by Dani René
He folds his arms across his chest and leans on the door frame while I crawl to the shower. Once inside, I weakly tug at my clothes and find myself bleeding more than I was earlier. The stabbing pain in my stomach feels as if he’s taken a knife, and he’s carving me open. And he may as well be the one to do it because he hasn’t wanted this. Paulo’s made it clear he wasn’t with me to start a happy family. I was nothing more than a distraction.
“Please,” I cry again, but he doesn’t move. My hands are on my stomach, even though it’s not big, not swollen with life, I can feel myself breaking down. I thought I was strong, like I could do this for my father, be with the man before me. But as I sit there on the cold tiles of our shower, I know I’ll never come back from this. I can’t. My lungs struggle to pull in breaths, and as I watch Paulo glare down at me, I finally shatter. It’s been years since I allowed myself to succumb to heartbreak, but this is my final straw.
I can’t go on.
I’m no longer alive.
I’m a shell.
I shut my eyes, my head leaning against the cool tiles, but nothing eases the pure, raw pain that shoots through every part of me.
“I hate you! You bastard!” My voice is hoarse, scraping my throat with every word. “Fuck you! You did this to me!”
He smiles. “But you can never leave, or your precious daddy will die.” Satisfaction is painted across his features.
Rage has me seeing red, and if I could pull myself up, I would go to him and hit him, throw something at him. But he knows I can’t. I’m not capable of it right now. “I wish you would die! You heartless fucking bastard!”
My heart cracks in two.
I did this.
But I didn’t.
It was him.
All fucking him.
When Cassian pushes open the door to the bedroom, the sun is gone, and I’m curled on the bed, my body shaking, and my mind awash with images of me dying here, on this bed.
The moment his gaze lands on me, he’s at my side. “Fuck. I shouldn’t have left you alone.” The guilt in his tone makes me want to cry, but I’m too cold to even voice what’s happening, what I’m feeling. I want to appease him. This isn’t his fault. I did it. All those years, I kept chasing the high, the nothingness that took over when I lost myself in my addiction.
Yes, I welcomed it, but later, I realized I only wanted that high; that numbing sensation was because I thought Cassian didn’t love me as much as I did him. At the time, I was hungry for his words, for his affection, and my empty heart devoured every fucking word without question.
“I’m okay.”
“No, you’re fucking not.” He lifts me in his arms, and the shaking subsides slightly, but my hands are trembling as my body aches for a high. Just one little taste of something. “Fuck, I should never have left you.”
His body cradles me as if I were a fragile doll that’s about to shatter if he were to walk away, and for a moment, I think I might. Tears burn their way from my lashes down my cheeks, and my chest aches. My heart thuds against my ribs, the pain stealing my breath.
“Cass,” I murmur, my hands gripping his shirt in an attempt to stop shaking. I’m not sure if it will work, but just having him close calms my mind.
“You’re strong,” he tells me, honesty dancing in his eyes and emotion cracking in his tone. “You’ll get through this, and when you do, we’re going to run away together and explore the world.” The promise in his words settles my heart, and my stomach turns with anxiety as I picture him having to deal with me like this for the rest of our lives.
“I-I can’t do this,” I mumble, pushing him away, anger surging through me suddenly. My emotions are in turmoil with every moment that passes. This is why I never stopped. Each time I felt the withdrawals hitting me, I would just inhale a few lines to keep my sanity. It was the only way I could ever feel normal, feel steady.
But this isn’t normal.
“What exactly can’t you do?” Cassian questions, his voice low and gravelly, danger igniting every word. He doesn’t move away from me though, he’s still inches from me even though I tried to push him away.
“I’m a mess,” I cry, sobs wracking my body, and his arms only tighten their hold on me as if he’s trying to ground me. “I can’t ask you to do this.”
“You’re not asking me to do shit, little liar,” he confirms with his eyes locked on mine, confidence drenching his words. “You saved my life; I’m saving yours.”
His confession hangs between us, my brows furrow in confusion. “What?” The word is a raspy whisper, but Cassian hears me. He’s always heard me, even when I couldn’t hear myself.
“A long time ago,” he says, but when he doesn’t continue, I reach for his face. The day-old stubble on his jaw makes my fingers tingle, and I trail them over his skin just to feel connected to him. “When we first met at the lake,” he tells me before dropping his gaze to the floor.
“The night we met,” I recall easily. It’s a moment I’ll never forget. No matter what we go through, no matter how much I’ve inhaled, swallowed, or smoked, I’ve never allowed myself to forget the moment my world changed. The moment Cassian sauntered into it.
And when he did, he was my salvation.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Are you going to tell me?” I ask, still trailing my fingers over his angular jaw. The teal eyes I’ve come to find solace in find mine once more; the pain I find in those orbs steals my thoughts and claims my breath. “Cass?”
“I went to the lake to say goodbye. It was my way of letting go of life, happiness, and love. I didn’t want to be like my brothers, or my father. I spent my life in control, and the ice that ran through my veins had taken hold of me. They all seemed so far removed from me at the time; I was alone. At least, I felt alone.”
“But that makes no sense. They’ve always loved you. Your life has been—”
“I lost my mother when I was young. Finn doesn’t really remember her, but I do. I did. With each year that passes, images of her in my mind fade. And at the time, I wanted to go with her, be with her. I’m close to Dad, but he and I aren’t as close as my mother and I were.”
I’ve never heard Cassian sound so heartbroken before. We’ve known each other for so long, and yet, this is the first time he’s ever truly opened his heart to me. The realization of that makes my chest fill with more love than I’ve ever experienced for a man.
I’ve always loved Cassian. I know that for a fact. But right now, seeing him torn, seeing his brokenness changes things. He’s always kept his control, especially around me. But now, he’s letting me in, and the thought of why that is tangles in my thoughts, and when he looks at me again, I can’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes.
“You took it hard,” I say, as I watch the expression on his face turn from melancholy to agony in a second. Just like mine always did when I recalled memories of my grandmother. We were so close. I could tell her anything. And then, suddenly, she was gone.
“I did. I hated everything. The memories. Photos, ornaments, even paintings she bought, everything in the house would remind me she was no longer there. And then, my father said he met someone. Anger had taken hold of me, and I went to the lake.” He falls silent for a short while before his confession steals my breath. “And then you were there,” he says as the corners of his mouth tug slightly, and I want nothing more than for him to smile. But I can’t expect that after what he’s just confessed.
“But what did I do?” My query is a whisper, one that feathers over his lips, those perfectly formed lips that have stolen my soul with a single kiss.
He stares at me for such a long time, I’m not sure he’s going to answer. But then he says, “You saved my life. You gave me a reason to live.”
My heart catapults into my throat, choking me of breath, of life because everything turns blurry, and the need that had been coursing through my veins is gone for that long moment as his confession sinks into my mind.
Cassian
cups my wet cheek, his thumb swiping gently over the tears that have been tracking their salty trail over my face since he walked in. He doesn’t say anything more, but he doesn’t need to.
No one has ever said something like that to me.
I’ve never given someone a reason to do anything but be angry with me, to hurt me. The thought of me saving Cassian’s life does something strange to me. My focus turns solely to him, and I realize my addiction, no matter how strong, wavers when it comes to him.
Cassian lifts me, carrying me in his arms as he makes his way to the sound system and he flicks the switch. We’re surrounded by the gentle sounds of Conor Maynard singing “You Broke Me First,” and I wonder which one of us broke the other.
“I-I couldn’t have known.” I finally find words, but they make no sense. “I mean—”
“I could never tell you. If I did, it would’ve put too much pressure on you,” Cassian admits easily when he realizes I’m still confused at the life-changing confession.
“But that means you lived with the pressure of keeping me safe,” I say then, realizing just how much he suffered. He wanted me, just as much as I wanted him, but he kept a hold of his control.
“I did what I had to.” There’s no anger in his words, no guilt, just an innocent admission. He kept me safe even when he was dying inside. Another sob wracks itself through me at the thought, and soon, I’m twining my arms around his neck, pulling him closer, and I cry into his shoulder. I allow my tears to fall, not only for myself, but for him.
The song changes, and when “Crestfallen” by the Smashing Pumpkins plays, I listen to the words as the tears continue to track paths down my cheeks. The room is filled with pain and sorrow, but it’s also filled with love and affection.
When I lift my head from Cassian’s shoulder, he’s watching me intently. “I don’t want you to feel like you need to shield me,” I tell him. “I’m a big girl. Everything you’re feeling, I need you to tell me. There are no secrets between us.” I tip my chin, locking my gaze on his to ensure he understands I’m being serious.
He may have seen me as a young girl in the past. Someone too immature to handle the truth, but I’m no longer her. I’m all grown-up. Anything he has to hold onto, I can too. And I’m no longer going to be kept in the dark.
“Promise me, Cassian.”
For a long moment, he just looks at me, and then, suddenly, he laughs. The sound is a beautiful melody that fills the room along with the music playing around us.
“You truly haven’t changed,” he says. “At least, your sass hasn’t,” he adds quickly when my mouth falls open to argue.
“Fine.” I can’t deny it. Me challenging him will never change, and that’s something he needs to get used to because I’ll spend my life giving him a run for his money.
“Tomorrow, I need you to stay here,” he says suddenly as he walks us to the bed. Somehow, Cassian manages to scoot onto the mattress, his back leaning against the headboard. He hasn’t let me go, and I have a feeling he won’t, not for a while anyway.
“Why? What’s happened?”
“We’ve found out what’s really going on with Paulo. Turns out he’s working for some cartel boss.” His words are cold, controlled, and I recognize this Cassian from all those years ago. When he was ready to do something bad, he would always offer up the cold shoulder.
“Cartel?!” Shock is evident in my voice, and he nods. “No. You cannot take these people on. They’ll hurt you.”
“I have to.” This time, when he looks at me, I realize it’s not a choice. He’s not choosing to go into the lion’s den; he’s driven to do it because he loves me. He may not have said it, but it’s burning through his gaze into mine. My mouth opens, but I can’t argue. “It’s happening. The plans are in place, and when I get back, I’m taking you away.”
“Cassian—”
He cups my cheeks, both hands holding my face steady. “I’ll always come back for you.” His words settle my nerves somewhat, but still, anxiety tingles through me, reminding me that even though he may promise to return, nothing in life is guaranteed.
I don’t know what to say to him, so I don’t say anything more. Instead, I nestle in his hold and close my eyes. My hands are still trembling. My stomach still whirls, and my mind is still dancing with thoughts. It’s as if I’m about to dive into the rabbit hole if I were to close my eyes.
I want nothing more than to get lost in a high, but I have to fight it. The addiction may be strong, but I have to do this. My future depends on it. Not only with Cassian, but my life. The person I want to be is at war with the person I am.
“He did it on purpose,” Cassian says, but I’m too weak to look at him. “Paulo fed you this shit because he needed you hooked. It’s how their operation works.” I don’t know why Cassian is telling me this, but I allow him to speak. “He wanted to see you become a toy for some sick, rich bastard who would’ve purchased you and used you.”
The venom in his tone is nothing short of violent, and it causes me to shudder. Not from the addiction but from disgust for what Cassian is telling me. For a long while, I suspected Paulo was doing something bad, but never did I think it was anything close to what Cassian just confessed.
“I don’t… I don’t want to know more.” I close my eyes and allow Cassian’s warmth to calm me. “I just need to know you’ll be there, coming home afterward because I can’t do this without you.”
His hand trails over my back, rubbing small circles from the base of my spine to my neck and back again. Round and round until I’m close to falling asleep. My lashes feel heavy. I can’t open my eyes anymore.
Cassian’s lips find my forehead, and I feel the warmth of his kiss. It’s a gentle, affectionate action, and I can’t stop the smile that curls on my lips.
“I’ll always be here for you.”
His promise sends me to sleep.
30
Cassian
It’s time.
Even with the briefing I gave to Finn and Damien, along with Harris, I’m anxious. I’ve never been so scared of someone hurting Kalyn as I am right now. Paulo is here, beaten and bruised, but I don’t give a shit. He’ll be leaving with Manny soon.
The meeting I called was merely to negotiate Kalyn’s release from Paulo’s clutches. The ring she wore was nothing more than a ruse, so it won’t take long to sort this out. But then again, a man like Manny Lopez isn’t someone to be fucked with.
I know when I’m in too deep, and this time, the tide is washing over me. I’m about to go under; the only thing keeping my head above water is the thought of keeping Kalyn safe.
“He’s here.” Those two words send my mind reeling with all the possibilities. I glance at Paulo, who’s glaring at me. The hatred in his eyes is enough to confirm he’ll never let this go. If he walks out of here today—alive and well—he’ll come back to seek revenge.
My gaze trails to Harris, and I offer a small nod. A sign that confirms what I want done. If Paulo does walk out of here, he won’t walk very far. The man I’ve known all my life doesn’t move, but his eyes confirm he knows what I want. The expressive nature of someone’s gaze is like a window; it shows you their true nature—what they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, and most of all, what they’re about to do.
And as the patio doors slide open and three men darken the threshold, I pull in a deep breath, filling my lungs with air before I exhale, praying that it can calm me and keep me relaxed through this.
“Mr. Lopez,” I say as I take in the older man. His dark hair has a smattering of silver, offering up a salt and pepper style. His face is creased with wrinkles, confirming his age. The dark eyes that hold far too much violence land on me.
He’s dressed in a black suit, gray button-up, and matching tie. He doesn’t greet me; he merely offers a nod. There’s nothing about this man that confirms he won’t kill at any moment. Even the men who appeared with him don’t set me at ease.
I didn’t expect it. But I thought he
would be less… intimidating. He isn’t. This is the first time I’ve come face-to-face with someone who runs a criminal organization. It’s alarming.
All those movies you see as a kid, thinking that’s how men in the mafia or cartels look, are exactly right. Old. Ugly. Fucking scary. I don’t doubt Manny Lopez could take us all out with a look.
But when he glances around the room, I stare, taking in every motion, every flinch and blink, and I realize he’s out of his depth. He’s threatened because when he sees Paulo, he realizes we’re not a couple of kids wanting a girl.
We mean fucking business.
And that’s when I find my confidence rearing up, straightening my spine and tipping my head. I don’t cower to the bastard at my door; I show him I’m a worthy fucking adversary, one who can easily take him down. One who isn’t afraid to annihilate him.
The man in question steps forward, his two goons flanking him, but he doesn’t scare me. Men like him live to intimidate, but I don’t give a shit. This is my home, my territory. He takes me in, from head to toe, before a smirk curls his lips.
“So, this is the thorn in my side,” he remarks, looking at me and chuckling. I don’t move. Keeping my expression schooled, I arch a brow at him, but nothing more. “Paulo tells me you have an interest in one of his projects.” His words rankle me, but still, I don’t move, I don’t respond.
“He has taken her,” Paulo says, stepping forward, his gaze locked on the boss man. “I was getting some headway in when we returned to Thorne Haven, where she grew up, and then this bastard decided he’s going to come between us.”
“Oh, Paulo,” Manny says, the smile still on his face. “Don’t worry. A whore is just a whore.” He’s goading me. If I play into his plan, I’ll fuck this up. Damien is on edge, watching, waiting. Finn stares at me; I can feel his gaze burning a hole through me.
“Mr. Lopez,” I finally say as I unbutton my suit jacket, “I think we should sit, talk this through. As I explained to your man over there,” I point at Paulo, “I’m not allowing her to leave this house, not with him anyway. If you wanted a girl, you should’ve chosen one that was more suited to your… lifestyle.” I use the word loosely. Even though I’m ready to end this fucker, I have to bide my time.