“We’re halfway down now. We’ll do the last half together,” he said. Rung by rung, we climbed, his body pressed into mine. That scent from his pillow mixed with the rum on his breath, along with his touch, had me feeling heady and invincible. We stopped for a moment and he said, “You can let go now.”
Too soon. I may have only been fifteen but I’d gone to sex education class. Every hormone in my entire body was racing through me and pooled in places I hardly thought existed.
“Where are we going?” I asked, breathless. “I can’t see anything.”
“I’ll help you.” And with that, Jake felt around in the dark until he found my hand.
A swarm of butterflies were trapped helplessly inside my belly as each of his fingers linked around mine. I thought about pinching myself to see if I’d really just fallen asleep in Jules’ room, then thought better of it.
By the time we rounded the field and dipped behind the hill, the wind had chased the clouds away from the moon and stars, and they shone brightly above us. Jake turned to smile at me, never faltering and not letting go of my hand until we came to a patch of prairie grass and wildflowers that had been left for the North’s expansive cattle ranch. In the moonlight it looked lit by fairies. “I love it.” I love you.
“I thought you would. Come, sit down with me. I have something for you.”
I sat close to him in the tall grass. He sat in front of me and stared at me for a moment.
Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me.
“I’ll be gone for a … long time, Liv. I’ve signed up for Special Forces and I’ll be overseas a lot.”
So he’d brought me here to crush my heart. I did my best to nod my understanding ‘cause I didn’t trust my voice.
“Of all the people I know—even my family—I’ll miss you the most,” he confided. Before I had a chance to let those words take the full path from my heart to my brain he was handing me one of his earbuds. “Put it in your ear.” He put the second one in his.
Our heads had to come closer together so that we could share the earbuds. All the nerves in my body were turned up to high voltage.
His sure fingers lit up the iPod, and his selection started. Seether and Amy Lee began “Broken.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper and held it out to me.
If eyes could touch, ours did. It was more than a look or a meeting, it was a touch. This might have been what an out-of-body experience was like, because I certainly didn’t feel attached to earth’s gravity.
Our fingers settled against one another’s as we passed the paper. Neither of us moved as the music danced around in our heads. Jake’s free hand reached up and lightly grazed my cheek. “Open it.”
I carefully unfolded it. It was art paper. Inside was a beautiful pendant on a long leather cord. Then I noticed the paper had been written on. It was the lyrics to the song we were listening to now. Was he telling me he’d be broken without me?
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. All my sassy personality was melted away.
“This”—he lifted the pendant from the paper wrapping for me to see—“is a Celtic knot. You’re more Irish than me, but I’m still almost half.” He looked almost nervous now. Jake North never looked nervous. “The knot binds our hearts together.”
“It does?” I smiled, looking at the magical talisman.
“Wear this always, and I’ll always be close to you, Livie.” He removed my earbud for a moment while he slipped the necklace over my head.
His hands gently pulled my long black hair back. Having his hands on me was heaven. He put the earbud back in and restarted the song. The song was burning itself onto my heart—etching each sound, note and lyric there.
His face grew serious. “I hate leaving you, Livie, but this is something I need to do for too many reasons. You’ll be safe with Nathaniel and my brothers around to keep an eye on you. If anyone gives you a hard time—you let one of them know and they’ll beat the living shit out of them … got it?”
I nodded. Like an idiot.
He didn’t seem to think so—he smiled again.
I got it. The North boys were dangerous, no one crossed them. I started to say something when Jake’s hands cupped my face. Any coherent thought was gone and the only thing left in the universe was this song, his eyes and his close proximity.
“If Caleb and Nathaniel knew I brought you here or that we were sitting like this, they’d fucking kill me. You know that right?” He looked serious and … sad.
“You mean the way they’d kill you if they ever found out about all our late night talks?” I reminded him.
“Yeah.” Seriousness faded into more of the sadness.
I was still holding the paper but thought it was time to let it fall to my lap. Jake sang the lyrics of Seether’s “Broken,” moved his beautiful face closer and let his lips graze mine so softly it was as if a butterfly had landed just long enough for me to feel the tickle. I knew he was still close because I felt his breath, so I opened my eyes, and found his still closed.
“Livie, you’re still so young,” he breathed against my mouth.
A do-it-or-die courage pulsed through my every muscle and I grabbed the back of his head in my hands and pulled him into my waiting kiss. With permission given and inhibitions put aside, Jake’s lips set mine on fire. This wasn’t a tentative should-I-be-kissing-her kiss, this was an urgent I-can’t-believe-you’re-leaving-forever kiss. His arms wrapped around me as the paper crumpled between our bodies. Our lips continued to collide until I carefully allowed the tip of my tongue to slip over his bottom lip.
Jake’s eyes popped open.
“Was that wrong?” I was immediately self-conscious.
“No. Not wrong at all.”
“It’s my first kiss. I’m nervous,” I confessed, thinking of all the practice he’d probably had and how novice I must seem. I tried to push that thought out quick before it stole my nerve.
“I’ll always be your first kiss—always.” He stroked my cheeks with his thumbs. “Promise me you won’t forget me, Livie?”
“I could never forget you.” I wanted to tell him that I loved him so badly, but I felt like such a child, even when the way he kissed me made me feel like a woman.
“We have to go back to the house before someone catches on.” He stood up and reached his hand out to me.
I folded the paper with the song lyrics, securing it into my pocket, and took his hand again. We walked back to the house like that. As we headed back up the ladder he shielded me with his body again.
Once we were in his room he checked the hallway. “It’s clear,” he said, but he looked at me like he didn’t want to say goodbye. He reached down and held the Celtic knot in his palm. “Remember what it means. My heart has always belonged to you. Think about me, Liv, and don’t say goodbye.” He hugged me hard then just about pushed me out of the room. “I will see you again. I will kiss you again,” he promised, and I noticed his eyes got watery just before he shut the door.
That was the last time I saw Jake. Four years ago. He was twenty-two now and I’d just turned nineteen.
He still owes me a kiss, I thought bittersweetly.
The glutton for punishment that I was, I set my mp3 player to Seether’s “Broken” and allowed the music to wash over me while I sat alone in my car, underneath the fanfare. When Jake had first left, he’d written a letter every week and called every two weeks. But after his first tour in Iraq, less than a year later, he never wrote or called me again.
I was used to being discarded by my mom and dad, but never thought it would happen with Jake. It shattered me ... again.
I smoothed my fingertips over the Celtic knot I never took off. But I didn’t even know who that boy had become. Three years had passed since I’d heard from him, and the only reason I knew Jake wasn’t dead was because his family let me and Nate know.
I didn’t want to be here at his grand homecoming. I didn’t want to see him, because part of me hated him and the other
part of me knew it was going to break my heart. I would have stayed back at school, but with Labor Day weekend the dorms would be practically empty and I didn’t think I could handle all that solo time to sit and think about Jake being home, so here I was. This was my town too. I wouldn’t let him drive me out of it.
Some kid walked by and knotted a yellow balloon to my car antennae before he moved to the next one in line.
Perfect. I thought about going outside and popping it when the last lyric to the song played. It couldn’t have been more fitting. We had never been further apart.
Chapter Two
“Set Fire to the Rain”
Adele
Why was I letting a kiss that happened four years ago from a guy I hadn’t heard from in three years affect me like this?
I belonged in this town. My family and best friends were here.
Liv, get a grip.
I wasn’t getting a grip. I felt like I was suffocating—like there were yellow balloons being shoved into my lungs, choking me.
I drove to the outskirts of town, towards the ranch. The Norths owned the biggest cattle and horse ranch in all of the Dakotas and, as if that wasn’t enough, they found out they were settled on top of a hefty portion of the Brakken Foundation—North America’s largest, richest oil field. Talk about wealth. They owned homes in North Dakota, Montana, Washington and in the Canadian provinces of Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba. Their home here in Williston was the family’s castle—sitting on thousands of acres, it was the most beautiful home I’d ever seen. It was huge and gorgeous but not as ostentatious as it could have been. Mr. and Mrs. North were pretty down-to-earth and awesome really. They traveled a lot and, now that the kids were older, were almost never in one place for very long. In fact, Jake and his family had already celebrated his return privately in Calgary, where his parents were currently staying, a little over a week ago. I hadn’t gotten more than a couple of brief texts out of Jules while she was there, though. She’d just gotten back in town yesterday to prepare for the real homecoming.
I stopped the car at the corner of the family’s private drive. TRUE NORTH, read the green street sign. I took a deep breath and turned right. The dirt kicked up under my tires. I’d been here almost as often as I’d been in my own home, but now I was so nervous my body couldn’t decide how it wanted to handle the situation. I was choking up, starting to cry, but at the same time a storm rolled over me that said, Don’t let this asshat make you feel this way, you belong here as much as he does.
If I wanted to, I could just show up for a little while—make an appearance then retreat to Jules’ room—I was her guest after all.
I squeezed my eyes closed against the threat of hot tears. I jammed the button on my docking station, turning my mp3 player on. I needed something to make me strong, to turn off this shit storm!
Really?! Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”??? Stupid autoplay!
How hard could it be to find a Fuck you song? I hit the button to go to the next song.
Oh! Now I started laughing—thank you, music! I bowed my head in honor to Headstones’ “Fuck You.”
I put it on replay.
Cars, bikes and ATVs were parked all over the driveway and had spilled out onto the lawn. I groaned. Fantastic! My hair was up in a messy ponytail, I was in a pair of running shorts with my fringed Koolaburras and Maui hoodie. This is not how I wanted to make my entrance. I’d tried to get here early enough to shower and get ready after the day’s drive. It was only three in the afternoon—Jules told me the party was happening at eight! Obviously the town was excited to greet their Man of the Year.
I listened to another round of “Fuck You” as I picked up my phone and texted Jules.
Party start early?
Sorry!
FY.
I was in a mood.
Go through side door. I got your back!
Now?
Do it!
I pulled up my hood as I got out of the car, grabbed my backpack and mp3 player and locked the car doors. I rushed to the side door where I saw Jules was standing guard. We took the side stairs into her room where I collapsed on the bed in relief.
DEFCON 1 successful.
“He’s here. He pulled in about ten minutes before you did,” Jules said as she started unpacking my bag to see what I brought.
I tensed. What if he’d brought someone home? Damn! I was always hanging from a thread with him.
“I didn’t see his Charger …” I said.
“He traded it in for a bike.”
“What kind?” I knew it was useless asking her, she was hopeless when it came to cars and bikes or any kind of muscle.
She gave me a sideways glance. “Is that really the question you want to ask?”
“Are you trying to kill me slowly? Come on, J, just do it already and put me out of my misery.” I closed my eyes to ready myself for the onslaught.
She took a big dramatic breath. “He’s alone.”
Every muscle in my body released and sagged. Then I wanted to kick my own ass for caring so much. Seeing him was going to be hard, but seeing him with someone else I wasn’t ready for. “Is anyone specifically meeting him?” He’d probably hook up with some sucker bitch at the party after a few drinks but that wasn’t a date.
“No, he’s a lone wolf. Now stop pining, tonight’s going to be fun!” She brushed her hands over my clothes to straighten the wrinkles.
I wouldn’t go straight to fun, but the entire town was going to be here. After about ten the crowd would probably thin out to the heavy partiers and it would stay like that until the early hours of the morning.
“You know there will be a ton of other cute guys here tonight! Maybe even some guys we’ve never met before,” she said excitedly. “So hurry up and get in the shower, and for God’s sake shave your legs, woman!”
I trudged to her pink bathroom. “Yes, Mom.”
“I’m doing your makeup too—not you! You suck at it.”
“Wow. Thanks.” I rolled my eyes and closed the bathroom door.
Why did he have to be such a dick? Why couldn’t he have just kept in touch? This wouldn’t be so awkward if he had, I thought as I squeezed the floral smelling shampoo into my mid-back length dark hair. When I looked at it objectively I knew it really wasn’t all his fault. He moved on. And it wasn’t all his fault that I was stuck in the past. The guys in my high school were never brave enough to ask me out—the North boys and my massive big brother acting like my bodyguards took care of that. Julia and I were off-limits, and everyone knew it. But at university I’d had several offers for dates and it’d only been a month. I went out a few times for coffee and to a couple parties, but no sparks. Whatever—I had a career in front of me and wasn’t really interested in getting together with anybody now anyway.
And what if Jake asked you out?
Shut up!
I stepped out of the shower and heard Jules blasting Cage the Elephant’s “Lotus.” I started towel-drying to the beat and found myself dancing. I loved dancing. Next to running it was my favorite exercise and tension reliever.
“You know, Liv, you don’t have it that bad. At least you haven’t had to see the object of your affection every day for the last four years with him not noticing you except to make sure you’re being good.”
Don’t you love it when you’re wrapped up so far into your own head you forget your best friend is going through shit too? Ironically, she was unequivocally in love with my brother, Nathaniel. But Jules was almost a full year younger than me, even though we were in the same year in school (she had a late summer birthday and mine was in early fall). So there was almost a seven year age difference between her and Nate, and no matter how she tried, it didn’t seem like he ever noticed her existence in that way. At least I had the memory of the taste of my first kiss being with Jake.
“Okay! So how are we going to knock out this crowd tonight and show them we’re no longer the babies?!”
“I’m SO glad you asked!�
�� she said with a sparkle in her eye.
An hour and half later we studied ourselves in the full length mirror.
She wore a low-cut, colorful, silk spaghetti-strap dress that played peek-a-boo with her knees.
I wore a blue and white bandana-style halter top that exposed my upper back and a pale yellow, embroidered lace peasant skirt that fell to my feet.
“Yellow, huh?”
“Shut it.” Yeah it was on purpose. I thought a moment. “Are you scared?”
“Shit, yeah!” Jules’ chest rose and fell like she was out of breath. “You?”
“Hell, yes, but we’re not going to let them see it!”
Jules had put way too much makeup on me for my taste. A little sparkle of green or blue was what I usually wore to bring out the stormy colors of my eyes—I had my mom’s green eyes—but this time she layered them with a pretty lilac lid color with a deeper green on the upper lids and a touch of silver. She used mascara that helped “grow” and extend my lashes along with a dark green eye pencil.
“Oh, show off your knot.” She pulled my Celtic knot out from under my shirt. “It looks great with the outfit.”
I’d never told her the story of the knot, which made me feel guilty—I was a miserable best friend. I loved her, but this was my memory, and I wanted to feel the way I wanted to feel when I remembered it—happy, giddy, or pissed off and brooding—I didn’t want talks or lectures. I felt my fingers latch onto the charm and began to bring it to my lips like I always did when I thought hard, but the pink lip gloss stopped me.
I couldn’t let Jake see this necklace. I also couldn’t take it off, so when she wasn’t looking, I tucked it back under my shirt.
“My mom has the cutest wedge heels ever in her closet! I’ll be right back,” Jules said, rushing out of the room.
I sat at her desk. She had a cup full of colored pens and candy canes even though it was only September. She always cracked them up to eat while she did homework. Daughtry’s “Life After You” came on from her playlist. There would be a lot of sentimental songs played tonight, so I’d have to suck it up so I didn’t cause my makeup to run south.
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