by Virna DePaul
Because even as my blood boiled and my teeth grinded against one another and my nails dug into my clenched fists my heart still yearned, my heart still ached, my heart still called only one name.
On the second to the last day of Ryan’s month-long observation period, we were doing a simulation on a complicated new surgical procedure. I was watching as Ryan commenced to make an incision.
"Ryan," I said, “It’s too risky to make that incision till the patient's heart rate has stabilized. You'll send him into cardiac arrest being reckless like that."
Ryan continued with his scalpel. "I disagree."
The assisting nurse glanced nervously between the two of us as she hesitated with the tray that Ryan grabbed another tool from. I could feel the frustration building in my chest.
"It is not your job to disagree," I said, trying to sound firm and authoritative. "It is your job to follow my orders."
"You play it too safe."
I glanced at the monitor and watched as the heart rate of the simulation dummy spiked as I predicted.
"Safe means that the patient lives, Dr. Castle," I said as the monitor started to beep loudly in the otherwise dead silent room. "Dr. Castle."
"Can you really be alive if all you care about is being safe?"
Ryan looked up at me from over his glasses. I knew then this had nothing to do with the surgery, nothing to do with differing opinions regarding proper procedure, nothing to do with scalpels and heart rate monitors and orders from a superior. This had to do with us.
"Dr. Castle, you need to hand Nurse Sanchez the scalpel immediately."
He shook his head. "I'm already in it," he said. "I can't just up and leave."
He meant it to sting and sting it did. The spikes on the monitor grew taller and taller and the machine blared louder and louder.
"Dr. Castle, I am ordering you to stop."
"Can't do."
"Dr. Castle."
The machine screamed and then the patient's heart rate flatlined, a straight, unmoving red line across the screen.
"You're killing him!" I shouted, snatching the scalpel from him in anger.
Ryan stared at me across the operating table as we both stood frozen as the loud, long beep continued. He roughly pulled his gloves from his hands and unhooked his mask, throwing them both across the open cavity of the dummy.
He left the room and I watched him, frozen. How dare he? How fucking dare he?
He was out of line. So fucking far out of line that it wasn't even a blip on the horizon. He wanted to push my buttons and he'd succeeded in every way possible. He'd made me angrier than I could remember feeling in a long time. He was reckless and impulsive and he made a fool out of me.
"Turn off that goddamn monitor, Sanchez."
I tore off my scrubs and followed after Ryan, feet pounding against the floor.
"Dr. Castle," I shouted at him down the hall. "My office."
"I've got a report to write."
"Now."
He turned and I pointed to my office door. I walked past him and slammed open my door.
"Now!"
I was surprised when he tucked his hands into the pockets of his lab coat and sauntered casually into my office. The door frame shook as I closed the door in my fury.
"What the fuck was that?" I said, so mad my voice was shaking.
Ryan crossed his arms and stared at me.
"I am your superior," I said, ignoring what truly was at the heart of the issue. "And you will not disobey me like that again."
My chest was heaving and my cheeks were burning.
"Is that what you are, Lauren, my superior?" Ryan asked.
"Yes. I am your goddamn superior."
He stepped closer to me with those dark eyes burning into mine. My breath caught.
"You're my superior," he said.
His voice was low and guttural. He was close to me now. Just a step away, maybe two. I could see the specks of emerald green in his eyes flashing. I could see the hairs on his arms stand as if drawn up by a magnet, as if I were that magnet. I could smell him.
It brought me back to the wall of his apartment. His hands pinning my wrists above my head. His fingers digging into the flesh of my thigh. His hot breath on my neck.
"I'm under your control," he whispered.
I wasn't in my office. It wasn't carpet under my feet. Fluorescent bulbs weren't flickering above me. It was stars and moonlight. It was cool depths and warm breezes and eyelashes glittering with tiny beads of water. It was his hand on my neck and our naked bodies in motion together and sand against my back as he fucked me on the shore.
"I'm weak."
We were the closest we could be without touching. It was the most painful sliver, the most agonizing hair's breadth, the most frustrating millimeter. It was close enough to remember his skin, the heat, the sweat, the strength, but not feel it. It was close enough to remember his lips moving against mine, his hand tugging at my hair, his hard cock pressing against my stomach. Close enough to get a taste on just the tip of my tongue, but far enough that my mouth watered and I couldn't stop it.
"I cannot escape you."
I felt each word as if he traced every letter across my chest. I wasn't going to be able to stop myself. I knew it then. He was so close and all I had to do was reach out and I knew I was going to reach out. I wanted him. I wanted his body, his heart, his soul. I wanted him on top of me, I wanted him under me, I wanted him around me.
I tried to push him away. I did. I really did. But I saw him when I closed my eyes, when I dreamed, when I walked through a crowd, when I stared at the final rays of sunlight over the deep purple mountains. I tried.
Ryan tilted his head so that his lips ghosted across mine when he spoke next.
"I'm helpless," he said and I knew he wasn't the only one.
With a rush of breath, I pushed him back against my bookshelf and slammed my body against him. Our lips were on one another's as my awards tumbled from the shelves and books toppled over around us. It was hotter than I remembered, closer than I thought possible, more desperate than any human should ever feel for another human.
His hands were clawing at my back and my hands were tangled in his hair and-- and then there was a knock at my office door.
I stumbled away from Ryan and we glanced nervously at one another.
"On the phone," I called out.
I hoped it was just a nurse who was saying goodbye for the night or the cleaning staff ready to vacuum or the delivery guy looking for someone to give a signature.
"Lauren," my heart clenched when I realized it was Marcus. "I need to see you and Dr. Castle upstairs, please."
"Be right up," I said and prayed he'd leave as I noticed the mess on the floor from the bookshelf. "I'll grab Dr. Castle."
"Much appreciated," Marcus said. "The sooner the better, doctor."
"Yes, sir."
When the elevator dinged I finally sank to the floor and leaned my head against my desk. Ryan grabbed a heavy marble award and placed it back on the shelf.
"We better go," he said quietly.
I looked over at him and noticed a smear of red lipstick across his cheek. With a sigh I stood and grabbed his chin. Our eyes shyly met as I swiped it away with my thumb as best as I could.
"We've made quite a mess," I whispered.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I should have left you alone. But I..."
I looked up at him and nodded. "I know."
He smoothed down a strand of my hair and I felt his hand linger for just a breath against my own cheek. My palm was still against his.
“It can’t be,” I said. “It would never work and we would have found that out sooner or later. Later would just be more painful. More painful for the both of us.”
"I can't see you and not touch you, Lauren," he said. "I just don't know how anymore."
My eyes fell from the intensity of his gaze and my hand dropped from the heat of his skin. I awkwardly cleared my throat and straightened my lab coat and picked up
a medical reference book from the floor.
"It's for the best. You have a bright career ahead of you, you have your mother to take care of, you have plenty of girls that would kill to be with you. Girls with less complications. And you deserve that."
He started to protest, but I stopped him short with a hand against his chest. I wanted to keep it there. I never wanted it to leave. But I turned toward the door and sighed.
"Marcus is waiting."
We walked out the door together and stood side by side in the elevator and our feet echoed in time as we approached Marcus's office, but I'd never felt more alone. He was still close, but I knew it was a lie.
He was farther away than he'd ever been. And it was because of me.
Chapter Eighteen
Ryan
It's never good news when a Human Resource manager is sitting across from you with a clipboard and a finger tapping on said clipboard. So as I sat down in Marcus's office next to Lauren, I waited for the hammer to fall.
"I've asked Maria from HR to join us for this conversation," Marcus began and I resisted the urge to glance over at Lauren.
I could see her knee bouncing and her fingers white from trying to stop it. I nodded with a weak smile at the older woman seated across from me, but she did not return the smile.
"I've received information that there may be something more than a professional, working relationship between the two of you," Marcus said, clearly choosing his words carefully. "Is that true?"
I kept silent, giving Lauren a chance to say what she wanted to say first. I'd take her lead, I told myself. Really I was childishly hoping that if we just stayed silent the issue might magically disappear and we'd get to leave.
"Who passed on this 'information'?" Lauren asked finally, her tone dark.
"That's confidential," Maria, the human resources' manager answered automatically as if she'd already anticipated the question. "And beside the point."
"I know it was Samuel," Lauren said, sitting closer to the edge of her seat and gripping Marcus's desk. "He recently wanted to reconnect and I turned him down and now he's on a witch hunt. You know him, Marcus. You know what he is like."
Marcus rubbed his temples and sighed. "Regardless," he said, sounding tired and defeated. "I need to know the nature of the relationship between you and Dr. Castle."
Lauren sat back and crossed her arms.
"And if there was something romantic between the two of us?" she asked. "I don't see why HR is here for the personal lives of two employees of the hospital. What business is it of yours what happens outside of these halls?"
I'm sure to anyone else Lauren sounded confident and sure of herself, but I knew differently. I could hear the fear. They could hear the slightest of quivers in her voice. I could see her fingers tugging at a stray hem as if it were her last lifeline.
I knew what this job meant to her. She'd built her reputation up over the years and I knew that wasn't easy, especially being a woman. She cared about her patients and her staff and I knew how devastating it would be for her to lose it all.
Marcus motioned over to Maria and we both turned to her.
"While we wouldn't be thrilled to hear of a relationship between an attending surgeon and her senior resident, even one who has not technically been formally offered that position," Maria started with reference to her terrifying clipboard, "you are correct in the sense that we would have little to say about it outside of these halls, as you put it. However, inside of these halls is a different matter entirely."
Someone needed to look into the A/C because I felt a sudden chill descend on the office. Lauren shifted uncomfortably next to me. She must have felt it grow colder, too.
"Again I cannot disclose the name of the party," Maria said in her robotic tone, "but we were informed that inappropriate behavior between the two of you was occurring on Graton's Gift grounds. Such behavior, Dr. Decker, is fireable."
The word was like a whip.
"We were told sexual relations took place here in the hospital, if I am to speak bluntly," Maria added.
"And you're just going to take this 'informant's' word as gospel truth?" Lauren asked.
Maria lifted her hand at the anger that was clearly slipping into Lauren's words.
"Of course not, Dr. Decker. We know you've worked here for a very long time with a nearly spotless record and--"
"Nearly?" Lauren interrupted.
Maria consulted her clipboard again and tapped her pen.
"Well, there was the one incident a year ago with your now ex-husband, Samuel Decker"
"Yeah, I know of him," Lauren said sarcastically. "What the fuck does he have to do with me?"
"Dr. Decker, please," Maria said, as even toned as before. "Let's keep it professional. We just noted that this isn't the first time your personal life has bled into your professional one."
Lauren laughed and leaned back in her chair, clearly not believing the words she was hearing. Frankly, I couldn't either.
"Marcus," Lauren said, "can we just get to the point of this fun little meeting of ours? I've got actual work to do."
She sent a pointed glance toward Maria. Marcus opened a folder on his desk and I strained my neck to see what was inside.
"What happened with the simulation this afternoon, Dr. Castle?"
He looked at me and I swallowed, feeling like a kid in the principal's office.
"I, um, I had a disagreement with Dr. Decker on how to proceed with the patient's surgery. It got more heated than I intended."
Marcus nodded. "Lauren?"
"I encourage my residents to challenge each other. Dr. Castle is eager to innovate and lost his place for a moment. That's it."
I glanced over at Lauren. Her knee was still bouncing furiously.
"I want to believe that was what it was, I really do," Marcus said.
I noticed another piece of paper he was fiddling with under the record of the simulation. I couldn't see what it was.
"The reason we do not encourage workplace relationships is for that very reason. This was just a dummy. But if it were a real patient?" Marcus shook his head. "Unacceptable."
"Exactly," Maria said. "So for the safety of our patients, we've been investigating the possibility of any wrongdoing from the two of you since receiving the disturbing information."
Shit.
"You've been investigating us?" Lauren asked.
"And from our investigation we've heard of some disturbing insubordination on the part of Dr. Castle. That added with the hostile and unsuccessful simulation earlier today is damning enough," Maria said. "But we found this as well."
I held my breath as Maria unclipped a piece of paper and slid it across the desk toward Lauren and I. I tried not to let my shoulders visibly sag when I saw it was a note I'd written to Lauren and slipped into a patient's report for her to find.
I remember writing it as if the ink wasn't even yet dried. It was when Lauren and I were falling for each other deeper and deeper and we couldn't stop touching each other or looking at each other or biting, licking, tasting each other. Anything we could take, we took. We were greedy. We were greedy and we were sloppy.
Clearly, my note was found. It just wasn't found by Lauren.
"Is that your handwriting, Dr. Castle?" Maria asked and I wouldn't have been surprised if it was the second or third time she'd had to repeat it.
My ears were stuffed with cotton as I stared at the torn piece of scrap paper with the unerasable black ink.
"Yes," I said, unsure if I'd even uttered the word aloud or if it was just echoing around in my mind. "Yes, I wrote it."
"And you wrote it to Dr. Decker?"
I nodded.
"And could you read it for me?"
I brought the note closer to me and cleared my throat.
"Dr. Castle, please."
I nodded and pushed my hair back from my forehead.
"It says: I had a dream last night you were naked on your desk wearing just your medical coat."
>
I winced even while reading the words aloud. It was damning alright. We'd never actually have sex at work. It was just a fantasy. But I doubted explaining that to the HR manager would do much for my cause.
"And you did write that to Dr. Decker?" Marcus asked again.
"Yes."
I heard Marcus sigh. “Dr. Castle, you obviously know how interested the hospital is to see you take on a permanent chief resident position with us. And Lauren, you know I think the world of you, personally and professionally. But we can’t have—”
I didn’t bother waiting to hear what he had to say next. All I knew is that Lauren’s professional reputation was taking a beating because of me. Because of how immature I’d been acting since she broke up with me. All along, she’d wanted to keep things professional between us. To protect her career. And I’d done the last thing I’d wanted to do. Hurt her.
Hurt the woman I loved.
Fuck, that’s why her breaking up with me had sent me into a tailspin.
I loved Dr. Lauren Decker.
"Dr. Decker rejected me," I blurted out before I'd even had time to consider the implications of them.
Marcus looked over at me in confusion and Maria turned to me with a jerky head movement befitting of the HR robot she was, but I only had eyes for Lauren who brushed her dark hair behind her ear and shook her head minutely.
"Dr. Castle?" Marcus asked.
My mind raced and I wiped my palms against my slacks. "I—I, um, I developed a crush I didn't expect on Dr. Decker and I asked her out, but she rejected me.”
"Ryan, you--"
"No, no," I said, spurned back into speech at Lauren's words. "I appreciate it, Dr. Decker. But this is all me."
I looked up at Marcus and Maria. "Dr. Decker doesn't want me to take the fall, but this is all on me. I took the rejection poorly, thus my recent bout of insubordination. I acted immaturely, because I wanted to be with her and she refused on the grounds of her professionalism. I was out of line and out of control. Dr. Decker refused my every advance."
Maria looked at Lauren."Dr. Decker, is this true?”
"Yes," I said for Lauren, but Maria held up a hand to silence me. "Dr. Decker?"
Lauren hesitated when the attention of the room fell to her. She looked to me and I saw the conflict written plainly across her face: take the fall with me or save her career, her reputation, her job.