be nice to give her a few tiny extra elements?
WILL: What elements did you have in mind, Kate?
KATE: Well, I don’t know. A character maybe? A personality?
WILL: Kate, you weren’t listening. I told you: she is mild, sweet, obedient and hot. How much character and personality do you want?
KIT MARLOWE: Must say, you’re on to a winner here, mate. Cool Lucentio fools the hot Bianca and marries her. Perfect plot, job done. Let’s go to the pub.
WILL: Oh, but I am not finished. That’s not all of it.
KIT MARLOWE: You’ve got enough, mate. Quit while you are ahead.
BOTTOM: That’s what I keep saying.
KIT MARLOWE: You do this all the time.
BOTTOM: Over-complicate things.
KIT MARLOWE: Come up with a perfectly nice plot of boy meets girl, boy gets girl, and then you ruin it with all your usual rubbish of mistaken identities, absurd coincidences, supernatural interventions.fn12
BOTTOM: People not recognizing their own lovers cos they are wearing tiny, tiny masks? It’s just daft.
KATE: Actually, I think Mr Shakespeare’s plot be already too complex.
WILL: Really, Kate, how so? I have scarce begun it.
KATE: Well, boy meets girl, boy gets girl. Why not say ‘boy owns girl’ and leave it at that, perhaps displaying your leading lady alluringly clad and in a cage.
KIT MARLOWE: Actually, that’s not a bad idea.
WILL: Look, I don’t need a new idea or a new plot, complex or otherwise. I’ve got a plot and it’s brilliant. Lucentio loves Bianca but Bianca has a sister, Katherine, who be all that Bianca is not. She be bold, assertive, opinionated and feisty.
KATE: Can I play her?
WILL: No, Kate. So of course no one would dream of marrying her.
KIT MARLOWE: Well, obviously. You’d have to be insane!
WILL: Thus Bianca and Katherine’s dad declare that none may marry sweet Bianca until he has offloaded bolingbroke-busting Katherine.
KIT MARLOWE: Now this is good.
WILL: Enter Lucentio’s pal Petruchio, a charming but feckless fella.
KIT MARLOWE: Loving him already.
WILL: He needs a fortune and he doesn’t care who he marries to get it.
KIT MARLOWE: What a rogue! My kind of guy.
WILL: He offers to take Katherine and commences to break her spirit by starving her, refusing her clothing and depriving her of sleep for days on end.
Bottom and Marlowe both laugh most merrily at what Will describes.
KIT MARLOWE: That’s perfect!
KATE: And does Katherine cut this pervert’s throat in the night with a rusty knife?
WILL: No, she allows herself to be happily broken and is soon hilariously agreeing with everything her husband says. I have a lot of fun with that.
Whilst the men laugh, the maid Kate is stunned.
WILL: Driven to a compliance bordering on dementia, Katherine accepts that the
sun is the moon and an old man is a beautiful young maiden.
Bottom and Marlowe do weep with laughter.
KIT MARLOWE: That’s gonna get a big laugh. Bossy bird goes raving tonto. Love it!
BOTTOM: I am chuckling already.
WILL: Anyway, Lucentio marries Bianca and Katherine marries Petruchio and at the wedding the reformed harridan delivers a lengthy monologue about women being obedient to men.
KIT MARLOWE: What, there is even a moral? Ohhh, I don’t know how you do it, Will!
BOTTOM: Yeah, I’m going to say it’s a winner. It’ll be your most popular comedy yet.fn13
KATE: Mr Shakespeare, please do not write this appalling story.
WILL: Too late. I did it on the coach from Stratters. Burbage has it now. It’s called The Taming of the Shrew.
KIT MARLOWE: Best title ever! End of!
KATE: I have invented a new phrase, Mr Shakespeare, especially for you.
WILL: Really, Kate? That’s very flattering.
Kate doth seethe with righteous fury for the wrongs done to her sex.
KATE: Yes, it is, for you are strong as if made from chain, exciting like a pageant. You have risen up from nowhere as if a city on water. You are a guiding light and the very heart of a man.
WILL: Your words move me, sweet Kate, but I would fain know their meaning.
KATE: Why mail is made from chain, a pageant is a show, the city on water be naught but Venice, the light that guides is a star, and the heart of a man is his soul. Put them all together and you get …
WILL: Mail, show, Venice, star, soul.
KATE: I’ll leave it with you.fn14
THE RED LION THEATRE – DAY
Burbage and Condell do rehearse a scene from The Taming of the Shrew. Kempe doth watch most dubiously.
BURBAGE: ‘Come, come, you wasp; i’ faith, you are too angry.’
CONDELL: ‘If I be waspish, best beware my sting.’
BURBAGE: ‘Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.’
CONDELL: ‘In his tongue!’ Oh, I do think this is good.
BURBAGE: Yes, it’s his funniest scene yet.
The odious Greene doth enter.
ROBERT GREENE: Which is an insult to the person of Her Majesty.
BURBAGE: An insult to the Queen? How be it insulting, sirrah?
ROBERT GREENE: Why, by speaking ill of her sex, ’tis very treason. I shall not even offer it up for her consideration.
BURBAGE: This be not fair, Mr Greene. The piece is a harmless comedy and you know it. You overstep your authority, sirrah.
Greene sneers with most ugly visage.
ROBERT GREENE: Um, dur. I think you know what to do. (Sotto voce) Bacon Bungay. Good day.
WILL’S LONDON LODGINGS – DAY
Kate doth tidy most prettily. Marlowe enters.
KIT MARLOWE: Good morrow, Kate. Will home?
KATE: He’s gone back to Stratford, Mr Marlowe.
KIT MARLOWE: Ah, shame. Now his Shrew is in rehearsal, I was gonna have another stab at persuading him to give me his Edward the Second.
KATE: He may need it himself. Mr Greene refuses to show his awful, abusive play to Her Majesty for fear of offending her with its dreadful attitude to women.
KIT MARLOWE: Ha! That bastable would use any excuse.
KATE: It seems to me that Mr Greene has done Mr Shakespeare a favour. For Gloriana is a proud member of her sex and her wrath to see women so offended might have been terrible.
KIT MARLOWE: Do you think? I’m not sure.
KATE: Hmm. Perchance you don’t know much about women, Mr Marlowe.
KIT MARLOWE: Er, kinda do, particularly Queens, especially Ginger Liz.
WILL’S STRATFORD HOME – NIGHT
In their chamber, Will and Anne do lie a-bed.
WILL: Well, my love, all is not lost. It occurred to me that I could at least use the work I have done on my play to help our Sue.
ANNE: How so, husband?
WILL: Why, to tame her, wife, as Petruchio does tame the shrew. I can’t see how it can fail. Tomorrow we begin the taming of the Sue. Did you see what I did there?
ROBERT GREENE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Marlowe has come a-visiting the odious Robert Greene.
KIT MARLOWE: I just came round to thank you for saving Will’s life. I mean, I know you hate his gutlings so it was big of you.
ROBERT GREENE: Saving Shakespeare’s life, Mr Marlowe? I know not what you mean.
KIT MARLOWE: Why, by refusing to show the Queen his traitorous, seditious new play.
ROBERT GREENE: Traitorous, seditious? It be but a foolish sex comedy.
KIT MARLOWE: Yeah, but about a strong, clever, determined woman who refuses to marry whilst all around would see her wed. Remind you of anyone?fn15
ROBERT GREENE: God’s boobikins! I catch your thought.
Marlowe doth take his leave. Greene doth muse.
ROBERT GREENE: How did I not spot this? I thought only to set aside his play for mine but now I see the crow is truly in my clutches. I will be done with him for ever.
WILL’S STRATFORD HOME – DAY
The Shakespeare family be at breakfast.
SUSANNA: Can I have another bit of bacon?
Will doth whisper to Anne.
WILL: Mark me, wife. Let the taming begin. (Doth leap up and shout at his startled daughter) Bacon! Never! I will see thee starve.
SUSANNA: What? You are so weird. Shut up. Give me bacon.
Will’s manner changeth to a sweet and loving tone.
WILL: Why, sweet Susanna, this bacon be not good enough for one so charming.
JOHN: Is he pisslingtoned?
SUSANNA: You are such an arsemongle.
Will doth feign delight at this insult.
WILL: Arsemongle, am I? Kind Sue doth dub me arsemongle. Oh, that all the world would call me arsemongle.
JOHN: You’re an arsemongle.
Will doth whisper to Anne.
WILL: It’s going brilliantly. The girl be all confused by my hilariously contrary manner.fn16
SUSANNA: Why has Dad gone all weird? Tell him to stop.
WILL: Why, daughter, look through the window – is not the most beautiful moon you ever saw?
SUSANNA: Er, it’s the sun, Dad. It’s morning. Are you all right?
Will doth feign the most shouty fury.
WILL: It’s the moon, daughter, because I am your lord and father and I say it is the moon!
SUSANNA: All right, it’s the moon. Who cares? Whatever. Why are you being weird?
WILL: (Doth whisper to Anne) See, wife, it’s working! She doth own the sun to be the moon. Was ever a girl so tamed? Now to trick her once again with my sparkling wit. (Turneth to his daughter) Susanna, spy you that pretty maid sat next to Granny. Be she not a fragrant beauty?
MARY: You’re right, husband. Our son be pisslingtoned.
SUSANNA: You mean Granddad?
WILL: Not Granddad, child, for Granddad is a wrinkly old man with a face like a slapped scroting sack. ’Tis a fresh-faced maid.fn17
SUSANNA: All right, it’s a maid. Have it your way. I don’t care. Stop being weird.
WILL: Aha! And so the shrew be tamed.
SUSANNA: Shrew?
WILL: You no doubt all thought it passing strange that I be so contrary with Susanna.
SUSANNA: Shrew!
WILL: But now must own that by such tricks have I cured her of her feistiness and made of her a sweet, compliant maid.
SUSANNA: Shrew!
WILL: A girl who will agree with everything her father says and thus also the husband who will one day replace me as her master. Job done. God I am good.
Susanna leapeth up in fury.
SUSANNA: You are the worst person in the whole world! I know everyone else thinks I am a gobby bitchington but I thought at least you respected me and now you are calling me a shrew? I hate you. I hate you! Don’t ever talk to me ever again!
Susanna doth storm from the house in fury.
>
ANNE: Well, that went well.
WILL: Yes, well, it, it may be that the taming will require one or two more witty contradictions before it takes full effect.
Marlowe enters.
KIT MARLOWE: Morning, Mrs S, Mr and Mrs S senior. Any ale and pie? I’ve ridden overnight from London.
ANNE: Course, Mr Marlowe.
WILL: Kit! Well, what in the name of Titania’s tiny toenails brings you here?fn18
KIT MARLOWE: I’m telling you to get your sweet country arseington back to the theatre. I tricked Greene into showing the Queen your Shrew.
WILL: Really? How? He swore it would offend her.
KIT MARLOWE: Aye, cuz, but I told him it would do worse than that. I pointed out that it could even be a construed as a call for Gloriana herself to be tamed and forced to marry.
WILL: Oh my God! That never even occurred to me. You’ve condemned me.
KIT MARLOWE: Oh, don’t get your puffling pants in such a twist. She loved the play, as I knew she would.
WILL: But how could you be so sure?
KIT MARLOWE: Will, Liz has been on the throne for thirty-three years, daily making laws on everything from what language can be used in prayer books to what colour clothing people of different classes should wear, and in all that time has she done one single thing to improve the lot of women?fn19
WILL: Well, can’t think of anything offhand.
ANNE: Bit disappointing, when you put it like that.
KIT MARLOWE: Far from feeling solidarity with other birds, Gloriana clearly loves being quite literally the only woman in the country that matters. She likes keeping the rest of her sex in her place. I knew she would adore The Taming of the Shrew, and she did.fn20
WILL: She adored it? Really?
KIT MARLOWE: Oh yes, and in fact I confidently expect history to record it was one of her favourite comedies. Can we get this pie to go, Mrs S? Wouldn’t want to miss opening night.
THE RED LION THEATRE – NIGHT
Burbage, Condell and Kempe do present The Taming of the Shrew.
CONDELL: ‘Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper, thy head, thy sovereign. Such duty as the subject owes the prince, even such a woman oweth to her husband.’