I left her to find love and here she is, finding it, and I’m jealous as hell because it isn’t me. The love I’ve had for her, the love that I kept from her, to shield her from what would surely be a painful mistake, none of it matters anymore. Except the fact that me as her lover, the evil that runs through my veins, could never make her truly happy.
I would no doubt make her miserable, but that doesn’t take away the ache inside of me, and the love I feel for her. The jealous rage at seeing another man touch what is mine.
“You’re keeping your cool,” the voice next to me mutters.
I turn to face him, surprised that someone slipped into my car without me noticing. I’m too fucking distracted, and it’s going to get me killed. Fucking Radimir.
“What do you want?” I bark.
“I should be asking you, since you’ve been banned from California, and yet, here you are,” he shrugs.
“That ban is bullshit and you know it,” I growl.
“Might be, but it hasn’t been lifted, and Kirill is in charge,” he says.
“I had to see it in person,” I say, turning away from him and watching as the piece of shit helps Ashley into his car.
“Do you like what you see?” he asks.
“You know I don’t,” I retort.
“Are you going to change that? If you are, I would suggest you do so soon. She’s losing faith that you’ll return,” he shrugs.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” he asks arching a brow. I turn to face him completely and I repeat my words. “You either love her or you don’t. It’s pretty fucking simple, Chekov,” he growls.
“I love her, I love her more than I love myself, which is why I left her.”
“Don’t be a goddamn martyr. We don’t have time in this life for that. Be a man. Take your woman and give her the life she deserves for as long as you’re alive,” he states.
“I can’t give her what she deserves because she deserves everything she desires. I can’t give her what she desires,” I say.
“Children?” he asks, knowing too fucking much for his own good.
I don’t answer him. I decide to wait. I know that he’s going to continue with some kind of bullshit.
“Don’t be a pussy.”
With that, he gets out of my car and slams the door before walking away. I watch him go and think, not for the first time, that Radimir can be a fucking asshole. My own brother-in-law can be a downright fucking dick.
I abandon my spying for the night, knowing that if I follow Ashley and that asshole home, I’ll make my presence known and fuck this up even more. I decide to go back to my hotel and get some sleep.
Sleep—I laugh at the thought.
I haven’t slept in over six months.
I miss the soft, warm woman who slept next to me. I miss her long, blonde hair and how it would be everywhere.
I just miss—her.
I leave, unable to watch anymore of his touching her, and I go back to the hotel I’ve booked for the night. My hotel room is cold and lonely when I walk inside. My life is cold and lonely without Ashley. She brought sunshine and warmth to my life that I didn’t realize I had at the time.
I was so busy working on deals, building my empire and tearing down my father’s, I took her and what she offered me for granted. I didn’t care for her the way that I should have.
When Sergei told me I was a shitty dominant and master, he wasn’t wrong. I didn’t submit myself to her. I didn’t tell her anything about myself or open up at all whatsoever. I expected her pure trust and adoration, but I didn’t give any of that in return.
I am a fucking pussy.
I take a cigar out of my bag and grab a bottle of vodka before I walk outside on the balcony. I close my eyes and I think. I take a swig of the liquor, foregoing the shot glass, needing to get drunk, not to savor the drink. My phone rings in my pocket and I already know who it is without even looking at the caller ID.
“Em,” I mutter.
“You’re going to get her back, right?” my sister asks without even a greeting.
“I don’t know. She looked… happy,” I say, sounding as disgusted as I feel about the whole situation.
“She’s putting up a front. Trust me. She’s not happy, and she hasn’t been since you left her. Well, before you left her, but that’s a whole other story,” she murmurs.
“Yeah,” I sigh, dragging my hand down my face.
My sister and I were close as children. Then when I started discovering what kind of monster my father was, I pushed her away from me. I joined the Bratva and made it my mission to overthrow my father and protect her. Before I left Ashley, we had become closer again, but never as close as we once were.
“Yakov, you can’t let our father’s decisions rule your life,” she says.
“You don’t understand,” I whisper.
“And I never will. But you are not him,” she says.
“We share the same blood,” I announce.
“You and I share the same blood as well, Yakov.”
“I have to go,” I mutter, trying to get off of the phone. I don’t want to have this conversation with my sister. My fairly sheltered, beautiful, little sister.
“If you love her, then you have to show her. You’re capable of love, Yakov, and you’re capable of being the man she needs.”
Emiliya doesn’t say another word before she ends the call. I stare out into the city lights of Los Angeles.
Capable of love. Capable of being the man she needs.
I don’t know if I believe Emiliya.
I want to believe her, but all I can think about is the fact that I am the son of Ivan Chekov and that his evil is inside of me. That evil can leak out at any time, and I would rather die than have it touch Ashley or any children we would have together.
Why did she have to want so fucking much from me?
ZIVEN DOESN’T SAY a word as we drive toward work Thursday morning. He doesn’t need to; his grin says it all. It’s slight, but it’s there, and he keeps shifting his focus onto me. I sigh and roll my eyes before I indulge him.
“Say what you’re going to say, please,” I murmur.
“You look very tired, Ashley,” he smirks. “Did you have a late night?”
“You know that I did,” I grumble.
“You like him,” he points out.
I sigh, unsure of how to answer him.
“I like Mika very much,” I finally admit.
Though, I’m not sure how much I like him romantically. I enjoy talking to him, and I do feel when he kisses me, but it doesn’t feel the way it did when Yakov kissed me.
Maybe there’s something wrong with me?
Maybe it’s the fear I’m attracted to?
I was always scared of Yakov—not that he would hurt me, really, but that I would be punished for something he didn’t approve of, or that he would become angry. Yakov raged, not often, but when he did, it was like he was a completely different person. He never hurt me during a rage, but he was frightening.
“But not enough,” he mumbles.
“I don’t know,” I admit.
“If you don’t know, then it isn’t enough,” he points out.
“Is that how you feel about your girl?” I ask hesitantly.
“Deflection, cute,” he grunts, ignoring me completely.
Ziven pulls the car into its parking stall and I’m thankful and grateful to be finished with the conversation. I don’t want to try and analyze my situation with him. He’s a friend, but he’s still a man, and I honestly doubt he wants to talk about my relationship status or my feelings in detail.
Together, we walk to the elevators and I smile, Ziven smiles back, at me when we reach his floor and he exits. The smile stays on my lips until I arrive on my own floor. I walk into my area and stop dead in my tracks.
Sitting across from my desk are Haleigh, Emiliya. Tatyana is leaning against the desk and her eyes are aimed right at me. Haleigh and Emiliya tur
n to look at me, two blondes and the sable haired Emiliya, three sets of eyes focused on—me.
“Is something wrong?” I ask as a frown tugs on my lips.
“No, but we’re kidnapping you for the day,” Tayana says with a grin. “Oh, shit. I shouldn’t have said that,” she gasps.
“It’s fine,” I smile, trying to show that it doesn’t upset me. It doesn’t. It’s an expression, and I’m not that sensitive. “But I don’t think my boss would readily hand me over.”
“He does. Get the hell out of here,” Kirill grunts from his office.
“Really?” I call out.
“Go,” he orders in a tone that is definitely not to be defied.
“Love that man,” Tatyana whispers. I watch her stand and walk into his office.
“We’re going to the spa—you’re never able to come—then we’re doing lunch, then shopping, and during all of this, we’re going to talk,” Haleigh informs me.
“You guys always go to the spa,” I point out.
“But you never do. My treat,” Emiliya grins.
There is something working behind her eyes. Those eyes are the exact replicas of her brother’s. I know when that man is up to something, so I know that she, too, is up to something right now. I narrow my eyes on her for a second, but her smile just widens and then she stands.
“Shall we?” Haleigh asks as Tatyana enters the room with Kirill at her side.
“I believe we shall,” Tatyana announces.
Emiliya wraps her hand in mine and tugs me with them. My heart starts beating a million miles an hour with anxiety. Fear of the unknown—I’ll probably always have it.
“Seriously, we’re just going to have a relaxing day,” Haleigh says, trying to ease my mind.
“We’re going to talk a little, too,” Emiliya chimes in.
The talking part, that’s the part I’m feeling anxious about. Mainly because I know that I will be the topic of conversation, me and my love life.
“How are you feeling?” I ask Tatyana a few seconds later.
“Better today, so far,” she says, giving me a shaky smile.
Together we walk out to a waiting SUV. There, Haleigh’s Byki is waiting for us, and I slide my eyes to the car waiting behind the SUV. There are two more men idling behind—Emiliya and Tatyana’s Byki.
“Ready?” Emiliya grins.
I nod, excited yet cautiously nervous about what they have planned. There is obviously something up their sleeves.
I watch the SUV take off down the street, filled with some of the most precious cargo that is part of the organization. The women; women who are loved furiously by their husbands. I step out of the car once the SUV is out of sight and smooth the creases in my suit before I walk toward the office building’s entrance.
There’s a little receptionist who is staring at me, trying to figure out who I am, but I ignore her. I’ve been to this building before and I know exactly where I’m going. She calls out to gain my attention, but I continue to ignore her as I step into the elevator car.
Luckily, the elevator goes directly to the penthouse office without stopping. I smooth my tie and walk into the open office area. My eyes immediately land on the front desk, and I know that it is hers. This is where my Ashley spends her days.
My fingers slide along the black desktop. There is nothing personal on her desk, nothing at all that shows the type of person she is. Though, I don’t know what she would put on there. I couldn’t even guess.
I’m a shitty fucking master. Sergei was right. I don’t even know her, not really. I’ve been selfish, completely and totally fucking selfish.
“I wondered when I’d see you. Though I thought it would have been about a week ago,” a voice says, breaking me from my thoughts.
“I’m banned. I risked much to come here,” I grunt as I turn to him.
“You’re a fucking asshole. C’mon into my office,” he murmurs.
I ignore his name calling and I follow him into his office. I’m not surprised to see Maxim, Radimir, and Ziven all sitting and watching me walk in. I lift my chin at each of them in a greeting before I take my seat in the middle, in front of Kirill’s desk.
“You’ve come here, so speak,” Kirill orders.
“I have. I’ve come here for her, for Ashley,” I announce.
“Why now?” Ziven asks.
I should be surprised at the anger radiating off of him, but I have found out that he’s been driving Ashley to and from the office every day. He probably knows her better than anybody in this room, so he knows just how special she is.
“To take her home,” I say.
“She is home,” Radimir chimes in.
“Her home is wherever I am.”
“Bullshit,” Maxim grunts.
“You’ll have to give us more than that fucking bullshit for us to buy what you’re selling, Yakov,” Kirill says.
This group of men, this hard ass fucking group of men, have taken Ashley on as one of their own. She’s completely won them over and they’re defending her. I hate and love it all at the same time.
I hate it because I’m going to have to tell them what I’m feeling and I don’t even want to admit that to myself. And I love it because my Ashley deserves to have all of the love and support in the world.
“I’ve messed up with her. I’ve been selfish and keeping her at arm’s distance. I haven’t paid attention to what she needs because I only wanted to give her what I felt like giving her. When she started demanding more from me, I cut her loose. I thought I was doing it to save her from me, but I did it to save me from myself.
“Ivan Chekov is part of me, and I’m part of him. That won’t change. I never want to treat Ashley the way he treated any woman he had contact with. I didn’t want to give her the baby she desired because I didn’t want to give a life that could be evil, that is tainted with Ivan’s blood. I haven’t been able to protect her the way that I should have, so I don’t deserve her. I know I don’t deserve her. I never have and I certainly never will,” I ramble.
These men, these hard men—if anybody can understand where I’m coming from, then it’s them.
“You deserve her based on those statements alone,” another voice scoffs sarcastically.
I stand up and turn around to see Mika standing at the doorway to the office. His hands are crossed over his chest and he’s glaring at me. His facial features not matching his words.
“We’re not having any dramatics here today,” Kirill growls.
“No dramatics. If what he says is true, then he deserves Ashley. But I don’t believe he means them. I believe he’s saying what we all want to hear.”
“Mika,” Ziven hisses.
I’m so far above Mika in the chain of command that I could kill him right here and right now and nobody would bat an eyelash. He’s spoken out of turn and disrespectfully to me. I’m a Pakhan and he’s some bullshit Boyevik. I narrow my eyes on him and then I speak, choosing to keep my gun firmly in its holster.
“Nobody in this room has to believe a fucking word I say. The only person I have to convince anything of is Ashley. So I really don’t give a flying fuck what you think,” I say.
“Good luck with that. I’ve had her in my arms, underneath me, and my mouth on her. She doesn’t know which way is up anymore. She knows what it’s like to be taken out, to be on her man’s arm in public and not locked away like he’s ashamed of her. She has choices now, and what the fuck happens when you aren’t it?”
The cunt doesn’t even let me respond before he turns and walks away from me like the smug asshole he is. I turn to Kirill who is eyeing me, waiting for me to lash out. If I were a different man, I would. Hell, if I were my father, I would. But I’m not. I may have his blood running through my veins, but I am not the quick tempered man he was.
Mika is not my competition, because there is no competition.
I will always be Ashley’s choice, because she is mine.
I take a sip of the fruity liquor before I take
a bite of my delicious salmon salad. Something I love about California and the restaurants that Haleigh, Emiliya, and Tatyana always take me to is the delicious fresh foods. After spending over a year eating very little, and most of it stale breads, I have a genuine appreciation for fresh fruits and vegetables.
“I need to talk to you,” Emiliya mutters.
We’ve been massaged, we’ve had facials, manicures and pedicures, then after lunch we’re going to go shopping. It’s been a completely stress-free, relaxing day, and I’ve been enjoying it immensely. But if I’m reading the serious and nervous look on Emiliya’s face correctly, that stress-free relaxation is about to end.
“Go ahead,” I whisper before I take another sip of my cocktail.
“Yakov is back,” she mutters.
“Back?” I wheeze finding it hard to breathe.
“Back,” she confirms with a nod.
“Why now?” I ask.
“Are you sure you want to know?” she arches a brow as her gaze settles on me and she leans back in her chair.
“Well, I want to know,” Haleigh informs us.
“Me, too. And I want to see him. And I want to punch him in the nuts,” Tatyana announces.
We all look at her and then we all, collectively, burst out laughing. There is no doubt that Tatyana can handle herself and that she’s strong as hell, but I don’t see her trying to go head-to-head with Yakov. He’s not someone you mess with. He can be extremely intimidating and frightening.
“I don’t know the details completely, because Rad is a pain and he doesn’t ever tell me anything, but I do know that he’s seen you with Mika. So if I had to guess, someone sent him photos of the two of you on a date and he’s here because…” she trails off.
“Because I’m his,” I whisper.
“But you aren’t his. Not really. He made that decision for you,” Haleigh gently reminds me.
“I know that he left me. I know that I haven’t seen or heard from him in months. But I also know that I’m his. He’s the only one,” I mutter before taking another sip of my drink. Suddenly, it doesn’t taste as good as it did earlier. The sun is also not as bright as it was just moments ago.
Living for the Badman (Russian Bratva Book 4) Page 8