‘I’m glad you decided to go back to school,’ Mum says as we park the car at home. ‘And I’m glad we still have two hours before Henry gets dropped off by the Walkers!’
I follow her inside and pour us both a glass of orange juice. She starts one of her Charley Pride CDs, skipping through the songs until she comes to ‘Kiss an Angel Good Morning’. She hums along for a moment.
‘Sit with me,’ she says, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
I sit opposite her and sip from my glass of juice.
‘You know,’ she says, ‘when I was a kid, there wasn’t a chance any of us blackfellas would finish school. Most of us only went to Year 9 or 10. But you kids these days have so many opportunities we didn’t.’
‘I know, Mum,’ I smile.
‘I just want you to know how proud I am of you for deciding to finish Year 12. It was a very mature decision.’
She starts fanning herself again with my enrolment papers. She’s quiet for a moment as we just listen to the music.
‘Have you talked to Tomas since he left?’ she asks.
‘Yeah, a few times.’
‘Just a few times?’ She fans herself faster, and I can feel the wind from across the table.
‘Yeah, he’ll get sick of me if I just keep ringing and ringing.’
I sense something inside her as she stares at me. ‘You should call him,’ she says.
‘Now?’
‘I think he’d like to know that you’re going back to school, wouldn’t he?’
‘I don’t know.’ I finish my glass of juice and notice the ring I’ve made on the wooden table surface. ‘Maybe he’d want to know, maybe not.’
She studies my face. I just smile and look away.
‘I think you should give him a call,’ she says. She stands and leaves for the backyard. I pull my phone from my pocket and text Aunty Pam.
Can you tell Tomas I got accepted back at school? Love ya xo
I head to the sink and rinse my glass. Mum’s setting up her easel outside, humming along to the music. She places her fresh blank canvas on the easel and sits on her painting stool.
My phone vibrates in my hand. It’s a message from Kalyn.
Come for pre-drinks.
I’d forgotten about the party tonight. I race upstairs and change into my jeans and shirt. Then I head back down to the backyard, where Mum is now painting her canvas brown.
‘I’m off to Kalyn’s,’ I say.
‘All right. Well, stay outta trouble. Don’t be out too late.’
I walk out of the house and make my way along the main street of the Mish. I arrive at Kalyn’s and walk through his back gate. He’s sitting at his outdoor table with Jarny. There’s a carton of beers beside them, and I take a bottle as I sit down.
‘They lettin’ me back in,’ I announce.
‘Good. Now they’ll have three choices for the acknowledgment of country,’ Kalyn says. We chuckle and I drink my beer.
‘What’s Tommy been up to?’ Jarny asks.
‘Dunno, he’s been writing and stuff,’ I say, taking a sip from my beer.
‘You haven’t talked to him?’
‘Yeah, a few times.’ I take a bigger sip from my beer.
‘Just a few times? But you like him, don’t you?’ Jarny asks, leaning forward and resting his elbows against the table. He’s sounding a bit like Mum.
‘Yeah,’ I say. I realise I’m blushing, so I pretend to scratch my eye and cover my cheek. ‘But I dunno. It’s weird to think about dating a guy, isn’t it?’
‘Why is it weird?’ Jarny’s teasing me now.
‘Because . . . I dunno. It’s just . . . different. And if I’m calling all the time, he’ll probably get sick of me.’
‘He won’t get sick of you,’ Kalyn chimes in. ‘Be good to just keep in touch.’
‘Yeah, I guess.’
‘Otherwise, that Jasper guy is coming tonight. You remember him from Bio last year?’ Jarny asks.
I remember him from Bio, and I remember him from the medical centre when Bobby got bitten by the snake, and Kalyn said that thing about the shampoo bottle.
‘I know for sure he’s gay,’ Jarny continues. ‘I could set youse up if you want?’
I nearly choke on my drink.
‘God. No, please don’t,’ I say. We all laugh and I finish my beer in one more big sip.
I can’t help but think about Tomas as Kalyn and Jarny start talking with each other. I wonder what he’s doing. Maybe he’s got court soon. Maybe he’s going to court tomorrow. Maybe he’s already been, or maybe he’s at someone’s house just like I am, getting ready for a party of his own.
Night begins to fall around eight o’clock. The chatter of the nearing guests grows louder as they make their way along the main street of the Mish. They must be already drunk. They come through Kalyn’s back gate. Abby leads them, with Tesha behind her and two other girls following.
Tesha comes over and props her bottle of Passion Pop on the table. She sits at the table with us, and Abby sits on her lap. Tesha avoids looking at me, I notice. I don’t think she knows about me and Tomas yet.
We get drunk together and a car pulls up out the front. It’s some of the white kids from school. They all shake my hand and tell me how happy they are that I’m coming back to do Year 12. Word travels fast, clearly.
By ten o’clock, I’m still at the table and it seems most of the white kids in our grade last year are in Kalyn’s backyard, drinking with us. As I glance over their faces, I spot Tesha coming towards me.
‘Congrats,’ she says, sitting down. ‘It’s good you’re going back to school.’
‘Thanks. You’re not going back, eh?’
‘Nah, gonna go to TAFE.’
It’s awkward. We haven’t really spoken since I told her I didn’t love her. I wonder whether she hates me for it.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and there’s a message from Aunty Pam.
Just told Tomas your enrolled again. He said he’s happy to hear. Love ya 2 xo.
Jarny comes over to me while a group of white kids start setting up cups on the table for a game of beer pong. He staggers a little, and I almost have to catch him when he arrives to sit next to me.
‘Jackson,’ he begins, ‘I love you, man.’
I just laugh.
‘Love you too.’ I take a sip from the beer I’m holding while Jarny swings his arm around my shoulders.
‘Jasper’s here.’
I choke on my drink. ‘Who?’
‘You know? Jasper . . .’
He is so fucking drunk. I want to punch him to sleep. My heart’s beginning to race. He just cuddles in close to me and points across the backyard. Yep. It is definitely Jasper. He’s wearing a blue T-shirt and jeans, with thin glasses over his eyes. He is cute, sure, but I don’t care. Jarny is about to give me away.
‘That’s great, cuz,’ I say, before standing up to make an escape. ‘I gotta piss.’
I zoom inside at speed. I find my way to the bathroom and splash my face with water from the bathroom sink, realising how drunk I am. I can still walk straight and talk properly, but I am definitely drunk. And in some part of me, I’m feeling adventurous. In some distant part of me, it almost feels like the right thing, for Jarny to out me to everyone. Like ripping off a bandaid – it would be done, and then I wouldn’t have to come out myself.
That’s how I know I’m drunk, because I am beginning to consider talking to Jasper. I try to imagine it. I doubt any of the white kids would care. They might be surprised, but they probably wouldn’t care. Maybe Jasper wouldn’t even be interested in me. Maybe he would never even consider me. Maybe he thinks I’m ugly. Maybe I’m not his type. Maybe he doesn’t like boys at all and we all just assumed he was gay because he looks gay sometimes.
I stay in the bathroom for so long, staring at myself in the mirror. My face is still wet, so I dry it with a nearby handtowel.
There’s a bang at the door, so I leave the bathroom, pas
sing the girl busting to go on my way out. I don’t even know who she is.
Back outside, Jarny is on all fours beside Kalyn on the grass. There’s some fresh vomit next to him and Kalyn rubs his back. The music has been dulled and a group of white people are leaving.
As I watch Jarny being comforted by Kalyn while he lets out another vomit, my mind drifts back to Tomas. I remember the care he showed me; how good he made me feel when he took me in his arms. I remember feeling so confused and angry and ashamed, and how easy it was for him to take all of that away with just a kiss. I can feel it coming, a good old cry. I shake my head and rid myself of it. I down the rest of my beer and go inside for another.
Tesha finds me beside the fridge inside the house. ‘What was that about before?’
‘What?’
‘With Jarny?’
She was listening, at the table. I shrug and shake my head. ‘I dunno. I think he was confused. He’s pretty drunk.’
‘Yeah, true,’ Tesha says with a little laugh.
Maybe she knows. Maybe Kalyn told her, even though he said he wouldn’t tell anyone. Maybe she just wants me to admit it to her.
‘Me and Abby are going back to her place for a few drinks,’ she says. ‘Do you wanna come?’
I almost say yes. But I can’t. I’m too drunk and there are things I need to say. I take her hand and lead her through the people gathered inside Kalyn’s house. We walk out the front door and onto the porch. I sit on the steps leading down to the front lawn and Tesha sits beside me. There is a smell of cigarette smoke in the air but no one else is out here.
‘I need to tell you something,’ I begin. That nervous ball has returned to my stomach again. ‘When I said I don’t love you, I didn’t mean I don’t care about you. And it wasn’t because I don’t like you, because I do!’
Tesha nods along but I can tell she’s confused.
‘The truth is I really do like you, as a person. And I like you as a friend too.’
‘Uh, okay.’
I shake my head. I’ve always been so bad at saying what I want to say.
‘I’m just gonna say it.’ I look her in the eyes. I open my mouth, but I’m almost choking on air. ‘I . . . I . . .’
‘You what?’ she asks, nearing laughter, but her voice is soft. ‘It’s all right.’
‘I don’t really . . . like . . . girls . . .’
There’s silence for a moment. The whole world could be listening to us. Her eyebrows climb to the top of her forehead and I have to look away. I want to run as far away as possible.
‘Okay,’ she begins, but just then Abby bangs through the front door, and in turning to see her, I notice someone else is standing in the dark at the other end of the porch. A few of the boys and girls from school follow Abby as she grabs Tesha’s arm.
‘There you are,’ she shouts at Tesha. ‘Let’s get.’
Abby yanks Tesha to her feet and pulls her onto the lawn. Tesha looks back to me with a smile as they head out the gate and start down the road. I just stay there, my arse planted on the porch in uncertainty.
I can smell the person smoking in the dark. Tears threaten to come to my eyes. I shouldn’t have told her, not while I’m drunk. ‘Can I bum a ciggie?’ I ask the stranger.
The figure goes for their pocket, takes out a packet, walks out of the dark, and it is Jasper. His black shoes click on the wooden porch. He hands his cigarettes to me and I take one.
‘That was pretty awkward,’ he giggles, whispering, with a smile on his face. ‘Have you told many people?’
‘Just a few.’
‘Do you feel better after?’
‘I feel annoyed.’
He chuckles. I chuckle too.
‘Yeah, it can be pretty annoying, having to tell people,’ he says as he sits beside me. ‘There shouldn’t be any need for coming out.’
He smells nice. Through the smoke, I can smell his deodorant. Maybe he’s just sweating hard, and it’s made the deodorant more active, but he smells good.
‘Why are you out here by yourself?’ I ask.
‘None of my friends smoke, so I thought I’d come out here so no one has to smell it.’
‘Oh. Yeah, I don’t smoke either,’ I say. I hand back the cigarette Jasper gave me , while he laughs to himself.
‘Someone said you’re coming back to school?’
‘Yeah. They didn’t really wanna let me back. I had a bit of trouble with the cops a few weeks ago.’
‘So, you’re a bad boy?’ he teases. His voice is soft and calming. It floats in the air when he speaks.
‘Not really,’ I reply. Oh, god, I remember Jarny wanting to set me up with this guy, and now here he is, strangely meeting me in the dark on the porch. ‘Did Jarny talk to you?’ I ask.
‘Jarny? Nah, Kalyn invited me.’
‘I mean, did he talk to you about me?’
‘I don’t think so. Why’s that?’
‘Don’t worry, it’s nothing.’ My head is spinning, and I feel a bit sick. ‘Yeah. I should probably go home.’
‘It’s not even eleven yet!’
‘I know,’ I smile.
Jasper studies me as we share a moment of staring at each other. ‘You sure you’ll make it back?’ he teases.
I just smile. ‘Yeah, it’s, like, just down the road. Literally.’
I stumble down the stairs and fall onto the lawn. ‘Fuck,’ I whisper to myself. My hand is stinging in its cast. Jasper helps me to my feet.
‘Thanks,’ I mutter.
‘I’ll walk you home.’
‘No, I don’t want to ruin your night.’
‘You won’t. I’m getting picked up soon, anyway.’
His grip on my arm is gentle as he holds me up. His eyes are brown under the moonlight, just like Tomas’. I nod, and we walk out of the front yard together.
Jasper’s quiet as we make our way along the road. I worry that he’s going to try to come inside my house and into my room. I worry he’s going to try to have sex with me.
‘I thought you just lived down the road?’ Jasper teases, faking a tired voice.
‘I do!’
The stars are few in the sky and the air is starting to cool. We pass the community centre and the streetlight and arrive out the front of my house.
‘This is me,’ I say.
‘Do you want me to help you inside?’ he asks.
‘No, don’t bother. I’m . . . I’m too drunk to . . . umm . . . Besides, my mum and brother will probably be awake, and they don’t know I’m . . . you know?’
‘What? Oh, no, no, you got the wrong idea, man . . .’
I want to slap myself as the blush rushes back to my cheeks. I picture my inner self facepalming himself.
‘Shit, I’m sorry.’
‘I just don’t want you to fall over and hurt yourself,’ Jasper laughs.
I feel so stupid. ‘Of course,’ I say. ‘You’re just being nice.’
‘Are you always this awkward?’ he jokes with a smile.
I just try to shake the embarrassment from myself and walk through the front gate. I close it behind me and hold my hands there for a moment.
‘I mean, I would . . . If I could . . . I would invite you in . . . but I think I kind of have a boyfriend. Kind of.’
I never say things like that. It’s the fucking alcohol.
‘Well, if you did ask, and you were kind of single, I might’ve said yes. Who knows?’ he teases with a cheeky smile, just like the one Tomas used to give me.
There’s silence for a moment, then we both laugh.
‘I guess I’ll see you at school,’ he says.
‘Yeah. I’ll say hey when I see you.’
He smiles a smile that shows he’s just as embarrassed for me as I am. He’s still there when I make it to the front door, so I give him a wave and he returns it, then I walk inside. All my energy rushes back through my blood and I race up my stairs, hook my phone to the charger. It powers on and I ring Aunty Pam’s number.
‘Hel
lo?’ she answers.
I sit down on the side of my bed. ‘Hey Aunt, it’s Jackson.’
‘Jackson, you gotta stop ringing me so late.’
‘Sorry, Aunt.’
‘You looking for Tomas? I just got him a new phone. I’ll text you his number.’
‘Oh. All right, great!’
‘Okay. Love you, Neph. Bye.’
I watch my phone screen for what feels like hours. Finally, a text comes with Tomas’ number. I ring it. It rings and rings and rings. It goes to voicemail and I hang up. A text comes through from Tomas: Who’s this?
I text back: Jackson, ya fool.
My phone starts to ring and I answer. I’m nearly out of breath from the anticipation.
‘Hey,’ I say.
‘Are you drunk?’ Tomas giggles. ‘I was gonna call you tomorrow, Aunty Pam just got me this phone earlier. It’s just a cheap one, but it’s fine.’
‘That’s all right. I’m sorry I haven’t really called. But I realised something just before.’
‘What’s that?’
‘We aren’t really a couple or anything, like we aren’t together, like a couple, you know? We never talked about anything like that.’
‘Okay,’ Tomas chuckles through the phone.
‘But what I’m saying is I would . . . I would like to be . . . like . . . a couple . . . With you . . . If you wanted to be . . .’
‘Be a couple? Like boyfriends?’
‘Yes. That’s exactly what I’m asking. I’m asking if you’ll be my boyfriend.’
I’m breathless again and my stomach is in knots as I sit on my bedside.
‘Like, a real couple?’ he asks.
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I want to hold your hand and walk along the beach with you. I want to buy you presents and take you for a picnic on Valentine’s Day. I want to be your boyfriend.’ I hear Tomas sniffling. ‘Only if you want to be mine, too. I know it’ll be hard, with the distance and all, but—’
‘I want to,’ Tomas interrupts. ‘But you know what that means? We’ll have to . . . come out, won’t we?’
The Boy from the Mish Page 19