by Alana Khan
I think that’s the most forceful thing I’ve ever heard her say.
“Now that you’re working in one of ahma’s boutiques. I thought you could learn to fly the hovercar so you can get there on your own.”
Her mouth pops open, she’s dumbfounded.
“How about I start in the driver’s seat?” I ask.
She nods.
Brin
I feel stupid. I’m speechless and scared and stiff. Thantose is trying his best to be nice to me and I’m making it hard for him.
I’ve survived being kidnapped, abused, and humiliated, I tell myself. I can talk to Thantose without being tongue-tied.
“I left Earth before I was old enough to drive. I think flying will be too hard.” There, that came out in complete sentences.
He helps me into the passenger side of the hovercar, then walks to the other side and vaults into the driver’s seat.
“Thank you for coming with me tonight, Brin,” he says as he peers out the windshield. My heart squeezes in my chest. Initially, because it feels so good to hear sweet words come out of his mouth, then in embarrassment because I realize it’s just formal niceties. I wonder if his mom is making him do this.
It seems like she’s throwing us together for this mission to get the Meris. Did she order him to take me out tonight? To teach me how to fly so I’d be less of a burden to her?
“Here’s the start button. All you have to do is press it and—”
I place my hand on his before he can start the hover, then snatch it back to my lap. “Thantose, I’m . . . damaged. I know that better than anyone. But I won’t break. I’m getting stronger every day. Therapy’s helping. Having a job, being productive has helped, too. I don’t need anyone’s pity. You needn’t waste time with me tonight. You haven’t been back on your home planet for months. Certainly, you have a female you’d like to see.
“I don’t know how or why your mom talked you into hanging out with me tonight, but I can sneak back to my room and you can do something fun—without me.”
“You think I don’t want to do this? Don’t want to take you out tonight?” His brow furrows.
“I know it. Your responses to my emails were quite clear. You aren’t interested in me. I’m embarrassed that I declared my attraction to you. This mission to another planet to buy a book? To be with you on a little space vessel? Alone? Just us two? Mortifying.
“I get it. You love your mom and want to do this for her. I’ve grown fond of her and want to do this, too. But there’s no reason we have to be pushed together tonight. I can sneak back to my room and read.”
His face shows no emotion as it appears he’s processing my offer, then his eyes narrow in . . . sadness? Regret?
He shifts in his seat, his knee bent as he turns toward me in the tiny space. The hovercar is no bigger than a smart car that flies. Just the soft brush of his knee against my thigh sends a jolt of awareness along my synapses. I’d hoped I was over him. I was wrong.
“Let’s clear the air,” he begins. I’d forgotten how the deep timbre of his voice rivets my attention when he talks. No matter how much I don’t want to hear what he has to say, I won’t be able to ignore him.
“The last time I saw you, every male and female on the ship were gathered in ahma’s living room. I’d asked all you females to choose whether you wanted to keep exploring the galaxy to find a place that suited you, or if you wanted to remain on Primus. The catch was, it’s a small ship. In order to stay with us for more than a few lunar cycles, you’d have to mate with one of the crew. You made it known that you wanted to live with me—starting immediately.
“After that, we had a long talk. We agreed that your heart and mind weren’t ready to make such a big decision.”
I have a million reasons to loathe myself, but right this minute my self-loathing is the result of the big fat tears that are snaking down my cheeks. I wish I had more self-control, but my tears have a mind of their own. Crap, my lips are trembling. If it wouldn’t be even more awkward, I’d flee this little craft.
“I like you, Brin. You’re a kind, sensitive female.”
I couldn’t talk if I wanted to, my voice would quiver if my mouth allowed words to escape my lips. I’m waiting for his ‘but’.
“But I’m not ready to settle down. And, be honest, neither are you.”
He’s right, I know. I’m totally fucked up from living with sadistic rapists for a decade.
“That’s the hard reality. And the fact that you think you like me makes things awkward. But I have some better things to say, Brin.” He reaches out and catches one of my tears on the pad of his thumb. Part of me wants to melt into the upholstery, the other wants to melt into his arms.
He tips my chin up with one finger and waits for my tear-rimmed eyes to find his.
“The good news, Brin, is that I like you. I have the utmost respect for you. I’m . . . honored that you, even for a moment, wanted to share a cabin with me. Honored, Brin.” He spears me with such a sincere gaze it’s hard not to believe him.
“We both like my ahma enough to agree to this ridiculous mission. Do I relish acting as your slave on Virago? No. But I’m willing to do it. And obviously you’re willing to play along or we wouldn’t be leaving together tomorrow.
“But even though we’ll never be more, I want to be friends. I’m looking forward to spending time with you. It was my idea to go on this little outing tonight. I’ll even disclose my ulterior motive. Well, there were two of them. One was to make our trip less awkward. The other was to find out what you look like when you smile.”
I don’t know a lot about Thantose. It was ridiculously forward of me to offer to live together in the same tiny cabin—we’d barely said ten words to each other. One of the few things I do know about him is that he’s a big tease. It’s hard for him to be serious unless it’s about money or the safety of his crew.
But right now, looking into his caramel-brown eyes, he sure looks like he meant every word he said.
It’s a testament to just how fucked up I am that I want to pull his cock from his pants and give him a ‘thank you’ blow job for saying something nice to me. Lexa was right when she diagnosed me with disorders. But I’ve improved enough that I don’t offer to give that blow job—yay me. I gather the courage to take a deep breath, look him in those gorgeous eyes, and nod.
“Maybe we could start slow,” I say as I bravely maintain eye contact. “Like no flying and no laughing and perhaps not even any smiling. But maybe I could try to have fun.”
“Okay, we’ll start with that.” A happy, genuine smile slashes across his face. You’d think with those fierce black and white markings he would look scary whether he was happy or sad, but he doesn’t. When he smiles, he’s full of joy. And so, so handsome.
I’ve never felt as safe flying in a hovercar with his mother as I do with Thantose in the driver’s seat. The suns have set, and the landscape takes on a completely different appearance than in the daylight.
I’m used to Primus in the day. I’ve come to appreciate the beauty of the clinock trees and the scattered upheavals of igneous rock that dot the landscape. At night, though, all we see is the glimmering glow of the city.
Thantose’s house is on the outskirts, but as we approach town, the lights become more numerous and shine brighter.
“Can I ask where we’re going?”
“You can ask whatever you want, Brin. I promise I won’t hurt you. We’re almost there. Want to know, or want a surprise?”
Surprises have never been good in my life. Never. Not once. Well maybe before my abduction, but I don’t remember much about those days.
“Only if it’s a good surprise.”
“Yes. You’re going to get a good surprise.”
Then he banks the hover and I see lots of lights below us. I’ve seen vids of things like this. It’s an amusement park.
Chapter Two
Brin
The only spot available is in a poorly-lit area toward the b
ack of the parking lot. Thantose grabs my wrist and helps me down. He almost places his large hand on the small of my back to escort me toward the bright lights and music, but then clamps his hand next to his side. I stare at his hand for a moment, wishing it spanned my waist.
The hunger for him to touch me sparks desire along my veins. I’m so drawn to him. I keep repeating ‘just friends’ in my mind.
“Ever been to a fair?” he asks as he pays our admission.
“I’ve seen them on vids.” Seeing them on vids was nothing like being here, though. I’m bombarded all at once by the garish multi-colored lights, the tinkling sounds of three different songs playing from three different directions, and the overwhelming smell of something sweet.
There’s a chaotic mishmash of buildings and tents and rides and people. I’ve mostly seen Primians on this planet, they tend to be an isolated lot, but I see a few other species of aliens, some humanoid, some tall, thin, and insectoid.
Some people are hurrying, some are walking, many are sauntering arm in arm with someone of the opposite sex. My stomach clenches in envy. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a male who likes me enough to throw his arm around me and lean to kiss me right in the middle of all this hubbub?
“I haven’t been here for decades, but I remember which rides were my favorites,” he says, a huge smile plastered on his fierce face. “If you see one you want to try, let me know.”
“The Roundabout!” he announces as he grabs my elbow and drags me toward a mammoth round building covered in pictures of fantastical animals. I have no idea if these are the product of someone’s imagination, or if they exist on some far-away planet.
When we enter the barn-like structure, I see forty or fifty animatronic animals. There are six-legged horse-like creatures that resemble Ampire, the mronck in Valeria’s stables as well as flying long-necked beasts, ferocious sharp-toothed felines, and dozens of other species.
“Which one strikes your fancy?” his voice is deep and sexy.
I point to the biggest one in the room. It’s standing on its feet and reminds me of a grizzly bear though it looks ten times meaner and ten times stronger than any bear I’ve ever seen.
“You picked the most powerful one. Good for you.” He lifts me onto the beast’s back, properly adjusts my feet in the stirrups, and places my hands on the reins. He chooses an animal halfway across the room as an announcer says, “The ride begins in ten modicums. Hold on.”
Thantose mounts a dangerous three-headed canine just as the music starts and the animals come to life. The bear’s muscles move beneath my legs as he stands taller. His skin is warm. His chest expands and contracts as he breathes. The pungent smell of his humid breath assaults my nostrils.
Some other animals, under the guidance of their grinning riders, are already dashing across the huge room. I hear roaring and hissing. The floor vibrates underneath me as one of the larger animals that reminds me of a dinosaur thunders from one side of the cavernous building to the other.
As Thantose’s animal runs toward me I notice its eyes are red beams. My heart pounds in terror. Might I get killed on this ride?
“Don’t worry,” Thantose screams over the cacophony of roars and yowls. “This ride is for fun, you can’t get hurt. Want to fight?”
What? I glance around for a moment and see battles scattered throughout the building. The animals are battling and the people on their backs seem like they’re having the time of their lives.
“It’s safe?”
“Promise.”
The moment I nod, Thantose’s huge dog attacks my bear. One of the dog’s heads bites my bear’s underbelly. My bear roars and the heat of his breath warms my skin. My bear swipes the dog’s flank and blood flows from five jagged parallel cuts. I smell the coppery scent on the air.
I don’t know how they’ve programmed these amazing beasts, but as lifelike as the battle is, neither Thantose nor I get a scratch.
After the initial shock of the experience wears off, I get bolder and have my bear, who I nicknamed Brawny, attack a tall-necked thick-skinned blue animal on the edge of the action. By the time the announcer says, “Ten modicums to go,” I’m yelling at my opponent and spurring Brawny forward.
Just as quickly as the ride began, the action ceases. Brawny’s skin returns to room temperature, roars and squeals no longer assault my ears, and his chest stops expanding with each breath.
Thantose hurries over to help me down from my perch on Brawny’s back and escorts me out of the building.
“So? What did you think?”
“Wow! I thought we would just . . . I don’t know what I thought, but that was . . . amazing,” I gush.
“We can go home now,” he jokes. “I brought you here to see you smile and I’ve accomplished my task. When you weren’t hurling epithets, screaming at your opponents, or urging your beast to attack, you were positively beaming.”
He escorts me outside into the warm air. Somehow, although there are throngs of excited people milling about, it seems private. My hands lift to my cheeks and I press my fingertips to the flesh like a blind person trying to determine how someone looks.
Am I smiling? I think so. Is this what happy feels like? My eyes shutter closed as I quiet my mind and pay attention to my emotions. Warm tears threaten from behind my lids as I notice it’s not happiness. But it is the lack of fear.
For the first time in memory, I’m not terrified of this moment and what’s coming next. My body isn’t on high alert. I have no idea how crazed bloodlust morphed into a feeling of safety, but for once in my life I’m unafraid. It’s wonderful.
He leans his huge frame into my line of sight and peers at me, his brows furrowed. “Everything okay?”
“New feelings,” I divulge.
“Good ones?”
I don’t know how much to share or how much he wants to hear. I simply nod.
“You deserve good ones, Brin.” He’s smiling at me. This male was born to smile. He had loving parents, a safe home, and a personality made for fun. He deserves a female he can tease and joke with who isn’t on the verge of tears every other minute.
“Next. The Fast Whiz ride. It was my favorite as a child. It’s scary. You up for it?”
I just found the ‘no fear’ place inside myself. Am I up for a scary ride? “Yes.”
The Fast Whiz tent is up ahead and a memory from childhood barrels at me. I can see my parents’ faces for the first time in years. I remember being at an amusement park and begging to go on a rollercoaster. My parents refused, pointing to the sign that said I had to be ‘this tall’ before I could ride.
For a split second, I recall being young and carefree and believing the world was full of possibilities.
The world is still full of possibilities, the whole galaxy is. A realization hits me hard. I can look forward instead of behind. I grab Thantose’s hand and pull him to the entrance.
Second thoughts bombard me when we’re locked into the machine. We’re not back on Earth, I’m on Primus in a contraption probably designed to go faster than anything I ever dreamed of.
Thantose puts his warm, strong arm around my shoulders as the ride takes off and there’s no more room for thought as we launch so swiftly the flesh presses against my cheekbones. A startled yelp escapes my lips as we rocket forward, then go up, down, and sideways so fast the sights are a blur.
Thantose, big, brawny pirate that he is, is whooping in surprised pleasure. His deep voice is so loud it rumbles through my skin.
I’m wishing two things simultaneously. One is that this ride stop immediately, it’s scaring the pants off me. The other is that it go on forever because it’s so thrilling.
The ride continues for several more glorious, excruciating minutes, then we hurtle to a stop. The noise of the motor halts so abruptly the silence is startling. Right as the engines cut off, I hear myself laughing.
Thantose turns toward me as the machine belts unlock. He grabs my cheeks in his palms and stares into my eyes. There’
s a huge smile on his face. “You laughed, Brin. It’s a great sound. And happy looks good on you.” He glances at my lips. For a moment I think those gorgeous dark lips are going to kiss me, but he pulls away and seems inordinately interested in the ceiling of the spacious metal building.
The staff usher us out of our car and we’re whisked toward the exit in the press of people. This gives me time to contain all the emotions swirling inside me.
Thantose wanted to kiss me, I’m almost sure of it. I’ll remember every second of that interaction until the end of time. His caramel-colored eyes were beaming, his expression was so tender, and the look on his face was . . . desire? Was it?
“It’s almost 2100. Want to watch the sky display?”