by Radclyffe
“Honor,” Quinn pulled her head back, her breath escaping her on a low, mournful groan, “we can’t do this.”
“I know.” Honor trembled against Quinn’s body, not certain she could stand alone. “I don’t know...I’m sorry...I can’t think why—”
“I want to make love to you,” Quinn murmured, her lips against Honor’s ear. “Every time I looked at you tonight, I wanted to touch you.”
“Oh, Quinn,” Honor moaned, pressing her forehead to Quinn’s right shoulder, struggling desperately to think through the fog of lust and desire.
“I want more than that.” Quinn cupped Honor’s chin and tilted her head, finding her eyes and holding them fiercely. “I want to make love with you until you scream, until I scream. But I want what comes before and after that, too.”
Dimly, Quinn’s words came back to Honor.
“Friends, family, children. The things that matter at the end of the day.”
“And a lover?”
“Yes. Most of all.”
“Quinn,” Honor confessed, her voice breaking. “I don’t know if I can, again.”
“I know.” Quinn very gently backed away, lifting her fingers to Honor’s cheek and caressing her lightly. “And that’s why we can’t do this.”
Honor was silent as she willed her body to quiet. “Thank you. I hope I didn’t...embarrass you.”
Quinn gave an incredulous laugh. “You did a lot of things to me just now. Embarrassment wasn’t one of them.”
“I’ll see you in the morning?” Honor’s voice was wistful, sad. Please say yes.
“I’ll be there.”
“Thank you.”
Quinn watched as Honor turned, walked down the sidewalk, and got into her car. She waited on the porch until the taillights of the Subaru disappeared around the corner, and then she sat down heavily on the front steps. She rested her head in her hands, her fingers clenched in her hair.
The only thing that had kept her from taking Honor to her bed was the certain knowledge that if she had, she would have lost Honor’s heart. And that was the one thing she wanted most of all. The fist of arousal was so tight in her chest, she thought she’d choke on it. Need, desire, and desperate longing flooded through her. She groaned softly.
Finally, she rose and slowly climbed the stairs to her apartment. She didn’t turn on the lights, but made her way by memory to her bedroom where the mattress now resided. Fully clothed, she lay down on her back and draped her forearm across her eyes. She could still feel Honor everywhere against her skin, taste her on her lips, smell her.
She feared that one fleeting kiss might be all she’d ever have. The agony was bittersweet, because as much as the memories taunted her, she wanted them. It was a long time before she fell into a fitful slumber, Honor’s image playing through her mind.
Chapter Nineteen
Honor turned her head at the sound of tapping on the driver’s side window. Linda stood there in the dark peering into the car, making a winding motion with her fingers. Hesitating, uncertain whether she wanted to talk, Honor eventually opened the window.
“Hi,” she said distractedly.
Linda leaned her forearms on the car door and said conversationally, “You’ve been out here with the engine running for fifteen minutes.” She held up a sweating bottle of Red Dog. “Want a drink?”
“Yes,” Honor replied as she reached through the window for the beer. She took a swallow and sighed gratefully. “Want to come in and sit down?”
“Sure.”
As Linda walked around the front of the car, Honor turned off the engine and leaned her head back, then closed her eyes and pressed the cold bottle to her forehead. She heard the passenger door open and felt the vehicle sway slightly as Linda slid in, followed by the thud of the door closing. She turned her head and opened her eyes. “Thanks for the beer.”
“I had a feeling you might need one, since you’re sitting in the dark at eleven thirty at night.” Linda took a swallow from her own bottle and worked the lever by her side to slide the seat back far enough to stretch her legs out beneath the dashboard. “When Robbie brought Arly over this evening, she told me that you were going out with Quinn. Arly's asleep upstairs with Kim, by the way.”
“Thanks. I would have called when it started getting late, but I knew you’d keep her here if Phyllis was tied up.”
Linda shrugged. “Of course. Phyl called to check in with us about seven. She had an impromptu dinner with, and I quote—the studly new art teacher—unquote.”
“Good for her,” Honor murmured. “She’s spent the last six years taking care of Arly and me. It’s about time she started getting on with her own life.”
“I can’t imagine that anything Phyllis might do with her life would change the way she loves you two.” Linda cocked her head and stared at her friend. She’d seen Honor devastated after Terry’s death, and she’d seen her climb out of that agony of loss and depression to carry on. She’d never heard her sound quite this way—a mixture of angry, frustrated, and sad. “What’s going on, Honor? Did something happen with Quinn?”
Honor laughed, a short hard sound entirely devoid of humor. “You could say that.”
“What?”
“That’s what I’ve been driving around for the last hour trying to figure out.”
“Did you two have a fight?”
“No.” Honor sipped her beer and curled the fingers of her left hand around the steering wheel, slowly turning it as she contemplated what she still couldn’t quite comprehend. Finally, she looked at her best friend, her expression one of uncertainty and confusion. “I kissed her.”
“A little kiss or an honest-to-God-for-real kiss?”
Honor’s voice was pitched low, her throat still tight with the memory of Quinn’s touch. “I wanted to go to bed with her...and I wanted her to make love to me until I forgot everything except her hands on me.”
Linda’s lips parted in surprise, and she exhaled sharply. “Well. That about does it for me. I need a cold shower now.”
Honor leaned her head back against the seat again and laughed, blindly reaching out her right hand and feeling the comfort of Linda’s fingers grasping hers. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“No use wasting brain power thinking about it, because it’s not going to happen.” Linda squeezed Honor’s hand. “So what happened? What’s got you in such a spin?”
“She said no,” Honor said on a sigh. “I think I’m glad that she did.” She turned her head and regarded Linda seriously. “I can’t stop thinking about her, but I’m not sure if that’s just because she’s the first woman who has made me feel anything since Terry.”
“That’s saying quite a lot, don’t you think?” Linda struggled not to scream, Don’t run from her. She’s the best thing that could happen to you!
Honor nodded. “It is amazing. But I still don’t know what it means.”
“Do you have to know?” At Honor’s look of confusion, Linda continued, “Why can’t it be enough just to have the feelings, and see where they go?”
“It was like that with Terry, but we were so young. Now the idea of getting involved with someone, even just physically, seems huge.” Honor looked out through the windshield, but she wasn’t seeing the quiet residential street. She was seeing Quinn’s expression as she’d stepped back from their kiss, regret and longing in her eyes. “And I’m pretty sure that Quinn wants more than just a roll in the hay.”
Honor, sweetheart, so do you. Linda recalled the way that Quinn had looked at Honor at the barbecue, as if Honor were the only woman present. She considered, too, the tremendous intensity and focus with which Quinn did everything. It made sense that Quinn would want more than a brief affair. “So how did you leave it?”
Honor lifted both hands and let them fall onto the steering wheel, shaking her head as she did so. “She said she wanted more than just sex, and I said I wasn’t certain that I was capable of anything more.”
“And then she
pushed?”
“Quinn?” Honor smiled, a fond sad smile. “She would never do that. She said she understood, and that she’d see me tomorrow at work.”
Linda made a sound verging on a groan. “God, it’s a damn good thing that Robin is so fabulous in bed, or else I’d have to arm-wrestle you for Quinn.”
“Yeah, right. Like you’d ever look at anyone else.”
“Look, maybe.” Linda laughed. “At the risk of sounding sexist, even if she weren’t the mother of my children, I’d never want anyone but her.”
Honor met Linda’s gaze. “I never thought I’d want anyone but Terry, either.”
“And now you do?”
“I think so.” Honor glanced down at her left hand, her wedding ring just a dull gleam in the glow from the streetlights. “I never imagined that I would.”
“You never imagined you’d be at this place without her, either, sweetheart.” Gently, Linda reached across the space between the seats and put her arm around Honor’s shoulder. “But you are, and it’s all right to keep on living.”
Honor leaned her head against Linda’s shoulder and sighed. “My head knows that, but I’m not sure that the rest of me is convinced.”
“It sounds like your body already knows.” Linda hugged her. “Give yourself a little time to get used to the idea, and if you still want to, go for it. I think Quinn is terrific.”
“I’m not sure I’d even know what to do. I never really dated anyone but Terry, and we were just horny teenagers who were lucky enough to fall in love with the right person.” Honor grinned wryly. “Besides, Quinn might not believe I’m really interested in her after my brush-off tonight.”
“Romance her, sweetheart.” Linda laughed. “She’ll get the idea.”
Romance her. Could I? Honor closed her eyes and sighed, then straightened. “I think I’m too tired to make any sense of this tonight. Should I get my munchkin?”
“Nah. She’s out, and you know how she sleeps. Let her stay.” Linda opened the car door. “Robbie can handle one extra.” She hesitated before getting out. “In fact, she’s talking about one more of our own.”
“Oh my God. That would be great!” Honor studied Linda’s face. “Wouldn’t it?”
“Her last pregnancy was no cakewalk, and she’s thirty-six now.” Linda smiled fleetingly. “But yeah, I’m ready for the two a.m. feedings and the weeks of sexual deprivation again.”
Honor laughed, truly laughed. “Keep me posted. I’ll see you in the morning. Oh, Quinn is riding in with us.”
“Yummy.”
Satisfied, Linda slipped out and closed the car door to the sounds of Honor laughing once more.
Honor called Phyllis to tell her she didn’t need to come over because Arly was at Robin and Linda’s, then she set the coffeemaker to autobrew, showered, and was dressed and ready for work forty-five minutes ahead of schedule. She fidgeted in the kitchen, choosing first one set of coffee mugs and then another, and then decided it would be better to use travel mugs. Once that was settled, she stared at the clock. At 6:10, there was a knock at the back door, and her pulse kicked into hyperdrive.
“Hi,” Honor said as she opened the door to Quinn, who stood on the porch in jeans and a cotton shirt with the sleeves rolled halfway up her forearms, her leather backpack dangling from her right hand. There were uneasy questions in her eyes and shadows beneath them. Those traces of unhappiness were Honor’s undoing. “I thought about you all night.”
“Same here.” Quinn's voice was raspy with stress. She'd slept badly and had awakened agitated and disturbingly aroused. Sometime in the night, she'd stripped off her clothes to lie naked beneath the sheets, surrendering to half-formed visions of pale skin and warm hands and urgent coupling. Barely asleep, she'd twitched and thrashed and shivered, riding the crest of desperate yearnings, her body throbbing on the brink of explosion. When she'd finally opened her eyes to a gray dawn, arousal beat like a fist deep inside. She brushed trembling fingers over her chest and down her belly, knowing relief, if merely physical, was seconds away. When the muscles in her thighs tightened and her breath caught in her chest, she bolted upright and headed for the shower on slightly unsteady legs. She wanted to come, would have come easily, but it was Honor's hands on her flesh that she craved. And for that, she'd wait if she could. “That was quite a kiss.”
“I’m not sure what I’m doing.” Honor leaned against the door frame, holding the screen open with her left hand.
Quinn stood on the other side of the threshold, inches away, but made no move to touch her. She wouldn't, not until invited, no matter how desperately she needed to. “It’s complicated.”
“Yes.” Honor gave a tiny laugh. “Oh yes, that would be true.”
“Any suggestions?”
“I think I’d like to ask you out for a date.”
Quinn took a long breath and when she let it out, the light had returned to her eyes. Cautiously, she suggested, “Maybe we could take Arly to the zoo? I read that it’s supposed to be a really good one...they have that hot air balloon that you can ride in and see the whole city.”
“She would love that, and so would I.” Honor reached out and took Quinn’s left hand, drawing her slowly into the kitchen. She couldn’t look away from Quinn’s mouth, remembering how soft her lips, how hot her taste. She swallowed the desire beating in her throat, stealing her voice. “But I’d like our first real date to be just us.”
“Honor?” Quinn murmured as the door closed behind her and she dropped her backpack on the floor. Honor’s hand was still in hers, and they were mere inches apart.
“Yes?” Honor breathed, captivated by the sudden darkening of Quinn’s eyes.
“Would it be all right to kiss again before the first date?”
Honor moved until their bodies merged, her hand coming into Quinn’s hair, pulling her head down. Against Quinn’s mouth, she whispered, “I don’t see why not.”
Quinn had been so hungry for her through all the long hours of the night that the feel of Honor now, warm and supple and yielding in her embrace, turned every cell in her body to pure desire. Groaning faintly, she pulled Honor more tightly to her, her hands spread on either side of Honor’s spine, just above her hips. Her tongue found its way into Honor’s mouth, thirsting for her. Her hips pressed tightly into the curve of Honor’s pelvis, calling for passion to meet passion. Distantly, she heard a soft whimper. The fingers in her hair clenched, and the woman in her arms trembled.
Quinn lifted her mouth away enough to whisper raggedly, “Tell me to stop. Tell me, because I can’t stop myself.”
“You...ask...a lot,” Honor panted unevenly. She pressed both palms flat against Quinn’s chest, the fingers of her right hand brushing over the hard shape of the device beneath Quinn’s skin. Gently, she pushed Quinn away until a breath of space appeared between them. “Last night you asked for more, and now today...for less.”
“See what you do to me?” Quinn rested her forehead against Honor’s, her chest heaving and her stomach so tight with urgency she ached. “I’m a mess.”
“I think you’re wonderful.” Honor moved her fingers to Quinn’s cheek. “Tell me why you wanted to stop?”
Quinn laughed shakily, her hands lightly clasping Honor’s waist. “Besides the fact that Linda will be here any minute and we have to go to work?”
“Besides those small details,” Honor said softly, steadfastly ignoring the swell of arousal that pulsed tormentingly between her thighs with every heartbeat. She wanted Quinn so much that she could barely think, but just beyond the edge of that consuming desire was the compulsion to know her. To understand this woman who had swept away barriers that Honor had believed unassailable, who had exposed needs that she had believed buried along with Terry. Who are you, Quinn, that you can do this to me?
“I meant what I said last night,” Quinn whispered, her voice deep and husky with lingering excitement. “The things that matter shouldn’t be hurried.”
“Are you always so contro
lled?”
“Is that what you think?” Quinn shook her head, shuddering as yet another wave of need lifted from her depths and raced along her spine. “I am so close to coming apart right now, I can’t even tell you.”
Honor’s legs weakened as the words struck at her core. She moaned softly. “God, I have to get away from you or we’re going to end up rolling around naked right here on the floor.”
“Good idea,” Quinn agreed shakily.
“Which one?” Honor gasped.
“Both of them.”
With effort, they backed away until just their fingertips touched, their eyes locked.
“About that date,” Quinn said.
Honors brow lifted. “Yes?”
“When did you have in mind?”
“Friday night?” Honor felt suddenly shy, despite the fact that a minute before she had been ready to tear off her clothes and beg Quinn to ravish her. “There’s a demonstration of Japanese drummers at the Annenberg. I think I can still get tickets.”
“Mmm. That would be great, only...”
Honor’s heart plunged. “No good?”
“It’ll have to be an early night, because our first soccer game is Saturday morning. I have to be at my best for that.”
“Really.” Honor narrowed her eyes. “I certainly wouldn’t want to interfere with your priorities.”
“Absolutely not.” Grinning, Quinn leaned forward, gently kissed Honor’s mouth, and murmured, “I don’t know how I’m going to make it until Friday night.”
Honor drew a long relieved breath. “You’re going to be so busy working your ass off in the ER, you won’t even notice the time passing.” Exerting every ounce of willpower she possessed, she let go of Quinn’s hands, moved around her, and headed for the coffee. Linda will be here any second. I’ve got to get myself together.
“I’m looking forward to it.”
Coffeepot in hand, Honor looked over her shoulder. “Which part? The part where I work your ass off, or the part where I take you out on the town?”