by T Gephart
Her lips crushed mine as she pulled me down onto her. My body smothering her while my hips kept pumping.
Need.
There was that word again. My mind giving up its fight as my body took over.
There was no holding back.
I couldn’t stop even if I had wanted to, and I sure as hell didn’t want to. My cock pounded in and out of her at an alarming pace. Over and over again, my body invaded hers. Harder and faster each time, as I struggled to get deep enough into her. Her tight pussy gripped me as I filled her with each thrust. Her breath labored as it pushed past my ear, my own bordering on hyperventilation.
“Stop,” she almost screamed. The single word enough to make me put on my brakes and for my mind to kick back in.
I was hurting her, crushing her under my weight as I hammered into her. Any common sense I’d had, left as the desperation kicked in, controlling my body in a way that was bordering on possession.
We’d been rough before, but not like this. With my movements no longer being dictated by want, but by that sick and sadistic need I had been trying to suppress, taking me over.
It had been dominating my thoughts the whole time since I’d said it, but I’d pushed it down, thinking it was something I could control. But I was delusional if I thought I had a chance, and that stupid word had no business rattling around in my head.
I was a fucking animal. The lowest form of life, and I sure as hell didn’t deserve her, let alone the fucking honor of being inside of her.
“No.” She held me, preventing me from pulling out, her arms wrapping around me like a chain weighing me down. “No,” she said again, more forceful this time and showing no signs of letting go.
“Angie, we need to stop. I was hurting you.” Hearing the words made me want to throw up. That I had gone there, treated her like that. Never again.
“You weren’t hurting me, you just scared me a little.” Her arms remained locked around my body, her eyes trained on me despite mine refusing to meet hers.
“That doesn’t make it fucking better.” I buried my head into the curve of her neck, the scent of her skin and her shampoo making my insides twist.
“Just look at me, please.” One of her arms released its death grip from around my torso, her hand tugging at my hair hard enough to lift my head. I welcomed the pain. I deserved it.
“I can’t do that to you again.” As hard as it was to own what I’d done, I manned up. My eyes locked on hers. “I won’t do that to you again.” I’d sooner die.
“And I trust you.” Her hand moved from my hair and touched my face, giving me affection I knew I didn’t deserve. Her other arm had refused to relinquish its hold, her tiny frame holding on with everything it had. “But I also need you and you promised me you would always give that to me.”
The same words I had spoken to her minutes ago smacked me in the face. The stupid, arrogant promise I’d made before my brain checked out and my body had gone rogue.
“Angie, it’s not the time to be cute.” My head shook, not in the mood for the word games we used to play. Not in the mood for any games any more.
“I’m not being cute, Jason.” There was no laugh, no smile, no sarcasm—her voice demanding my attention. “Look at me. Really look at me.”
I couldn’t have looked away if I’d tried. Not after that. She owned every single cell in my fucking body, and there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done if she’d asked. Jump of a cliff? Thanks, it’s been nice knowing you.
“God you’re fucking beautiful.” My eyes committed to memory every single curve of her face. I could’ve gone blind tomorrow and I’d have every line and every dip burned into my mind. She was more than beautiful; she was perfection. And I was so freaking undeserving, it fucking hurt. “What the hell are you doing here with me?”
“It’s where I want to be.” Her answer simple and uncomplicated, with zero doubt. “Be with me. Slow. With me.” She paused between each word, adding more weight to what she was asking me to do.
“I can’t believe you still want to after that.” My lips fell to her forehead, her skin on my mouth more precious than the air in my fucking lungs.
“What, and give up that impressive cock?” She smiled, every inch of her face lighting up with amused delight. “Not a freaking chance.”
While my cock was on board with giving her whatever she wanted—we’d already established she owned me—the rest of me wasn’t sold this was a smart decision. Check that. Probably motherfucking dumb if I was honest.
“Are you sure?” This was no longer about the sex, and everything to do with her. “You can say no at any time.”
“I know, but I’m not saying no.” She lifted her head and pressed her lips on mine, not wanting to take the out I was giving her. “Just go slow.”
“Slow,” I repeated, my mouth kissing her neck while my hands got reacquainted with her body.
Her hand moved down my back as she pulled me closer to her body. “Slow.”
That night changed everything.
Something had happened in that room. A shift where he’d morphed into something else, someone else and I’d lost him. The level of anger and aggression wasn’t something I’d seen before. He’d always had it all together. Cool, calm, collected. I’d never seen him lose control. Especially during sex. He had such a tight handle on it, that now, I wasn’t sure if he had been holding back this whole time.
Something inside of him had become unhinged, and he was no longer Jason. His eyes dark, void, soulless. Like his spirit just got up and left. Gone. Done.
It scared me.
Not because I thought he would hurt me, but because I no longer knew the man I was in bed with. He was a stranger. He was uninvited and cold, his body mechanical, aggressive and being used for punishment. And I wasn’t sure which one of us the punishment was intended for. Honestly, I didn’t think it had been directed at me—and that scared me even more.
It would have been easy to walk out. To leave, but I just couldn’t go.
And he came back.
Slowly, at first. It had been almost impossible to get him to touch me again but he did. But it wasn’t like it had been. I wondered if that was part of the reason he’d kept his distance, why his relationship ban was in play. He’d been holding back. It was something just below the surface, and I wasn’t sure if I should scratch just a little bit further. Or if either of us was ready to face it.
It didn’t happen again.
Every night Jason was not only gentle but incredibly considerate. That control was back, but it was different. He was slower, more deliberate and less aggressive. The edges had softened as we’d moved somewhere else.
We didn’t talk about the R word, because it wasn’t important. The label on what we were, unnecessary. This was more than what I had with anyone else, but I knew he was still holding back. Rocking the boat wouldn’t work.
“Hey, Pops.” My hand gripped the phone tighter, missing him like crazy. “I’m in Atlanta.”
“Hey, sweetheart. You having a good time?” His voice sounded weary and I knew it wasn’t fatigue. The date that so blatantly displayed itself on the calendar marked the anniversary of my mom’s death and it was the first time ever that I hadn’t been home for it.
Talking with him, thinking about my mom, being away from home, fatigue and all the other emotions of the past few weeks washed over me in a huge rush. And while I tried to keep it together, I knew if I didn’t get off the phone soon, it was going to be more than just a few stray tears I was going to have to deal with. I didn’t often cry but sometimes your eyes didn’t give you the choice. Stupid leaky eyes.
I ended the call, shoving my phone into the pocket of my jeans. My head lifted high and my shoulders pushed back as I prepared to deal with the world. Today that wasn’t going to be easy.
Jase and his band were going to be doing press all day. My morning and afternoon free and clear to do whatever I wanted, and while Rusty and the guys weren’t too far away, I did
n’t want anyone to be dragged down with my mood.
The elevator was my new destination. Where I was going to be headed hadn’t been decided yet but it at least it got me out of my room—the room I never slept in anymore. Besides, its not like the day could get any worse.
“Hey, are you crying?”
The metal elevator doors opened to reveal something that could make it worse.
“Why are you crying?”
Dan fucking Evans.
“I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.” My hands quickly wiped my eyes as I cursed the freaking universe. Really? You sent me Dan? Sometimes there really weren’t enough variations of the word fuck.
“Bullshit. Girls don’t cry for no reason. Especially you.” He stepped out of the elevator and moved closer toward me.
“Don’t be an ass, Dan. I’m allowed to be sad sometimes.” My traitorous eyes letting go another fucking tear as if on cue. Goddamn it. Now I didn’t know who I was more pissed off with, him or me.
“No. No you’re not. There’s no crying on tour.” His head shook, affirming his stance.
Really, the man was begging to die.
“Dan, please. Just leave me.”
“No. Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” He disregarded my telepathic urging that he shut-the-fuck-up and continued. “I can’t have you crying on tour, it messes up my mojo. Like for real, epic bad shit could happen so you need to stop.”
He was officially public enemy number one.
“Look at the fucking date, asshole.”
Dan stopped as his eyes widened in recognition.
“Oh. Fuck. I’m sorry.”
The penny finally dropped.
He, like Troy, had been with me the day my mother had died. Cynthia Morelli had been battling cancer for years, and when all the chemo and surgery hadn’t worked she did what she always did. Held her head high and left on her own terms. I’d held her hand until the last moment before they took her away. The Harris family and their “adopted” son, Dan, had stayed with me while Pops went and did whatever adults needed to do when they lost the love of the life.
“Okay, you need to come with me.” Dan reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell, his fingers furiously texting.
“What?” My feet unconsciously took a step back. “No, I don’t want to go anywhere with you.”
“Yeah, well put want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster. You’re still coming.”
With his texting session apparently over and his phone shoved back into his pocket, his hand was free to grab me and pull me into the elevator, which at the touch of the button opened on command. Of course it did. That elevator was an instrument of the devil that clearly had a personal vendetta against me.
“You know kidnapping is a crime, right?” I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp with no success. Wow, he was stronger than he looked. “Even you can’t smooth talk yourself out of unlawful detainment.”
“Blah, Blah. Big fancy words blah.” Dan mocked me, his free hand pressing the button for the top floor while the other stayed clamped around my arm.
“I hate you, Dan.” I pouted and short of head butting or kicking him in the nuts I was going wherever he had designated.
“Nah, you love me.” He smiled. Arrogant asshole. “All that shit we did to each other in the past was classic brother and sister stuff. You didn’t have one, so I had to pick up the slack.”
“Um, I’m pretty sure my brother wouldn’t have tried to sleep with me when I was sixteen, Dan.”
“Yeah, that was a moment of weakness. You got hot. Couldn’t be helped.” He shrugged like it had been no big deal.
The metal box from hell finally pinged, opening its doors and freeing us from its demonic clutches. Dan didn’t give me a chance to hesitate, dragging me out with him into the foyer that lead to the penthouse apartments.
“Got the message, what’s the emergency?” Jason appeared from another door, his phone still in his hand. “Hey.” Jason stepped closer, his eyes on me and the arm that was being held ransom by Douchebag Evans. “Let her go.”
“Relax, asswipe. I didn’t hurt her, but your girl needs attention.” Dan all but pushed me at Jason. “Oh, and I’m telling the guys we’re cancelling all our shit today. We’re all taking a day off.”
He walked off, cell at his ear, planning our scheduled day off without any further argument.
“We can’t just take a day off, we’re in the middle of a tour.” My eyes turned to Jason.
“We can do whatever we want, Angie.” His thumbs gently wiping away any remaining tears. “We’re not cancelling shows, and that is all anyone is going to care about. Now, talk to me.”
My mouth opened ready to spill. And I do mean spill, as everything washed through me. It wasn’t one thing, it was all of them heaped together and I needed someone. But like always, I just couldn’t ask. My mouth closed just as quickly as it had opened with no words coming out. It was stuck. And so was I.
Jase didn’t wait for the answer as he pulled me out of the foyer and into his room. His arms moved around my body, pulling me close to his chest and whispering, “Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t notice the date. I’m an asshole, remember?”
I didn’t want to smile but my mouth had its own ideas, spreading into a grin at the sound of Jason calling himself an asshole, and that he’d remember something about me that happened so long ago.
“Yeah you are.” My head nodded against his shirt, wondering if it was bad karma that something sad had facilitated this moment.
I was completely in love with him.
Again.
With his asshole status decided, we didn’t talk anymore, which was okay because his mouth found something better to do. Which was great because my mouth was right there with his, not talking and doing other things … with each other.
It would have been easy for it to dissolve into sex. It seemed to be a pattern where we used it to deal with the other emotions—both of us guilty of it. But for some strange reason it didn’t go that way with the action staying pretty tame and our lips being the only things that got busy. It was kind of nice.
But just because there was no sex on the horizon, it didn’t mean we didn’t make it to the bed. Jason pulled me down with him onto the pillowy mattress as he continued to kiss me. My mind completely scrambled like the eggs I hadn’t been able to eat for breakfast.
And then it hit me. The words Dan had used when he not so subtly threw me at Jase. His Girl, and Jason hadn’t set him straight and I had no idea what that meant. I needed to know. Because if he didn’t feel the same way then this had already gone too far—I had already gone to far.
“Jase?” My head pulled away from his mouth, my brain and my mouth having an internal war.
“Yes,” he said tipping my chin up toward his face, his lips not stopping despite mine now doing less kissing and more talking.
“Douchebags.” The knock at the door stopped any further conversation. “Whatever you’re doing in there, wrap it up in thirty. I hired helicopters and we’re going to Disneyworld. Oh and I’m a motherfucking genius ’cause the idea about going to the happiest place on earth was totally mine. Yeah, I’m that badass. Go back to fucking.” His voice trailing as he walked away.
“You want to kill him, or should I?” Jase kissed my neck.
“It should be a collaboration.” I tried to smile, the interruption totally killing my nerve.
It could wait until tomorrow. Maybe the day after. It didn’t have to be today. The words just needed to be said, and I would say them. I totally would. Just not now. Not here, and not now.
I nuzzled back against Jason’s chest, the heart that I so desperately wanted to be mine thumped strong and steady against my cheek as his hands played with my hair. Thump, Thump. Thump, Thump. And just being able to breathe proved difficult.
“You good?” Jason asked, his lips giving me another kiss on my forehead as he pulled away to look at me.
“Yeah,”
I lied, the word almost getting stuck in my throat. “I’m going to Disneyworld with freaking Power Station. What could be wrong?”
The separate hotel rooms were redundant.
We ended up together every night anyway, unable to keep our hands off each other and needing the release. So in my bed was where she had to be. And if she ended tucked up by my side when she fell asleep, well that was a fucking bonus.
Shit had changed between us. There was no denying that. The fact she was still here was something I marveled at every single day.
I’d fucked up.
Lost control, with my handle on things no longer steady.
The rage wasn’t a new thing; me and my inner demon had been kicking it together for a while. It was at least part of the reason why I kept the sex casual, and the girlfriends, non-existent. It was better for everyone concerned. Case in point, me losing my motherfucking mind.
Those lines I had worked so hard to keep neat and tidy were no longer straight. I knew it, and yet, I couldn’t make myself stop. I didn’t want to stop. Craving every little bit of whatever it was we were doing, to continue.
“Why are you awake?” The dark-brown eyes that should have been closed stared back at me. Her tired smile giving me the best good morning a man could ever ask for.
“I was watching you,” she confessed, hijacking my daily habit.
“Creepy. I like it.” I pulled her closer toward me, wanting to feel more of her skin on mine. “Go back to sleep, it’s early.”
“Okay.” Her voice pushed out a breath but her eyes didn’t close.
“Do you need me to help you get back to sleep?” My hand slid up her side, finding its mark as it palmed one of her breasts. My cock stirred at the prospect of getting some morning attention.
“Okay,” she said, but her body didn’t give the usual reaction despite what my hands were doing.
“Angie, what’s wrong?”