by Beth Burnett
Andy starts laughing as Danny looks sheepish again. “Uh, I got in a bit of a fight.”
Andy shakes her head. “No, what happened was we ran into Davey’s ex-asshole, Joe, and he started talking some shit and Danny hauled off and punched him. A couple of times. It was great!”
Leah flutters her eyelashes. “Well, I see he didn’t manage to get a hit on you!”
Danny smiles. “Only because Andy and Chuck were there. If it came down to a fair fight between the two of us, you would have had to scrape pieces of me off of the sidewalk.”
“It doesn’t matter. It only matters that you stood up for us,” I say, kissing his cheek. “You truly are my hero.”
“Oh, mine too, I guess,” Andy says, grinning. “Though you know I could have handled him on my own.”
“I know,” Danny replies. “I just lost it when he called you that. I felt it was the only response.”
Chuck nods towards Danny’s hand. “Next time, though, don’t aim for the jaw.”
“I’ve never hit anyone before. Next time, I’ll aim for the gut.”
“There won’t be a next time!” I frown at Danny. “Will there?”
“Of course not, dear!”
We all laugh again. The waitress brings a round of drinks to the table. Lynne holds her hand out to Andy’s date and says hello. The girl ignores her.
Lynne looks at me. “Charming,” she mouths.
“I think they had a fight before we got here,” I reply.
Andy waves her hand dismissively. “So, Lynne, where is UPS girl?”
Lynne grins. “I think she got a little freaked out by the class last night.”
“What class?” Tim asks.
Leah leans back in her chair. “Lynne and I have been taking a sexual awareness class for women.”
“Oh my,” Erik says. “Too bad it’s just for women!”
Lynne laughs. “I don’t know if gay men would be the exception.”
“Anyway, last night we all brought vibrators and practiced finding our G-spots,” Leah adds.
“You so did not!” Steve is leaning forward in his chair, intrigued. “Did you find it?”
“Oh darling,” Leah rolls her eyes. “I knew where mine was years ago.”
Andy is grinning. “So, what happened? UPS girl didn’t like it?”
Lynne shrugs. “Well, I was having a little trouble and Sue was trying to help me and it just wasn’t working out, so Sheila came over and, um, worked on me a bit, and it happened.”
“Sheila is Dr. Ward,” Leah adds for the benefit of those not in the know. “She’s the one who runs the classes.”
Chuck drains his glass and signals our server. “So, you’re telling me that a bunch of women lie around in a room together, playing with vibrators and trying to have orgasms?”
Lynne nods. “Yep. Pretty much.”
“Wow,” he replies. “And I thought gay men were perverts.”
Danny dumps the wet napkin on the table and flexes his hand. “All better,” he says, smiling at me.
“It better be,” I whisper. “You’re going to need it tomorrow.”
“Are you sure you can’t come over tonight?”
“I’m sure.”
“Stop trying to tempt my daughter, Daniel!” Leah chimes in. “She is getting pierced with me tomorrow!”
“I’m not getting pierced. I’m going for moral support.”
“What are you getting pierced?” Erik asks.
“My nipples,” Leah responds.
“Awesome,” Chuck says. He lifts up his shirt to show off an entire chest tattoo and a silver barbells in each nipple. Leah leans forward. “Can I touch one?”
“Of course.”
She touches one of his piercings, gingerly. “Did it hurt?”
“Yep, but I like that.”
Tim laughs.
Leah looks thoughtful. “I hope it doesn’t hurt too much.”
“It isn’t too late to change your mind, Leah.” I smile at her. “But I’ll buy you an ice cream cone on the way home if you’re a good girl throughout the appointment.”
Everyone is having a great time. Danny is chatting happily with Andy. Apparently, they bonded over their mutual disgust of Joe. Either that, or Andy was impressed that Danny threw the first punch. Joe deserved it, don’t get me wrong. I just figured if anyone would punch him for calling Andy a dyke, it would be Andy.
I look across the table at Lynne. She looks perfectly happy, even though the UPS girl isn’t here. She and Leah keep looking at each other and laughing. I glance at Andy, catch her eye, and motion towards Leah and Lynne. Andy watches them for a few minutes, then turns to me with a smile and shrugs.
Andy’s date hasn’t said a word all night, she just sits there with her hand tapping the table, looking excessively pissed off. I motion towards her and again Andy smiles and shrugs. She doesn’t care. She’s having a good time. If Leah and Lynne are flirting, it doesn’t phase Andy. If Andy’s date is acting like a sullen bitch, that doesn’t phase her either. I put my hand on Danny’s thigh. His arm immediately goes around me and he leans in to kiss my cheek.
“Are you having a good time?” I whisper in his ear.
“Yes,” he whispers back. “I really like all of these people.” He faces me and grins.
“How’s your hand?”
He shows it to me and flexes his fingers. They’re a little red, but the swelling has gone down a lot.
“I think you’ll live.”
“Thank God. It would be really embarrassing to die from punching your asshole ex-boyfriend in the face.”
“Yeah, I’d have to tell people you went out saving school children from a burning building or something.”
“Just call me Pony Boy.”
I laugh. “Did you ever notice how homoerotic that movie was?”
He shakes his head. “I think you just have a thing for gay men.”
“I don’t think so!”
“It’s fine… you can have whatever fantasies you want. Just don’t expect me to watch gay porn with you or anything.”
I smack him on the arm. “Shut up!”
“Careful, I’m wounded.”
“Oh, poor baby.”
“You may have to nurse me back to health.”
“I might be a naughty nurse…”
“All right, all right, enough with the cooing and groping over there,” Steve interrupts. “The rest of us are old and boring. We don’t want to have to look at this young love bullshit.”
“Speak for yourself, Stevie,” Andy says. “I may be old, but I am definitely not boring.”
Leah starts singing, “All you need is love.”
Danny grins as he puts his arm around my shoulders. “Sorry, Steve. I know you’re just disappointed that I’m not gay.”
“A queen can hope,” Erik says.
We all laugh again.
Andy starts cajoling her date. “Come on, you’re being boring.”
The date studiously ignores her. Chuck is intrigued. “Is she allowed to talk?”
Andy gives him a look. “It isn’t that kind of relationship. She’s just pissy and acting like a teenager.”
The girl stands up suddenly. “Your friends are old. I want to go clubbing.” She stalks inside.
Old. Somehow it didn’t seem insulting when Steve said it. But this little bitch better watch herself. I look at Danny to share the laugh, but he has completely twisted around in his chair and it facing the wall behind us.
“Danny, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just need to leave now.”
“Are you sick.”
“Yeah, I don’t feel well. Let me give you some money and I’ll head out.”
“You don’t have to give me any money. If you’re sick though, let me take you home.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just going to jump the wall here and head…”
“Danny. Danny Walker?”
I look up. There’s a short, thin, blond standing behind Ste
ve.
Danny looks up. “Hey Kate.”
“Danny, so good to see you again. You’re looking very manly.”
“Kate, you have nothing to say here. Why don’t you move along?”
“Damn,” Chuck says, leaning back in his chair. “This is the day for irritating exes. I hope my ex-wife isn’t lurking around a corner somewhere.” He looks around, feigning terror.
Tim laughs. “I know! She’s scary!”
“And bigger than me,” Chuck adds.
Kate sniffs. “Danny is not my ex-boyfriend. I couldn’t handle that.” She looks pointedly down her nose at me. “Obviously you are way more open-minded than I am.”
Danny is on his feet now. “Kate, you need to leave now.”
“What? You haven’t told her yet? I saw you two across the room, you look pretty cozy.”
Andy stands up. “Little girl, I’m not sure what your problem is, but you need to leave. This is a private gathering.”
Kate looks Andy up and down with a sneer on her face. “Are you just really butch or are you a tranny like Danny?”
The table goes dead silent. Danny sits heavily back down in his chair. Kate raises her eyebrows. “As I expected, you hadn’t told her. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but freaks like that shouldn’t be allowed to fuck with regular people.”
Andy grabs her by the arm and pulls her in close. “Get the fuck away from this table or I will physically remove you from it.”
Kate gives Andy a snooty look and walks away, looking back once to glare at Danny. I haven’t said anything. I can’t say anything. I don’t know what to say. Danny is looking at me, I can feel his eyes on me, but I can’t lift my head. I’m staring at the table and I can’t move a muscle. Andy finally breaks the silence.
“Are you really transgendered?”
Danny clears his throat and answers in a hoarse voice. “I’m a female to male transsexual.”
“Wow,” Tim says. “So like, you have a vagina?”
I raise my head slightly. Danny looks stricken and horrified. Leah throws a lemon at Tim’s face. “That isn’t appropriate and it’s none of your business.”
“I’m just trying to understand,” Tim replies.
“Seriously,” Chuck says. “Like, are you a butch lesbian? Or a straight male? And what does that make Davey?”
Danny looks down at the table. “I’m a straight man.”
“Well, but you’re not really a man,” Lynne says. “You don’t have a dick.”
“What if a man had his penis shot off in a war?” Leah asks. “Would he still be a man?”
“That’s different, Leah,” Lynne says.
“It isn’t,” Leah insists.
“Please. A woman can’t become a man. It’s biologically impossible. Seriously, Danny, I mean, do you have a working penis?” Chuck is curious.
Danny opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.
Leah jumps in. “Again, why the hell is the penis the only thing that makes someone a man?”
Tim turns to look at her. “It isn’t the only thing. There are testicles, too. Do you have those, Danny?”
Lynne looks at me. “And you obviously didn’t bother to tell Davey that you’re a freak.”
Andy looks at Lynne. “Lynne, it is not like you to be deliberately cruel,” she says softly.
“I think I have a right. FTMs are a slap in the face to real women. They are basically taking their femininity and throwing it away. And he played Davey for a fool, pretending to be a real man!”
“Lynne, you should be ashamed. You’re a lesbian. How can you be scornful of other gender queers?” Steve is incensed.
I am trying to speak. I want to defend Danny, but I still can’t make myself move. I want to touch Danny’s face, I want to smooth out that fear, but I feel as if a weight is sitting on my chest and I can’t speak. All I can do is look at him and I don’t know what to say.
Danny blinks several times, looking down at the table. Erik reaches across the table and puts a hand over Danny’s. “Sorry, Danny. I’m sorry you were outed like that.”
“We’re not being assholes,” Tim says. “We’re trying to understand.”
Erik glares at him. “You’re all being assholes.”
“Have you always thought you were a man, Danny?” Chuck asks.
“Did you play with trucks when you were a kid?” Tim wants to know.
“How do you have sex?” Lynne says.
“Are you wearing a strap-on right now?” Chuck adds.
“Stop it.” My voice is coming from far away. I feel dizzy, but I try again. “Stop it!”
Danny blinks once and a tear rolls down his face. Lynne scoffs. “Must be the hormones,” she says.
I move my hand toward Danny, but Leah scares everyone by slamming her hand down on the table.
“I am bitterly ashamed of you, Lynne.”
Lynne opens her mouth, but Leah speaks over her.
“You are a lesbian. You are considered fringe by people who want everyone in the world to be the same. You know what it’s like to be outcast and discriminated against because of something that you cannot help!”
Lynne looks outraged. “I haven’t turned my back on my own gender! I haven’t said to the world that I hate women enough that I refuse to be one!”
“That is not the case, Lynne,” Steve jumps in. “You don’t know anything about it.”
“I know enough to know that Davey will now get the joy of being a lesbian while still enjoying the fruits of hetero privilege!”
I’m on my feet. I don’t know what I want to say, because when I open my mouth, nothing comes out.
Danny stands up. “If you all want to continue discussing my private life, I’ll just go ahead and leave.” He looks at me, his face immeasurably sad. “Davey, please come with me.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m shocked beyond belief and I don’t know where we are going to go from here, but when I look into those incredibly blue, incredibly sad eyes, I know I can’t walk away from him, not here, not in front of all of these people. I can’t put him through that. I still can’t speak, so I reach out and take his hand.
Chapter Fifteen
I’m staring at the ceiling. Danny is breathing next to me. I think he’s finally asleep. I’m wrapped in his arms, staring at his beautiful face. I know I’m searching for femininity in his features and I know how unfair that is.
When we got back to his house last night, he just took me in his arms and all I could do was hold him while he cried. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair to him to be outed like that. I want to kill that little bitch from the bar. I know he was going to tell me. In fact, thinking back, I’m pretty sure he was about to tell me last night when Sarah busted in. And I know how hard it is. I am in a singular position to understand why Danny didn’t tell me earlier. I heard all about that bitch from the bar. He went on two dates with her, they seemed to be getting along pretty well. She’s openly bisexual, so he thought she would be more open-minded. Unfortunately, when he told her, she went crazy, screaming at him about how he is a freak of nature. I can imagine how badly it hurt. And I can understand waiting until he knew me well enough to know that I wouldn’t react like that. I just hate that it had to happen the way it did. To be fair, even if he had been able to tell me before, that scene might have played out exactly the same, as he was outed to my friends and family. But at least I wouldn’t have been in shock. I would have been able to stand up for him.
So, we got back last night and after we held each other for a while, we decided to get into our jammies. Danny asked me if I wanted to see him and I said I didn’t want him to feel like a specimen. I thought it would be better to wait until it happened naturally. So we took turns in the bathroom, as usual. I put on some sweats and The Clash concert t-shirt from earlier. We curled up into the big armchair and he asked if I had any questions.
I guess I hadn’t really said anything up to that point. I was still in shock
. Part of me was heartbroken over the pain that Danny was going through. Part of me was wondering what the hell I was going to do.
I didn’t know where to start. I mean, I don’t know if I even had questions at that point. As usual, in true Danny fashion, he made things easier for me by just telling me what he thought I might want to know.
“So, I started taking testosterone several years before my first surgery. I thought maybe that would take care of it. I didn’t really know much, or anything, about transitioning at that point. I mean, I always dressed as a boy when I was small. I told my mother I wanted to be a boy when I was three years old. Fortunately, she was a free spirit and an artist and we lived in a community of outcasts. So, when I started dressing as a boy and telling people I was a boy, no one really said anything about it.”
“Did they start calling you Danny then?” I had asked.
Danny laughed. “No, my name was actually Cynthia. I didn’t want to be some variation on that. Everyone just kept calling me Cynthia, but I wanted a boy’s name, so my mother told me I could pick a name, any name I wanted and she would call me that. I think Leah and my mother would have been good friends.”
I had nodded, smiling. I could see that.
“Anyway,” he continued, “I liked the name Daniel for some reason. And we had a dog named Edward. So, I told my mother that from then on, my name was Daniel Edward Walker. To her credit, she perfectly accepted it, only she called me Danny. So, that was my name forever after.”
“Did you ever regret it?” I was curious. “Did you ever wish you had chosen a different name?”
“No. My mother liked it and it has grown on me. It definitely suits me more than Cynthia.”
Cynthia. I can’t wrap my mind around it, even now. And last night, I definitely wasn’t prepared to think too deeply about the whole situation. “So, when your mother died…”
“I was forced into pretending to be a girl. My stepmother bought me dresses and my father made me wear them. I was supposed to be a model child. Unfortunately, after so many years of living free as a boy, I looked like a boy in a dress. I couldn’t pull it off. And I was always dirty, always climbing a tree, at least in the summer. I missed my New Mexico weather almost as much as I missed my mother.”