by T Gephart
“Do you know them? Like, know their names?”
Well, wasn’t that the question of the century. It actually helped if I didn’t know them too well, made it easier. I’d never paid for sex but that line of who was a whore wasn’t always clear. They weren’t prostitutes, but who was I to question their lifestyle, especially when I was doing what I was doing.
“Sometimes. Not always. They knew what they were getting themselves in to. I don’t pretend it’s going to be more than it is.”
She flinched. Not a lot, but enough for me to notice. Obviously, not the answer she’d expected. Maybe the truth disgusted her, not that I blamed her. My reality was no fucking fairytale.
“Well I guess I know then.” Her eyes shot down to the floor before coming back to me. “Thanks.”
Any progress the two of us had made went right out the window. I felt the chill coming off her as her invisible wall went up.
“Know what?” I asked.
That I was an asshole? That I fucked around? That I was a complete commitment-phobe? Obviously, she was disgusted.
“Know …” She hesitated before continuing. “That you’re not gay.”
“Don’t lie, Angie. What were you going to say?”
It wasn’t like her to bite her tongue; it made me uneasy. I’d rather have her say it to my face. It’s not like it wouldn’t be something I hadn’t already said to myself.
“It doesn’t matter.” She shot down any further hope for discussion as she made for the door. “I should go. Rusty wants to go through another song for tonight.”
“A new cover?” It was a cheap shot but I hoped if I changed the subject I could get her to stay a little longer. I just needed more time. Time to work her out.
“Yes.” She tried to smile but didn’t quite pull it off.
“I’ll look forward to it.” Lord knows I’d be sitting there watching like I had the last couple of nights, no need to pretend like I wasn’t.
“Yeah, whatever.” She grabbed at the doorknob and yanked it open. Her back faced me as I watched her about to leave.
“Angie, did you really think I was gay?”
She took a deep breath but didn’t turn around. “No.”
She stayed still in her spot as I walked up behind her and whispered in her ear. “Are you going to tell me what you’re holding back?”
“No,” she whispered back.
“You should go then.”
“I know. I’m going.”
Her feet moved and then she was gone, the door slamming behind her.
What Jason had said ripped right through me.
Casual hook ups.
He didn’t do relationships.
Sex with lots of different women.
It’s what worked.
Sex with me, didn’t.
Well, he hadn’t said that but that’s what he meant. What did he say about his ex girlfriend? She was sweet but wanted things he couldn’t give her. Is that what he’d thought about me? At least he hadn’t run out on her. I wonder which was worse, knowing or not, that it had all been a farce. It’s not like I could ask her. Not sure I wanted to know the answer.
What I didn’t understand was he said they all—the hordes of women, okay maybe I was exaggerating—knew what they were getting into. I hadn’t. At no time did he ever imply it was just sex, well I guess he did when he told me it was a mistake and left, but that was after the fact. He didn’t get to change the rules after; that was not fair.
Perhaps I’d missed the briefing before, the one he obviously gave to these women who had no problem screwing him and not getting attached. That had been my bad, I guess. I got attached.
“Hey, you solid? You’re not still hung over are you?” Rusty burst through the dressing room door. Once again he hadn’t knocked. Once again, I had been dressed hours ago.
“Don’t you ever knock? And no, I’m not still hung over.” If I hadn’t been sober before, my candid little chat with Jase earlier sure had taken care of that.
“Knocking is for strangers. I’m family.” Rusty took a seat beside my illuminated makeup mirror. “You sure you want to do that song tonight?”
“Yeah, I ran through it today. Just make sure the band is tight, I’ve got the rest covered.” It was most definitely the song I wanted to sing. Years later than I should have, but at least I was getting the opportunity now.
“The band has it covered, I meant the words, dude.” His raised eyebrow hinted at his concern.
“Did you just call me, dude?” I punched him in the arm trying to lighten the mood. Changing my mind wasn’t an option.
“I call everyone, dude.” Rusty barked out a laugh.
“And here I was thinking I was special.”
“Stop avoiding.” He knew exactly what I was doing, and he called me on it. “The song.”
“It’s the one that I’m singing so it would be in the band’s interest to be the one that you play.”
There was probably a better song out there—one that better expressed my feelings—but not one I could learn in a few hours.
Closure. That’s what it was about. And this felt like the best way to do it, because despite my tough exterior, I wasn’t that tough. But that was my secret, and Jason or anyone else didn’t need to know it.
Rusty continued his rant on my song choice, threatening to play the fuck out of it. Not sure that was going to be possible but it was a conversation I was more comfortable having while I finished applying my makeup and smoothed on the finishing touches.
It would have been so much easier if he had only been gay, if that had been the reason. It must have been my alcoholic delusions—trying to make sense of it—that convinced me it was even a possibility. My stupid brain pairing together his lack of arm candy reported in the press and the hope that it was all women that were the problem. But nope, he was straight and just not interested. Wishful thinking hadn’t helped me up to this point. Not to mention how stupid the idea seemed in the light of day, while I was sober.
Never. Drinking. Again.
“So rumor is, you made out with Jase last night.” He eyed me hard while I blotted my lips with a tissue. “The whole fuck you thing doesn’t work if you kiss him later. Sends mixed messages.”
“And where did you hear this rumor?” The tissue was tossed into the trash as I turned to face him, wondering which snitch had turned me in. It could have been anyone. Traitors, the lot of them.
“From the fifty people who saw you with your tongue down his throat.”
He was right; we hadn’t been discreet. Funny how I was more annoyed about getting caught rather than actually kissing him, yeah that’s not telling at all.
“It was nothing, I was drunk. I get friendly when I drink.” Not a lie, I do get very touchy-feely after a few beers. I hugged Beth remember, and I was nice to that other girl, too. See, just friendly. “Besides, how many girls did you make out with last night huh? A little late to be throwing stones.”
“I made out with three girls, and each time it was a beautiful thing.” He smiled at the memory. “Just make sure you know what you are doing, Angie. You want to kiss him, do it. Hell, sleep with him if it will make you feel better. But do it with your eyes open this time.”
It wasn’t necessary, my eyes were well and truly open this time but I appreciated Rusty being a friend. At least someone was thinking out of the two of us. Obviously last night, it hadn’t been me.
“I’m not going to sleep with him.” Not that there was even the slightest chance. “I asked him if he was gay.”
“What? You asked Power Station Jase if he was gay?” Rusty erupted into laugher. “Oh my God, I can’t breath.” He doubled over as he continued giggling his ass off. “Seriously, I wonder if there’s oxygen around.” And still the laughter continued. “Oh fuck, that was awesome. I wish I had’ve been there. Damn, girl, you’re killing me.”
“I’m glad you are amused.” I popped him in the arm. It wasn’t that funny and had made more sense to me thi
s morning. Not so much now.
“Of course I’m amused, who asks someone they actually have had sex with if they are gay. Unless they sucked, which from all accounts he didn’t.” He wiped the tears from his eyes.
“How do you know he didn’t suck, I never spoke about the sex.”
Jase had been great. Out of this world phenomenal, but pretty sure I never mentioned it. I’d been too devastated, lots of crying. Proclamations of a broken heart a-plenty but I can almost guarantee his prowess as a lover took a backseat to how much I hated him. Asshole was thrown around a lot. Talk of great sex, not so much.
“Because if he sucked, sweetheart, you would have been happy to see him leave. Love him or not, life’s too short for bad sex. And you had your fill with Taylor Limp-dick.”
“His name was Tyler.” A chuckle escaped my lips.
“Yet notice how you didn’t correct me on his last name.”
“Touché.”
“So you asked the guy if he prefers dick. How did he take it?”
Yeah, not my finest moment. It had definitely sounded better in my head on the drive over. When I was living in my fantasy world of, maybe it wasn’t me, maybe it was all women. I should have quit while I was ahead.
“Oh, he set me straight by explaining to me not only is he not gay, but he has meaningless sex with lots of different women. He doesn’t do relationships. Could have used that memo before he’d had sex with me.” Or alternatively had sex with me before I fell in love with him. Not sure it would have changed much, not that it mattered now.
“So you know then.”
“Yep, I know.”
Known that I had just been another vagina. Nothing special. Even worse, less than special, because no sooner had he fucked me, had he given me my walking papers. It had always been a suspicion, one that twisted and turned in my head. It was the reason I swore never to give my heart again, not fully. But to have it confirmed was something else entirely. That cut went deep. So glad to have that new level of awareness—not.
“You wanna say that out loud?”
“Rusty, don’t.”
I couldn’t say the words. It would make it that much more real. Make me feel that much more stupid. No. Words weren’t needed. My heart ached enough without them.
“Fine, sing your damn song tonight then.” Rusty wrapped his arms around me. “But I strongly recommend you don’t kiss him. Kiss someone else.”
“Yeah, maybe I will.”
****
“Wow, you guys were fantastic.”
Our backstage crowd had grown to include not only Power Station but also some of their wives. Ashlyn and Megs, Dan and Troy’s ladies, were the newest additions.
“That N’Sync song sounded crazy good. I loved it.” Ashlyn, the redhead whose last name she shared with Dan, threw her arms around me in a hug.
Great. I wasn’t good with touching when I was sober, although Ashlyn didn’t seem to have the same trouble as she beamed at me. Rusty and the boys wandered off, leaving me to accept the adulation on my own. Bastards.
“Thanks.” My hands awkwardly tapped her on the back, not knowing exactly what to do here. “Who didn’t love that song, right?”
“I know. Can you imagine if that was written about you? Hey, I loved you but I’m kicking your ass to the curb and leaving. Kind of the ultimate fuck you.”
Wow. She had got it. That was exactly what the song was about and even though she hadn’t been my intended audience, I was glad at least someone saw my genius.
“Yeah, that sounded great.” Megan aka Megs aka Mrs. Troy took her turn in giving me unsolicited affection, she received the same stiff-arm tap, tap I’d given Ash.
The two ladies, as well as being married to their rock star husbands, were also best friends. Oh and totally welcoming, didn’t even look at me funny once or ask me why I had so many tattoos. Plus neither had accused me of trying to sleep with their husbands either. It was almost too normal. Could these women actually … like me?
Of course the song they were referring to was N’Sync’s “Bye, Bye, Bye.” The message of the song, as Ash had so appropriately put it, was I love you but I’m kicking your ass to the curb. See ya. Full stop.
“Well, well, Angie. You seemed to have won over some new fans.” Troy planted a kiss on his pregnant wife, which of course had her wriggling with delight. Which was not surprising considering the few times I had seen her, she seemed to be in a perpetual state of happiness. I wasn’t sure she had another mood. Oh and she called her husband by his whole name, kind of adorable but mostly weird.
“Don’t give her a head swell.” Dan snuck up behind his significant other, Ash. “We need for her head to be able to get through the door.” He not so subtly kissed her neck.
Those Power Station men did that a lot, PDA’s I mean. It was as if they had decided everyone needed to be aware of how loved up they were. I wasn’t sure if it was sad or sweet. Perhaps we should be breaking out in the song, “Can you feel the love tonight.”
Everyone laughed.
Crap. How much of that had I said out loud? I needed to keep better track of my mouth.
“Just the part about The Lion King, and they are laughing because I’d said the same thing at Dan and Ash’s wedding. Strange coincidence.” Jason materialized from the darkness.
While making out with wives was what the other band members did, appearing from the shadows was Jason’s usual trick. “I’m assuming you hadn’t meant to say it. Or the bit about needing to keep better track of your mouth.”
“Yeah. Sorry. No disrespect intended.”
While I didn’t care for Jason’s opinion, I wasn’t deliberately going out of my way to be a bitch. I know that’s what people generally thought, my appearance and general attitude not really soft around the edges, but part of that was insecurity. Rudeness wasn’t attractive and not something I wanted to be known for, even if in the past that was what I had usually come to expect from other girls. I assumed my newfound hug buddies would make the regular assumptions about me, that I was a whore or something. Then hate me, and warn me off their men.
“None, taken.” Ash shrugged, her smile still sincere.
Wow. Maybe she wasn’t going to automatically dislike me.
Both Ash and Megs were stunningly beautiful, confident and educated. Sassy too and it was hard not to be awed in their presence. They seemed so well put together, I on the other hand, was not. My mom had been like them. Classically beautiful, smart and so kind that I’d wondered if she hadn’t been an angel all along. Sometimes I thought if she’d been around longer things would have been different. If maybe some of that might have hopefully rubbed off on me. Instead of me being, well … me.
“You guys let her off the hook too easily. I would have totally made her sweat it out a little longer,” Dan unhelpfully added.
“Oh hush, Dan. Don’t be an ass.” Ash elbowed Dan in the ribs.
She didn’t take his shit either. I actually really like this girl.
“Thanks, I like you, too.” Ash giggled.
“Yeah, I should probably go now before I embarrass myself further.” I prayed the floor under me would swallow me as I resolved to staple my mouth freaking shut.
“No, hang out with us.” Megs grabbed my arm, her smile just as warm as her friend’s had been. “It will be fun. Say whatever you want, we don’t care.”
“Exactly, and Megs has a tendency to let her mouth fly so we’re totally used to it.” Ash laughed, Megs nodded, not even trying to disprove her statement.
They were being nice, and seeming so welcoming of me. Not mean or judgmental, like they were actually interested in getting to know who I was. Which was completely unexpected, because along with never giving my heart away again, I’d assumed I’d never have that. Even going so far as telling myself I didn’t need them—girlfriends. But, it was really kind of cool. I wondered if this is what sisterhood felt like. Sort of like peeing in the pool, I felt completely weird doing it but I really liked the war
m feeling it gave me.
“C’mon Dan and Jase, we’re on in ten. Ladies, we’ll see you after the show.” Troy said his goodbyes and rounded up the troops, all with his arms still around Megs. “You need anything?” The last bit was only for her.
He was being so incredibly sweet, even a non-believer like me couldn’t help but be sucked into a sappy awww-aren’t-they-just-adorable. Thankfully this time my mouth had stayed shut.
“Troy Harris, I’m fine. Go.” Her small frame comically pushed him toward the stage exit. Dan laughed as he kissed Ash goodbye and made his way out.
“By the way, I love this new T-shirt with the arms cut off.” Megs ran her hands suggestively over his biceps. “It’s freaking sexy, you’re so getting laid tonight.”
“Yeah, not what you want to say to me, Megs, right before getting on stage.” Troy’s voice rumbled as he slowly edged her toward the back wall.
Ummmm. Hello. We’re still here. Please don’t have sex in front of us.
“I’m pregnant. I’ve got no control over it.” She didn’t even seem the slightest bit sorry. The smile she wore a hint that she enjoyed seeing him all revved up. “Go smack stuff, and then come back to me.”
“Okay, I’ll just be over here.” I sidestepped a little and gave them their privacy. Well as much as they were going to be getting with a bunch of other people milling around. But I figured some pretty showy kisses were bound to happen before Troy got out the door, and I didn’t need to see that.
“You’re a popular girl.”
Oh look, Jason was still here. Awesome.
“Oh, I’m sure I’m just a novelty. But they seem really nice.”
All true. I wasn’t sure how long their fascination with me would last but I was glad I was able to survive the small talk and not sound moronic. Chit-chat was not something I excelled in and I really did think both Megs and Ash were great.
“They are. Both those girls are sweethearts. Honest, loyal and genuine.” His eyes didn’t move from mine as he rattled off the remarkable attributes of his band mates’ wives.