“That sounds awful,” I say.
“Truth hurts, mishka,” he shrugs.
“What is it that you want?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.
“You,” he says.
“No, I imagine you want something else as well. You were all, stand-up for yourself, Ashley, you deserve the best, and now you’re switching tactics,” I say.
“What would I want? You don’t have money and your family isn’t in the organization,” he chuckles.
“Yes, that is all true, but I work for Kirill. I’m friends with his top advisors’ wives, and I’m friends with your direct boss. Or are you angry because I’m not as weak as you thought me to be?” I point out.
He throws his head back and bursts out laughing. When he lowers it and his eyes meet mine, I can see the hurt radiating in them. I’ve hurt him. I didn’t want to, I never intended to, but I’ve done it.
“I saw you, dirty and disgusting in South Africa, bruised, battered and broken. I thought you were the strongest woman I had ever seen, and the most beautiful. I saw you go to a man who I was sure probably didn’t deserve you, and I know now that he didn’t and never will. Later, I watched you pick up the pieces of yourself that he left behind and you created this even more beautiful, even stronger version of yourself.
“I thought to myself, that’s a woman I want as my own. That is a woman I want to bear my name and my children. Strong and beautiful, no matter what life throws her way. My desire for you has absolutely nothing to do with power or greed, and everything to do with the most amazing woman I have ever laid eyes on.
“Go back to him. Become his slave, become that weak, pathetic girl he left in an apartment and never even looked back to. When it happens again, don’t expect me to be waiting for you, or for me to want you again.”
I watch with tears streaming down my face as Mika stands and walks away from me. I can’t believe the things he said to me. He claimed that he saw something inside of me, something good, in a time where I felt filthy inside and out. He saw my strength when I didn’t think I had any.
Yet, he threw my strength in my face when I showed it to him. Mika’s another man that wanted to control me. He decided he had power over me, and when I did stand up for myself, when I told him something he didn’t want to hear, he became angry. I can’t deny that the time’s I had with him were lovely, and he was kinder than any other man has been to me in the past.
I want to run after him, but my heart won’t let me. My heart only longs for Yakov. Maybe I’m making the biggest mistake of my life—I don’t know.
I do know that if I don’t hear Yakov out completely, if I don’t find out what he really wants—not what I want to hear but what he really wants out of life—I will always wonder.
I don’t think I could live my entire life playing the what-if game. I don’t think I could spend my entire life wondering. I have loved Yakov for far too long to just tell him no now, not when he’s telling me everything I want to hear. I have to find out if he means all of the things he’s offering me.
I decide to box my lunch up and take it back to my desk. I don’t have the appetite for it now, but I want to have it with me in case I do later. I take the elevator up to the Penthouse, and when I step out of the car and turn to walk toward my desk, I freeze at the sight before me.
Yakov is sitting in my chair. His eye’s look hard as granite and his jaw the same. His fingers are steepled, and he’s resting his chin on them, his eyes focused in my direction.
“Yakov,” I murmur, still frozen in my tracks.
“Did you enjoy your lunch?” he asks.
“Not really,” I admit truthfully.
“Did you enjoy the company you shared lunch with?” he asks, arching a brow.
My breath hitches and I start to shake. I lick my bottom lip before I speak, and his eyes darken even more. He looks like he wants to devour me and punish me all at the same time, and my body tingles at simply the thought of it.
“Mika wanted to talk,” I whisper shakily.
“I didn’t realize talking meant he walked next to you with his hand on your body.”
“It wasn’t anything,” I lamely reply.
“I know it wasn’t. I saw everything,” he murmurs. “Then I cornered him.”
“You cornered him?” I ask in surprise.
“I did. Now I’m asking you about it,” he shrugs dropping his hands to his legs.
“He wanted to know what our status was, you and me,” I say.
“Yes, I gathered that was his agenda. Come here and sit,” he says dipping his chin toward his lap.
I don’t even think as my feet shuffle me toward him, and I gently sit down on his thigh. It isn’t what he wants, and I gasp when his arm sweeps down and picks my legs up, resting them over his other thigh before he wraps one hand around my waist and the other on my hip.
“What did you tell him?” he asks, gentling his voice.
It’s deep and rumbling and I love it. Then the hand around my waist slides up my back and gently wraps around the back of my neck.
Words can’t describe the anger and rage I felt when I watched that piece of shit walk down the sidewalk with his hand on my woman—mine. I watched them from across the street, like a complete stalker, but fuck me if I even cared. I hadn’t planned on even being there, but I wanted to take Ashley to lunch, so I was pulling up as they were walking out.
I’ve never had to worry about Ashley with another man. She didn’t even leave our apartment unattended. The only time I worried over her was when she was taken from me. Those months were the most wretched months of my life. The darkest, too; darker than any day I had growing up. But it’s different now, she’s different now. I didn’t know what to expect. Did she still want him? I didn’t know. So, I followed them.
I watched them and it was painfully obvious that Mika wasn’t getting the answers he desired from her. I felt a bit victorious over this. I’ve never had to win a woman’s heart before. I’ve never had to even try. I only know how to take their bodies. Ashley was the one and only woman who ever freely gave her heart to me, and I fucked it up.
When Mika stormed out of the restaurant, I followed him instead of staying with her. I walked behind him until he reached his car, and before he got inside, he whirled around, pointing a pistol at me. I was impressed that he not only waited until we were secluded, but that he even clocked me. Never had I been caught following a man. Mika wasn’t dumb, and I appreciated that.
“You’ve manipulated her into her decision. Are you proud of yourself?” he asks me.
Am I proud? I am a victor, yes, but it doesn’t make me feel as it should. In order to win her back, I lost her to begin with, and all of that was my own doing. So, proud? No.
“I didn’t manipulate her,” I mutter as I watch him slide his gun back in his holster.
“You did. She thinks you have some kind of future together,” he growls.
“We do have a future together. Why would I lie about that?” I ask, arching a brow.
“You’re doing all of this because you don’t want another man playing with your toy,” he huffs.
I don’t react the way he wants me to. He’s baiting me, and he’s not all wrong, either. I don’t want another man touching my woman, but Ashley isn’t a toy. What we have isn’t something I can throw away—I already tried that.
“You don’t know why I do anything that I do, and it fucking blows to be you, because you’ll never know. Stay away from Ashley,” I grunt before I begin to stride away from him.
“You hurt her, Pakhan or not, I’ll fucking torture you,” he grinds out.
“I expect nothing less,” I announce as I walk inside of the office building to wait for Ashley.
Now, she’s sitting in my lap expectantly, waiting to hear exactly what Mika and I talked about. I won’t tell her. Not really. I sigh before I give her the abridged version.
“Don’t worry about him, he’ll survive,” I murmur as I massage the back of her n
eck.
“I hurt him. He’s been so kind to me, and I hurt him,” she whispers. I see the sadness etched on her face and it kills me.
“He’s hurt, yes, but if you didn’t choose me, I wouldn’t be hurt—I’d be destroyed,” I whisper.
“You weren’t destroyed when you left me,” she announces.
Her eyes widen and she covers her mouth as though she’s shocked she’s spoken to me in such a manner. I’m not. This Ashley is more vocal than the one I left, angrier, and I fucking love it.
“I was completely destroyed from the moment I walked out of the door until the moment I walked back inside. I won’t lie to you. I never have and I won’t start now. Nothing could sooth the gaping hole that walking out that door caused.”
“Nothing or no one?” she asks, sitting up a little straighter.
“We don’t need to talk about this, not now, and not ever. All that matters is that I’m here now, and we’re together,” I inform her.
I watch as she narrows her eyes and it makes my cock stand at attention. The defiance she’s sending my way is such a goddamn turn on. My hands flex, one on her neck and the other still planted on the side of her hip.
“I think I have a right to know who you have been trying to fill your gaping hole with,” she says.
I try hard, but I fail not to laugh. I chuckle, and her cheeks tint pink with what I can only guess is anger, because she raises her hands and flattens them on my chest.
“I’m not being funny,” she says seriously. Her eyes are alight with anger, and I groan. All I want to do is bury myself in her tight cunt. She looks down and then back up at me as she demands, “Stop that.”
“I can’t stop my cock from wanting you, especially when you’re like this. Had I known you would have this effect on me, I would have pissed you off as much as possible earlier in our relationship,” I announce.
“You’re avoiding answering me,” she growls.
“I am. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’m here with you now, and I only want you from now until the end of my life,” I say.
“What?” she breathes.
“I won’t repeat myself,” I grunt.
“The end of your life?” she asks.
“Until I cease breathing. I love you, Ashley,” I murmur before I press my lips to hers.
I don’t give her a chance to verbally respond. No words need to be said here in her office, not when I can’t fuck her the way I want to. So I kiss her. I slide my tongue between her lips and I fuck her mouth the way I want to fuck her cunt.
I know that she’s mine wholly again when her hands slide up and around my neck, and she presses her tits against my chest. I swallow her moan as she rubs her hard nipples against me. I can feel them through my shirt, so I know that her bra must be another delicate sheer one. This woman is too much.
“Glad to see you fixed your shit,” Kirill announces.
Ashley pulls away from me and practically falls onto the ground as she scrambles off of my lap. I hold her waist to keep her steady with a grin tipping my lips. Kirill shakes his head with a matching grin. Ashley is flustered and starts to wring her fingers together.
I stand next to her and wrap my hand around her waist, giving her a gentle squeeze. She tips her head to the side and back to look at me. I wink at her, enjoying the way she narrows her eyes in defiance. I can’t wait to bring more of that out of her—hopefully tonight.
“Come to my office before you go, I need to talk to you,” Kirill says, looking directly at me.
“Yeah,” I agree.
He walks into his office and closes the door.
“I’m so embarrassed,” Ashley murmurs as she sits in her chair.
“Don’t be,” I say, resting my ass on the side of her desk. “Kirill doesn’t give a shit that you were kissing me. He only wants you to be happy.”
“Still…” she trails off and I lift my hand to cup her cheek, turning her to face me.
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Now finish up your duties, and I’ll be here at six to get you,” I murmur before I dip my head and take her lips in a closed-mouth, gentle kiss. I want to deepen it, but she’s already embarrassed, so I don’t.
“Okay,” she breathes against my lips.
I smile and back away, winking at her before I turn and walk into Kirill’s office.
I close the door and step toward the chair that faces him, then I sit and look at him, waiting to hear him out. He sighs as he runs his hand over his face before he speaks.
“The Cartel is causing problems,” he murmurs.
It is the last thing I want to hear. I’ve already had Ashley taken from me once, she wouldn’t survive being abused a third time, nobody could. I don’t know what I would do if it happened again.
“Talk to me,” I demand.
“The motorcycle club has heard murmurings. They’re working for us, but they’ve got an ear to the ground, too. We massacred a whole territory of Cartel members, it wasn’t going to go unnoticed,” he grunts.
“Biding their time,” I grunt.
“Exactly. I have a feeling they’re going to strike, and it isn’t going to be the club they strike. It’s going to be us,” Kirill says.
“Could be, but we don’t know when or where,” I point out.
“No, but I’m telling you because I need you to be vigilant.” He tips his head toward the door and I know he means Ashley.
“She’s living in a protected building, and I’ll be with her every night,” I say.
“Will you?” he asks, quirking a brow at me.
“Not that it is of your concern, but yes, I will. Ashley is mine, and she’ll continue to be mine,” I grind out.
“Will you be taking her back to New York, then?”
“Eventually,” I nod.
“Now I have to find a new assistant. I didn’t think this through. I should have killed you as soon as you crossed the California border. She’s the best assistant I’ve ever had,” he grumbles.
“I could stay here, but then I’d have to overthrow you,” I shrug, “you choose.”
“Fuck you, Chekov,” he chuckles.
“We’re good, you and me?” I ask.
“Yeah. Just make her happy. She’s like a sister to me,” he mutters.
I tell him to send me any information on the Cartel members that could pose a threat. I’m going to send their information to the police officer I have on my payroll in New York, to my Byki that will be watching Ashley when we return to the city, and to the rest of my close men.
I already know that no alarm system will keep these men out of my home. If they want something bad enough, they will find a way to get it. I aim to keep it really fucking difficult to get within a hundred yards of me or my Ashley.
I SPEND THE REST of the afternoon working, catching up on things that I’ve been neglecting because I hate them. Like filing. I jump when I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn around to see Kirill standing beside me.
“I called your name,” he chuckles.
“I was in the zone,” I shrug.
“Is Ziven picking you up tonight?” he asks as his eyes dance.
“No, Yakov is,” I mutter.
“Good. Tatyana is feeling better. I’m going to throw a dinner together Friday night. I expect you won’t be staying here much longer, so I would like for you and Yakov to join us. Radimir, Emiliya, Maxim, and Haleigh will be there as well. A family dinner,” he says with a grin.
“What do you mean, you expect I won’t be staying much longer?” I ask as my heart starts to race.
“Just that Yakov will take you back to New York with him. It’s where he lives. Did you not think of this?” he asks, pinching his brows together.
I hadn’t thought of it, not a single bit. The only thing I have been thinking of is Yakov, Mika, and me—how I was feeling and if I was making the right choice.
I’ve been thinking about Yakov and if he’s been truthful with me about the future. I still don’t kno
w, so I have to try and talk to him some more about that. But, no, I hadn’t been thinking about the fact that Yakov lives in New York and what that would mean.
I also hadn’t been thinking about the apartment in New York and how I would feel about going back there. I don’t want to. Not that I don’t like the city, because I do. I love it, actually.
The apartment, though—I was taken from it once. Then there’s Yakov’s room there. His playroom. I’m not certain I want to be back there. I’m not certain if that’s the life I want forever, anymore; not now that I’ve seen other aspects of a relationship.
Though I enjoy his control over me in bed, I really loved this morning when he relinquished some of his control to me.
I don’t know if I want to be a slave anymore. There are some aspects I like—the rough sex, the canes and floggings, I enjoy those; but the complete servitude and power he had over me? I don’t think that’s me anymore.
I’m not the same person I was six months ago, and I don’t want to be her for another minute. I’ve been somewhat on my own and making decisions for myself, even if they are quite small ones. I don’t want that power stripped from me again.
“You need to discuss the future with him, Ashley,” Kirill mutters.
I look over at him and smile sadly. I have a feeling the discussion of our future will, indeed, end the future before it begins.
I think, right now, he’s obliging me. He keeps saying my defiance is sexy and turns him on, but I have no doubt that he’ll not appreciate it once the dust settles and we’re in a normal routine.
“I do,” I admit with a nod.
“Friday night, though, join us,” he grins before he turns around and leaves me to my work.
I finish filing and then go back to my desk, trying not to think about the discussion I have to have with Yakov. My heart already aches. He says he’ll give me what I want, but I’m not naïve enough to think that he understands the true complexity of what I want.
I want what my friends have.
I want a partnership.
Living for the Badman (Russian Bratva Book 4) Page 11