by Beth Burnett
“You’re generalizing. You’re putting every man into the same group. You’re assuming that every man is anti-woman on some level.”
“I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions. But for the most part, men want women to be what they consider feminine. They want a petite, pretty, soft-spoken girl who can cook and keep the house clean and only get fat when she’s pregnant with his kids.”
“I think you’re living in the past. I think women have been fighting for, and getting, the equality that we deserve. But that isn’t the point here. The point here is that if someone is born in the wrong body, they now have options to try to correct that.”
“Not great options.”
“Not great at all.”
“So she…”
I clear my throat and glare at her.
“So he is left with a deformed body that isn’t truly female or truly male.”
“That’s in your opinion, Lynne.” I look up at Leah. She’s smiling at me, though she has tears in her eyes. “Danny isn’t deformed. And if he is, it doesn’t change his heart. He’s a good person, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit.”
“I know. I know I was striking out, possibly from my own ignorance. I promise to try to change, but please let me stay for a while longer until I figure out what I’m going to do.”
I sit back and think for a minute. “You can stay under one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“The Trans support group at our center needs volunteers. I’ll give you Kerri Martin’s number over there and you can connect with her. You might end up learning a thing or two.”
“I will. But how about you? You seem to be so concerned about Danny, and so compassionate and understanding about transsexualism — how come you and Danny aren’t still together?”
I look at the ground and sigh. “That’s my own failing, not Danny’s. I understand that he is a man, I understand that he didn’t ask for this. But in my heart of hearts, I know that I cannot handle the things I know I will need to handle to be involved with a transman. And I’m sorry about that, because I know I hurt him. And I hurt myself as well.”
I go into the bedroom, take off my clothes and crawl into bed. I just want to sleep away the rest of my life. My mother comes in once to bring me a cup of tea, but I don’t want to talk. I just want to lie in bed and be miserable. I can’t believe I finally met a wonderful man — and he’s a woman. More than that, I can’t believe I finally met a wonderful man and, in my head, I believe and trust that he is really a man —but when I think about being with him, all I can think about is the fact that he really is biologically female. And I just can’t do that.
I stay in bed for pretty much the rest of my weekend. Leah brings me tea a few times, I get up and eat homemade vegetable soup a couple of times. Mostly, I’m just here, wrapped up in my blankets, staring at the ceiling. I think Leah is sleeping on the couch. I’m not sure where Lynne went. Maybe she is sleeping at the UPS girl’s house. This is what it felt like when Joe cheated on me, only worse. Because somewhere deep down inside, when I found out about Joe, I had a little spark of relief as well. I knew he was a jerk, and though I thought I was in love, I was kind of happy that it ended. Danny is not a jerk, I am in love with him, and it’s my fault that is has ended.
When Tuesday finally comes, Leah yanks the covers off of me. “Get up, get out of bed.”
“Go away, call Ron, tell him I’m sick.”
“No. You need to get up and go to work. You can’t stay in bed for the rest of your life.”
“Not the rest of my life, just the rest of the week.”
“Think about Danny, who is grieving by himself, without close friends or a loving mother to help him through it.”
I blink up at her. “That’s not fair.”
“No, but it’s true. Who do you think is making tea for Danny?”
I grudgingly sit up. “Probably no one.”
“I went to see him.”
“You did?”
She smiles and rubs my head. “I was worried about him. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to do something stupid like kill himself.”
“Is he all right?”
“No. But he will be. And so will you.”
“Leah? I hate that I hurt him.”
“I know you do, sweetheart.”
“I guess I’m lucky to have you and Andy.”
Leah nods. “You are. Now get up and get ready for work. I have coffee brewing.”
I drag myself through a shower and throw on some clothes. Leah presses a bag of muffins and a plastic cup of coffee into my hands. I kiss her and head to work.
Steve and Erik are both in when I get there. Steve stands up and approaches gingerly. “Are you all right?”
I nod, looking away. I wander over to my desk and turn on my computer.
“There are muffins in the bag,” I say, gesturing towards the corner of my desk. Steve leans against the edge of his desk, looking at me. Erik walks over and picks up the bag.
“Has Leah been baking?”
I shrug. Erik takes out a muffin. “Oh, apple cinnamon. My favorite.”
“Cinnamon is supposed to be an aphrodisiac for men,” Steve says.
I continue to ignore them. I really don’t want to do this today. Leah brought up a great point. Who makes tea for Danny? I hate that I hurt him. I hate that I can’t handle it. I want to call him and tell him I’ve changed my mind, but I haven’t.
“Davey,” Steve says gently. “I want you to know that Erik and I were appalled at the treatment Danny got from our friends the other night.”
Erik raises his hands. “We didn’t know. We had no idea. But it doesn’t matter. The only person whose gender or orientation matters to me is Steve.”
“That’s what Danny said.” I pause, then grin. “Well, he said it about me, not Steve.”
Steve snaps his fingers. “Darn, so close!”
Erik smiles. “He really is adorable. And you care about him so much.”
“Would you still be in love with Steve if he had a female body?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know if we would have gotten together or not. But knowing him the way I do now, I would have been worse off for not loving Steve, regardless of whether or not he had a penis.”
“I do love him. I do. If there was any way possible for me to be with him, I would. But I can’t. I can’t get around it. I can’t do it.”
Erik nods. “Well, whatever you need to do.”
Steve looks away. “It’s bullshit. Most people never find true love. You found it and you’re throwing it away.”
Erik motions to him and he walks away. I spend the rest of the morning ignoring both of them and burying myself in paperwork.
The guys both leave for lunch and I heave a sigh of relief. Erik is being understanding, Steve is not. Either way, I don’t want to talk about it. I reach for the bag of muffins. Add a cup of coffee and I’ve got myself a fantastic lunch. I’m working on a report of charitable contributions from large corporations when Ron sticks his head in.
“Guys at lunch?”
“Yep.”
He sits down on the corner of my desk. “You all right?”
“Yep.”
“It’s just if something is wrong…”
“Ron, I’m kind of in the middle of this report.”
“Fine, fine. I just wanted to let you know that you can take a couple of days if you need it.”
“I don’t. Thank you for offering. But the benefit is coming up in a couple of weeks and we need to be ready.”
“True, though I think most of it is out of your hands at this point.”
“I can still solicit donations. I can still send out emails. I can still have lunch with corporate sponsors. I can still…”
“All right. I get it. I’m not saying you don’t have things to do. I’m just letting you know that the offer is there.”
I nod. “Thanks, Ron.”
“You and Danny bro
ke up?”
“We’re not seeing each other anymore.”
He pats my shoulder. “What time can I expect to see that report?”
“I’ll email it to you before the end of the day.”
“Good, good.”
I watch him leave the office. In a weird way, I know he was trying to help. I dig back into the report until the guys get back. Steve brings a bag over and sets it on my desk.
“Polly’s grilled cheese,” he says. “I thought it would help.”
“It will.”
“I’m sorry I went off on you. I know you’re hurting, too.”
“Thanks, Steve. And thanks for the sandwich.”
This is truly the world’s best grilled cheese sandwich. I’m almost feeling human again by the time I finish it. I dive back into my report and finish it by three. Steve and Erik and I huddle together with the ticket list, preparing to do a last push of sales. Orders are still trickling in by email and phone. We’re almost at capacity as it is. Thinking about the benefit is painful, though. I had been looking forward to seeing Danny in a tux.
By the time I get home from work, I’m ready to crawl back into bed, but Lynne and Leah are in the living room, waiting for me.
“Davey, I called your friend Kerri Martin today,” Lynne says.
“Ah. And?”
“I’m going this weekend to the support group to meet everyone and figure out where they need volunteers.”
“That’s cool. Thank you for doing that.”
“No problem. She was really nice. She spoke highly of you.”
“She’s a cool lady. You’ll have fun working with her.” I turn to my mother.
“And how was your day, Leah?”
“It was fine, darling. I went and looked at apartments today?”
“Apartments? Are you moving out?”
“No, but I thought it might be time to look for a bigger apartment. Or even a house.”
“Leah, you don’t have any money. And I certainly can’t afford to rent a bigger place.”
“I certainly do have money. I have the money that Jared Banks left me when he died.”
“I’ve never even heard of Jared Banks!”
“He was one of my lovers. He left me some money. Not a lot of money, but some. I live on it when I’m between jobs, or between houses.”
“Like now?”
“Anyway,” Leah continues, “with Lynne sharing the rent…”
“No. Lynne is not going to be living with me much longer. We are not getting an apartment together.”
“But if we got an apartment that was big enough for all of us, things wouldn’t be so tense,” Lynne says.
“Things are tense because I am a private person who lives alone in a one-bedroom apartment and I have two extra people and a cat living with me!” I pause as someone knocks on the door. “And who the fuck is at the door?”
Leah opens the door and admits Sarah. We all look at each other, stunned. I open my mouth to tell her to get out, but she preempts me. “Davey, I owe you an apology for interrupting your evening the other night.”
I nod.
“I was just really upset and pretty drunk. I’m sorry.”
“All right.”
Lynne stands up. “Sarah, what are you doing here?”
Sarah looks calmly at Lynne. “I just want to talk. I just want to have a real talk with you, without accusations or hard feelings.”
Lynne nods. “I guess we can go for a walk.”
Sarah smiles. “I would like that.”
I look at Leah who winks at me.
After they leave, Leah and I sit down on the couch and put our feet up on the coffee table.
“Have you given any more thought to what you’re going to do about Danny?”
“Leah, I’m not going to do anything about him. That’s over. Now I need to move on.”
She nods. “All right, sweetheart.”
We sit quietly on the couch for a while.
“Leah, are you ever going to call Gram and Gramps?”
She sighs. “They were always so disappointed in me. From the time I first learned to talk until I came home pregnant with you, they were so obviously disappointed. It was terrible.”
“You’re all grownups now and they’re your parents. You should at least go see them.”
“I guess. If I go over, will you come with me?”
“Yep. Want to go tonight?”
“Might as well get it over with.”
“We should have called. Maybe Gram would have dinner catered.”
Leah laughs. “Well, if we’re going to do this, let’s do it.”
“Leah,” I say, as we are heading out the door.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Let’s not tell them about Danny.”
She nods. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“Love you, too, Mom.”
Chapter Seventeen
“Get up!”
“What the fuck,” I mutter from under my pillow.
“Come on, get up. Get out of bed.”
I lift the pillow halfway off my face and open one eye. Andy is standing next to my bed looking determined.
“It’s Sunday. I sleep in on Sundays. Come back later.” The sun coming through the window is killing my head. I pull the pillow back over my head. I went out with Steve and Erik after work last night and spent the whole night downing vodka. I want to die.
“Forget it. You’ve been in mourning long enough. It’s time to rise and shine.”
“I have been rising and shining. Why do you people always attack me in my bed?”
She laughs and bounces into bed with me. “Have many lesbians been attacking you in your bed?”
“I meant you people as in you and my mother. What is it about me sleeping that inspires you to be so annoying?”
“Come on. This is getting ridiculous. You haven’t been returning my calls, you blew off girls’ night twice. I haven’t seen you in two weeks. I’m starting to get a complex.”
“I went out with the boys last night. I’m probably dying of a hangover. Let me sleep for a couple more hours, then I’ll wake up and talk to you.”
“Forget it. I’m not cutting you any slack. Besides, the only cure for a hangover is to sweat it all out and drink a lot of water to rehydrate.”
I roll over on my back and look at her. She’s wearing baggy cargo shorts and a tight muscle shirt. Her skin looks unbearably clean and healthy. It looks like she’s recently shaved her head, too. I feel a pang. I’m usually the one who takes the clippers to Andy’s noggin. For a moment, I think about how easy it would be to just decide to be with Andy. I know I’m not gay, but I do love her. I love her more than my own life. She loves me and she takes great care of me. Maybe I should just marry her. I would never be lonely; I would never have to worry about dating. And I would never have to worry about sharing a bed with my mother again. I could move in with Andy and leave the apartment to Lynne and Leah.
Andy rolls over to face me. She grins. “Stop checking me out, you’re making me feel self-conscious.”
“I was thinking about how easy it is to love you.”
“I’m pretty loveable.”
“Let me rub your fuzzy head.”
She lays her head on my chest and I rub my hand over the fuzz. “Sorry I didn’t shave it for you this time.”
“Ah, that’s okay. A buzz cut is pretty easy to manage on my own.”
“I won’t miss it next time, all right?”
“No problem. Now, are you going to get out of bed, or what?”
“I have been getting out of bed. I don’t know what Leah’s been telling you. I get out of bed. I go to work. I come home. I do chores. I go to bed.”
“Sounds thrilling.”
“Sometimes I read.”
“Wow.”
“Hey, I partied last night.”
“No you didn’t. You drank like a fish, then refused a ride home. You could have been killed.”
“I wa
sn’t that drunk.”
“Then you aren’t that hungover. Get up.”
“I’ve been working overtime, getting ready for the benefit.” I tug a piece of hair out of her head. “Missed one.”
“Thanks.” She pulls away a bit so she can look at me. “Speaking of the benefit, have you thought about your extra ticket?”
“I thought I would give it to you.”
“I bought one. What about Leah?”
“Lynne is giving hers to Leah.”
“Well, if Leah goes with you, Lynne can take Sarah.”
“Sarah?” I turn over on my side, fully awake now. “Why would she take Sarah?”
“If you did anything other than work and sleep, you would know. They’ve been dating these past couple of weeks. Nothing serious, they are on sensitive ground here. But it looks like Sarah has quit drinking and Lynne has stopped fucking the UPS girl.”
“I saw Sarah and Lynne together at the center on Saturday. I didn’t get a chance to ask them what they were doing there.”
“Sarah has been volunteering at the trans support group with Lynne.”
“Get out!”
“I’m dead serious. I guess they’re trying to find common interests.”
I laugh. “That’s a start.”
“Anyway, Lynne and Leah and I went to girls’ night on Thursday when you were apparently working too late to join us. I heard all about it.”
“Will Lynne still be going to sex class with Leah?”
“Yeah, I think there’s a couple more classes.” She pauses, then looks at me seriously. “Davey, Leah is really worried about you. She says you’re just drifting around in zombie mode.”
“Andy, that isn’t true. I’m fine. I’ve just been really, really busy.”
“Well, you’re not busy today, so you’re spending the day with me.”
“Fine, what are we doing?”
“We’re going out to find you a gown for the ball.”
I raise an eyebrow at her. “You are going to go shopping with me?”
“What? I can shop!”
“Andy, you buy your jeans in lots of ten so you don’t have to go back to the store for years.”