by Jane Frances
This admission was totally unexpected. Lisa’s ability to meet just about any situation head-on gave Cathy the impression almost nothing could scare her off. The silent appeal in Lisa’s expression, however, conveyed the honesty of her statement. “Oh, honey…what are you frightened of?”
“Everything.” Lisa broke eye contact, intent instead on her hands. They gently rubbed Cathy’s as she appeared to be considering her words. Finally she took a deep breath. “I’m frightened that having a baby will change everything that’s so good between us. I’m frightened of being responsible for a tiny life that’s totally dependent on us, and I’m frightened when I think of all the things that could possibly go wrong. I’m frightened that it won’t really be our baby; it will be yours and whatever you decide I’ll have no say in it. I’m frightened of bringing a child into a world still full of prejudice against people like us and that the child will grow to hate us for it. And”—she stopped her now furious rubbing of Cathy’s hands, instead tightening her grip on them—“I’m frightened you’ll want to find someone who isn’t so frightened by the whole thing.”
“Oh, honey.” That Lisa was so worried over the responsibilities that came with parenthood put her streets ahead of many who leapt without looking. “You’re not going to get rid of me that easily.”
Anxious eyes searched Cathy’s. And the vicelike grip was loosened, just a little. “Really?”
“I love you so much, Lisa. I don’t want to lose you, ever.”
“And all the other stuff…”
“We have a lot to talk about.” Lisa just nodded, so Cathy repeated her question from earlier in the day, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Lisa’s book was closed and placed on the table. Her tone was uncertain, but she looked Cathy directly in the eye as she said, “Yes. Yes, I do.”
Despondent, Toni returned the handset to its cradle. “Well, there’s that theory down the drain.” Despite repeated attempts, she had not been able to get through to Emma. The line was not engaged. It rang out, unanswered. Slumped in her seat, Toni turned her attention back to the monitor. She refreshed the screen, hoping Kayisha—whoever she was—might finally be back in. She wasn’t, and Toni sighed, pushing at the floor with her feet to begin her office-chair swivel.
The chair swung in a slow arc. Having her theory disproved was only one aspect of her disappointment. That Emma wasn’t Kayisha was the other. Toni really had begun to warm to the idea. Faded jeans. Khaki. Those strong, healing hands. Hands that saved her best friend’s life…
Three loud raps came from the direction of her front door.
“Shit.” Toni brought her chair to a halt and checked her computer clock. Who’d be calling at this hour? she wondered. Toni wandered down the hallway and put her eye to the peephole. And her heart came to a temporary halt.
She tried for a nonchalant door-opening but failed miserably. The door slammed against the hallway wall, the handle denting the plaster. Trying for a recovery, Toni leaned against the door and folded her arms. She realized her attempt at looking cool was somewhat hindered by her paw-print pajamas and ultra-fluffy slippers, so she removed her body from the door and stood up straight. Good posture was always a winner.
The woman on her doorstep suddenly bent to the ground, scooping Virgil into her arms. The little sneak had tried for a breakout but was foiled by quick reflexes. “Looks like you should ramp up work on your cat run.”
Toni raked fingers through her hair and smiled nervously. Apart from Lisa, she had only told one other person about her planned renovations. “Hi, Kayisha.”
Emma nodded. “Hi, Pookie.”
Chapter Fifteen
Finally face-to-face with the woman who’d tormented her thoughts since their first virtual meeting, Toni completely forgot her manners and just stood, staring, etching Emma’s features into her memory. Hazel eyes flecked with green; light brown hair tied in a loose ponytail. The beginnings of creases around her eyes spoke of frequent laughter, or maybe frequent squinting against the sun. Whichever, Toni thought it added character to the otherwise smooth planes of her face. Toni could well imagine Emma on her childhood friend’s farm, those strong hands confidently running the flank of a horse before deftly sitting astride the creature.
“Um, Toni…Do you mind if I come in?”
“Sorry.” Toni stood aside to let her pass. “Come on through. Would you like a drink?”
“Just water, thanks.” Emma followed her to the kitchen, speaking quickly. “I know it’s late. I wanted to ring but I couldn’t find the piece of paper I had your details on and I wanted to speak to you tonight but not on the computer, so…thanks.” Emma put Virgil down to accept the glass Toni offered. “So…” She looked around her before smiling wanly. “Here I am.”
Toni followed Emma’s cue and looked around the room, as if hoping to find something new in familiar surroundings. Emma was the only new item in her kitchen, so she settled her gaze on her.
“I’m sorry, Emma, but you’ve caught me a bit off guard. I was actually waiting for you in the chat room.”
“Oh.” Emma’s face fell. “I won’t stay long.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Toni backtracked quickly. Emma’s expression, combined with the nervous sips on her water, indicated she felt herself to be an unwelcome visitor. “I’m glad you came over. I really am. It’s just I wasn’t expecting it.” Toni ushered Emma in the direction of the lounge room. “Go make yourself comfortable. I’ll be one minute, okay? I’m actually still sitting in chat so I’ll just go log out.”
Toni waited for Emma to nod unsurely, then turned and fled for the study.
Despite her promise, Toni was gone quite a bit longer than one minute, making a stop at her en suite bathroom to scrub her teeth.
She also threw aside her pajamas in favor of track pants and a light pullover. Her fluffy slippers stayed. After all, she didn’t want to look like she was making too much of an effort. Halfway down the hall she retreated to her bedroom again, scuffed off her slippers and pulled on runners. She also ran a brush through her hair, sprayed on some perfume and wondered if she should dress in something a bit better than track pants. But, while peering at the contents of her wardrobe, she realized Emma would probably be thinking she had been deserted in favor of whoever was in the chat room when Toni went to log off. She closed her wardrobe door.
For better or worse, track pants would have to do.
Emma had taken a seat toward one end of the three-seater couch. Virgil had taken residence next to her and was getting a scratch on the chin. Toni tossed up where to sit. The choices were one of the two single chairs, the vacant space on the three-seater, atop the coffee table or on the floor. She opted for the vacant space on the couch.
“So,” Toni said as she half-turned in her seat. “Here we are.”
“Yes.” Emma took another sip of her water. It was almost gone. “Can I get you another?”
“No.” The glass was placed on a coaster on the coffee table. “Thank you.”
Toni scratched her arm, then stopped. She looked at Emma, who looked back, and they both smiled. Then they both looked away. Silence reigned supreme. Except for Vigil’s purr. She was in raptures over Emma’s extended chin-scratch.
“Toni, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Toni sat forward, hands clasped in her lap. She would answer any question, anything to break this uncomfortable silence.
Toni half-wished Emma had just logged back into chat. It was much less confrontational than having her here, in person. “Why do you keep tins of chickpeas on the coffee table?” Toni immediately wished she had kept her promise to put them out of sight in between uses. Her cheeks burned. “I use them as mini-weights while the gym is off-limits.”
“Why? Have you been banned?”
“No.” Toni pointed to her face but, seeing Emma’s crooked smile, realized she was being teased. Nervous tension seeped away.
“Not yet anyway.”
“So
you weren’t discovered behind the lockers with your hands up some girl’s skirt?”
“No.” Toni grinned at the reference to their online conversation. “I prefer the back of a shed to the back of a locker.” Maybe it was the gloriously throaty quality to Emma’s chuckle, or maybe it was the way the green flecks in her irises twinkled as the delicate skin around her eyes creased in humor. Whatever it was, when Emma laughed Toni felt an involuntary shiver travel all the way up her spine. She also had a sudden, sharp awareness of the woman sitting next to her and a firm desire to remove the physical barrier between them that Virgil currently provided. Her opportunity came sooner than expected. Emma picked up her glass. “I think I will have a refill.”
Toni’s offer to freshen Emma’s glass was waved away. As soon as Emma left for the kitchen Toni picked up Virgil and plonked her onto her lap. “What do you reckon, Virg?” she whispered, now very much pleased Emma would be staying for at least the duration of another glass of water.
Virgil yawned widely but rested a paw on Toni’s forearm. Toni took it as a sign of approval. From the corner of her eye she spied Emma on her return to the couch. As she watched her approach, the reality that Emma had been the person who’d captured her imagination across cyberspace finally hit home. All the things they’d talked about, all the common ground they shared. To think it was all with a woman she wouldn’t have given the time of day to a few weeks prior.
Toni’s whisper lowered even further. “Yeah, I agree, Virg. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.”
On Emma’s return from the kitchen, their conversation began to flow. Just as with their online sessions, topics rolled effortlessly into one another, but this was so much better than online chat. In contrast to her earlier thought, Toni discovered speaking that to Emma in person was not confrontational—rather, their communication was rich and complex, heightened by the ability to read expressions and tone.
They moved closer together as they talked, and quite by accident, Toni’s knee brushed against Emma’s. It caused a jolt like electricity, and Toni felt the freshly vacant air between their thighs positively hum when they both quickly shied their legs away. Toni’s reaction was more than just physical. It was in that brief moment of contact that she fully realized the burgeoning emotional attachment she felt in online chat had already increased exponentially. She liked Emma. A lot. The temptation to tell her so was almost overpowering, but she caught herself in time, instead asking if Emma would like to check out her plans for the cat run.
Emma said yes and followed Toni into her backyard. In the poor light offered by the single under-eaves globe, Emma peered at the design for Toni’s proposed cat run. Then she paced the length of the run. Her paces took her well toward the back fence. Toni paced alongside her. “What do you think?”
“It’s an ambitious project.” Emma squinted in the direction of the plane tree, where the main area of the run would be located.
“And this section is huge.”
“Well, I wasn’t going to build it so she was on one side and me on the other, so I decided to make it big enough for us upright types too.” Toni pointed to appropriate spots in the garden as she spoke. “Over there will be the decking. It will skirt the edge of the tree and down a few meters to just about that spot there. There’ll be grass and a litter arrangement down that side. I’ll be getting paving done from the back steps and the human-size entry will run off from it. And see the spot just to the left of the back door? That’ll be where the hole is cut so Virgil will have access to and from the house. Once all that is done the rest of the yard will be planted out properly.” She stood back, hands on her hips as her eyes swept the garden, visualizing her masterpiece.
“It’s fabulous, Toni. You’ve covered everything—shade, light, a windbreak, a comfy sleeping spot and plenty of room so she can have a good run. Virgil sure is one lucky cat.”
“Try telling her that at the moment.” Toni grimaced. “I’ve got someone coming ’round tomorrow morning to give a quote on the work, but I’m guessing it will be a good few weeks before it’s finished. Virgil will be climbing the walls by then.”
“Cats are amazingly adaptable, Toni. She’ll survive.” Emma looked to her watch and asked, “What time have you arranged for the quote?”
“Around nine.”
“It’s late. I really should let you get some sleep.”
“I’m okay.” Toni knew it to be well past midnight, but she wasn’t tired at all. And was that reluctance she heard in Emma’s voice? She hoped so, because she really didn’t want Emma to leave. Not yet.
“Do you have anywhere you need to be tomorrow?” Toni asked.
“No.”
“Then stay.”
Emma tilted her head to one side as if considering. “I really should go.”
“Why?”
“I…” Emma looked to the cat-run plans before rolling them into a scroll. “I don’t know.”
Toni took the scroll from Emma’s hand and dropped it to the ground. “Then stay.”
Emma stood silent for a moment. “I lied to you.”
A little piece of Toni withered. Both online, and now offline, she’d been completely honest with Emma and had assumed the same from her. “When?”
“In chat. When I told you to go to hell. I didn’t really mean it.”
Emma had told her to go to hell more than once. “Which time?”
“When you said you wanted to kiss me.”
“Oh.” Caught in the moment, the words had just flown from Toni’s fingers and landed on the screen. The reaction to her words made her instantly regret them and now, freshly embarrassed, Toni looked down to the ground.
“I wanted to kiss you too.” Emma tilted Toni’s chin with her index finger. “I still do.”
At first their kiss was shy, hesitant. It deepened slowly, Emma’s hands sliding to Toni’s buttocks and pressing her closer to her hips.
“Oh…” Toni took a breath before falling back into the embrace.
Her tongue tipped against Emma’s.
The touch was almost too much. The touch was not nearly enough.
Toni was gathered closer and Emma’s hands skimmed under Toni’s pullover. Fingers explored lightly, delicately, traveling up and around her waist, pausing briefly before continuing their journey. They couldn’t seem to find a resting place, fingertips roaming over the smattering of dried blisters that still dotted Toni’s skin.
Toni stiffened, embarrassed at her condition.
Emma must have sensed the change in mood, her hands easing from under the light wool. Her breath came in short gasps and she visibly swallowed. “Too much?”
It seemed Emma had misinterpreted her hesitation. Nevertheless, Toni nodded.
Emma held her at arm’s length. “Are you okay?”
Toni nodded again.
“I think I should go.”
“No.” Toni reached for Emma’s hands. She held them lightly, again struck by the memory of them running confidently down the length of Virgil’s body. Toni enveloped them, feeling absolutely none of the calming effect they seemed to have on Virgil. “I don’t want you to.”
“I…” Emma’s gaze wandered around Toni’s backyard. Toni had seen the reaction enough times now to know it was Emma’s equivalent of her own hair-raking habit. Her gaze finally came to rest on Toni’s, and Emma asked, “Will you come out with me tomorrow? We could go to the movies, or maybe catch a show.” The knowledge she had effectively brought a halt to proceedings she desperately wanted to continue weighed heavily, but Toni wasn’t going to force the issue. Emma had obviously made up her mind.
Toni’s thoughts turned to her face. As with the rest of her body, most of the dried-up bits had fallen off. The new skin underneath was tight and pink and evidenced Toni’s passing illness. On her mid-morning trip to the supermarket, she’d seen people stare then look quickly away. Some even walked a wide circle around her as if she carried some communicable disease. Well, chicken pox was a communicabl
e disease, but not of that sort. “I’m not really up to a night on the town just yet…I really would like to see you though,” she added quickly.
Emma tipped her head, as if wondering whether Toni’s response was actually a yes or a no. Then she smiled. “How about you come to my place instead? I’ll introduce you to the real Kayisha.”
Chapter Sixteen
The number on the letterbox sitting atop a low fence paling matched the one Emma had relayed, but Toni did not cut the car engine straightaway. Instead she sat with eyes closed, taking a series of calming breaths. Her utter nervousness at the visit was yet another sure sign she was falling, and falling fast.
The day had been filled with signs. That Emma was the first thing on her mind when she opened her eyes that morning was one. The next thought, the one that wondered how on earth she was to survive the hours until their arranged six p.m. meeting time, was another. Then there was the fact she was showered, dressed and ready to leave a full ten minutes before needing to. Being ready early was strange enough, but being ready early despite having tried on every item of clothing she owned was nothing short of a miracle.
Deciding it was now or never, Toni cut the engine, did a check in the rearview mirror to make sure no renegade bits of food had escaped her protracted teeth-cleaning, picked up the two bottles of wine—one white and one red—brought to accompany their meal, and headed for the veranda of the California-style bungalow Emma called home.
The chiming of the doorbell prompted a large dog’s woof and the sound of paws trotting on what must be bare wooden floorboards. Human footsteps soon followed and Emma’s front door opened. Toni’s already strangled attempt at a hello was completely cut short when a snout pushed its way right into her crotch.
“Kai! Stop it!” Emma scolded, pulling at Kayisha’s collar and telling her to sit. The golden retriever did as she was told, her frantic tail-wag causing a thumping echo across the polished floorboards. The face that looked up to Toni was panting as dogs are wont to do, but this particular dog did it with an expression that gave Toni the distinct impression she was smiling. “I’m sorry Toni, please forgive my ill-mannered canine. She doesn’t usually do that.”