"Amanda, it's William."
The sound of his voice made her tummy quiver. Uh-oh. "William, I want you to stop this, and I want you to stop it right now!" She slammed down the phone and started ripping the valentine to shreds.
As the remains fell to her desk in a flurry of torn card stock and red envelope pieces, the phone rang again. She grabbed the receiver. "Dr. Tredway's office. Can I help you now?" She groaned. "I mean, how can I help you?" She must be really rattled if she couldn't even manage her standard phone greeting.
"It's William, and don't hang up on me. I have a stock recommendation for Gloria."
"Oh." Her face grew hot. "Is that why you called just now?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Sorry about that. I was ... upset."
"You sound upset. Is this still about last night?"
"Of course not." She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. "It's about your latest valentine. William, you have to stop sending them."
"You got another one?"
"Don't toy with me, William, or Will, as your friend Justin calls you. We both know what's going on here, and it's not funny."
"How can I convince you that I'm not the one sending those? And speaking of likely suspects, after spending a couple of hours at Geekland, I don't know why I'm even in the running. There are at least three guys there who have a major crush on you. I think you need to start reading them the riot act instead of picking on me."
"They don't know where I work. You do."
William sighed. "If you won't believe me, then we need to run a test. Is the signature in cursive or printed?"
"You should know, since you wrote it."
"Amanda, for God's sake, give me the benefit of the doubt!"
For the first time, a crack appeared in her certainty. She'd been so convinced that he was the sneaky valentine sender, but what if she was wrong? How embarrassing. "The signature was printed," she said.
"And what, exactly, does it say?"
" 'Your secret valentine.'"
"Then here's what I'll do. I'll print that same thing on a sheet of paper and you can compare my writing to what you have on the card. To save time, I'll fax it over."
Amanda surveyed the confetti on her desk and doubted she could reconstruct it into anything recognizable. "I threw away the first card, and I just finished destroying the new one."
"I see. You really don't like getting these valentines, do you?"
"No. Keep that in mind."
'Trust me, I have no intention of sending you anything resembling a valentine. Tell you what. I'm going to fax over a sample of my printing, anyway, in case you get another one of these things. Do me a favor and compare before you shred, okay?"
"Okay." His willingness to test the situation widened the crack in her certainty.
"I'm writing it out now. Expect the fax in about thirty seconds. And would you give Gloria the message that I need to talk with her about that stock recommendation?"
"I will. She's with a client at the moment." A client who broke her husband's schwanz, but we won't go into that. "I'll give her the message when she's finished."
"Make sure she understands it's a business call."
"You haven't dealt with the issue of the condoms and the candy?"
"Not yet. I will. Bye."
"Bye." Amanda stood and walked over to the fax so she could grab the paper immediately when it came out. Belatedly she'd realized that misunderstandings could arise if Gloria should happen to see a fax come through on Cooper and Scott stationery that had Your Secret Valentine written on it.
Thirty seconds came and went. Thirty more passed without a peep from the fax machine. Amanda paced in front of it, but the damned thing sat there doing nothing. She checked to make sure the phone line was plugged in, which it was. Something must have delayed William.
She started back to her desk so she could call and tell him to forget it, but Gloria and Mimi came out of Gloria's office before she could pick up the phone.
"I feel so much better," Mimi said.
"You need to give him some time." Gloria handed Mimi a sheet of paper. "I made notes while we talked, so here's a list of all the things we mentioned."
Amanda edged back over to the fax machine and stood with her back to it, shielding it from Gloria's view.
"Thanks." Mimi scanned the paper. "Sexy nurse's outfit, scented massage oils, mood music, medical-themed adult videos, fingertip vibrator, wand vibrator. Yep, that sounds like all of it."
"The key is not to rush things." Gloria walked Mimi to the door. 'Tease him with the nurse's outfit for a while. If you need orgasms, and I'm sure you will, do it in another room."
"Can I make noise?"
"Absolutely! Let him hear you, but don't let him see you masturbate until he's been released from the doctor's care. He might still be reluctant to get back on the horse, so to speak, but a few sessions of watching you with the wand vibrator should do the trick."
In spite of the ick factor she had to deal with, Amanda was impressed. If anything would get a guy interested after a trauma like that, Gloria's program would. She crossed her fingers that the fax wouldn't come until Gloria was safely back in her office.
"Best of luck, Mimi," Gloria said.
"Thank you." Mimi sighed. "I'll let you know how it goes."
"Please do." Gloria showed her out the door, closed it, and turned back to Amanda. "Can you freaking believe that? She broke his penis! If I were Franklin, I wouldn't go near her again!"
"You don't think your recommendations will work?"
Gloria threw her hands in the air. "How should I know? I've never dealt with a broken penis. I had to think fast, and that's what I came up with."
"It sounded like a good plan to me."
"I hope so. But I'll bet Franklin regrets the day he woke that sleeping tiger of a wife. He deserves a purple heart. Wait, make that a purple penis. I should have one made up for him, as a joke. Except I don't know how long it'll be before he can laugh about this." She glanced at Amanda. "What do you think? Would a medal in the shape of a penis be in poor taste?"
If Amanda had a dollar for every time Gloria left her speechless, she could quit her bartending job. But right now she needed Gloria back in her office before the fax came through. "William called," she said, hoping to speed up that process. "He has a stock recommendation for you."
"Really?" Gloria brightened. "Now that's encouraging!"
She rubbed her hands together. "He called. I like that. How did he sound?"
"Businesslike. Very businesslike. But I think you need to call him. Stock prices can rise and fall quickly."
"Oh, I'll call. But I don't think this is about a stock." Gloria winked. "I think this is about something else that's rising. And I plan to ride that upward trend. I'll go call him."
The fax hummed right as Gloria started into her office. She paused. "We're getting a fax."
"Go make your call. I'll take care of this. It's probably fax spam."
"Probably." But Gloria hung back as the fax began sliding into view.
"Sure enough. Spam." Amanda tried to pull the sheet of paper from the fax, but the machine gripped the bottom edge, not quite ready to relinquish the incriminating message. She wanted to get a good look at the writing, but it wasn't easy doing that when she was also hiding it from Gloria.
"It's from the offices of Cooper and Scott!" Gloria pounced, and right as Amanda gained control of the fax, Gloria jerked it away from her. "Excellent! The condoms and the chocolates are working!"
"Um, I don't think..."
"You don't think what, Amanda? Could this be from anybody but William?"
"No, I guess not." Unless she was ready to spill the whole story, she had to let Gloria believe the fax was intended for her.
"It's from him, all right. He's so cute. Signing Cooper and Scott stationery with Your Secret Valentine. What a droll sense of humor."
"Extremely droll."
"I was going to call him, but now I think
I'll simply waltz on down there." Gloria waved the fax. "This is practically an engraved invitation, wouldn't you say?"
"Looks like it."
"Have you gone online yet to find a book on sex trivia?"
"Not yet." She'd been too busy dealing with a second valentine from someone who might not even be William. But she hadn't been able to evaluate his writing on the fax, so she still didn't know what to think.
"You can do that while I'm gone." Gloria glanced at Amanda's desk. "What's that mess? Your desk looks like the bottom of a hamster cage."
"I tore up some notes from school."
Gloria gazed at her. "You're wound way too tight, Amanda. Go into my office and pick out a vibrator to take home with you tonight. I don't want stressed-out people working in my office. You'll give off stressed-out vibes and make the clients nervous."
Put that way, she couldn't very well refuse. "Thank you," she said. "I'll take a look at the vibrators."
"I insist. Oh, and while you're online, jump on over to some of the other sites I've given you and see what sort of thing you might be able to order for William that's different from what the G-Spot carries. If you find some juicy stuff, get them to overnight it."
"All right."
"I don't know how long I'll be in William's office."
"You have the Burnsides in twenty minutes." It was the only roadblock Amanda could think of to throw in front of this runaway train.
"I would cancel it, but I've seen the setup at Cooper and Scott." She folded the fax and tucked it in her cleavage. "They have those movable partitions that don't go all the way to the ceiling. Sound carries in a place like that, so my options are limited. I'll probably be back in twenty minutes."
"See you then." Amanda could think of no way to save William at this point. For whatever reason, he'd delayed sending the fax, and now he'd have to deal with the fallout.
But she could warn him. Maybe she shouldn't bother, but it seemed like the fair thing to do. Once the door closed behind Gloria, Amanda picked up the phone and punched in the number for Cooper and Scott.
EIGHT
William hadn't counted on a lineup at the fax machine and he'd had to wait until everyone cleared out before he sent the fax to Amanda. He knew it was risky to send it ten minutes after he'd told her it would be there, but she'd said Gloria was with a client. Sessions usually took an hour, so he figured the coast was clear for at least another twenty-five minutes.
When his phone rang, he picked up hoping it was Amanda telling him he was cleared of all charges. This valentine thing was getting ridiculous. He might not be the smoothest character in the universe, but he wouldn't continue lobbing valentines at a woman who didn't want them. He resented being labeled that kind of a schmuck.
Sure enough, Amanda was on the line. "Am I exonerated?" he asked.
"No, you're in deep shit. Gloria got the fax before I could. She thinks you sent it to her, and she's on her way down there, prepared to seal the deal between you two."
Dread washed over him. "How could she get it? You said she was with a client! Sessions take an hour!" This couldn't be happening. His luck had never been this bad.
"It wasn't a regular session. A client came in with an emergency, and she left a little while ago. Gloria was right there when the fax came in."
"And you just stood there and let her see it?"
"No, I didn't just stand there! I tried to keep it away from her, but you know how she is."
William sighed. "Yeah, I do." The clicking of a pair of high heels grew louder. He had a feeling those high heels belonged to his newest client. "Listen, I have to go."
"Good luck."
"Right. Bye." He hung up the phone and took a deep breath.
Gloria came strolling into his cubicle, all smiles. "I got your message, William. Loud and clear."
"Amanda just called to tell me about the fax."
"Yes, the fax." Gloria sat in the chair in front of his desk and pulled the folded paper from between her generous breasts. "What do you say we eliminate the secret part of this message and go public?"
William had never thought so fast in his life. "Gloria, this is very embarrassing, but... that message wasn't meant for you."
She laughed and tossed back her red curls. "You're not going to convince me it was meant for Amanda. That girl is such a sexless nerd it's pathetic."
"No, it wasn't meant for Amanda, either. It was meant for ..." Oh, God, what story can I make up that she'd buy? "My mother."
"Your mother?"
"Yes. She works at a real estate office in Springfield, and we fax each other things all the time." That was partly true. His mother was a realtor in Springfield.
The rest was a big fat lie, and he wasn't proud of himself, but he was a desperate man. His mother wouldn't approve of this lie on many levels. For one thing, he and his mother didn't have a faxing kind of relationship. They didn't e-mail, either. She preferred the sound of his voice, so he called, and he owed her a phone call, one he'd meant to make last night. But he'd been a bit distracted.
In point of fact, he hadn't been operating at an optimum level ever since meeting Amanda and her bag of sex toys on the stairs yesterday. He should have dealt with the issue of Gloria's libido right away, when it first presented itself. By the time he'd received the condoms and the candy tits, he'd already waited too long.
But he could have taken the time to react to those with a phone call last night. Sure, Justin had his problems and William was concerned. And yes, he'd spent a good part of his evening fuming about Amanda and the stupid valentine fiasco.
None of that excused him. He could have headed off this current excruciating moment with a call to Gloria, and he hadn't done it. Because of that, he was reduced to lying through his teeth.
Gloria gazed at him for several long seconds. I don't believe you."
So much for his ability to lie effectively. Apparently he couldn't do anything very well these days.
"But if you want to play the secret valentine game, I can do that." Gloria began unzipping her leopard-print jumpsuit.
William froze. "What are you doing?"
"Amanda said you had a stock recommendation for me." She drew the zipper down to her waist, revealing a black lace bra.
For the life of him, William couldn't remember what the hell it was. He glanced at the doorway to his cubicle. There was no actual door there. Anyone walking by could see right in.
He lowered his voice. "Please zip your outfit."
"Silly boy. People have better things to do than worry about what's going on in here."
"Gloria, I'm not interested in that kind of relationship with you. I appreciate your business, but—"
"I don't have much time. My clients will arrive at two.
Just tell me about the stock you want me to buy." She fingered the clasp of her bra. "Do not unfasten that"
"Just tell me the company. Then I'll give the okay and be on my way."
"Software." He swallowed and glanced at the door again. "I'm going to have to ask you to zip up."
"I will in a minute. What do you like about this software company?"
"I was impressed with their assets."
"I love it when you talk dirty."
He groaned. "Gloria, please . .."
"That's all I needed to hear." She flipped open the catch on her bra and her breasts spilled out. "Allow me to introduce my assets."
He tried to keep the panic from his voice. If a senior member of the firm saw this, William would be history. "Please cover up. You're endangering my position."
She smiled, pulled the bra back together and fastened it with a click. "Speaking of positions, what's your favorite?"
Under the circumstances, silence seemed the only way to go.
"Your face is red, William, which I find endearing. It's fine to be shy in the beginning, but when I'm finished with you, all that shyness will be gone. For the time being, I'll let you be my secret valentine. Just so that doesn't go on too long."
She zipped her jumpsuit and stood.
He let out his breath. For all his bad luck recently, at least no one had wandered by his doorway while Gloria was showing off her knockers. He might as well be thankful for small favors.
"Go ahead and buy that stock," she said. "Use the money market funds. I've been asking my very old broker to invest those and he never got around to it. I'm glad to have a young and virile man handling my ... assets."
William kept his voice as low as possible. He didn't want anyone in the office overhearing this volatile conversation. "I think we need to rethink doing business together, Gloria. I'm not comfortable with how you see our relationship developing."
"Oh?" She lifted her eyebrows. "I wondered if we'd get to this point, and here we are already. I can understand if you don't feel right having sex with a client."
William winced. That statement had been way too loud. But what could he do, run around the desk and clap a hand over her mouth? She'd probably interpret that as foreplay.
"If that's the case," she continued, "then I'll be happy to transfer my accounts back to my old and creaky broker. I'd rather have sex with you than increase the value of my portfolio. I have my priorities."
He lowered his voice another notch. "You won't be having sex with me."
"Oh, yes I will." She gave him a long, appreciative look. "But unfortunately I have to leave, now. I'll talk with you later, my secret valentine."
He decided getting her out of the office was priority number one. Getting rid of her as a client would be priority number two, except that she'd think he was only doing it to clear the way for sex. Maybe keeping her as a client while maintaining a moral stance was the safest way to go.
Then again, when it came to Gloria, he wasn't convinced anything was safe.
Although Amanda tried to tell herself she wasn't interested in what had happened in William's office, she was on the edge of her seat waiting for Gloria's
return.
Gloria arrived sporting a tiny smile. She looked smug, in fact. And she headed directly for her office. How could she do that? She was always giving Amanda way too much information, but the one time Amanda wanted it, Gloria was withholding.
My Nerdy Valentine Page 8